The dreaded inevitable has come, the first fight between your significant other and you. The loving look that was just on your partner’s face is now momentarily replaced with anger. It can be a small tiff about where to eat for dinner or an issue that’s much deeper in intensity.
Regardless of the disagreement, attachment style can predict how we respond and handle conflict.
When someone with an insecure attachment style experiences stress, their body has an elevated response compared to someone with a secure attachment style 1. When exposed to stress everyone releases cortisol, a stress hormone, but individuals that are insecurely attached typically release an elevated amount. Cortisol causes our bodies to go into fight or flight mode, signaling the body to increase heart rate and blood pressure 1.
So why is this? Researchers think that this is due our internal working models 2. An internal working model is how we view others and ourselves. Similar to attachment, this model is heavily impacted by our caregiver’s response to our distress during childhood 2. Their reaction can be internalized through our working model and influence the emotional distress we feel during conflict. For example, if our caregiver was warm and reassuring most of the time, we are more likely to have internalized that people are trustworthy and that we are capable of handling stress. The reverse is seen as well, if our caregiver was not warm or responsive it may lead to an internalized message that people are not trustworthy and conflict should be avoided 2. I found this very interesting and asked my friend Sophie if she believed that her parents influenced how she currently handles conflict.
“I think that the way I handled conflict with my mom probably has an impact. When I argued with my mom it always started with a small thing and then the argument turned into a cyclone where all of the things that my mom was slightly annoyed with at the moment were mentioned. I don’t bring things up that I know will cause conflict because I was under the impression that small arguments would always turn into a bigger argument. I only initiate conflict if it is a big issue and I know how the person responds to conflict.”
Research has shown that each attachment style typically has a different response to conflict 2. Securely attached individuals are shown to have better conflict resolution and coping mechanisms. They are more likely to share their issues in a constructive manner and believe that even during conflict their partner will still support them. Individuals with an anxious attachment, according to research, avoid conflict for fear that their partner will reject or leave them if a disagreement occurs. Lastly, individuals with an avoidant attachment are more likely to remove themselves from conflict and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves 2. Sophie reports having an avoidant attachment style and agrees that she withdrawals during conflict and avoids it if possible.
“The way I deal with conflict is to try to avoid it. When I was little and had conflict with my brother or mom, I would literally run away from it and hide under my bed. When I do have to deal with conflict, I try to just stay on one topic and follow the other persons lead. During conflict I do not typically share things [feelings or thoughts] with others without being prompted. I like to keep my emotions very internal. If it’s not something that is really going to bother me, I don’t see a reason to discuss it and therefore I don’t talk about it. My boyfriend and I have topics that are off-limits, such as politics, to avoid disagreements. When we do have disagreements, we usually flip a coin to determine what we should do.”
Becoming aware of how we typically respond to is the first step to improving relationships, both romantic and personal. The next step is to take a risk and share that awareness with the people we are close to and in conflict with.
1 Powers, S. I., Pietromonaco, P. R., Gunlicks, M., & Sayer. A. (2006). Dating couples’ attachment styles and patterns of cortisol reactivity and recovery in response to relationship conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (90), 613-628. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.90.4.613
2 Creasey, G., & Hesson-McInnis, M. (2001). Affective responses, cognitive appraisals, and conflict tactics in late adolescents’ romantic relationships: Associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48(1), 85-96. doi: 10.1037//0022-O167.48.1.85
When I was younger, I felt very distant and detached from my family because there was abuse behind closed doors, but I held out the belief that I was still loved and that I could still trust my parents even though I couldn't trust my brothers. As time went on and I was repeatedly ignored and shushed from the abuse, I still felt like I should be loved, but I then felt I couldn't trust my family anymore. Once I developed substantial friendships and relationships in high school, I was met with more support and care than what I had experienced in my own family. My IWM of my family was negative, but my IWM of my friends and partners were different because I still had the dependent or desire to trust my family, but that dependency and desire to connect and be close transferred to my relationships with friends and such. Due to my IWM of my family being negative, I know I cannot approach conflict in my relationships still, and I know I cannot handle stress very well. I used to be avoidant, in which I realize my feelings weren't being valued, so for a long time I hid myself pretty well, hiding my true emotions. But, once in high school, I began to realize how actually messed up my home situation was, and then I began to be anxious in my friendships, not knowing if they still care about me or if they're tired of my many emotional breakdowns.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post so much! I personally think that when I experience conflict with my current boyfriend, I notice I handle conflict much like my mom. Growing up and having conflict with my mom, she would always show increased anger and voice her opinions, but eventually not help resolve the conflict, and ignore the issue. I notice that I am initially extremely stressed and infuriated with any argument, but once I am tired of being upset, I ignore it and save the anger for later. You could call this setting the problem aside for the future, which is not healthy. With my boyfriend, he is much more calm and collected when in conflict, he thinks before he speaks and demands resolving the issue as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading Ashley Witting’s blog post, Conflict in a Relationship, I would also agree that the way I am raised has helped shape the way I deal with conflict. I believe that there are many healthy ways to deal with conflict, but it is not easy to get there. Through my past experiences, I have seen that there is a shift in the relationship if the conflict is not taken care of in a healthy manner. This for me would dishearten my drive to keep trying to have a healthy relationship with the other person involved. Overall, I am very grateful that my mother has taught me to confront and deal with conflict in a healthy manner.
ReplyDeleteConflict is very much of personal interest to me in the context of loving and supportive relationships. I am learning how crucial conflict and resolution skills are to a relationship. With my romantic partner, Jarred, we are totally opposite in our preferences for engaging conflict. I lean towards to the anxious-avoidant romantic attachment style which means that upon insecurity or conflict I desperately move towards the other person to try to sort out whatever is off or wrong. This can come off as overwhelming and even smothering. My partner, on the other hand, tends to be a little more avoidant. When conflict arises, his fear is that engaging in it will only make it worst and likes to take time away to evaluate and reflect. My fear is that in time away, he will decide to reject me entirely. Our conflict styles have been difficult to sort out in our relationship. For me I am realizing that I need to give him a little space and reserve some of my emotions to be tended to on my own rather than placing all my concerns on him. It is actually quite hard to strike the balance between vulnerable engagement with him and running away because I am actually afraid that I am too much for him. Regardless, the work of conflict is crucial and worthwhile! Thanks for your post, Ashlee.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I found your blog about conflict in relationships to be very interesting. When you gave examples of how people with insecure attachments respond to stress and conflicts, I kept thinking how that sounds a lot like myself. I did not know that people with insecure attachments produce more cortisol when stressed. That makes me feel better to know, because when I get stressed, sometimes it feels overwhelming intense. Also, when you explained how insecurely attached individuals avoid conflict, that is definitely something I do. I believe that it does have to do with the way that my parents influenced how I deal with conflict.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. I think that it is super interesting how our internal working models can influence conflict in relationships, as well as how we handle conflict in our relationships. I have to agree with your friend, as I can see how the influence of relationships that were less warm tend to show avoidant styles of conflict. I used to be someone who was very afraid of conflict. I don’t like conflict, and always try to stay out of conflict, but when something arises that needs to be addressed, I always try to find the best way to address it with that person. That way each person learns and is able to grow from the situation. Sometimes, conflict is healthy as it does teach people, but I also think knowing the boundaries of situations/relationships are helpful that way to maintain a healthy relationship rather than invoking conflict.
Hello Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm going to start off by saying this is one of my favorite blog posts of yours and with that being said I was in many conflicts in my previous relationship where I was able to fit my own connections into this blog post as well. I wouldn't say my parents were able to impact how I resolve conflicts, but being in a first committed relationship I was quite terrified how to solve a conflict between me and my significant other. I would describe myself as having an avoidant attachment through these experiences because I would not show as much emotion as i shouldve, and thi was mostly because the conflicts were meaningless to me. As in they did not need to happen. However, I would say experiencing that for a year and a half, I now am able to communicate better, and hopefully know how to solve conflict better.
Hi Ashlee! I found this post incredibly interesting and could also relate it to my own personal situations. I liked how you addressed that our internal working models can impact conflicts in relationships. I also enjoyed reading how attachment styles can depict how an individual reacts in a conflict. I think that by understanding our own individual attachment styles and internal working models is the first step to have a healthy relationship. If someone has more of an insecure attachment style, they could communicate this with their partner so when a conflict does break out, it might make it easier to calm down and come to an agreement.
ReplyDeleteAshlee,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog post and your willingness to expand on a topic like conflict especially within relationships. I think that it is essential to recognize and know your significant other’s attachment style because it can easily become something that is unknown. Knowing what your significant other’s attachment style and tools when experiencing conflict can really aid in disarming conflict. I think that one key to disarming conflict is to have regular check ins with your significant other so that there is less availability for things to fester and build up into conflict and fighting. You mentioned that each attachment style reacts and responds to conflict differently (this is helpful to know). It has been helpful in my relationship with my significant other.
Hi Ashlee!
ReplyDeleteIn my personal experiences I feel as though my parents raised me to handle conflicted quite well. My mom has always taught me that during an argument you should try and "put yourself in the others person's shoes." So, in a conflict with a partner or a friends I always think of how they felt or are feeling and I really think it helps me calm down as well as the other person. When in conflict with my parents they are always super good at expressing how they feel and why they feel that way so that both sides feel they have expressed everything through calm communication rather than angry words. Although, I do think I handle stress well within an argument I still do everything in my power to avoid confrontation because it is often hard to see the other side and have empathy when I am angry.
I loved reading about this particular motif. Throughout this blog post, it talks about how during conflict with romantic partners, we sometimes fall into a pit of “fight or flight”. This happens because our brains produce a stress hormone, cortisol, however, ones who are insecurely attached produce a higher amount than people who are securely attached. This would go into play as a person experiences physical and emotional abuse from their partner and once the conflict rises, ones who are unsure of their partner's motives may produce more, which could cause a more impulse to fight or flight. I feel like I've experienced this through many of my relationships in college but the one that sticks out to me is a close friend of mine. She's always had this attachment to an idea of the ideal person she wants to be with, but as soon as she finds a guy she's interested in it's either fight or flight. She does this because she wants this attachment to the person and craves their affection.
ReplyDeleteConflict can definitely make or break a relationship and children learn how to do cope with conflict by watching their parents. Therefore, when they grow up, they're going to have the same or very similar ways to deal with clowns like does their parents. So, if their parents have an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict more than likely their children are going to as well because the children are constantly watching the parents’ actions. Conflict is a hard topic in my relationship. I love to talk about how I'm feeling regardless of if it's good or bad, but my significant other does not like sharing his feelings. He is not good about expressing if he's upset with something and I think it's because his family does it openly talk about real issues within the family. I have noticed this by being around them quite a bit and when something serious gets brought up that needs to be a family conversation the topic usually gets changed and it doesn't go back to the serious topic that needs to be talked about. So, the way the I try to talk about things with him is just to sit down and ask him how he's feeling, and I feel like this works pretty well for us.
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee, I really enjoyed reading your blog post. I found it to be very interesting and it had a wide variety of good information. I never really have thought about the types of attachment styles that one has when one is in a conflict with one significant other. When thinking of the attachment styles that are related within my own life, I would have to say that I have a mix of a secure and avoidant attachment style when it comes to having conflict with my mother but then on the other hand, I have an anxious attachment style when it comes to a partner. I could compare myself to Sophie in a sense. Thinking back to my internal working model, I don’t think my mother really has taught me to deal with conflict because of how she responded to conflict.
ReplyDeleteThis has by far been one of my favorite blog posts! I enjoyed reading it very much. I have always said that attachment styles are very important in maintaining a relationship and after reading your blog now why my parents have been together for so many decades. My mom and dad both have secure attachment styles. I have seen how when they get into an argument, they can easily resolve it without it escalating to something worse. They stop and think about what they are going to say to each other and afterwards find solutions to their problems. This has been such a great example for me because when I have my own relationship I want to be like them.
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI found this article very interesting. When reading the blog, I related this to my personal life, and I say that I am a mix between avoidant and secure. If there is an issue that needs to be addressed, I am willing to talk about it and get to a middle ground. But sometimes there are certain topics that I will set a limit where I will not discuss them. I see this with my mom and me. We have this dynamic where we can discuss the issue to a certain extent before it becomes too much, and we shut it off. For the most part I am willing to discuss any issue, but if things escalate to a point where they can turn into a conflict, I will shut it down.
Hi Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved how you tied attachment and conflict in this blog post. While experiencing my first serious romantic relationship, conflict has come up many different times, but I have never been able to pinpoint the reason why our conflict discussions occur the way they do. I feel as though after reading this post I really understand this better. I agree that attachment comes from the relationships formed with one’s parent as well as our internal working models because I see that in my own romantic relationship. Growing up, it was always a bit dicey to have conflict with my mom because I never knew if it would blow up into something major or be discussed in an adult matter. Walking into a romantic relationship, I felt the same way. But with a securely attached partner, conflict has seemed much better because I typically receive a warmer and more consistent reaction. Great post!
Hi Ashlee, it is interesting how our childhood experiences and attachment at a young age follow us throughout life. Our caregiver’s responsiveness and kindness affect the way we look at and respond to things. When I was younger my parents would fight a lot and it was chaotic, I did not understand what was going on or how I was feeling, so I would just cry. I now have an avoidant attachment style; I also find myself shutting down or not wanting to talk about things because it feels unnecessary. I need to remember that it is possible to have a successful relationship even with an insecure attachment style.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to arguments within a relationship, due to my anxious attachment style, I try to avoid conflict at all costs, because I do not want to risk losing the person I am with. Over time, I have gotten better at confrontation and speaking my mind about things that bother me, and not letting someone manipulate me into making an argument seem like my fault. I found that actually speaking my mind when an argument arises actually causes me to have less anxiety after the fact, so that I am not sitting there dwelling on the “could have beens” during the argument. As a child, I don’t recall avoiding conflict with my parents, because I never really had conflict with them, which is why I have always been so perplexed as to why I have such an anxious attachment style. I liked how you mentioned that no matter what your attachment style is, that being aware of it can help to improve your relationship and help you gain insight about yourself for future relationships.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post very interesting in response to individual attachment styles and conflict. I relate to a more insecure attachment style and find myself stressed easily in situations. My boyfriend on the other hand is more secure and often I find that I might be intensely stressed when he is more calm. Our behaviors in different situations are a product of our attachment styles that influence how we react. I think it is super important in this case to be able to communicate and share internal feelings so conflict can be resolved more effectively. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteYour post was interesting to read. We could be influenced by our internal working models, as well as our handling of conflict in relationships, which is interesting to me. Knowing where the boundaries are between different situations or relationships is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship and preventing conflicts. Sometimes conflict is healthy as it does teach people, but it is also necessary to understand the boundaries when dealing with relationships. Likewise, I believe my upbringing has shaped how I approach conflict. As I am afraid of conflict, I try to avoid conflicts as much as possible; however, when I need to address something with someone, I try to find the best way to do so. As a result, each individual benefits from their experiences and can grow.
Hey Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteEvery time I get into a new relationship, I always dread upcoming fight between my boyfriend and me. I really don’t like conflict at all, and I used to avoid it as much as possible. Avoiding conflicts in my past relationships didn’t do me any good because all the angry would build up and explode. My past relationships taught me that if I have a problem about thing, I need to deal with it, so it doesn’t build up. Now, that I am in a secure relationship, conflict doesn’t scare me because I know that the conflict will be resolved. I think that people have to learn from their past experiences of dealing conflict in a negative way to learn how to deal with conflict in a more positive way for the future.
Hi Ashlee
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog; I think that it highlighted the effects and responses to conflicts in relationships perfectly. I agree that conflicts in relationships happen based on past issues such as your upbringing with parents or past significant others. The start of the relationship is always more complicated because we are unsure about the partner's past. Many people run away from conflict and don’t want to deal with it, which I am someone that does do that. I'm not one to deal with conflict; I like it to go away on its own. Overall I enjoyed this blog great job!
Hi Ashlee! Your blog post mentions people can handle conflict differently depending on the type of attachment style they have. I have noticed this a lot with my current relationship. I experience a secure attachment in my relationship, therefore when conflict does arise, I am more trusting that we will resolve it. I have also noticed that my partner notices how I respond to conflict and acts accordingly. He is so patient and caring. This also helps me to notice how I respond to conflict and can act on that. It is sometimes hard for us to recognize how we respond.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post and I relate to many of the things that were brought up. I personally grew up in a home that was very avoidant when it came to conflict. Both of my parents completely ignored conflict and the constant avoidance eventually built up and lead to their divorce. I have seen some of those styles in myself when I am in conflict with a significant other. I often just try to avoid it at all cost, causing me to shut down and not attend to my partners needs in that time of conflict. I think it is interesting to look at my past and see how my parents relationship has completely shaped my perspectives on relationships and especially conflict resolution. This post really made me think! Great job!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! It is hard to think back to my past and how my household handled conflict. I know my parents had a lot of conflict, and I think my mom handled it much worse than my dad. But then I think back to my attachment to my parents, which was very secure. Both of my parents were very warm and responsive, and still are, which made me think I could trust everyone and see the good in people. This has scarred me as I got older as I have allowed many people to emotionally take advantage of me. When it comes to conflicts and how I handle them now, I rather talk it all out right when something is brought up- although I understand if my partner doesn't want to address the conflict yet, I hate waiting and letting the conflict drag on.
I really enjoy the topics that you have been posting, so I decided to choose another one to read and think more deeply about. Conflict in relationships has been something that I have struggled with in the past because I always like to resolve it as soon as possible and move past it with my partner, but a few of my partners have not had the same internal working model as me. I think that there is always going to be a risk while bringing up a difficult conversation, but in the end, it is always worth it. I think that figuring out what attachment style my future partner is before any conflict occurs will be beneficial to both of us, especially since I already have a good idea about how I would respond in a situation like that.
ReplyDeleteRelating parent attachment to how an individual deals with conflict is a fascinating connection to make. My ex-boyfriend grew up in a family where there was little love shown, no one supporting each other, and no healthy communication on conflict. When we would argue, which was pretty much everyday, he always made it a very toxic situation when trying to come to a resolution. I was always to blame; he would angrily pace the room and scream. No matter the size of conflict we were having, this was the result. At the time I had never related it to how he grew up and how his family handled their emotions. It makes me sad to think that he has reactions like this based off how he grew up but maybe that was the explanation or it all. Maybe its not an explanation for it at all. I have a secure attachment style and would try and talk through our conflict, but this never really worked because his emotions would go to he extremes. It’s interesting to apply this concept to a time in my life, especially a past one, that I can see clearly now.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I have to agree with you and my fellow commentators. The way my husband and I were raised, and the attachments that we formed in our early childhood provide explanation for many of our behaviors and conflicts in our relationship. My husband grew up with a single mother who was very avoidant. Her love language has always been action rather than words. In our ten-year relationship I have never seen my mother-in-law say I love you, or I am proud of you or even hug my husband. As we began our relationship his lack of touch and communication negatively impacted me, we were forced to take a look at the reasons why we were acting that way. Therefore, when our first daughter was born, he understood that the best for her was to be able to establish that secure bond and attachment. The interesting part of this is that now with her grandchildren my mother-in-law is the most loving and present “grumpy grandma” ever.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, after reading your post about conflict in relationships, I was able to apply a lot of what you said to my life and my relationships. Conflict in relationships is never fun and can cause an abundance of issues down the road. If we try to understand where we come from then we can alter this internal working model of how we see ourselves and our partner and perhaps conflict will dissipate. Avoidant attachment and secure attachment look very different when handling conflict and it is important to know and understand the attachment style and how that contributes to our behaviors and actions.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I've never thought of attachment style and how you deal with conflict being related but it makes so much sense. I side with being insecure/anxious when it comes to attachment and definitely go into fight or flight mode when conflict arises. It’s interesting because I was raised in a very emotional available home, but my past relationships have shaped this attachment style more than my caregivers response to stress during childhood. I relate to feeling like my partner will reject or leave me when disagreements occur. This fear sends me into fight or flight and I act in a way that I don’t even mean to.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post as I think it plays such a big role in our lives and is not talked about enough. If anyone is like my friends and I, you hear a lot of complaining and contemplating when one of us is in a fight with our boyfriends. When thinking of these arguments after reading this post it is very easy to figure out attachment styles based on their tendencies. Specifically, one of my friends was dating a guy that would avoid conflict and arguments at all costs. Nothing was ever wrong and if it was by the morning it would be solved. This is an example of anxious attachment because he would always avoid conflict. I will definitely be keeping this information in mind especially when approaching different interactions with people.
ReplyDeleteAloha! I really liked hearing your friend Sophie talk about learning to associate small arguments or dissatisfactions with inevitable larger arguments. I feel like this is how my mom and my sister interact when they’re alone together. It’s not that they don’t love each other, but they each have difficulty sometimes grasping the bigger picture, and exacerbating conflict is sort of a self-defense mechanism, letting them put off addressing the underlying issues of their attachment, needs, and communication styles. I think it can be really helpful to have securely attached people on the fringes of communication that has the potential to explode, because of their ability to model conflict resolution and de-escalation tactics, maybe a little better than people with insecure and avoidant attachment. The coin flip is an awesome neutral tactic to take for avoiding arguments.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee! Reading this made me realize how much our attachment style shapes the way we handle conflict. It’s really interesting to think about how the experiences we had with caregivers as kids can follow us into our adult relationships. I especially related to Sophie and her experiences with her mom, which taught her to avoid conflict, which makes sense now knowing how attachment styles work. I can relate to that, too, since my attachment is similar and causes me to want to avoid conflict.
ReplyDeleteConflict in relationships is inevitable, but in my experience doesn’t happen until later on in the relationship. I have found that building a proper and healthy foundation of communication sets the tone for how conflict (big and small) is resolved. It’s important to have a system that works for both you and your partner when discussing issues that you are having. I also believe that addressing the smallest issues is the most important part in long-term conflict resolution. They can’t read your mind, bring it up! Say how you feel even if you feel like it isn’t a big deal and you could get over it with some time. If you don't, these “little issues” that “aren’t a big deal” will compound and build resentment towards your partner. It could get to the point that when you do eventually have a big conflict you become so overwhelmed with all the compounded “little issues” rising to the surface. I believe that all emotions and feelings come out eventually, it’s regulating and communicating them as they come so you can let them go properly.
ReplyDeleteWhile my partner and I don’t have a ton of major arguments or conflicts, I unfortunately grew up in a household where my parents were constantly fighting and conflict was something I was very used to being around. This created a lot of tension and uncertainty for me, so as an adult, I’ve learned that I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible. Not only am I very submissive because I hate conflict, I also have found that I am very timid when it comes to romantic relationships and tend to back away when it becomes serious. Due to how I watched my parents huddle in disagreement , I tend to shy away from even minor arguments and just pretend that I agree with the other person's opinion. These childhood experiences left me feeling like conflict will always escalate, so it's best just to avoid it. Now, in my first ever healthy and happy relationship, my partner and I have learned to communicate our disagreements in a healthy way where we both feel respected. Learning about attachment styles has really helped me reflect on why I act the way I do, and I’m working on being more open and communicative in my relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very helpful for me because it made me recognize how important it is to explore what is right for you. I have been in a few relationships in the past where someone I liked would always play hard to get. This was always very hard for me because it made me extremely anxious and also made me feel like I wasn't good enough for them. Now I know it had nothing to do with me and all with them though. Conflicts in relationships can be a very hard thing to navigate, but also one of the most important things to work on.
ReplyDelete