- What was your biggest take away from this reflection?
- I didn’t know this until I started answering your questions, but I disassociate with my early childhood. I view all the negative memories as a dream or memories that aren’t really a part of my life. The good memories are stored in a different part of my brain I think because I like to mull over them and they’re like pictures in my brain. I don’t want to make it sound traumatic since so many people have been through way, way worse. I usually only remember the times when I felt really good and nurtured, and there were a lot of those memories too.
- Upon the completion of the AAI what impact, if any, do you believe your parents have on your current relationships, romantic and friendships?
- Now I think that they have had a positive impact. I now have learned how to deal with conflict. I don’t typically shy away from it. With romantic relationships I am very slow to open up and share intimacy. With friendships I am faster to open up.
- You mentioned in your AAI that your relationship with your mom was very turbulent. How do you think that has shaped your Internal Working Model (IWM) on relationships?
- My mom displayed a lot of outbursts of love or anger. Because of this, I am really independent when it comes to certain things. On the flip side I take so much responsibility. I usually hold myself accountable for other people’s behavior and how they react to me. Even when I say something nicely or put up boundaries, if I feel like people are going to get angry with me, I let that manipulate my behavior. I alter the way I act or respond to things accordingly.
- What characteristics and patterns do you typically notice concerning communication, intimacy, feeling of rejection, etc. in romantic and person relationships?
- I think romantically it’s pretty easy for me to answer. I am very closed off and this draws back to my world view growing up. I wanted to wait for the best person for me. On the other hand, even when I don’t want to commit, I still want attention. I am more comfortable with a close friendship with a guy where he meets those needs without going too far. In friendships this is hard, I do fear rejection, but I am only open to certain rejection. I feel like I can handle people’s rejection of certain parts of me. There are some parts of me that are to personal to allow rejection. I hide my true feelings when it comes down to it. I hide the real me. When I feel that people have wounded the real me, I cut them off with no remorse.
- What are some areas of growth that you have noticed in your life since childhood in the areas of emotional regulation?
- During my childhood, I withdrew and I kept a lot of secrets. I had a lot of emotional outbursts, but I could also hold a mean grudge. Physically I would overreact and hit or yell at my siblings. But seeing how hurt they were by that always made me feel so awful that I would never do the same thing again. I only remember being violent a few times as a kid. From ages 3-7 I sometimes wouldn’t talk so long that nothing would come out even when I tried to. I was pretty emotional. An area of growth includes wanting to fix my problems instead of withdrawing until I get angry enough that I blow up. I have grown in finding balance and sharing my feelings before I get angry or refusing to tell people how I feel.
1Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & Van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1993). A psychometric study of the Adult Attachment Interview: Reliability and discriminant validity. Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 870–879. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.29.5.870
Attachment is broadcasted throughout our world and society. Life decisions are also often changed because of attachment situations.
ReplyDeleteReading your friends replies remind me of the feeling you get post reflection time. Sometimes a questionnaire or interview can make one reflect about your childhood and realize things you never had before. This has made me more self aware and appreciative of my parents tactics when raising me because I can tell how their decisions impacted my future.
ReplyDeleteWhat a courageous friend you have, indeed! Her thoughtful reflections made me want to take the AAI to better understand myself as well. One of the places of exploration that I was already familiar with, is the final question about emotional regulation. Through counseling and personal work I have discovered much about this. Until my sophomore year of college, I considered myself quite unemotional. The truth is that I only ever experience intensity of emotion, it is just that I internalize most of this. This is because as a child I perceived my mother as weak and unable to handle my emotions. I was always a very compliant child, and compliant as a grew up in most of my friendships, too. I have always considered my attachment style to be that of a secure attachment, but these experiences sound more like an insecure attachment. My mother was not always a secure place for me as a child to explore or express emotionally, and I therefore held much in. I’m not sure how I would classify my attachment to her… however, I think that my perception of her weakness was simply that… I think she did offer support, nurture, and was responsive to me. I guess I am not sure why I perceived this in her and internalized so much. It is something I am now working on.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I have never heard of the Adult Attachment Interview, but after reading your friend's reflection, it seems like a really useful tool to get in touch with your younger self and better understand your own attachment styles. When your friend said that she dissociates from her early childhood, I could relate to that, because I do not remember much from childhood. I usually try to not think about it. I believe doing this interview could really help me to get insight on why I behave in certain ways in different relationships. I would love to see the growth I’ve made and where I need to continue growing. Thank you for this insightful article.
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI think your post was very interesting. I definitely think it’s important to understand the types of attachment and how it can overall affect you and your relationships with others. Going through that personal reflection must be a hard thing to swallow for some because of how their past was hard on them and it shows now. Personally going through the adult attachment interview protocol was fascinating. It not only gave the questions that were asked but it also gave the reason for why that question was being asked in the first place. I think this can relate back to myself because I am very curious about what attachment style I have and how it is affecting me. Overall I really enjoyed reading your blog.
Hi Ashlee! I agree that your friend has a lot of courage to share her story and experience. I could relate to what she said about disassociating with her childhood. I think that our adult attachment styles definitely come from childhood experiences and our relationships with our parents. I think that it is easy to disassociate, but it is also important to reflect back on childhood to understand our attachment styles as adults. I thought the questions that you asked in the follow up were very informative and allowed for your friend to reflect on her responses in a meaningful way! Great post overall.
ReplyDelete