I spent the past fall semester in Spain with a study abroad program and one of the hardest but most fulfilling parts was learning how to express myself and tell my stories in a language that was not my own. I had one friend who found love in Spain and began navigating a romantic relationship with this same language barrier. This got me wondering about relationships with different first languages and how that affects the attachment between those two people. Is the language difference a barrier to a closer connection, or a hurdle that can be overcome? I interviewed two of my friends—M whose first language is English and was in a relationship with someone who spoke Spanish, and N whose first language is Spanish and was in a relationship with someone who spoke English. Just in case you’re wondering–they did not date each other, they have never even met!
First, let’s look at the research about this situation. In their study, Dewaele and Salomidou (2017) investigated the effect of language barriers on the emotional connection that people feel towards their partner. Their findings revealed that people feel they are not able to express themselves fully to a partner with a different first language. Especially in high emotional states, people are unable to express the full nuance of their emotions with a language that is not their first. This was reflected in the answers of my friends as well.
“While some words are synonymous, they carry different connotations and sometimes the extent to which I wanted to say something can’t be expressed either because I lacked the full vocabulary” -M
“It can feel like a task to try and explain what I’m trying to say or translate what I’m thinking to English which can hinder a connection from forming…it feels like a task” -N
Both people that were interviewed expressed having trouble turning to their partner during times of distress. This could become a lack of a safe haven, one of the key features of attachment in adults. However, the results from the study also show that this difficulty of communication did not prevent a relationship or connection from forming and did not affect authenticity between the partners (Dewaele & Salomidou, 2017). My friends also reflected positives in their relationship, becoming closer by learning from each other and overcoming challenges together.
“It always felt like there was something we could learn from one another. Every time we spoke it was like another adventure or challenge we could conquer together, bringing us closer.” -M
“I loved the fact that my partner would want to learn about my culture, how to speak Spanish, how to dance Cumbia…you could see how much my partner wanted to be with me by the effort they put into learning about my language and culture.”-N
Overall, I learned that a language difference between romantic partners can be both a barrier or a hurdle. On the one hand, the difference in language can be a barrier, which may dampen emotional expression. Yet in many ways, the attachment can be strengthened as people work together to overcome language barriers. So next time you’re interested in someone with a different first language, know that there may be challenges, but it can also provide excitement and adventure that fosters a completely unique connection.
References
Dewaele, J.-M., & Salomidou, L. (2017, January 17). Loving a partner in a foreign language. Journal of Pragmatics. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216616302946
Review this blog, reflect on one of my close friends dating someone from India. They both spoke English, which wasn’t her husband‘s first language. She talked to me a bunch of times about how she had a hard time feeling fully seen when trying to talk about certain feelings. Her husband sometimes misunderstood the different cues or didn’t realize when sarcasm, for instance, was being used, which has led to lots of miscommunication in the relationship. However, K and J grew stronger by intentionally working through these gaps and learning about each other‘s culture and language preferences. They started to create their love language for each other, which allowed them to feel and have more of an emotional attachment, which felt safe and reflected how each person felt.
ReplyDeleteI can not help but think about my mother in this case. She has been in a relationship with a man who speaks english while english is not her first language. I can see how much she struggles and how it can be really hard for her to express her feelings. Although English is not my first language, I am fluent in it and still have a hard time separating the different connotations and meaning of each word. It is also very helpful to have a partner who understands that some words in the english language may hold a special meaning to me because of my first language. By working together my mother and I are able to bridge the language barrier and make connections to a romantic partner.
ReplyDeleteWith the constant merging of cultures and languages, the relationship effect on speaking different languages was interesting to consider. It reminded me of my mom’s current situation. My mom just moved to Italy about three months ago. She has some knowledge of the language but is not fully conversational yet. She currently relies on the use of Google Translate for her conversations with Italian neighbors. She has expressed it is difficult and takes away from forming a closer relationship with them. While her neighbors are supportive of her app use, not speaking the language has caused barriers in relationship formation. They both tire of not fully understanding each other. My mom also feels more isolated and longs for the days when she can communicate without the use of an app.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved reading this blog post. A year ago, I studied abroad in Spain for five months. The first two months of my study abroad experience were likely the most difficult times of my life. Mainly due to the language barrier. I was living with a host family, and although I was not in a romantic relationship, I wanted to make meaningful connections with them. I found it to be incredibly challenging to express myself authentically in my second language – and this provoked not only an identity crisis, but also a time of immense reflection on the power of language in relationships. In this blog post the author mentions the ways that language barriers can actually bring people together as they struggle to overcome them. I think this holds an immense amount of truth and sheds light onto the principle that challenge tends to create community rather than dispersion.
ReplyDeleteI really identified with the blog, so it automatically became one of my favorites. As someone who is bilingual and whose first language is Spanish, I have faced many challenges as well. Mine have never been with love, but in school. I always have a hard time sounding clear in papers because in my native language, it makes perfect sense. I can see how this may relate to language barriers within relationships. You might think that what your Spanish-speaking partner is saying is insulting, but in reality, they might be having a hard time trying to express themselves. This is why in relationships with different languages should attempt to learn a little of the others’ language.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting post on how language barriers factor into romantic connections! It is understandable how difficult it can be to turn to your partner in a time in need but lack the words needed because of the language barrier. It is definitely tricky to try and translate what you are trying to say in another language. That is something I have struggled with before as I don’t speak the best Spanish and my ex-partner spoke better Spanish than I did so when I would try and articulate something it didn’t come out right and it definitely felt like a task to communicate with one another. Although I do see the positives as you mentioned how it can bring people together and embrace and learn a culture that is different from their own which can be very important for a romantic connection. Overall, great post!
ReplyDeleteThis was very insightful! I appreciate your attention to the delicate balance between both the emotional challenges and the emotional growth that can come from relationships across different languages. While language barriers can cause difficulty, so can differences in communication type. In my own long distance relationship, I have found that having different ways of expressing and sharing love can initially create challenges, but eventually these differences allowed me to form a stronger and more meaningful connection with my partner. Challenges such as language barriers, although very inconvenient, can be essential to building a habit of healthy communication in a relationship!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post and how you took a very thoughtful approach into looking into love across languages. It reminded me of a couple from my hometown who both spoke different languages but still found a way to make their relationship work. They both put in time and effort to learn each other's language, it was inspiring and showed that love is not just based on language yet actions. Watching this love story made me think of the attachment theory and the idea that your partner is haven, although language could be a barrier they were still each other's saftey net. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteGreat topic decision! I love that you picked people from both sides of a multilingual relationship. The context of words is incredibly different between languages, even between ASL and spoken English, things that may be rude in English are totally okay in ASL (ex. pointing). In a lot of ways, this can be incredibly enriching and broaden your perception of the world, and in others it would lead to a lot of miscommunication. I think it may also help a relationship to be more flexible and understanding, like you said, people have to work to understand the culture of their partner as well as their language. The expression of emotion may be one of the strongest differences between different languages, and not being able to properly express yourself would be so frustrating. When I sign (although im only mildly proficient) I tend to get so bogged down by the process of translating my thoughts that my emotions tend to take a backseat and it makes my signing a lot less clear, since the language is highly reliant on facial expression.
ReplyDeleteThe varying emotions of multilingual relationships is well covered in this post. The way in which theoretical study was integrated with personal experience in the subject made it more raw and accessible and that was something I found very appealing. The quotes from M and N were a reminder of how language barriers can both hinder one’s ability to communicate emotion (particularly when times are tough) and create closeness through teamwork and curiosity. The idea that language can be both a bridge and a blockade is very powerful. It’s nice to know that love and connection can develop through cultural exchange and mutual vulnerability, not within the same bounds of fluency. This article made me think about how powerful it is when someone tries to understand another person’s world. Thank you for that thoughtful and heartfelt piece!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this! I studied abroad last year, and while I wasn’t in a relationship, I remember how hard it was just to make friends and really be myself in another country. At first, my mind was so occupied with the idea of not messing up around locals that I constantly felt like a filtered version of who I was. I loved the quotes from your friends, especially when N said it felt like a task. It really is work, and that emotional labor can weigh heavily on relationships. But at the same time, your post helped me see how that challenge can also deepen a bond. When someone is willing to learn your language, your culture, and meet you halfway, it says a lot about their commitment. I appreciate how you shared both the struggles and the hope, it makes me feel less intimidated by the idea of navigating love across languages. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me because my cousin dated someone whose first language was Spanish while she mainly spoke English and just a bit of Spanish. At first, she expressed to me how they struggled having deep conversations, especially during moments of stress or obvious disagreements. But over time, they developed their own system, using translation apps, body language, and also effort in learning one anothers language. It wasn't always smooth, but the effort they put in made their bond stronger. I love how your post highlights that while language can be a barrier, it can also create a sense of adventure and intentionality. It reminds me that connection is about effort.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me think about my great-grandmother, who only spoke Spanish. Growing up, I didn’t speak the language fluently, so our conversations were limited to simple words, hand gestures, and a lot of guessing. Still, we had a deep bond. I remember how she would patiently teach me words in Spanish, and I’d try to teach her a few words in English. Like your friends, we sometimes struggled to express complex emotions, but the effort to understand each other made our relationship stronger. Even with the language barrier, I always felt her love, and I know she felt mine. Your post reminded me that emotional connection doesn’t always depend on perfect communication, but rather on shared intention, effort, and care. The study you referenced makes a great point: the hurdle of language can actually build a stronger attachment when both people are invested. Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful piece.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and found myself relating to many parts of what you shared.I moved to the U.S. as an international student and later became a citizen, so I understand how real and exhausting language barriers can be. I’ve also seen many friends who share my first language marry someone whose first language is English. While they often struggle to express emotions fully—especially with subtle feelings or conflict—I’ve noticed their relationships thrive when both partners bring patience and mutual understanding.
ReplyDeleteIf a friend told me they were hesitant to date someone because of language differences, I’d tell them what you said: focus on connection and effort, not just perfect words. The couples I’ve seen grew closer not because of language fluency, but because of the empathy and care they showed one another. Even people who speak the same language can still miscommunicate, so in the end, I believe the most important parts of any relationship are empathy, thoughtfulness, and love.
I really enjoyed reading your post about how language differences affect romantic attachments. It reminded me of a close friend who dated someone from another country and faced similar challenges. At times, she struggled to fully express her feelings in English because her partner’s first language was different. This sometimes made emotional conversations feel frustrating or incomplete. However, like your friends, they found that learning each other’s languages and cultures brought them closer and created a unique bond. Your post shows how language can both challenge and enrich relationships, which is a valuable insight for anyone dating cross culturally. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful perspective!
ReplyDeleteWhen analyzing this post, my first thought was the language barrier between me and my mom, and the way we overcome it. I am fluent in Spanish, but when it comes to being formal and trying to talk fast, I misinterpret some words, which gives my mom the wrong idea. She understands some English here and there, but she never fully had the chance to educate herself to become a communicative English speaker. A couple of examples I can think of are when a professor told me an impactful compliment, I wanted to directly translate the right words to my mom, but I would get frustrated when I couldn't do so. She would always tell me to just try and use simple words, but I would rather look up the exact words used for her better understanding. This has sometimes caused an emotional impact on my behalf due to the cultural language loss. Spanish is my first language, so not being able to even correctly communicate with my parents is unfortunate, but just like this post concluded, overcoming these barriers is a form of strength and resilience.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting concept to me. An example of this I found in my own life is between an aunt and uncle of mine. My uncle has a first language of Spanish, but also speaks fluent english, the aunt has a first language of German and also speaks fluent Spanish and english. From what I have observed, sharing a same second language has brought them close together in their relationship. They also switch the language they use to communicate to each other depending on if they are alone or in specific company. I think language is a very interesting thing to study, but never thought of it in a attachment setting. This post informed me on information I probably never would have sought out on my own. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this! This is a very interesting concept to me, and I have similar firsthand experience. This past spring, I did a semester abroad in Spain and lived with a host family. Although I wasn't engaging in a romantic relationship, there was still a little bit of difficulty in communicating and understanding each other 100%. But, it created a unique bond between my host mom and me where we got to practice each other's second language in an environment that was free of judgment, and we could politely and positively correct each other. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis resonates with me and makes me think of a friend of my grandmother's that fell in love with a person who spoke a different language than she did. It did not seem like it impacted them negatively at all besides the fact that they could not relate or fit in with each other's families. I do recognize that it would be more difficult to be able to be a point of security and comfort for your partner if there was a significant language barrier. Though it can bring people closer together, I think it can also be the reason they drift apart eventually. I like that N and M both felt that they were able to learn a lot from each other. I think when two people want to overcome a barrier (such as language) to be in a relationship, with lots of patience and determination, it can definitely be done!
ReplyDeleteThis entry struck very close to home since my cousin is in a relationship such as what you described. She is English-speaking as her native language, and her boyfriend is Portuguese-speaking as his native language. She would say to me way back when how infuriating it was when she could not find the words to express how she actually felt, especially during emotional moments. But with time, I started to notice how they made those struggles something good. They started teaching each other new vocabulary every week, preparing one another's traditional meals, and even watched films in both languages. It was no longer about learning words; it had become learning one another's worlds. As your post said, while the language gap was at times a point of hindrance, it was also a journey that brought their relationship closer in a way that felt unforgettable and irrepeatable.
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