It was a fateful day in 2010 when my little sister moved in with us, confirming her adoption and addition to our family. It was exciting and new and scary and confusing for everyone involved– me, my parents, and my new sister. Ever since that day, the topic of adoption has been close to my heart. One crucial part of adoption is the parents that are adopting that child and the environment they create. Obviously the attachment between the parents and adopted child is essential, but I started thinking about the attachment between the parents themselves. How does it change or shift with the adoption of a new child, if at all? As college students, most of us aren’t ready to have kids, but some of us might be thinking about adopting and wondering how that would affect our couple relationships.
The transition into parenthood is always a stressful time that puts strain on the new parents no matter what. In her article, Goldberg (2010) argues that the transition for adoptive parents is even more stressful than that of most biological parents. For adoptive couples, just the process before adoption (choosing an adoption path, choosing an agency or lawyer, deciding on desired adoptive child qualities, becoming certified etc.) can add additional stressors that are not in a traditional birth parent journey. I interviewed an adoptive parent to get his take on this.
“We only had so much information about adopting a child, compared to what we knew about parenting kids from birth. There were books and research and our own experiences growing up that informed us about raising birth kids. With the adoptive child, we had one training class and were thrown in. Our usual tactics for dealing with problems were blown out of the water.”
This ambiguity associated with adoption can add extra strain upon the adoptive couple. Then, after the adoption the parents are faced with unique challenges related to the adopted child’s trauma and trauma responses, which creates even more stress in the couples’ lives. What I began to wonder was whether this added stress brought couples together or pulled them apart.
According to a literature review conducted by Ward (1998), there are many factors and conflicting results about the marital relationship after adoption. She writes about several different studies, some of them finding positive effects on marriage, some negative, and some mixed. Some couples reported feeling closer and more connected to their partners, whereas others reported feeling more distant, even leading to divorce in a few cases. The couples that said they felt more connected when they had shared goals and felt they had to become more cohesive to work through shared adversity with their new child (Ward, 1998). This finding relates to research on attachment between couples as the partners found a “safe haven” in each other during stressful times. They were able to turn towards each other and find comfort in one another as they faced unique challenges. This was also supported by the experience of the adoptive parent I interviewed:
“We could relate to each other about our experience with adopting a child and gained even more in common with each other. We turned to each other a lot to understand what was going on in regards to her trauma responses. We worked together to foster tactics to do the best we could to help our adopted child.”
His experience shows evidence of the safe haven sign of attachment. However, as shown in the research, it is not all positive and some couples feel like they have less attachment after adopting a child (Ward, 1998). My interviewee said that his experience was also mixed, and that in some ways he felt less connected to his partner, especially as time went on.
“A big stressor was that adopting a child brought more tension into everyone’s relationships: parents, siblings, grandparents. The stress is that there is one more person between your relationship that is not ‘of you’.”
Overall, the research and personal experience show that adopting a child is a mixed experience for the attachment between the adoptive parents. For any prospective parents who are looking at adopting, research shows that turning to your partner and “closing ranks” against the new challenges and stressful experiences is the best way to maintain your attachment and become even closer to your partner.
This blog hit home for me because my close family friends had adopted my friend when I was in high school. I saw how the relationship was impacted by not only strength but by sharing a purpose. Sometimes it is even deadly to strain and burn out. The quote that says one more person between your relationship that is not of you has resonated with me. The father of my family friend had shared that adoption had unexpected emotional labor to it, not just as a parent, but navigating different family names and different discipline routes. This blog gave me a more realistic perspective on how adoption can impact a couple.
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe that the adoptive parent you interviewed only had one parenting class before being given their new child. I’m sure that most parenting tactics are pretty highly translatable, but you’re starting from a unique time in the attachment formation period. However, using the experience to strengthen the partner bond would (presumably) be an incredible protective factor, as parent attachment security tends to directly impact the security of the attachment to the child. Although I don’t know anyone who has adopted a child, I do know of people who have mixed families and they seem to report very similar experiences about adopting new kids into their family structure. Although, the unidirectionality of the attachment forming experience often leaves the new parent feeling isolated, taking away some of the team building experience, especially when only one parent had kids beforehand. I would be interested to hear what the research says about it!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a powerful post, thank you for sharing something so personal. It really made me think about how adoption doesn’t just change the life of the child, but reshapes the whole family dynamic, especially between the parents. I personally do not have first or even second hand experience with adoption but I can imagine how emotionally intense the entire process is. Your post helped me understand that adoptive parents probably all go through the same things, strained communication or fear of being fully loved. I really liked how you brought in both research and that interview, it gave a real sense of how complicated but also meaningful adoption can be. It’s not just about love for the child, but also about how the couple supports each other through the ups and downs. Thank you again for sharing this piece.
ReplyDeleteThis was really interesting to read! I always knew that adoption would change the dynamic, not just across the parent-child bond, but also how it would change the relationship between the parents. You gave such great quotes that it really brought a lot of the hard but wonderful aspects of adoption to life for me, it just felt very real and intimate. I appreciated your take on the highs and lows and the way some couples can grow closer by working together against the storm, but others might struggle even more. I guess it's a very cliched thing but I got the feeling that sticking together is a good thing in times of hardship, and so the line about closing ranks really stuck with me. Overall this was extremely enlightening and a lot of food for thought IF I ever think about adopting. Thanks for that honest and thoughtful blog post!
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me because my aunt adopted one child and has fostered many others over the years. Watching her go through the adoption and foster care process showed me how emotionally complex and rewarding it can be. While she didn’t have a partner to navigate the stressors with, I saw how she built her own support system through close friends and family. Your point about the importance of turning toward a partner really stood out. I imagine for couples, that mutual support could make a huge difference in staying connected. Even without a partner, my aunt often leaned on those around her to help process challenges, especially when handling trauma-related behaviors. She loved doing this work, so I imagine that what got her through some of those challenging times. Your inclusion of research and a personal interview made this post especially powerful and informative. It’s a reminder that while adoption can bring stress, it can also deepen bonds, whether with a partner or with a broader support network.
ReplyDeleteReading this post I was thinking about my grandparents and their adoption. After having three biological kids my grandmother found out about all these kids growing up without parents which led her to adopt two more kids. At the time of their adoption this was not a common thing for families to do. They also stood out as a family since three of their kids were white and the adopted kids were from Korea. There were definitely adjustments to be made for everyone, but this ended up being a great experience for everyone involved. I don't think there was a difference of attachment for my grandparents between their biological and adopted parents, but I am curious to ask my family about it now. Great work!
ReplyDeleteYour post was incredibly insightful and heartfelt. I really appreciated how you tied your personal connection to adoption with research and an interview—it made your discussion feel both authentic and evidence-based. I hadn’t thought much about how adoption might affect the attachment between parents, but your post helped me see how the process can either strain or strengthen the relationship depending on how couples cope together. The concept of a “safe haven” really stood out to me, especially how shared challenges can deepen attachment. It also made me think about how emotional support between partners plays such a critical role in any major life transition, not just adoption.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this insight and personal impact with regard to adoption. I really enjoyed reading your blog post about adoption and how it can impact attachment between parents. As a young adult I have contemplated adoption in the future, but I always wondered how it would impact my future relationship. I imagined it would add some sort of level of stress but never really sat down to reflect on the idea of how attachment would be affected. Your blog post really allowed me to sit down and gain additional insight. I also found it interesting how adoptive parents are required to attend classes and additional training as you mentioned. Yes, it makes sense given the circumstances, but I truly believe all parents could benefit from various training and not just adoptive parents.
ReplyDeleteI found this post incredibly thoughtful and respectful of the complexities adoptive parents experience. Not just with their child, but with each other. The way you connected research to your interview made the topic feel grounded and real. My family friends adopted a son when I was in middle school, and I remember the parents saying the process brought them closer at first because they relied on each other for support. But later, the stress of navigating trauma-related behaviors strained their relationship in unexpected ways. Your post reminded me of their experience and helped me understand the attachment dynamics they described. Really well done.
ReplyDeleteYour post really stood out to me because it captured how complicated and emotional the adoption process can be and not just for the child, but for the parents and their relationship as a couple. I don’t have personal experience with adoption within my own family, but one of my close friends grew up in an adoptive household, and she often said that her parents had both “really strong moments and really tense moments” throughout her childhood. Reading your post helped me understand why the stress before, during, and after adoption can affect every part of a couple’s relationship. I appreciated that you highlighted both sides, the research showing that adoption can bring parents closer together and the evidence that it can also create distance. The interview quotes added so much honesty and depth. It makes sense that couples who “turn toward” each other, instead of away, would feel more supported and connected during the harder parts of adoption. Your reflection shows that adoption is not a simple experience, but one that can deepen connection when both partners feel like they’re on the same team.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated your post about adoption and its impact on couple attachment. Interviewing an adoptive parent added such valuable real world perspective to the research. This hit close to home for me as I've also seen adoption within my second family. What resonated most was the idea that couples face this unexpected trauma responses and challenges they couldn't have anticipated. The mixed results you described make perfect sense. Some couples find that safe place in each other when facing shared problems, while others feel the strain of navigating something so unfamiliar. Your interviewee's point about "one more person between your relationship that is not 'of you really stood out to me. It explains something honest that people don't always talk about. Your conclusion about "closing ranks" together is spot-on while facing challenges as a team seems to be what makes or breaks couple attachment during this transition.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's hoping to work in the foster care system, this is valuable information in terms of some of the stressors that adoptive parents face. There are so many difficulties, considering that the child one adopts has a) a different set of genes, something to consider for physical and mental health. For example, a child might have type 1 diabetes and need medication. Then there's b) a different experience of their life before (depends on age). Some have faced significant trauma, like physical or sexual abuse, and others have been moved place to place. Society doesn't prepare adoptive parents on how to adapt to their child's needs. Something to consider is also the types of children who get adopted. Babies and toddlers are probably more likely because they'll 'fit in' to the family easier. Teens struggle to be adopted, and after they turn 18, they don't get support in their transition to adulthood. Also, you have to consider the types of children more likely to get adopted. For example, there are wealthy couples that prefer to adopt orphaned children from other countries. That isn't to say those children don't deserve a home, because they do. However, it's problematic that there are so many children in the United States, in foster care that also need a home, are being ignored. It's terribly sad, because not having guardians to look after them will make life events like going to college or moving out much harder. I know a family friend of my mom's who has two biological children, and has considered adopting children. It makes me wonder how the dynamic between her biological and adopted children might play out, especially with the vastly different genetics/experiences to consider.
ReplyDeleteI read a book "Broken Boy: Surviving Foster Care and Giving Back to the System That Stole My Childhood" about a man who barely survived his difficult childhood and foster care situation as both a boy and gay individual in the 1990's and early 2000's. I highly recommend the book, one of the fundamental books that opened up my mind to the foster care system and the problems with adoption. Thank you for sharing this valuable perspective, because there are so many children who deserve a loving household that don't have one. The more people speak about this, the more we can do to teach others about adoption, and how complicated, but wonderful, it can be.