Am I Attached to TV Characters?

    It’s time to kick back, relax, grab a drink, and some popcorn; it’s time to discuss television. The majority of people have a favorite movie or TV show that instantly captures their attention. We become invested in the fictional characters lives, we celebrate their accomplishments, feel their pain, and laugh when they laugh. We are rooting for them from our couch. It has been shown that in times of stress or when we need a break, we often turn on the TV to escape from reality¹. Our brain, according to one research study, has not evolved enough to determine the difference between fiction and reality while watching media. In addition, research has shown that attachment style can impact our engagement with TV shows and movies¹. 

    Insecure attachment is characterized by challenges in getting our needs met in relationships¹. Although, media is often used by people to avoid and forget about life situations, this trend may be magnified when we have an insecure attachment. When we are struggling with real-life relationships or a sense of attachment security, we may choose TV shows to fulfill our relationship needs and desires or confirm our desired view of ourselves. We may be able to live vicariously through our favorite characters¹. To gain a better understanding, I talked with a friend about her media usage. 

    “I often joke around about how I shouldn’t be able to watch TV because I get way to involved in plot and the characters. I can’t separate myself from them. Romantic movies especially give me such joy and happiness seeing the plot play out and the characters finding true love at the end. I watch these movies and just think why can’t that be me. I get consumed by series and often rewatch my favorite ones multiple times” 

     This heightened intimacy we can feel towards a character in the media may be because they are safe and predictable, unlike people in real-life². I have personally found that as I become more invested in a TV show, I can begin to predict their actions and feelings. It makes me wonder if perhaps these characters then may become a representative attachment figures fulfilling desires for relationships predictability in my real life². 

     Individuals who identify with an insecure attachment are more likely experience conflict in relationships and negative emotions concerning self-esteem, and acceptance leading to loneliness and a lack of belonging². As humans, when we have a high sense of loneliness and need for belonging, we may assign human characteristics to inanimate objects or media figures to fulfill these needs. Individuals high on loneliness and a need for belonging were more likely to experience a deeper intimacy and emotional connection with their favorite TV character². 

     Overall, it is normal for an individual to become engaged in their favorite TV show as a way to escape their daily stress. It is important for us to practice mindfulness when concerning our own habits as we are in a society that is surrounded by media. We should strive to find a good balance between being present in our everyday relationships and rooting for our favorite TV characters. 

¹Silver, N., & Slater, M. D. (2019). A safe space for self-expansion: Attachment and motivation to engage and interact with the story world. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36, 3492-3514. doi: 10.1177/0265407519826345.

²Greenwood, D. N., & Long, C. R. (2011). Attachment, belongingness needs, and relationship status predict imagined intimacy with media figures. Communication Research, 38(2), 278-297. doi: 10.1177/0093650210362687.

Exploring Adult Attachment

    In this blog we are traveling back to the basics, finding our attachment style. In order to understand the impact that our attachment style has on our relationships in emerging adulthood, we must have a clear and accurate understanding of where we started in childhood. The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) is a well-researched interview that focuses on memories regarding caregivers¹. Individuals who complete this interview are asked to recall memories from their past and evaluate them as an adult. The overall process results in a summary of their relationship with caregivers, memories they can recall, and a personal reflection. The interview is then scored based on the parent relationship and depth of individual answers. If we are interested in exploring our relationships with caregivers, this is a great starting point, but it is important to remember that scoring of this interview requires training¹. For this blog I asked a very courageous friend to complete the Adult Attachment Interview, and then answer the following reflection questions as a follow up interview.

1. What was your biggest take away from this reflection?  
1. I didn’t know this until I started answering your questions, but I disassociate with my early childhood. I view all the negative memories as a dream or memories that aren’t really a part of my life. The good memories are stored in a different part of my brain I think because I like to mull over them and they’re like pictures in my brain. I don’t want to make it sound traumatic since so many people have been through way, way worse. I usually only remember the times when I felt really good and nurtured, and there were a lot of those memories too. 
2. Upon the completion of the AAI what impact, if any, do you believe your parents have on your current relationships, romantic and friendships?
1.  Now I think that they have had a positive impact. I now have learned how to deal with conflict. I don’t typically shy away from it. With romantic relationships I am very slow to open up and share intimacy. With friendships I am faster to open up. 
3.  You mentioned in your AAI that your relationship with your mom was very turbulent. How do you think that has shaped your Internal Working Model (IWM) on relationships? 
1.  My mom displayed a lot of outbursts of love or anger. Because of this, I am really independent when it comes to certain things. On the flip side I take so much responsibility. I usually hold myself accountable for other people’s behavior and how they react to me. Even when I say something nicely or put up boundaries, if I feel like people are going to get angry with me, I let that manipulate my behavior. I alter the way I act or respond to things accordingly.
4. What characteristics and patterns do you typically notice concerning communication, intimacy, feeling of rejection, etc. in romantic and person relationships? 
1.  I think romantically it’s pretty easy for me to answer. I am very closed off and this draws back to my world view growing up. I wanted to wait for the best person for me. On the other hand, even when I don’t want to commit, I still want attention. I am more comfortable with a close friendship with a guy where he meets those needs without going too far. In friendships this is hard, I do fear rejection, but I am only open to certain rejection. I feel like I can handle people’s rejection of certain parts of me. There are some parts of me that are to personal to allow rejection. I hide my true feelings when it comes down to it. I hide the real me. When I feel that people have wounded the real me, I cut them off with no remorse.
5. What are some areas of growth that you have noticed in your life since childhood in the areas of emotional regulation? 
1.  During my childhood, I withdrew and I kept a lot of secrets. I had a lot of emotional outbursts, but I could also hold a mean grudge. Physically I would overreact and hit or yell at my siblings. But seeing how hurt they were by that always made me feel so awful that I would never do the same thing again. I only remember being violent a few times as a kid. From ages 3-7 I sometimes wouldn’t talk so long that nothing would come out even when I tried to. I was pretty emotional. An area of growth includes wanting to fix my problems instead of withdrawing until I get angry enough that I blow up. I have grown in finding balance and sharing my feelings before I get angry or refusing to tell people how I feel. 

    I don’t know about you, but hearing this is powerful. My friend’s reflections make me want to be more self-aware about how my childhood attachment patterns are affecting me now. Although it is important to remember that the AAI interview requires intensive training to be qualified in assessing the results, it is still a good starting point in exploring adult attachment. My friend found the AAI very beneficial and said it helped her explore the relationship that she had with her parents. 

  ¹Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & Van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1993). A psychometric study of the Adult Attachment Interview: Reliability and discriminant validity. Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 870–879. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.29.5.870

Attachment and Playing Hard to Get

    As seen throughout these blog posts, our childhood attachment heavily influences our dating interactions in emerging adulthood. A goal that some emerging adults may have is exploring romantic interests through casual or serious dating. Throughout college I have been exploring my romantic interests and sometimes it just seems that despite the amount of effort that I put into these relationships, something that my partner or I do just destines the relationship to end. There is usually a miscommunication about what we want in the relationship or our dating strategies don’t align. This sparked my interest in determining if attachment impacts how we seek out mates, our dating strategy, and the longevity of our relationships. 

    The dating strategy that I was interested in seeing if attachment had an impact on was playing hard to get. Researchers defined playing hard to get as “restricting displays of interest in potential partners, making oneself appear desirable and eliciting others’ pursuits”¹. Individuals may use hard to get as a dating strategy in order to determine if their romantic needs will be met without risking the commitment of a romantic relationship. Basically, playing hard to get allows someone to test the commitment of their partner, feel desired, and determine if there is romantic interest. When an individual is using hard to get as a dating strategy it is typically to pursue a short-term relationship¹. For this blog post I interviewed Aidan who self-reported frequently using hard to get when dating, as well as pursing people who use this dating strategy. 

    “In the past I can admit that I frequently played hard to get and have flirted with multiple women at a time to gauge their interest and if I felt desired. I used this strategy because I had a hard time choosing and ignoring all of the amazing women in my life that I was potentially interested in dating. I think that it makes dating interesting and more fun. Once I determine that one person is better than the rest, I do end the relationships with the others and pursue just one person. Despite the intensive effort I put into my relationship though they are typically short term and I usually end them even though I desire a long-term relationship.” 

    Our attachment styles can determine the goals that we have in our relationships and how we respond to our partner’s goals¹. Of course, we all want to find a balance between seeking intimacy in our relationships and avoiding rejection. We do not like being rejected by individuals we have developed feelings for. I have seen this occur in multiple of my own, and my friends past relationships. Those of us who are insecure avoidant in our attachment avoid rejection by pursuing short-term relationships that do not include emotional intimacy¹. When we are insecure anxious in our attachment, we are more likely to prefer long-term relationships that are high in emotional intimacy even though we experience frequent fears of rejection and abandonment¹. 

    Thus, it is more common for someone who is more insecure avoidant to use the hard-to-get strategy¹. This dating strategy allows them to feel more in control of the emotional closeness in the relationship and the progression of the relationship. Interestingly, people that identify with an insecure anxious attachment style are more likely to pursue individuals that use this dating strategy. In a paradoxical way, this may occur because it reinforces their attachment style. It reinforces that partners may not always be available to meet their needs¹. (Crazy, right?) Aidan reported this in his own dating relationship, that he is often attracted partners that are the opposite of him. 

    “I have noticed in my dating relationships that I often attract opposites. I am a very confident and independent person. I do not rely heavily on others. I feel that I always attract people who have the opposite personality as me. They are typically very quiet and not confident in themselves.” 

    Aidan reported at the end of his interview that though he used this dating strategy previously he has experienced a lot of growth and no longer uses hard to get to attract potential partners. He now focuses on emotional intimacy and open communication in relationships while letting the relationship progress naturally instead of controlling all aspects of the relationship. Aidan serves to show that though we are influenced by our attachment style in childhood, we can take steps to improve our dating relationships in emerging adulthood. Reflecting on what I have learned from Aidan and my previous relationships I have realized that emotional intimacy is something that I value, and I need to focus on finding potential partners that value emotional intimacy at an equal level. 

¹Bowen, J. D., & Gillath, O. (2020). Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style. Science Direct, 162. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.109997

Conflict in Relationships

 

        The dreaded inevitable has come, the first fight between your significant other and you. The loving look that was just on your partner’s face is now momentarily replaced with anger. It can be a small tiff about where to eat for dinner or an issue that’s much deeper in intensity. 

          Regardless of the disagreement, attachment style can predict how we respond and handle conflict. When someone with an insecure attachment style experiences stress, their body has an elevated response compared to someone with a secure attachment style ¹. When exposed to stress everyone releases cortisol, a stress hormone, but individuals that are insecurely attached typically release an elevated amount. Cortisol causes our bodies to go into fight or flight mode, signaling the body to increase heart rate and blood pressure ¹. 

         So why is this? Researchers think that this is due our internal working models ². An internal working model is how we view others and ourselves. Similar to attachment, this model is heavily impacted by our caregiver’s response to our distress during childhood ². Their reaction can be internalized through our working model and influence the emotional distress we feel during conflict. For example, if our caregiver was warm and reassuring most of the time, we are more likely to have internalized that people are trustworthy and that we are capable of handling stress. The reverse is seen as well, if our caregiver was not warm or responsive it may lead to an internalized message that people are not trustworthy and conflict should be avoided ². I found this very interesting and asked my friend Sophie if she believed that her parents influenced how she currently handles conflict.

        “I think that the way I handled conflict with my mom probably has an impact. When I argued with my mom it always started with a small thing and then the argument turned into a cyclone where all of the things that my mom was slightly annoyed with at the moment were mentioned. I don’t bring things up that I know will cause conflict because I was under the impression that small arguments would always turn into a bigger argument. I only initiate conflict if it is a big issue and I know how the person responds to conflict.” 

        Research has shown that each attachment style typically has a different response to conflict ². Securely attached individuals are shown to have better conflict resolution and coping mechanisms. They are more likely to share their issues in a constructive manner and believe that even during conflict their partner will still support them. Individuals with an anxious attachment, according to research, avoid conflict for fear that their partner will reject or leave them if a disagreement occurs. Lastly, individuals with an avoidant attachment are more likely to remove themselves from conflict and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves ². Sophie reports having an avoidant attachment style and agrees that she withdrawals during conflict and avoids it if possible. 

        “The way I deal with conflict is to try to avoid it. When I was little and had conflict with my brother or mom, I would literally run away from it and hide under my bed. When I do have to deal with conflict, I try to just stay on one topic and follow the other persons lead. During conflict I do not typically share things [feelings or thoughts] with others without being prompted. I like to keep my emotions very internal. If it’s not something that is really going to bother me, I don’t see a reason to discuss it and therefore I don’t talk about it. My boyfriend and I have topics that are off-limits, such as politics, to avoid disagreements. When we do have disagreements, we usually flip a coin to determine what we should do.” 

        Becoming aware of how we typically respond to is the first step to improving relationships, both romantic and personal. The next step is to take a risk and share that awareness with the people we are close to and in conflict with. 

1 Powers, S. I., Pietromonaco, P. R., Gunlicks, M., & Sayer. A. (2006). Dating couples’ attachment styles and patterns of cortisol reactivity and recovery in response to relationship conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (90), 613-628. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.90.4.613 

2 Creasey, G., & Hesson-McInnis, M. (2001). Affective responses, cognitive appraisals, and conflict tactics in late adolescents’ romantic relationships: Associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48(1), 85-96. doi: 10.1037//0022-O167.48.1.85

Redemptive Attachment

    At some point in most of our lives, we explore our personal beliefs independently from what our caregivers taught us. We form opinions on religion, education, politics, and even our favorite food group. Among these beliefs formed, some of us can find a source of attachment that can supplement the one formed between our caregivers religion ¹. While the idea that attachment can be formed with a supreme deity may seem weird initially, a closer look reveals that many attachment behaviors are met proximity maintenance, safe haven, and secure base. Proximity maintenance occurs when we want to stay close to our attachment figure ². Proximity maintenance with individuals that have an attachment with God occurs through prayer ¹. Safe haven is when we reach out to our attachment figure during moments of stress and uncertainty ². During moments of intense stress individuals with this attachment often turn to God for comfort ¹. The last attachment behavior is a secure base. Individuals can use attachment figures as a base when exploring their environment, this can allow individuals to gain confidence in exploring their environment. Researchers have found that individuals can gain confidence knowing God is with them, a secure base ¹. Some people that are involved in a faith tradition may utilize God as an attachment figure. 

     To get a perspective on this topic I interviewed my roommate Jen about her attachment with her mother and her relationship with God through her religion. Jen has determined that she has an insecure-anxious attachment with her mother and so God fills the gap: 

    “God has served as a secure attachment figure in my life. That is where I go when I struggle    with anything, over friends and family. I can run straight to God. I know that for my personal relationship with God, he is the center of my life. I start every day with asking him to be present in my life while I make decisions. I have always grown up in the church and it was in third grade that I became personal with God. While most young children had imaginary friends, I had God serving to provide me comfort and stability when I was stressed or worried since neither of my parents were very involved in my daily life.”

    For Jen, her relationship with God has provided a way to gain a secure attachment that she could not from her mother. Researchers have found that individuals with a secure attachment to God was reported to decreased depressive symptoms and increased life satisfaction ¹. I find it fascinating that even though no “human” interaction has occurred, individuals who have a relationship with God can be transformed in their attachment experience. Relatedly, religious individuals are shown to have an increase in self-compassion ¹. They become more confident and more likely to show compassion to themselves instead of focusing on their insecurities or failures ¹. Jen described this increase in self compassion through a story of a kid breaking a bowl. Jen can receive the forgiveness and support from God that she cannot receive from her mom. 

    “An example that I use is when a kid breaks a bowl. They go to their parents to ask for help and to receive support. I have never had that with my mom. But with God it is written in scripture that he does love automatically. It’s indescribable. I know there is a love that I’ve never felt and a caring attitude. I can mess up so much in my life but all I have to do it talk to God and I feel safety.” 

     Jen shows that her belief system has had a major impact on her sense of attachment security. From looking into the research and talking to Jen, my take- away is that people can use divine figures at attachment figures- not just other humans. Given that we do not get to choose out earliest caregivers and family members, this gives us other options for attachment security. 

¹ Homan, K. J. (2014). A mediation model linking attachment to God, self-compassion, and mental health. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 17(10), 977-989. doi: 10.1080/13674676.2014.984163 

² Rotner, J. (2019). HDFS 334: Theory of Parent-Child Relationships [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 334: https://ramct.colostate.edu/

Is Divorce Inevitable?

We have all heard the statistic—“nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce,” (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). While recent research shows that this is slowly going down, it is still appalling to those of us who have always felt called to marriage.  Divorce is a devastating thing, and it hurts everyone involved. If you or someone you know has experienced the effects of parental divorce, my heart goes out to you.  Truly this must be one of the most difficult things that a person—especially a child—can go through in their lifetime.

The impact of such an event in a person’s life is nearly always monumental.  It affects so many different areas, but the one that often gets the most attention is how it affects a person’s romantic relationships and their attachment style later in life. There are several existing hypotheses that suggest a child of parental divorce is far less likely to form secure attachments to their romantic partners. However, I have found this claim to be based more on anecdotal evidence than on actual scientific discovery. 

In a study by Fraley and Heffernan (2013), results suggested that parental divorce may have “selective effects” on attachment-building, but that it is more likely for this to manifest in insecure representations of one of their parents rather than in their romantic relationships; their mistrust could for one of their parents rather than their romantic partner. I discussed this topic with my future mother-in-law whose parents divorced while she was in junior high.   

“While I was a child, I had a very skewed view of marriage. I basically developed a bad taste in my mouth for men in general.... It was very challenging emotionally. I lived with my mom for most of it, then went through a rebellious phase where I didn’t want to live with her so moved in with my dad, but that only lasted a few months… he was hardly ever around.”

        

         One of the factors that Fraley and Heffernan (2013) suggest to be the most influential is whether children end up living with their father or mother after the divorce.  If the child stays with the mother, insecure representations of men and fathers often form; on the other hand, if the child stays with the father, the same typically happens for women and mothers (Fraley & Heffernan, 2013).  My (soon-to-be) mother-in-law’s experience is no exception to this.

         “There were a few years where I said, ‘Naw—I’m never getting married!’…Before I met [my husband] I have to admit I went through a phase where I was always trying to find approval in men, and my relationships with them were not the healthiest.”

         By this time in her life, she might have fit the stereotype of a child of divorce inhibited from building secure romantic relationships. However, this is not how everything turned out. The results from Fraley and Heffernan’s (2013) study suggest that the “association between parental divorce and insecurity in romantic relationships is relatively small,” and that this is likely due to individual’s implementation of mechanisms to avoid their parents’ mistakes.

         “With [my husband], we never wanted to make our kids go through what we went through if possible, so my mentality shifted to trying to make our marriage the best it could be and taking that commitment to a whole other level… I treat it as a gift—as something that I want to bring glory to God, that others might see and desire to have.”

         She and her husband—both children of divorce—have been happily married for nearly thirty years now.

Clearly, experiencing divorce as a child does not determine the fate of a person’s marriage, but then what is the key to ensuring your marriage doesn’t end up as your parents’ did? My belief is that it’s learning: learning from couples who show you a strong and healthy relationship and learning how to save the good parts of your parents’ relationship while learning how to avoid the areas that were weaker.  Or perhaps you grew up with amazing family relationships and your parents were always together? Then maybe it’s about learning from their strengths and how they embraced the joys and challenges of marriage; always remembering to never take for granted the example that they gave you. The success of our relationships is not bound by the fate of our parents’, but rather the effort that we put into them.  Marriage takes hard work; it requires for you to wake up each day ready to sacrifice for your spouse and choose to love them—in sickness and in health.

References:

Fraley, R. C., & Heffernan, M. E. (2013). Attachment and Parental Divorce: A Test of the     Diffusion and Sensitive Period Hypotheses. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,    39(9), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213491503

Raley, R. K. & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, repartnering, and stepfamilies: A decade in          review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81-99. https:doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jomf.12651

Jealous Much?

When I find myself stumbling into a new relationship, or even in the not-so-long-long-term relationships I’ve had, I realize that it is so easy for me to become jealous. I also find that it is usually pretty easy to make my partners jealous when I feel like I am not getting the attention I deserve (this is probably very unhealthy, so please don’t follow my lead). I tell myself over and over to not be jealous, but it always seems to be something that as hard as I try, I can’t seem to block that emotion out. I’ve always thought a reasonable amount of jealousy is healthy, because then the person I am with knows I care about them—and vise versa. But, why do some people get more jealous than others? What is the reason behind it?

I thought it would be interesting to see if certain attachment styles were associated with different levels of jealousy. As discussed in previous posts, there are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that everyone typically experiences. However, securely attached people tend to report that it does not get in the way of their everyday lives with their partner or affect them as much as insecurely attached people (Güçlü et.al, 2017). I personally find comfort in knowing that feeling jealous with a partner is normal and even people who are secure in their relationships experience jealousy.

Research shows that different attachment styles show jealousy in relationships in different ways. Although insecure-avoidant people tend to come across as uncaring, or indifferent about relationships, they also experience jealousy. Research shows that typically when an insecure-avoidant person becomes jealous, they will often use coping strategies like denial to avoid jealous feelings in a relationship (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can come across as dismissive and even heartless to a partner. Insecure-anxious people on the other hand deal with jealousy in a more aggressive way. Insecure-anxious people tend to express jealousy with things like anger, intrusiveness, and control over partner’s behaviors (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can push a partner away and damage trust between a couple.

I asked one of my friends who identifies as having an insecure-anxious type of attachment if there were any times that she let her jealousy get the best of her and this is how she responded:

            “When I was in early college, I was really jealous of a girl who was friends with my then-boyfriend. I would always ask him about her and get angry and tell him I didn’t believe him when he told me she was just a friend. I would always get into my own head and I would stalk them both on social media searching for something that really, I was just making up in my head. My jealousy (along with many other factors and toxic things in our relationship) ultimately led to our relationship ending.”

Although this may sound extreme to some people and it may be hard for us to understand how someone could become so jealous, knowing that certain attachment styles may lead us to act in certain ways when we are jealous can offer some comfort.

So, what should we do when we feel that pang of jealousy? Start by normalizing your own jealousy, as well as your partner’s—recognize that this is just a part of life! Next, take a deep breath and resist the urge to attack, withdraw, or punish. Try to be open with your partner about how you’re feeling, even if it makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you’re in a long-term relationship and have some doubts, ask your partner for reassurance in a calm manner, without demanding it.

Next time you find yourself responding to feelings of jealousy in ways that you feel like you normally wouldn’t, take a step back and use the time to reflect on how your attachment may influence your choices. We aren’t crazy, we’re only human.

Güçlü, O., Şenormancı, Ö., Şenormancı, G., & Köktürk, F. (2017). Gender differences in romantic jealousy and attachment styles. Psychiatry and Clinical Psychopharmacology, 27(4), 359–365. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/24750573.2017.1367554