I spent the past fall semester in Spain with a study abroad program and one of the hardest but most fulfilling parts was learning how to express myself and tell my stories in a language that was not my own. I had one friend who found love in Spain and began navigating a romantic relationship with this same language barrier. This got me wondering about relationships with different first languages and how that affects the attachment between those two people. Is the language difference a barrier to a closer connection, or a hurdle that can be overcome? I interviewed two of my friends—M whose first language is English and was in a relationship with someone who spoke Spanish, and N whose first language is Spanish and was in a relationship with someone who spoke English. Just in case you’re wondering–they did not date each other, they have never even met!
First, let’s look at the research about this situation. In their study, Dewaele and Salomidou (2017) investigated the effect of language barriers on the emotional connection that people feel towards their partner. Their findings revealed that people feel they are not able to express themselves fully to a partner with a different first language. Especially in high emotional states, people are unable to express the full nuance of their emotions with a language that is not their first. This was reflected in the answers of my friends as well.
“While some words are synonymous, they carry different connotations and sometimes the extent to which I wanted to say something can’t be expressed either because I lacked the full vocabulary” -M
“It can feel like a task to try and explain what I’m trying to say or translate what I’m thinking to English which can hinder a connection from forming…it feels like a task” -N
Both people that were interviewed expressed having trouble turning to their partner during times of distress. This could become a lack of a safe haven, one of the key features of attachment in adults. However, the results from the study also show that this difficulty of communication did not prevent a relationship or connection from forming and did not affect authenticity between the partners (Dewaele & Salomidou, 2017). My friends also reflected positives in their relationship, becoming closer by learning from each other and overcoming challenges together.
“It always felt like there was something we could learn from one another. Every time we spoke it was like another adventure or challenge we could conquer together, bringing us closer.” -M
“I loved the fact that my partner would want to learn about my culture, how to speak Spanish, how to dance Cumbia…you could see how much my partner wanted to be with me by the effort they put into learning about my language and culture.”-N
Overall, I learned that a language difference between romantic partners can be both a barrier or a hurdle. On the one hand, the difference in language can be a barrier, which may dampen emotional expression. Yet in many ways, the attachment can be strengthened as people work together to overcome language barriers. So next time you’re interested in someone with a different first language, know that there may be challenges, but it can also provide excitement and adventure that fosters a completely unique connection.
References
Dewaele, J.-M., & Salomidou, L. (2017, January 17). Loving a partner in a foreign language. Journal of Pragmatics. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216616302946
Review this blog, reflect on one of my close friends dating someone from India. They both spoke English, which wasn’t her husband‘s first language. She talked to me a bunch of times about how she had a hard time feeling fully seen when trying to talk about certain feelings. Her husband sometimes misunderstood the different cues or didn’t realize when sarcasm, for instance, was being used, which has led to lots of miscommunication in the relationship. However, K and J grew stronger by intentionally working through these gaps and learning about each other‘s culture and language preferences. They started to create their love language for each other, which allowed them to feel and have more of an emotional attachment, which felt safe and reflected how each person felt.
ReplyDeleteI can not help but think about my mother in this case. She has been in a relationship with a man who speaks english while english is not her first language. I can see how much she struggles and how it can be really hard for her to express her feelings. Although English is not my first language, I am fluent in it and still have a hard time separating the different connotations and meaning of each word. It is also very helpful to have a partner who understands that some words in the english language may hold a special meaning to me because of my first language. By working together my mother and I are able to bridge the language barrier and make connections to a romantic partner.
ReplyDeleteWith the constant merging of cultures and languages, the relationship effect on speaking different languages was interesting to consider. It reminded me of my mom’s current situation. My mom just moved to Italy about three months ago. She has some knowledge of the language but is not fully conversational yet. She currently relies on the use of Google Translate for her conversations with Italian neighbors. She has expressed it is difficult and takes away from forming a closer relationship with them. While her neighbors are supportive of her app use, not speaking the language has caused barriers in relationship formation. They both tire of not fully understanding each other. My mom also feels more isolated and longs for the days when she can communicate without the use of an app.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved reading this blog post. A year ago, I studied abroad in Spain for five months. The first two months of my study abroad experience were likely the most difficult times of my life. Mainly due to the language barrier. I was living with a host family, and although I was not in a romantic relationship, I wanted to make meaningful connections with them. I found it to be incredibly challenging to express myself authentically in my second language – and this provoked not only an identity crisis, but also a time of immense reflection on the power of language in relationships. In this blog post the author mentions the ways that language barriers can actually bring people together as they struggle to overcome them. I think this holds an immense amount of truth and sheds light onto the principle that challenge tends to create community rather than dispersion.
ReplyDeleteI really identified with the blog, so it automatically became one of my favorites. As someone who is bilingual and whose first language is Spanish, I have faced many challenges as well. Mine have never been with love, but in school. I always have a hard time sounding clear in papers because in my native language, it makes perfect sense. I can see how this may relate to language barriers within relationships. You might think that what your Spanish-speaking partner is saying is insulting, but in reality, they might be having a hard time trying to express themselves. This is why in relationships with different languages should attempt to learn a little of the others’ language.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting post on how language barriers factor into romantic connections! It is understandable how difficult it can be to turn to your partner in a time in need but lack the words needed because of the language barrier. It is definitely tricky to try and translate what you are trying to say in another language. That is something I have struggled with before as I don’t speak the best Spanish and my ex-partner spoke better Spanish than I did so when I would try and articulate something it didn’t come out right and it definitely felt like a task to communicate with one another. Although I do see the positives as you mentioned how it can bring people together and embrace and learn a culture that is different from their own which can be very important for a romantic connection. Overall, great post!
ReplyDeleteThis was very insightful! I appreciate your attention to the delicate balance between both the emotional challenges and the emotional growth that can come from relationships across different languages. While language barriers can cause difficulty, so can differences in communication type. In my own long distance relationship, I have found that having different ways of expressing and sharing love can initially create challenges, but eventually these differences allowed me to form a stronger and more meaningful connection with my partner. Challenges such as language barriers, although very inconvenient, can be essential to building a habit of healthy communication in a relationship!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post and how you took a very thoughtful approach into looking into love across languages. It reminded me of a couple from my hometown who both spoke different languages but still found a way to make their relationship work. They both put in time and effort to learn each other's language, it was inspiring and showed that love is not just based on language yet actions. Watching this love story made me think of the attachment theory and the idea that your partner is haven, although language could be a barrier they were still each other's saftey net. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteGreat topic decision! I love that you picked people from both sides of a multilingual relationship. The context of words is incredibly different between languages, even between ASL and spoken English, things that may be rude in English are totally okay in ASL (ex. pointing). In a lot of ways, this can be incredibly enriching and broaden your perception of the world, and in others it would lead to a lot of miscommunication. I think it may also help a relationship to be more flexible and understanding, like you said, people have to work to understand the culture of their partner as well as their language. The expression of emotion may be one of the strongest differences between different languages, and not being able to properly express yourself would be so frustrating. When I sign (although im only mildly proficient) I tend to get so bogged down by the process of translating my thoughts that my emotions tend to take a backseat and it makes my signing a lot less clear, since the language is highly reliant on facial expression.
ReplyDeleteThe varying emotions of multilingual relationships is well covered in this post. The way in which theoretical study was integrated with personal experience in the subject made it more raw and accessible and that was something I found very appealing. The quotes from M and N were a reminder of how language barriers can both hinder one’s ability to communicate emotion (particularly when times are tough) and create closeness through teamwork and curiosity. The idea that language can be both a bridge and a blockade is very powerful. It’s nice to know that love and connection can develop through cultural exchange and mutual vulnerability, not within the same bounds of fluency. This article made me think about how powerful it is when someone tries to understand another person’s world. Thank you for that thoughtful and heartfelt piece!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this! I studied abroad last year, and while I wasn’t in a relationship, I remember how hard it was just to make friends and really be myself in another country. At first, my mind was so occupied with the idea of not messing up around locals that I constantly felt like a filtered version of who I was. I loved the quotes from your friends, especially when N said it felt like a task. It really is work, and that emotional labor can weigh heavily on relationships. But at the same time, your post helped me see how that challenge can also deepen a bond. When someone is willing to learn your language, your culture, and meet you halfway, it says a lot about their commitment. I appreciate how you shared both the struggles and the hope, it makes me feel less intimidated by the idea of navigating love across languages. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me because my cousin dated someone whose first language was Spanish while she mainly spoke English and just a bit of Spanish. At first, she expressed to me how they struggled having deep conversations, especially during moments of stress or obvious disagreements. But over time, they developed their own system, using translation apps, body language, and also effort in learning one anothers language. It wasn't always smooth, but the effort they put in made their bond stronger. I love how your post highlights that while language can be a barrier, it can also create a sense of adventure and intentionality. It reminds me that connection is about effort.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me think about my great-grandmother, who only spoke Spanish. Growing up, I didn’t speak the language fluently, so our conversations were limited to simple words, hand gestures, and a lot of guessing. Still, we had a deep bond. I remember how she would patiently teach me words in Spanish, and I’d try to teach her a few words in English. Like your friends, we sometimes struggled to express complex emotions, but the effort to understand each other made our relationship stronger. Even with the language barrier, I always felt her love, and I know she felt mine. Your post reminded me that emotional connection doesn’t always depend on perfect communication, but rather on shared intention, effort, and care. The study you referenced makes a great point: the hurdle of language can actually build a stronger attachment when both people are invested. Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful piece.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and found myself relating to many parts of what you shared.I moved to the U.S. as an international student and later became a citizen, so I understand how real and exhausting language barriers can be. I’ve also seen many friends who share my first language marry someone whose first language is English. While they often struggle to express emotions fully—especially with subtle feelings or conflict—I’ve noticed their relationships thrive when both partners bring patience and mutual understanding.
ReplyDeleteIf a friend told me they were hesitant to date someone because of language differences, I’d tell them what you said: focus on connection and effort, not just perfect words. The couples I’ve seen grew closer not because of language fluency, but because of the empathy and care they showed one another. Even people who speak the same language can still miscommunicate, so in the end, I believe the most important parts of any relationship are empathy, thoughtfulness, and love.
I really enjoyed reading your post about how language differences affect romantic attachments. It reminded me of a close friend who dated someone from another country and faced similar challenges. At times, she struggled to fully express her feelings in English because her partner’s first language was different. This sometimes made emotional conversations feel frustrating or incomplete. However, like your friends, they found that learning each other’s languages and cultures brought them closer and created a unique bond. Your post shows how language can both challenge and enrich relationships, which is a valuable insight for anyone dating cross culturally. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful perspective!
ReplyDeleteWhen analyzing this post, my first thought was the language barrier between me and my mom, and the way we overcome it. I am fluent in Spanish, but when it comes to being formal and trying to talk fast, I misinterpret some words, which gives my mom the wrong idea. She understands some English here and there, but she never fully had the chance to educate herself to become a communicative English speaker. A couple of examples I can think of are when a professor told me an impactful compliment, I wanted to directly translate the right words to my mom, but I would get frustrated when I couldn't do so. She would always tell me to just try and use simple words, but I would rather look up the exact words used for her better understanding. This has sometimes caused an emotional impact on my behalf due to the cultural language loss. Spanish is my first language, so not being able to even correctly communicate with my parents is unfortunate, but just like this post concluded, overcoming these barriers is a form of strength and resilience.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting concept to me. An example of this I found in my own life is between an aunt and uncle of mine. My uncle has a first language of Spanish, but also speaks fluent english, the aunt has a first language of German and also speaks fluent Spanish and english. From what I have observed, sharing a same second language has brought them close together in their relationship. They also switch the language they use to communicate to each other depending on if they are alone or in specific company. I think language is a very interesting thing to study, but never thought of it in a attachment setting. This post informed me on information I probably never would have sought out on my own. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this! This is a very interesting concept to me, and I have similar firsthand experience. This past spring, I did a semester abroad in Spain and lived with a host family. Although I wasn't engaging in a romantic relationship, there was still a little bit of difficulty in communicating and understanding each other 100%. But, it created a unique bond between my host mom and me where we got to practice each other's second language in an environment that was free of judgment, and we could politely and positively correct each other. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis resonates with me and makes me think of a friend of my grandmother's that fell in love with a person who spoke a different language than she did. It did not seem like it impacted them negatively at all besides the fact that they could not relate or fit in with each other's families. I do recognize that it would be more difficult to be able to be a point of security and comfort for your partner if there was a significant language barrier. Though it can bring people closer together, I think it can also be the reason they drift apart eventually. I like that N and M both felt that they were able to learn a lot from each other. I think when two people want to overcome a barrier (such as language) to be in a relationship, with lots of patience and determination, it can definitely be done!
ReplyDeleteThis entry struck very close to home since my cousin is in a relationship such as what you described. She is English-speaking as her native language, and her boyfriend is Portuguese-speaking as his native language. She would say to me way back when how infuriating it was when she could not find the words to express how she actually felt, especially during emotional moments. But with time, I started to notice how they made those struggles something good. They started teaching each other new vocabulary every week, preparing one another's traditional meals, and even watched films in both languages. It was no longer about learning words; it had become learning one another's worlds. As your post said, while the language gap was at times a point of hindrance, it was also a journey that brought their relationship closer in a way that felt unforgettable and irrepeatable.
ReplyDeleteThis entry was great! I really enjoyed reading it and learning more about relationships with language barriers. I have a friend who has been having a similar problem to this in the sense that she has a language barrier with her partner's parents. She expressed that her partner always feels frustrated with her and they get into it a lot because her first language is English while his and his families is Spanish. In the end my friend ends up feeling a bit down as it is not her fault her first language is Spanish, I try to remind her that she can express that she feels this way to her partner and learn some Spanish now if she wants to. I can see both sides of the situation. It is hard when you want to connect with people but are not fluent in the same languages. I enjoy that this blog added positives in a situation like language barriers and relationships because I will relate this to my friend and let her know that there are positives out of what she only sees as negative because it causes issues between her and her partner.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog post! This is such an interesting topic! I found it particularly interesting to learn about both the challenges of not being able to understand each other and the benefits of being able to teach each other when considering a couple having two different first languages. I have gone on two different study abroad trips, one to Denmark and one to Africa. In Africa, we dove into the culture a lot more than we did in Denmark. I completely understand your love of expressing yourself in a new language because I was able to learn how to express myself differently while in Africa. I believe this topic is so important and found it really interesting to learn more about.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog post! Your reflection on language barriers in relationships really resonated with me. I experienced something similar when I started dating my boyfriend, whose first language is Spanish while mine is English. At first, we had a hard time learning each other, sometimes what I meant came out sounding too blunt or awkward in translation. We just had a hard time learning each others pasts and triggers. However, over time, those challenges became opportunities for growth. We began teaching each other new phrases and laughing over mistranslations, which made us feel even closer. His whole family speaks Spanish so sometimes he will have me talk to them in Spanish which really lightens the mood. I agree that language differences can be both a barrier and a bridge. They force you to slow down, listen carefully, and appreciate communication as something meaningful rather than automatic. I really enjoyed how you connected your friends’ experiences to research, it made the topic feel both personal and academic.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post and the way you explored the connection between language barriers and attachment in romantic relationships. It’s interesting how you highlighted both the challenges and the rewards that come with communicating in a language that isn’t your first. I especially liked how your interviews supported the research by Dewaele and Salomidou (2017), showing that while language differences can make emotional expression difficult, they can also bring partners closer through shared effort and curiosity. Your discussion made me reflect on how language shapes our ability to connect deeply. I think this topic captures a beautiful balance between communication, culture, and emotion.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your thoughtful post on how two people with different first languages navigate romantic attachment. Your use of interviews with “M” and “N” alongside the research by Dewaele & Salomidou (2017) made the topic feel grounded and authentic. I’ve seen a similar situation in my own life: one of my friends dated someone whose first language was Spanish while hers was English. In moments of conflict or sadness, she sometimes felt mis-understood, not because her partner didn’t care, but because the vocabulary of emotion felt incomplete in her second language. Over time, they began to create their own “love language," little phrases, shared jokes, and cultural rituals that belonged just to them. That effort brought them closer, just like you describe in your post. Thank you for exploring how language difference can be both a barrier and a bridge in attachment. It reminded me that connection isn’t just about perfect words, but about willingness to learn and be seen.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog post I began to reflect on my mom’s and dad’s relationship. My mom grew up only speaking English while my dad grew up only speaking Spanish. They met as young teenagers and eventually found their way to one another. My mom always talks about how she only became completely fluent in Spanish at the age of twenty-five after being with my dad for several years. She often mentions how she became immersed in a culture she was not included in as a kid. She said she loved getting to know the Mexican culture, language, and customs. This allowed her to explore her identity and understand her roots. If anything, this language barrier brought my parents closer together and kept their relationship alive and thriving for the last twenty-nine years. Today they look back on this experience and still laugh about old memories and how this aspect of their relationship helped them grow closer together.
ReplyDeleteThis post really opened my eyes to how language differences can influence attachment in a relationship. I liked how you tied research to your interviews, because it showed both the challenges and the unexpected strengths that can come from cross-linguistic relationships. It reminded me of my cousin, who dated someone from Brazil last year. She often said the hardest part wasn’t grammar or vocabulary it was feeling like the “tone” of her emotions didn’t transfer well. Still, she always said the effort they put into bridging the language gap made them closer. Your post captures that perfectly and made me appreciate how communication goes deeper than words.
ReplyDeleteI love this post because it reminds me of a friend whose first language is Spanish and hers is English. She tells me how hard it can be sometimes to communicate with him and his family and can’t explain sometimes how she’s feeling just like you are feeling in your interview. At the same time, she is teaching her partner English and how to understand her needs better so that he can understand when she acts or says certain things that she needs more love or sympathy. Watching them when I am hanging out with them navigating the language differences you can see the frustration but also the love that they have to make the language barrier not affect their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post because it made me think about how much language shapes connection. I haven’t been in a bilingual relationship myself, but one of my close friends dated someone whose first language was different from hers, and she often said something similar to what your interviews described. She sometimes felt frustrated when she couldn’t fully explain her feelings or when a joke didn’t translate the same way. It wasn’t that the relationship was weak, it was just harder to show emotions clearly. At the same time, she also talked about how meaningful it was when her partner tried to learn her language, even if it was just small phrases. Those little efforts made her feel cared for and helped them grow closer. Your post does a great job showing both sides and the challenges and the excitement that can come from learning about each other’s worlds. It really shows how language differences can be a struggle, but also something that brings people together in a unique way.
ReplyDeleteHi! I really enjoy the nature and meaning of this post. When I first started reading this, I thought this post would be about being able to tell your story in another language, but it quickly turned into something sweeter. This post nicely captures the complexities of cross bilingual relationships. I love how you add personal experiences and connect it to your research, making this post not only relatable, but credible as well. My sister is dating someone from Africa, at first the language and cultural barrier was tough. But because they loved each other so much, over time they got through the challenges and learned to respect and love each other's culture which made their bond stronger, and they now have been together for 4 years and are now engaged.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your post about language barriers in relationships. Your interviews with M and N added such a personal dimension to the research. This resonated with me because I've watched a close family member navigate a similar situation. What struck me was how they developed their own unique communication style over time. Yes, there were frustrating moments, especially during emotional conversations, but the slowing down also made them more intentional about expressing themselves. Your point about safe haven is particularly interesting and I wonder if couples find alternative ways to provide emotional support when words fall short and theres those barriers. Your conclusion explains it well: these relationships are both challenging and rewarding.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really interesting read. The interviews between the two people showed that their responses were pretty similar, which I thought was cool. What makes their relationship stand out is how they share cultures and learn new things from each other. That seems to really strengthen their bond. Even if communication isn’t perfect all the time, their willingness to help and support each other makes a big difference.I do feel like in some cultures there’s a stigma around dating outside your own culture, and I wonder how successful these types of relationships tend to be.
ReplyDeleteI loved your post. It was one of the most relatable ones I have seen. I have personally done a lot of traveling, along with studying abroad in Spain. While in Spain for one semester of college, I began a relationship with a man who only spoke Spanish. While I do know a good amount of Spanish, I wasn’t fluent. We had such good times with him, and I really liked him, but sometimes I struggled with just being able to talk with him. If I wanted to get something off my chest, I couldn’t just speak. I had to think about how to say things in Spanish. However, I feel that if we spent more time together and we learned each other’s languages, it would bring us closer.
ReplyDeleteI would know how this affects love, as my mother, father, and I experience it. With my mother, she spoke English and Spanish, but her Spanish was not perfect, while my father knew Spanish but little to no English. While it was hard for them to talk it out, they understood their love and knew what to say. While it helps that their first language was different, and they knew the words well, it was still easy to for them to get the message across. Now, when I tried to talk to my parents, as my first language was sign language, it was easy to tell my mom how much I love her, and I was able to express my emotions more easily. But with my father, it was much harder to express my feelings, as I am not a pro with Spanish, but sometimes struggle way more with him than with my mother. Either way, I do think that language will not affect a relationship but rather strengthen it as it shows dedication and commitment.
ReplyDeleteThis most certainly can be true, but depending on the person, there are other love languages that might speak louder. Personally, I feel more connected to people through acts of service. In my eyes, my doing things for someone, and that someone doing things for me, will forever be more important than any words will ever be. Actions prove how we choose to show preference to one another, and I believe that love is a sacrificial choice we make through actions, not just a feeling we have.
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side of this, communication is absolutely crucial to a relationship, so I don't know how far I could go with a language barrier like that. It's extremely impressive and special!
I truly see how not speaking the same first language can be a big hurdle in a relationship, but as you phrase it through the story of people with partners who speak a different first language, it is really cool to see how people are willing to learn ones language and culture so they can stay together. I have family friends who are in the same relationship, one's first language is English and his wife's first language is Thai. I have listened to them describe how learning each other's languages has actually made them closer and is seen less as a barrier. Overall, the idea that language is a boundary for love is very interesting to see how people overcome that to be with the one's they love.
ReplyDeleteThis is a topic that is all too familiar to me and in a few ways. I speak French and English fluently having learned French first as my first language that I speak with my parents and family and then learning English as a child living in the U.S. Now that I have become older it is disheartening in a way, but I now speak English better than French while still being fluent in both. This makes dating weird and never perfect as I navigate college relationships. I agree with the idea that it is sometimes fun when we learn words and phrases or slang from each other and I get to feel like I am sharing and introducing something very personal to me to someone I care about. However, I will say I almost think it comes with more challenges. I agree with the idea that it is harder to express how I feel fully, but what is even more frustrating is that I feel like my personality does not translate like I would hope. As I have become older, I am now more comfortable in English, which is great! But now when I try to date or even make friends with people who speak French, I feel like I am not as funny or relatable as I am in English. This can be super frustrating because it makes me feel like I am not myself and that if they knew me in English, they would like me more. Along with the general language barrier between the two of us, my entire family speaks French as well! This means when I date people in the U.S. and I introduce them to my family the communication can be a lot more awkward for everyone involved and I spend a lot more time and energy translating than doing anything else. My sister goes through a similar struggle. She has been dating her boyfriend for a while, and he does things like Duolingo and is definitely trying to get better at learning French but can't fully have a conversation yet. My parents often forget when they are with all of us which means they will start speaking in French without thinking and my sister's boyfriend will start feeling left out and overall disappointed with the situation, I know it has become a bit of the argument between the two of them. While I have mostly said negative things, I want to emphasize there are beautiful things about sharing a new language with someone. For instance, I am excited to potentially raise bilingual children as I was raised, learn more about a culture that wasn't mine, etc. Different things work for different people and just because something is challenging doesn't mean it isn't worth it!
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