The dating strategy that I was interested in seeing if attachment had an impact on was playing hard to get. Researchers defined playing hard to get as “restricting displays of interest in potential partners, making oneself appear desirable and eliciting others’ pursuits”1. Individuals may use hard to get as a dating strategy in order to determine if their romantic needs will be met without risking the commitment of a romantic relationship. Basically, playing hard to get allows someone to test the commitment of their partner, feel desired, and determine if there is romantic interest. When an individual is using hard to get as a dating strategy it is typically to pursue a short-term relationship1. For this blog post I interviewed Aidan who self-reported frequently using hard to get when dating, as well as pursing people who use this dating strategy.
“In the past I can admit that I frequently played hard to get and have flirted with multiple women at a time to gauge their interest and if I felt desired. I used this strategy because I had a hard time choosing and ignoring all of the amazing women in my life that I was potentially interested in dating. I think that it makes dating interesting and more fun. Once I determine that one person is better than the rest, I do end the relationships with the others and pursue just one person. Despite the intensive effort I put into my relationship though they are typically short term and I usually end them even though I desire a long-term relationship.”
Our attachment styles can determine the goals that we have in our relationships and how we respond to our partner’s goals1. Of course, we all want to find a balance between seeking intimacy in our relationships and avoiding rejection. We do not like being rejected by individuals we have developed feelings for. I have seen this occur in multiple of my own, and my friends past relationships. Those of us who are insecure avoidant in our attachment avoid rejection by pursuing short-term relationships that do not include emotional intimacy1. When we are insecure anxious in our attachment, we are more likely to prefer long-term relationships that are high in emotional intimacy even though we experience frequent fears of rejection and abandonment1.
Thus, it is more common for someone who is more insecure avoidant to use the hard-to-get strategy1. This dating strategy allows them to feel more in control of the emotional closeness in the relationship and the progression of the relationship. Interestingly, people that identify with an insecure anxious attachment style are more likely to pursue individuals that use this dating strategy. In a paradoxical way, this may occur because it reinforces their attachment style. It reinforces that partners may not always be available to meet their needs1. (Crazy, right?) Aidan reported this in his own dating relationship, that he is often attracted partners that are the opposite of him.
“I have noticed in my dating relationships that I often attract opposites. I am a very confident and independent person. I do not rely heavily on others. I feel that I always attract people who have the opposite personality as me. They are typically very quiet and not confident in themselves.”
Aidan reported at the end of his interview that though he used this dating strategy previously he has experienced a lot of growth and no longer uses hard to get to attract potential partners. He now focuses on emotional intimacy and open communication in relationships while letting the relationship progress naturally instead of controlling all aspects of the relationship. Aidan serves to show that though we are influenced by our attachment style in childhood, we can take steps to improve our dating relationships in emerging adulthood. Reflecting on what I have learned from Aidan and my previous relationships I have realized that emotional intimacy is something that I value, and I need to focus on finding potential partners that value emotional intimacy at an equal level.
1Bowen, J. D., & Gillath, O. (2020). Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style. Science Direct, 162. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.109997
It is interesting to read a story of someone who tried hard to get in order to find a long-term relationship. As we continue to develop, we end up influencing how we perceive our relationships which I think is fascinating. For example, as I was developing in my middle school/ high school years, I did too play hard to get because I did not want to get attached too easily. I wanted to explore my options in a way, which totally sounds horrible, but I wanted to see if the effort I put into a relationship would be reflected in an actual relationship. In high school, I would play hard to get with an ex-boyfriend of mine, and he would always come back to me. However, it always backfire, and the relationship would end in fights or in some other way. For me, a relationship is not just about sexual intimacy or about saying those three little words. A relationship is, to me, is about being heard, respected, and being emotionally involved to make something beautiful. As you grow, everything you learned helps shape your future, and right now, it continues to shape me as a person as well as in my current relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your blog post I found myself comparing the people I know who participate in the hard-to-get strategy and their attachment styles. I found it interesting that normally it is people with insecure avoidant attachment styles who do not want to risk rejection, therefore not putting themselves in situations where they will be emotionally vulnerable who partake in playing hard-to-get. One of my friends does this alot and I have never really understood how they were able to go about relationships in that way. I have always gone into relationships willing to put my all into it and it most definitely has caused me heartbreak but I have never been able to play hard-to-get. This, along with other situations makes me understand that I definitely have a more secure attachment when it comes to relationships.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, thanks for your work on this interesting dating topic. As I was reading about some of Aidan’s experiences it brought to my mind the topic of impulse control. Commitment isn’t always something that you just stumble across, but requires a person to say no to things that sound good too… I wonder if the playing hard to get mixed with the multiple partner “feel out” has anything to do with impulse control. It feels AWESOME to be desired. And it SUCKS to get rejected. I wonder if part of the playing hard to get and playing the field with flirting with multiple dating prospects is also just in part due to the fact that it is hard to resist someone who wants to pursue or approve or desire you in the romantic realm! Whereas emotional intimacy is quite scary, risky, and vulnerable… Although it produces mutual intimacy, it is hard, and it DOES NOT initially feel good. Again, the impulsive would run the opposite direction. Moving through conflict and towards in intimacy is a lot of work but is rewarding too.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I really enjoy how you did the research based on your own personal confusion about your relationships. I think it is crucial that in life if we do not understand why something is or is not happening, we think outside the box as to why or why not. I can understand how attachment styles play a huge role into how one may act in a relationship. I have many friends who play the "hard-to-get" role and I always ask myself why? In some cases, they express how they lack their confidence so it is a "reverse psychology" thing they do, while others do not know how to answer. Being someone who has a more secure attachment style, I cannot relate but I can definitely gain a greater understanding as to why they do the things they do.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this blog post I found myself evaluating past relationships and the dating strategies that I used as well as those of my close friends. I find this topic to be very interesting due to the dating culture that is present today. Personally, I struggle finding someone who is committed to a healthy relationship which has resulted in adopting playing hard to get. On the other hand, one of my close friends does not understand why I engage in this dating strategy. This made me think more about my own attachment style and how it has affected the way I act towards romantic partners. I want to work on emotional intimacy in future relationships and see if it results in a long-term relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post, and thought that it was super insightful. I have always heard the term, “playing hard to get”, but after reading your post, I feel that I have a clearer understanding of what this actually entails. I can see how individuals with insecure attachment often use “playing hard to get”, in order to feel more in control of the relationship. I also can see how individuals with this attachment style often look for partners who use “playing hard to get”, as they are made aware that that specific individual may not meet all of their needs. In a way, it seems like a way for the individual with insecure attachment to protect themselves, as they know that this individual they are in a relationship with will most likely not be a long-term relationship. However, I feel that individuals with insecure attachment pursuing relationships with those that “play hard to get”, are often left feeling more avoidant of long-term relationships, even if deep down that is what they desire.
Growing up and becoming an adult it is hard to find someone who has genuine motives. Especially in college because everyone is exploring and figuring themselves out. It makes sense when you described people that play hard to get as insecure avoidant. When having an insecure avoidant attachment these people usually do not want intimacy and can be seen as dismissive. When reading this I also liked how you used Aiden as an example it showed how he has played hard to get and why. It also shows that now that he is aware of what he is doing he’s trying to change that and become emotionally intimate.
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ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee,
I enjoyed your post on how one is playing hard to get and how attachment plays out with this technique. To start off with, I have seen many individuals use the “playing hard to get” and I would definitely put myself in that category as well. I say this because, for me probably through my whole life I did not have much self-confidence, so I wasn't into talking to any boys until I got older in high school. From that time, I would always play hard to get because I didn't want to be committed or I needed time to see how my partner was. I could see this as being for those who have an insecure attachment because they might be insecure when it comes to commitment in the relationship.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for writing this post and creating such a well thought out post with very valuable information. I agree with you that more research is needed in this area and expanding on previous research on attachment.
ReplyDeleteAs a person who’s attachment style is insecure-avoidant, I find it interesting that you say that people with this style more commonly use this strategy while dating. I only find it interesting because I know it is 100% correct in my case. I have been and am still currently in Aidans shoes when he says that he flirts with multiple people at a time trying to gauge interest and desire, then pick one he thinks he will fit in with best, then he is the one who loses interest. If that is not a summary of my dating life, I do not know what is. At the end it talks about how Aidan is now using a different strategy and it is working for him, so maybe I should focus more on emotional intimacy over playing hard-to-get.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I thought that this blog post was very informative and interesting. I never thought about how childhood attachment styles could impact flirting and dating styles in our adult life. I was able to connect this post to my friend Kiara. Kiara is a very nice and attractive woman. Many men and women like her, but even when she likes someone, she plays hard to get. Kiara has told me that she has an avoidant attachment style, and is afraid of getting hurt. Although she flirts, she never wants to be the one to initiate a committed relationship because she does not trust people easily. In this case, her flirting style is very connected to her attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI like that this blog post explores the relationship between attachment style and relationship style. As a woman, I have heard so many times throughout my life that if I “play hard to get” men will be more attracted to me because they feel like they want what they can’t have. I too, like Aidan, saw that when I played hard to get, my relationships were very short lived and unsuccessful, whereas when I was vulnerable and committed to one person, I have had much longer and healthier relationships. I think I also have such a large fear of rejection that sometimes I do things I would not normally do in order to keep a relationship going, rather than end something that is no longer working or satisfactory. I have learned over the years that with my anxious attachment style, I have become more independent and less dependent on another person for my happiness and I am much more confident when I get into a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI’ve always associated playing hard to get as a form of game-playing. However, when someone is playing hard to get, I still find that “the chase” is so mysterious. I never classified myself as being insecurely-attached, but after reading this, I think I have a few tendencies of this attachment style, by pursuing the chase and the hard-to-get game that people play. I would be curious to see how often this game works out with couples who have been in their relationship long-term, because it seems like most people would lose interest after a while if the person they are pursuing keeps playing hard to get. After playing this game for a while it makes me wonder, “how do you get anywhere?”
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI agree that in college is very difficult it be very clear about what type of relationship people want. Some people are just looking to hookup, and others are looking for a relationship. I do like the idea of playing hard to get because it does test that person who want to be with you. Sometimes I think people take playing hard to get too far, so this leads to them not finding anyone because their standards are set too high. I do agree that playing hard to get is fun, and I think it is a good alternative instead of investing time into someone that doesn’t want the same things as you. It is a huge time saver. Great post!
Hi Ashlee
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog, I agreed that you said how people don’t know what they want in college, and they just want to hook up. Hookup culture is something that college students participate in, and it comes easily because they don’t have anything to worry about. I can personally relate to being one being in college and being involved in situations that end in nothing. But I think college is a lot about finding yourself and being able to have fun, so I don’t see the issue with not wanting a relationship think that it is better to not get into one when you are not ready but to get into a relationship when you are prepared to commit. I think many people not finding the right now is because they are trying too hard to find their perfect person, but I am a firm believer that your perfect one comes when you are not expecting it. Overall, I think that you brought up amazing points about how college relationships usually work.
Playing hard to get is something I always found unattractive in potential partners. I have never been a fan of feeling like the relationship I am trying to form with someone is not valued the same way I value them. That was until I met my current partner. According to this articles definition of playing hard to get, which is not something I could've accurately defined before this, playing hard to get is basically exploring romantic relationships with the idea of being committed, without actually having to commit. During the first month of my partner and I talking, the more I felt like I was ready to pursue a romantic relationship with her, the less I felt like she felt the same back. I often wondered how long it would take for me to feel like I was sitting on the sidelines while she made up her mind on what she actually wanted. We had continuous conversations about how I was ready to pursue a romantic relationship, and each time, she told me she wasn't ready for commitment. Finally, one day, somebody came up to us and started flirting with me and that night she told me she was ready to be in a relationship. After reading this article, I better understand why she was choosing to play hard to get. At the same time, I understand that I was always going to pursue someone that was hard to get because I have an anxious attachment style myself.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of playing hard to get, there is a very specific idea that this brings to my mind. There is a big part of me that understands this idea of playing hard to get because it makes the other person have to try harder and makes you feel more wanted and shows a certain level of commitment. In my experience, it has been way easier for me to put more into a relationship when I know it is being reciprocated. For example, in friendships, I have experienced that it is way easier to open up to people who open up to me. Knowing that there is mutual trust can allow for a better relationship which can be shown through this idea of playing hard to get.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post. I feel like I see a lot of people in college and in my life playing hard to get with their potential partners. This seems to be what the current “talking stage” is about. I guess I hadn’t thought about the way that your attachment style contributes to playing hard to get. However, it makes total sense that those with an insecure avoidant attachment style play hard to get. Honestly, I never understood why people play hard to get but this makes it a little clear. This was really interesting to read and definitely opened my eyes to the importance of attachment styles.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashley! I enjoyed reading through your blog about playing hard to get. I know that as a teenager in my time, playing hard to get was the only acceptable way to pursue a crush. Looking back, it seems really silly to feign uninterested in someone you like in order to make them MORE interested in you. This strategy works, sometimes but I feel much happier in romantic pursuits when you pursue them genuinely. The whole game of waiting to text someone back even though you love talking to them is definitely avoidant. I want a secure attachment style in my relationship and so try to communicate best I can even though I think I am anxious-avoidant.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very interesting to read, I think it was a great post. I’ve noticed the concept of playing hard to get has become very common, especially in the stage of emerging adulthood. Despite it being common, I don’t think it’s been analyzed much and a concept we don’t really pay attention to figure its roots. I can relate to being in past situations where I play hard to get and I guess at the time I didn’t think of it meaning I was looking for a short-term relationship, whereas now that makes sense. I also recall being attracted to people who were also playing the hard-to-get game/concept, and I think it was just enjoying gaining that attention that really gets people.
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