Emotional Availability

     If you are a Human Development and Family Studies major like I am, you know that almost all classes discuss the importance of caregivers providing warm and responsive parenting. Although it is all easier said than done, parents should set clear rules for their child, be engaging and warm in their tone, and provide consistent support. Through these blogs we have discussed how the above-mentioned factors impact attachment. Attachment theory is just one area of research that focuses on the impact of parent child relationships. Another area of research that focuses on parent child relationships is emotional availability (EA). Emotional availability looks at how we treat and relate to those we are in a relationship with and how we want to be treated by them¹. Our EA is influenced by our interactions with our caregivers during childhood and focuses on the emotional quality of the relationship such as tone of voice, providing physical comfort, and demeanor during interactions¹. To gain a deeper understanding of EA, I interviewed Dr. Zeynep Biringen, an esteemed professor in the HDFS department at CSU. Dr. Biringen has spent most of her professional career researching attachment and EA. To gain a deeper understanding of the differences between attachment theory and EA, I asked Dr. Biringen to discuss the differences between the two theories. 

“The EA framework focuses on “emotions”, which attachment theory and attachment assessments are not necessarily focused on. In addition, the EA framework looks at things dyadically [dialogue between two people], taking into account the parent’s and the child’s perspectives, both separately and together”. 

    In addition to being different in its research focus, EA is unique because it focuses on the individual relationship that we have with others. We can be emotionally available in one relationship but not in others¹. This is a much broader perspective compared to attachment theory. 

    “Emotional availability is a more real-world measure than attachment in the sense that you can measure it anywhere and basically during any amount of time (although the more you have the better). Also, EA is broader than attachment. Technically, attachment is about stressful situations and specifically separation-reunion situations whereas EA is about a much broader relationship phenomenon”. 

    I feel like we can all relate to our EA being different based on what relationship we are discussing. I have seen this phenomenon in my own relationships and my friend’s relationships. I personally am very emotionally available in friendship with my girls. But in romantic relationships, I am very fast to put my walls up and withdrawal from my partner. I believe that emotional availability is unique because it focuses on individual relationships instead of having a broader view focusing on all relationships. Despite the two differences mentioned above, Dr. Biringen indicated that EA and attachment theory are related in the measures they use. 

    “The Emotional availability (EA) Scales are associated with attachment, as measured by the Strange Situation Procedure, the Attachment Q-Set, and the Adult Attachment Interview, at moderate levels, and these other attachment measures are actually related to each other at moderate levels”. 

    In addition to using similar techniques, research has found that children who have an emotionally available relationship with their parent show similar future outcomes as children with a secure attachment style¹. Outcomes of children with higher EA relationships show higher emotional competence and academic achievement, and better peer relationship. It is beneficial for children to have parents who are emotionally available¹. 

    These blogs have shown the importance of parent child relationships through the lens of attachment theory. Attachment theory is a well renowned research topic, but I believe that it is important to look at this influential relationship through a lens of another closely-related research theory. This blog introduced us to emotional availability, and if you are interested, I encourage you to pursue this area of research further. Maybe even reach out to a professor during office hours it’s surprising the information you can discover. 

  ¹Biringen, Z. (2009). The universal language of love. EA Press. ISBN: 0982130309

Attachment Style and Relationship Formation

    November is quickly approaching and with it comes snuggle weather, family holidays, snowball fights, hot chocolate, and the most dreaded of all; cuffing season. Cuffing season, following “hot girl or boy summer”, starts in the fall months and goes throughout winter. This season may be full of fun Instagram worthy winter adventures with your new boo. Or our relationship status may remain unchanged. If your family is anything like mine, the change of seasons becomes a time for the dreaded questions about my lack of a romantic life. These cheery conversations usually occur over the mashed potatoes at the dinner table. In case your family isn’t the same as mine, here are some of the questions I have been asked: “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” “There has to be a cute guy at the college of yours.” “You know you’re getting older right?”. Despite the want for Instagram worthy date pictures and the pressure from my family I do not feel the need to be in a relationship. After all, being single during our emerging adult years can empower us to explore our passions, and life goals. 

    Despite me being okay with this season of singleness, I was curious about individuals that want to be in a relationship but are currently single. I have friends that are always in a relationship or going on dates, but I also have friends that have only been on a handful of dates since high school. I was curious about how our attachment styles impact our self-efficacy in relationship formation. For this blog I interviewed a very sweet friend of mine, Anna. She has not been in a committed relationship before. When asked about her confidence in initiating, developing and maintaining a relationship her response was as follows: 

    “Obviously, I am not very good at initiating a romantic relationship. If I was in a relationship, I feel like I would be scared the whole time that I couldn’t maintain it. I would be afraid that he would leave me. The fear of rejection is the main thing that I believe stops me from pursuing romantic relationships.”

 

    When we have an insecure attachment, we may frequently doubt our ability to be successful in tasks, especially during social interactions¹. We might even feel unqualified to be in a romantic relationship. When we have insecurities, we do not jump headfirst into situations where our insecurities could become obvious. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: individuals with an insecure attachment have a lower sense of efficacy which then negatively influences their ability to engage in romantic relationships¹. Anna agreed and said that she is not confident in her ability to have a relationship and is afraid to seek them out even though she wishes to pursue one. Our confidence in our own ability has a major impact on what we pursue, and this can especially be seen in our pursuit of a dating relationship. 

    Our caregivers have a much greater impact on our relationship formation than I had previously believed. Their interactions with each other, and with us while we were children provide us with a representation of what relationships should look like². Anna stated during her interview that her parent’s relationship provided her with an idea of what she wants her future relationships to look like. She mentioned that despite her challenging relationship with her parents during childhood, she now has a greater appreciation of her parents’ marriage and parenting style. 

    “My parents have a huge impact on my current view of dating relationship. My parents love each other so much. They’re good at very different things but that makes them a good team. I don’t think that they love each other any less than they did on their wedding day. I strive to be as in love as they are and parent as they did. My parents are absolutely amazing. Another way they have impacted my current view is that they met when they were older. I know that the right time will come, and I can wait as long as I need. I am not in a rush to find my future husband.” 

    The representation that we form greatly depend on the warmth, and responsiveness our parents provided us². Due to this representation individuals who have an insecure attachment style have been shown to experience increased difficultly forming intimate relationships compared to individuals with a secure attachment style. It is interesting that we internalize our parent’s interactions with us and then use that as a model for, potentially, all of our future relationships². 

    I find it fascinating that our attachment style impacts our relationship self-efficacy and psychosocial development. Our relationships with our caregivers during childhood have such a far-reaching impact that I had not previously considered. I believe that this blog emphasizes the important of evaluating our own intentions and ideals concerning romantic relationships. Whether you are staying single or finding a new boo this cuffing season, reflection can be powerful tool to improve the initiation, development, and maintenance of relationships. 

¹Cnossen, F. S., Harman, K. A., & Butterworth, R. (2019). Attachment, efficacy beliefs and relationships satisfaction in dating, emerging adult women. Journal of Relationships Research 10(19), 1-9. doi: 10.1017/jrr.2019.14 

²Kumar, S. M., & Mattanah, J. F. (2016). Parental attachment, romantic competence, relationship satisfaction, and psychosocial adjustment in emerging adulthood. Personal Relationships, 23, 801-817. doi: 10.1111/pere.12161

Gaining a Secure Attachment

    Throughout my blog posts and those posted by others we have explored the impact that childhood attachment has on us as emerging adults. The majority of the blogs have focused on the impacts of having an insecure attachment. This may be discouraging to read if we identify with an attachment style other than secure. But the coolest thing about attachment is that we have the ability to experience growth and switch to a secure attachment style! Around one in four individuals change their attachment style during adulthood¹. Throughout this blog we have encouraged readers and ourselves to reflect on our own attachment style. This reflection has prepared us with the knowledge to potentially change our attachment style. 

    Before we make the decision to pursue earning a secure attachment, we must decide if it is worth the work and reflection; which in my opinion, it is. Individuals who have a secure attachment have a higher self-esteem, are comfortable sharing emotions, more independent, and have better communication skills to list a few benefits². This is an extremely shortened list of traits associated with a secure attachment. In addition to providing personal benefits, having a secure attachment also improves our romantic and personal relationships¹. When we are in a securely attached relationship, we experience higher satisfaction, intimacy, and trust. We also experience better conflict resolution and less overall conflict in the relationship. Everyone can experience a secure attachment; it is not out of our reach¹. 

    One way that we can change our attachment style is by forming new relationships with others who can serve as attachment figures³. These relationships can be with friends or romantic partners³. Emerging adulthood is a great time to find others to form these relationships with because for most of us, this is the first time that we are leaving our parents and meeting people outside of our hometown. I know this is true especially for me; during the last four years at CSU I have met so many people that have become my second family. These new attachment figures, most commonly romantic partners, often displace our caregivers and become a key attachment figure³. This study found that we rank our attachment figures from most to least important based on their accessibility and support of our attachment needs (think back to safe haven and proximity maintenance). During childhood our caregiver, typically our mother, is our most important attachment figure but when we enter into romantic relationships our partner often eventually replaces our caregiver(s) in the most important slot (but remember our caregivers may remain key attachment figures throughout our lives)³. Rose, mentioned in my Happily Attached Forever blog, has gained a secure attachment with her fiancé Aaron. I asked her to rank her attachment figures based on importance. 

    “This is the first time in my life I could actually list a personal relationship BEFORE my immediate family. I would rank it as the following. Aaron is definitely first—and he will be for the rest of my life. My immediate family (parents and siblings) follow right after him. They all know me at a great depth, especially my oldest sister Allyson. My close friends come right after my family. I want good things for them and they’re on my mind a lot. I rejoice in my friends’ highs and share in their lows. I actually think troubles in friendships are my highest level of self-inflicted stress—if I feel some sort of conflict with a friend of mine, I’ll just stress over it until it is solved.” 

    Though we can gain a secure attachment through our relationships, it is important to remember that for this to occur our attachment figure needs to have or be working towards a secure attachment¹. This requires a high amount of intentionality when determining who we should form relationships with⁴. We cannot gain a secure attachment if we are in relationships with only insecurely attached individuals¹. We must also be intentional about our own behavior in our relationships⁴. We should work on pursuing healthy behaviors such as slowly trusting our partner more and gaining a healthy amount of intimacy⁴. We are active agents in this change as well. We cannot just rely on our securely attached partner to make this change occur. I asked Rose what she did to gain a secure attachment with Aaron. 

    “To gain a secure attachment with Aaron, I had to determine if I could trust him. I think the biggest milestone for me was actually sharing some unfortunate truths about myself with him. Sharing the worst things about myself with Aaron and realizing that they didn’t push him away gave me great confidence in our relationship. He didn’t reject me at my worst, and that removed a lot of uncertainty from our relationship”. 

    As well as seeking relationships with secure individuals we can apply the reflections we have been making throughout these blogs to redefine our identity⁴. We have to believe that we are worthy and capable of a secure attachment. An important aspect that allows us to redefine our identity is removing any victim mentality that we may have from our childhood relationships. This is not an easy task that occurs overnight but there are multiple resources that we can use such as therapy, self-help books, or revisiting our past relationships to make amends⁴. Everyone is capable of achieving a secure attachment style if they reflect on their own relationships and characteristics and are willing to make changes. The most impactful ways that we can gain a secure attachment is through engaging in healthy secure relationships, being intentional, and redefining our identity. These behaviors will require conscious thought and reflection, but they are doable. We are in charge of our own attachment style, and it is up to us to pursue healthy and positive behaviors that will transform our relationships and life. 

 

¹Levine, A., & Heller R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. Penguin Group. 

²Rotner, J. (2020). HDFS 311: Family Relationships [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 311: https://ramct.colostate.edu/ 

³Keren, E., & Mayseless, O. (2013). The freedom to choose secure attachment relationships in adulthood. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 174(3), 271-290. doi: 10.1080/00221325.2012.681326 

⁴Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(3), 489-506. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Deciphering Attachment Style

    Imagine if I were to tell you that there was a way to transform your romantic relationships. A way to know what your partner wants in a relationship and explain their behavior. The ability to know the thoughts that you, and your partner, may not be comfortable discussing. Learning each other’s attachment style could help provide a total relationship transformation. In a previous blog, Exploring Adult Attachment, the AAI was discussed as a resource that can be used to help determine attachment. In this blog we will be looking at the Attached Compatibility Quiz to determine our own attachment style and our partners². Unlike the AAI, the Attached Compatibility Quiz asks about our current relationship instead of our history with our caregivers². This is a great resource to start exploring attachment styles within our relationships. 

    Knowing our partners attachment style is a useful way to gain a deeper understanding of their behavior, as well as a way to predict future behavior¹. In our relationships we act in predictable ways based on our attachment style. The authors of the book Attached, even go as far as saying that these predictable behaviors are predetermined. Our attachment style influences our views on physical and emotional intimacy, conflict management, communication skills, and overall desires in the relationship. As a result of the influence attachment has on these behaviors, we can make predictions based on our partner’s attachment style. We can predict that individuals with an avoidant attachment style want emotional closeness but have an even stronger desire to push their partner away and maintain their independence. We can also predict that individuals with an anxious attachment style may desire to be close to their partner, and when they are not this desire can consume them. As you can see, knowing our partners attachment style can help us explain and predict the behavior which will transform your relationship¹. For this blog I had Sophie complete the quiz and answer the reflection questions below. Sophie has been dating Tyler for the last year, but they have been long distance their entire relationship. 

1. What were your results from the attachment style survey? What did you decipher as your partners attachment style? 

My results showed that I was insecure avoidant. Tyler was secure. 

2. Where their any questions in the survey that you had a challenging time answering or sparked discussion? 

The first question that I thought was interesting was question 3, “An argument with my partner doesn’t usually cause me to question my relationship”². We haven’t really had many arguments in the past year that we have been dating. When we do have arguments, we have agreed to disagree or just flipped a coin. I always try to avoid arguments if necessary. 

The last question was “my independence is more important to me than my relationship”². I was not in a relationship for a very long time, so I figured out how to be independent before I figured out how to be in a relationship. It is weirder for me to be in a relationship than it is to be independent. 

3. How do you react when he infringes on your independence?

I do value being independent because, I know that as a future vet I will need to make my own decisions. I need to have confidence in my own decision and opinion. I have to decide where to go for vet school, and where to live. This decision has to be the best for me and no one else. When he does infringe on my independence it honestly is not that bad because, he is in Denver, so there is not much he can do. I sometimes keep things foggy and don’t share everything to maintain my independence. I do that with plans to stay independent and not hurt his feelings.

4. After reading the chapter in Attached¹ that explained your attachment style, were you surprised about any traits or characteristics that described your attachment style? Do you disagree with any of them? 

I somewhat agree with having deactivating strategies¹. With the potential to go to vet school out of the country I often wonder if I should continue trying to have a relationship with him. I also wonder if once I am in vet school if we should continue trying to make this relationship work. I also think about the age gap, and if he is in a different place in his life than I am in mine. 

I disagree that I don’t focus on small imperfections¹. I notice them but they do not impact my relationship decisions. The last thing that I agreed on that was mentioned in this chapter was avoiding emotional intimacy1. I do not say I love you. It is very hard and does not come naturally. 

5. How can/does knowing Tyler’s and your attachment styles impact your relationship? Can knowing this information help you improve your relationship? 

Honestly, I don’t think it does a lot. I think that even if we have different attachment styles, we still have a good relationship. I think especially with our attachment styles it is good that we are long distance. I think if I were around him every day it would be harder to get used too. Long distance allows me to maintain my independence. In the future I want to gain a secure attachment, but since my life is so up in the air I do not want to form a secure attachment with Tyler until after vet school. 

    Knowing our own and our partners attachment style is very powerful and can transform our relationship. Though Sophie does not plan on using the knowledge gained about her attachment style to immediately improve her relationship with Tyler, she was able to recognize multiple aspects in her life that are influenced by her attachment style. Influenced by Sophie’s reflection; I plan on transforming my future romantic relationships and friendships by acknowledging when my behavior is a result of my attachment system. I believe that acknowledging our attachment styles will provide us with more intimate and supportive relationships. 

¹Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. Penguin Group. 

²Levine, A., & Heller, R. S.F. (2018). Compatibility Quiz. Attached. Retrieved from https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/

Happily Attached Forever

    This weekend my roommates and I had a Disney movie marathon, mainly watching the Disney princess movies. During my childhood I was obsessed with Disney movies involving princesses. I had this fantasy in my head that when I was older my prince charming would come and dramatically change my life. I am not sure if other people can relate to this fantasy, but even if you did not dream of prince charming coming to your rescue you probably still had (or have) a dream romantic partner. I think that it is common for us to long for romantic partners that will transform our lives and provide opportunities that would otherwise not be available. One theme that I noticed in these princess movies is that prince charming offered an increased sense of security that was lacking before the princess had met him. Reflecting on that idea, I was curious about if, regardless of our own attachment histories, we are drawn to securely attached individuals. 

    To explore this topic further I interviewed my roommate Rose about her relationship with her fiancé Aaron. Rose reported that with her parents she believes that she has an insecure attachment but with Aaron she experiences a very secure attachment. 

    "My relationship with Aaron is very secure. I have no doubts about him. He feels like family, I can go to him in any moment of need and tell him any struggles that I have. I don’t have this same level of security with my parents, I have spent so much time trying to appease my mother. My mom is pretty overbearing especially when I was a teenager. She is very opinionated, critical, and controlling." 

    Researchers have found that we do prefer partners that are secure in their attachment style when we are dating¹. This idea is referred to as the attachment security hypothesis. These researchers completed an experiment that I found to be interesting. College-aged students were told to read imaginary relationship scenarios that represented one of the four attachment types: secure, anxious, avoidant or disorganized. They were then asked to rank the imaginary scenarios based on their initial reaction and emotions felt. I found it interesting that the scenarios with a secure attachment style represented were always ranked first and rated more positively regardless of the participant’s own attachment style. It is crazy that with insecure attachment styles, “like does not typically attract like.” This is even true in relationships between two individuals with insecure attachments! It is more likely that one couple will have an anxious attachment style and the other partner will have an avoidant attachment style. It is less that in long-term dating relationships two people with the same attachment styles are together, and the only exception is two securely attached individuals¹. Rose believes that in her relationship with Aaron, different attachment styles and personalities definitely attracted and brought them together. 

    "My relationship with Aaron has just been something I never thought I would have experienced. He is perfect and patient in so many ways. For example, when we have conflict, he knows how I deal with conflict, and that I have a lot of trouble thinking through the issue and what I want to say. He is very patient and silent as he waits for me to talk. He knows that it will take a couple minutes for me to figure it out. He just is so perfect and the opposite of what I experienced in childhood with my parents." 

    Even if you never dreamed of prince charming coming to your rescue, relationships with securely attached individuals can have the same effects as Prince Charming, by increasing the security in our attachment experiences. These relationships can be with both romantic partners and friends. Rose’s relationship with Aaron shows how powerful human connection is and the growth we can experience within a healthy and secure relationship. I have learned that maybe it is worth pursuing a romantic partner that is different than what I would have expected. After all, opposites may attract. 

¹Chappell, K. D., & Davies, K. E. (1998). Attachment, partner choice, and perception of romantic partners: An experimental test of the attachment‐security hypothesis. Personal Relationships,5, 327-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.1998.tb00175.x

Am I Attached to TV Characters?

    It’s time to kick back, relax, grab a drink, and some popcorn; it’s time to discuss television. The majority of people have a favorite movie or TV show that instantly captures their attention. We become invested in the fictional characters lives, we celebrate their accomplishments, feel their pain, and laugh when they laugh. We are rooting for them from our couch. It has been shown that in times of stress or when we need a break, we often turn on the TV to escape from reality¹. Our brain, according to one research study, has not evolved enough to determine the difference between fiction and reality while watching media. In addition, research has shown that attachment style can impact our engagement with TV shows and movies¹. 

    Insecure attachment is characterized by challenges in getting our needs met in relationships¹. Although, media is often used by people to avoid and forget about life situations, this trend may be magnified when we have an insecure attachment. When we are struggling with real-life relationships or a sense of attachment security, we may choose TV shows to fulfill our relationship needs and desires or confirm our desired view of ourselves. We may be able to live vicariously through our favorite characters¹. To gain a better understanding, I talked with a friend about her media usage. 

    “I often joke around about how I shouldn’t be able to watch TV because I get way to involved in plot and the characters. I can’t separate myself from them. Romantic movies especially give me such joy and happiness seeing the plot play out and the characters finding true love at the end. I watch these movies and just think why can’t that be me. I get consumed by series and often rewatch my favorite ones multiple times” 

     This heightened intimacy we can feel towards a character in the media may be because they are safe and predictable, unlike people in real-life². I have personally found that as I become more invested in a TV show, I can begin to predict their actions and feelings. It makes me wonder if perhaps these characters then may become a representative attachment figures fulfilling desires for relationships predictability in my real life². 

     Individuals who identify with an insecure attachment are more likely experience conflict in relationships and negative emotions concerning self-esteem, and acceptance leading to loneliness and a lack of belonging². As humans, when we have a high sense of loneliness and need for belonging, we may assign human characteristics to inanimate objects or media figures to fulfill these needs. Individuals high on loneliness and a need for belonging were more likely to experience a deeper intimacy and emotional connection with their favorite TV character². 

     Overall, it is normal for an individual to become engaged in their favorite TV show as a way to escape their daily stress. It is important for us to practice mindfulness when concerning our own habits as we are in a society that is surrounded by media. We should strive to find a good balance between being present in our everyday relationships and rooting for our favorite TV characters. 

¹Silver, N., & Slater, M. D. (2019). A safe space for self-expansion: Attachment and motivation to engage and interact with the story world. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36, 3492-3514. doi: 10.1177/0265407519826345.

²Greenwood, D. N., & Long, C. R. (2011). Attachment, belongingness needs, and relationship status predict imagined intimacy with media figures. Communication Research, 38(2), 278-297. doi: 10.1177/0093650210362687.

Exploring Adult Attachment

    In this blog we are traveling back to the basics, finding our attachment style. In order to understand the impact that our attachment style has on our relationships in emerging adulthood, we must have a clear and accurate understanding of where we started in childhood. The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) is a well-researched interview that focuses on memories regarding caregivers¹. Individuals who complete this interview are asked to recall memories from their past and evaluate them as an adult. The overall process results in a summary of their relationship with caregivers, memories they can recall, and a personal reflection. The interview is then scored based on the parent relationship and depth of individual answers. If we are interested in exploring our relationships with caregivers, this is a great starting point, but it is important to remember that scoring of this interview requires training¹. For this blog I asked a very courageous friend to complete the Adult Attachment Interview, and then answer the following reflection questions as a follow up interview.

1. What was your biggest take away from this reflection?  
1. I didn’t know this until I started answering your questions, but I disassociate with my early childhood. I view all the negative memories as a dream or memories that aren’t really a part of my life. The good memories are stored in a different part of my brain I think because I like to mull over them and they’re like pictures in my brain. I don’t want to make it sound traumatic since so many people have been through way, way worse. I usually only remember the times when I felt really good and nurtured, and there were a lot of those memories too. 
2. Upon the completion of the AAI what impact, if any, do you believe your parents have on your current relationships, romantic and friendships?
1.  Now I think that they have had a positive impact. I now have learned how to deal with conflict. I don’t typically shy away from it. With romantic relationships I am very slow to open up and share intimacy. With friendships I am faster to open up. 
3.  You mentioned in your AAI that your relationship with your mom was very turbulent. How do you think that has shaped your Internal Working Model (IWM) on relationships? 
1.  My mom displayed a lot of outbursts of love or anger. Because of this, I am really independent when it comes to certain things. On the flip side I take so much responsibility. I usually hold myself accountable for other people’s behavior and how they react to me. Even when I say something nicely or put up boundaries, if I feel like people are going to get angry with me, I let that manipulate my behavior. I alter the way I act or respond to things accordingly.
4. What characteristics and patterns do you typically notice concerning communication, intimacy, feeling of rejection, etc. in romantic and person relationships? 
1.  I think romantically it’s pretty easy for me to answer. I am very closed off and this draws back to my world view growing up. I wanted to wait for the best person for me. On the other hand, even when I don’t want to commit, I still want attention. I am more comfortable with a close friendship with a guy where he meets those needs without going too far. In friendships this is hard, I do fear rejection, but I am only open to certain rejection. I feel like I can handle people’s rejection of certain parts of me. There are some parts of me that are to personal to allow rejection. I hide my true feelings when it comes down to it. I hide the real me. When I feel that people have wounded the real me, I cut them off with no remorse.
5. What are some areas of growth that you have noticed in your life since childhood in the areas of emotional regulation? 
1.  During my childhood, I withdrew and I kept a lot of secrets. I had a lot of emotional outbursts, but I could also hold a mean grudge. Physically I would overreact and hit or yell at my siblings. But seeing how hurt they were by that always made me feel so awful that I would never do the same thing again. I only remember being violent a few times as a kid. From ages 3-7 I sometimes wouldn’t talk so long that nothing would come out even when I tried to. I was pretty emotional. An area of growth includes wanting to fix my problems instead of withdrawing until I get angry enough that I blow up. I have grown in finding balance and sharing my feelings before I get angry or refusing to tell people how I feel. 

    I don’t know about you, but hearing this is powerful. My friend’s reflections make me want to be more self-aware about how my childhood attachment patterns are affecting me now. Although it is important to remember that the AAI interview requires intensive training to be qualified in assessing the results, it is still a good starting point in exploring adult attachment. My friend found the AAI very beneficial and said it helped her explore the relationship that she had with her parents. 

  ¹Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & Van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1993). A psychometric study of the Adult Attachment Interview: Reliability and discriminant validity. Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 870–879. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.29.5.870

Attachment and Playing Hard to Get

    As seen throughout these blog posts, our childhood attachment heavily influences our dating interactions in emerging adulthood. A goal that some emerging adults may have is exploring romantic interests through casual or serious dating. Throughout college I have been exploring my romantic interests and sometimes it just seems that despite the amount of effort that I put into these relationships, something that my partner or I do just destines the relationship to end. There is usually a miscommunication about what we want in the relationship or our dating strategies don’t align. This sparked my interest in determining if attachment impacts how we seek out mates, our dating strategy, and the longevity of our relationships. 

    The dating strategy that I was interested in seeing if attachment had an impact on was playing hard to get. Researchers defined playing hard to get as “restricting displays of interest in potential partners, making oneself appear desirable and eliciting others’ pursuits”¹. Individuals may use hard to get as a dating strategy in order to determine if their romantic needs will be met without risking the commitment of a romantic relationship. Basically, playing hard to get allows someone to test the commitment of their partner, feel desired, and determine if there is romantic interest. When an individual is using hard to get as a dating strategy it is typically to pursue a short-term relationship¹. For this blog post I interviewed Aidan who self-reported frequently using hard to get when dating, as well as pursing people who use this dating strategy. 

    “In the past I can admit that I frequently played hard to get and have flirted with multiple women at a time to gauge their interest and if I felt desired. I used this strategy because I had a hard time choosing and ignoring all of the amazing women in my life that I was potentially interested in dating. I think that it makes dating interesting and more fun. Once I determine that one person is better than the rest, I do end the relationships with the others and pursue just one person. Despite the intensive effort I put into my relationship though they are typically short term and I usually end them even though I desire a long-term relationship.” 

    Our attachment styles can determine the goals that we have in our relationships and how we respond to our partner’s goals¹. Of course, we all want to find a balance between seeking intimacy in our relationships and avoiding rejection. We do not like being rejected by individuals we have developed feelings for. I have seen this occur in multiple of my own, and my friends past relationships. Those of us who are insecure avoidant in our attachment avoid rejection by pursuing short-term relationships that do not include emotional intimacy¹. When we are insecure anxious in our attachment, we are more likely to prefer long-term relationships that are high in emotional intimacy even though we experience frequent fears of rejection and abandonment¹. 

    Thus, it is more common for someone who is more insecure avoidant to use the hard-to-get strategy¹. This dating strategy allows them to feel more in control of the emotional closeness in the relationship and the progression of the relationship. Interestingly, people that identify with an insecure anxious attachment style are more likely to pursue individuals that use this dating strategy. In a paradoxical way, this may occur because it reinforces their attachment style. It reinforces that partners may not always be available to meet their needs¹. (Crazy, right?) Aidan reported this in his own dating relationship, that he is often attracted partners that are the opposite of him. 

    “I have noticed in my dating relationships that I often attract opposites. I am a very confident and independent person. I do not rely heavily on others. I feel that I always attract people who have the opposite personality as me. They are typically very quiet and not confident in themselves.” 

    Aidan reported at the end of his interview that though he used this dating strategy previously he has experienced a lot of growth and no longer uses hard to get to attract potential partners. He now focuses on emotional intimacy and open communication in relationships while letting the relationship progress naturally instead of controlling all aspects of the relationship. Aidan serves to show that though we are influenced by our attachment style in childhood, we can take steps to improve our dating relationships in emerging adulthood. Reflecting on what I have learned from Aidan and my previous relationships I have realized that emotional intimacy is something that I value, and I need to focus on finding potential partners that value emotional intimacy at an equal level. 

¹Bowen, J. D., & Gillath, O. (2020). Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style. Science Direct, 162. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.109997

Conflict in Relationships

 

        The dreaded inevitable has come, the first fight between your significant other and you. The loving look that was just on your partner’s face is now momentarily replaced with anger. It can be a small tiff about where to eat for dinner or an issue that’s much deeper in intensity. 

          Regardless of the disagreement, attachment style can predict how we respond and handle conflict. When someone with an insecure attachment style experiences stress, their body has an elevated response compared to someone with a secure attachment style ¹. When exposed to stress everyone releases cortisol, a stress hormone, but individuals that are insecurely attached typically release an elevated amount. Cortisol causes our bodies to go into fight or flight mode, signaling the body to increase heart rate and blood pressure ¹. 

         So why is this? Researchers think that this is due our internal working models ². An internal working model is how we view others and ourselves. Similar to attachment, this model is heavily impacted by our caregiver’s response to our distress during childhood ². Their reaction can be internalized through our working model and influence the emotional distress we feel during conflict. For example, if our caregiver was warm and reassuring most of the time, we are more likely to have internalized that people are trustworthy and that we are capable of handling stress. The reverse is seen as well, if our caregiver was not warm or responsive it may lead to an internalized message that people are not trustworthy and conflict should be avoided ². I found this very interesting and asked my friend Sophie if she believed that her parents influenced how she currently handles conflict.

        “I think that the way I handled conflict with my mom probably has an impact. When I argued with my mom it always started with a small thing and then the argument turned into a cyclone where all of the things that my mom was slightly annoyed with at the moment were mentioned. I don’t bring things up that I know will cause conflict because I was under the impression that small arguments would always turn into a bigger argument. I only initiate conflict if it is a big issue and I know how the person responds to conflict.” 

        Research has shown that each attachment style typically has a different response to conflict ². Securely attached individuals are shown to have better conflict resolution and coping mechanisms. They are more likely to share their issues in a constructive manner and believe that even during conflict their partner will still support them. Individuals with an anxious attachment, according to research, avoid conflict for fear that their partner will reject or leave them if a disagreement occurs. Lastly, individuals with an avoidant attachment are more likely to remove themselves from conflict and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves ². Sophie reports having an avoidant attachment style and agrees that she withdrawals during conflict and avoids it if possible. 

        “The way I deal with conflict is to try to avoid it. When I was little and had conflict with my brother or mom, I would literally run away from it and hide under my bed. When I do have to deal with conflict, I try to just stay on one topic and follow the other persons lead. During conflict I do not typically share things [feelings or thoughts] with others without being prompted. I like to keep my emotions very internal. If it’s not something that is really going to bother me, I don’t see a reason to discuss it and therefore I don’t talk about it. My boyfriend and I have topics that are off-limits, such as politics, to avoid disagreements. When we do have disagreements, we usually flip a coin to determine what we should do.” 

        Becoming aware of how we typically respond to is the first step to improving relationships, both romantic and personal. The next step is to take a risk and share that awareness with the people we are close to and in conflict with. 

1 Powers, S. I., Pietromonaco, P. R., Gunlicks, M., & Sayer. A. (2006). Dating couples’ attachment styles and patterns of cortisol reactivity and recovery in response to relationship conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (90), 613-628. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.90.4.613 

2 Creasey, G., & Hesson-McInnis, M. (2001). Affective responses, cognitive appraisals, and conflict tactics in late adolescents’ romantic relationships: Associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48(1), 85-96. doi: 10.1037//0022-O167.48.1.85

Redemptive Attachment

    At some point in most of our lives, we explore our personal beliefs independently from what our caregivers taught us. We form opinions on religion, education, politics, and even our favorite food group. Among these beliefs formed, some of us can find a source of attachment that can supplement the one formed between our caregivers religion ¹. While the idea that attachment can be formed with a supreme deity may seem weird initially, a closer look reveals that many attachment behaviors are met proximity maintenance, safe haven, and secure base. Proximity maintenance occurs when we want to stay close to our attachment figure ². Proximity maintenance with individuals that have an attachment with God occurs through prayer ¹. Safe haven is when we reach out to our attachment figure during moments of stress and uncertainty ². During moments of intense stress individuals with this attachment often turn to God for comfort ¹. The last attachment behavior is a secure base. Individuals can use attachment figures as a base when exploring their environment, this can allow individuals to gain confidence in exploring their environment. Researchers have found that individuals can gain confidence knowing God is with them, a secure base ¹. Some people that are involved in a faith tradition may utilize God as an attachment figure. 

     To get a perspective on this topic I interviewed my roommate Jen about her attachment with her mother and her relationship with God through her religion. Jen has determined that she has an insecure-anxious attachment with her mother and so God fills the gap: 

    “God has served as a secure attachment figure in my life. That is where I go when I struggle    with anything, over friends and family. I can run straight to God. I know that for my personal relationship with God, he is the center of my life. I start every day with asking him to be present in my life while I make decisions. I have always grown up in the church and it was in third grade that I became personal with God. While most young children had imaginary friends, I had God serving to provide me comfort and stability when I was stressed or worried since neither of my parents were very involved in my daily life.”

    For Jen, her relationship with God has provided a way to gain a secure attachment that she could not from her mother. Researchers have found that individuals with a secure attachment to God was reported to decreased depressive symptoms and increased life satisfaction ¹. I find it fascinating that even though no “human” interaction has occurred, individuals who have a relationship with God can be transformed in their attachment experience. Relatedly, religious individuals are shown to have an increase in self-compassion ¹. They become more confident and more likely to show compassion to themselves instead of focusing on their insecurities or failures ¹. Jen described this increase in self compassion through a story of a kid breaking a bowl. Jen can receive the forgiveness and support from God that she cannot receive from her mom. 

    “An example that I use is when a kid breaks a bowl. They go to their parents to ask for help and to receive support. I have never had that with my mom. But with God it is written in scripture that he does love automatically. It’s indescribable. I know there is a love that I’ve never felt and a caring attitude. I can mess up so much in my life but all I have to do it talk to God and I feel safety.” 

     Jen shows that her belief system has had a major impact on her sense of attachment security. From looking into the research and talking to Jen, my take- away is that people can use divine figures at attachment figures- not just other humans. Given that we do not get to choose out earliest caregivers and family members, this gives us other options for attachment security. 

¹ Homan, K. J. (2014). A mediation model linking attachment to God, self-compassion, and mental health. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 17(10), 977-989. doi: 10.1080/13674676.2014.984163 

² Rotner, J. (2019). HDFS 334: Theory of Parent-Child Relationships [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 334: https://ramct.colostate.edu/

Is Divorce Inevitable?

We have all heard the statistic—“nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce,” (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). While recent research shows that this is slowly going down, it is still appalling to those of us who have always felt called to marriage.  Divorce is a devastating thing, and it hurts everyone involved. If you or someone you know has experienced the effects of parental divorce, my heart goes out to you.  Truly this must be one of the most difficult things that a person—especially a child—can go through in their lifetime.

The impact of such an event in a person’s life is nearly always monumental.  It affects so many different areas, but the one that often gets the most attention is how it affects a person’s romantic relationships and their attachment style later in life. There are several existing hypotheses that suggest a child of parental divorce is far less likely to form secure attachments to their romantic partners. However, I have found this claim to be based more on anecdotal evidence than on actual scientific discovery. 

In a study by Fraley and Heffernan (2013), results suggested that parental divorce may have “selective effects” on attachment-building, but that it is more likely for this to manifest in insecure representations of one of their parents rather than in their romantic relationships; their mistrust could for one of their parents rather than their romantic partner. I discussed this topic with my future mother-in-law whose parents divorced while she was in junior high.   

“While I was a child, I had a very skewed view of marriage. I basically developed a bad taste in my mouth for men in general.... It was very challenging emotionally. I lived with my mom for most of it, then went through a rebellious phase where I didn’t want to live with her so moved in with my dad, but that only lasted a few months… he was hardly ever around.”

        

         One of the factors that Fraley and Heffernan (2013) suggest to be the most influential is whether children end up living with their father or mother after the divorce.  If the child stays with the mother, insecure representations of men and fathers often form; on the other hand, if the child stays with the father, the same typically happens for women and mothers (Fraley & Heffernan, 2013).  My (soon-to-be) mother-in-law’s experience is no exception to this.

         “There were a few years where I said, ‘Naw—I’m never getting married!’…Before I met [my husband] I have to admit I went through a phase where I was always trying to find approval in men, and my relationships with them were not the healthiest.”

         By this time in her life, she might have fit the stereotype of a child of divorce inhibited from building secure romantic relationships. However, this is not how everything turned out. The results from Fraley and Heffernan’s (2013) study suggest that the “association between parental divorce and insecurity in romantic relationships is relatively small,” and that this is likely due to individual’s implementation of mechanisms to avoid their parents’ mistakes.

         “With [my husband], we never wanted to make our kids go through what we went through if possible, so my mentality shifted to trying to make our marriage the best it could be and taking that commitment to a whole other level… I treat it as a gift—as something that I want to bring glory to God, that others might see and desire to have.”

         She and her husband—both children of divorce—have been happily married for nearly thirty years now.

Clearly, experiencing divorce as a child does not determine the fate of a person’s marriage, but then what is the key to ensuring your marriage doesn’t end up as your parents’ did? My belief is that it’s learning: learning from couples who show you a strong and healthy relationship and learning how to save the good parts of your parents’ relationship while learning how to avoid the areas that were weaker.  Or perhaps you grew up with amazing family relationships and your parents were always together? Then maybe it’s about learning from their strengths and how they embraced the joys and challenges of marriage; always remembering to never take for granted the example that they gave you. The success of our relationships is not bound by the fate of our parents’, but rather the effort that we put into them.  Marriage takes hard work; it requires for you to wake up each day ready to sacrifice for your spouse and choose to love them—in sickness and in health.

References:

Fraley, R. C., & Heffernan, M. E. (2013). Attachment and Parental Divorce: A Test of the     Diffusion and Sensitive Period Hypotheses. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,    39(9), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213491503

Raley, R. K. & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, repartnering, and stepfamilies: A decade in          review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81-99. https:doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jomf.12651

Jealous Much?

When I find myself stumbling into a new relationship, or even in the not-so-long-long-term relationships I’ve had, I realize that it is so easy for me to become jealous. I also find that it is usually pretty easy to make my partners jealous when I feel like I am not getting the attention I deserve (this is probably very unhealthy, so please don’t follow my lead). I tell myself over and over to not be jealous, but it always seems to be something that as hard as I try, I can’t seem to block that emotion out. I’ve always thought a reasonable amount of jealousy is healthy, because then the person I am with knows I care about them—and vise versa. But, why do some people get more jealous than others? What is the reason behind it?

I thought it would be interesting to see if certain attachment styles were associated with different levels of jealousy. As discussed in previous posts, there are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that everyone typically experiences. However, securely attached people tend to report that it does not get in the way of their everyday lives with their partner or affect them as much as insecurely attached people (Güçlü et.al, 2017). I personally find comfort in knowing that feeling jealous with a partner is normal and even people who are secure in their relationships experience jealousy.

Research shows that different attachment styles show jealousy in relationships in different ways. Although insecure-avoidant people tend to come across as uncaring, or indifferent about relationships, they also experience jealousy. Research shows that typically when an insecure-avoidant person becomes jealous, they will often use coping strategies like denial to avoid jealous feelings in a relationship (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can come across as dismissive and even heartless to a partner. Insecure-anxious people on the other hand deal with jealousy in a more aggressive way. Insecure-anxious people tend to express jealousy with things like anger, intrusiveness, and control over partner’s behaviors (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can push a partner away and damage trust between a couple.

I asked one of my friends who identifies as having an insecure-anxious type of attachment if there were any times that she let her jealousy get the best of her and this is how she responded:

            “When I was in early college, I was really jealous of a girl who was friends with my then-boyfriend. I would always ask him about her and get angry and tell him I didn’t believe him when he told me she was just a friend. I would always get into my own head and I would stalk them both on social media searching for something that really, I was just making up in my head. My jealousy (along with many other factors and toxic things in our relationship) ultimately led to our relationship ending.”

Although this may sound extreme to some people and it may be hard for us to understand how someone could become so jealous, knowing that certain attachment styles may lead us to act in certain ways when we are jealous can offer some comfort.

So, what should we do when we feel that pang of jealousy? Start by normalizing your own jealousy, as well as your partner’s—recognize that this is just a part of life! Next, take a deep breath and resist the urge to attack, withdraw, or punish. Try to be open with your partner about how you’re feeling, even if it makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you’re in a long-term relationship and have some doubts, ask your partner for reassurance in a calm manner, without demanding it.

Next time you find yourself responding to feelings of jealousy in ways that you feel like you normally wouldn’t, take a step back and use the time to reflect on how your attachment may influence your choices. We aren’t crazy, we’re only human.

Güçlü, O., Şenormancı, Ö., Şenormancı, G., & Köktürk, F. (2017). Gender differences in romantic jealousy and attachment styles. Psychiatry and Clinical Psychopharmacology, 27(4), 359–365. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/24750573.2017.1367554

Swiping Right: The Use of Dating Apps in the World Today

Today, more than ever before, almost anything we could want is at our fingertips. And potential partners are no exception. Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, and other online dating apps are becoming more popular, and perhaps you’ve even used one of these apps to meet someone. But who benefits the most from online dating apps, and what are the outcomes of using them? Should we all use our phones to find dating partners?

What kind of people use dating apps?

The reason I’ve never downloaded Tinder or another dating app is because I know I would feel extremely self-conscious about other people deciding if they liked me based on my appearance alone. I also know I have some anxious attachment tendencies, and asking someone I met online to constantly reassure me may not be the best thing for either of us. I recognize that perhaps my personality is not suited for online dating, and I think a bit of self-exploration might be helpful for anyone contemplating online dating apps. My close friend told me about why she has personally enjoyed in-person interactions more:

“... there is already an expectation when you meet someone who is using a dating app, whereas the suspense of not knowing if another person reciprocates feelings is more exciting for me”.

But, some people have no qualms about online dating, and may not be bothered by interactions that can sometimes feel a tad shallow; they may even be looking for the simplicity of casual, appearance-based relationships. One study found that people who are high in relationship anxiety and low in sexual permissiveness (ie, how open they are to having sex with others) were less likely to use dating apps (Sumter & Vandenbosch, 2019). The authors also point out that someone’s identity and motivations will contribute to their use of dating apps. If someone expects to have low commitment in their experiences and wants to only meet up with others who find them mutually attractive, they will probably find a lot more success! Having realistic expectations about the results of dating apps, just like in any other aspect of life, will be beneficial for us.

What are the outcomes of using dating apps?

Rosenfield (2018) ultimately found that online dating apps were only having a modest effect on their users’ lives, contrary to many researchers who claim shallow and unstable relationships form through online dating. It turns out that there are two sides to every story, and there are some positive outcomes as well. Good news: people who start dating through online apps are no more likely to break up than people who meet in person! (Rosenfield, 2018). Couples are actually likely to get married faster if they started their relationship using dating apps. This is likely because people have a greater selection online than in person, and are possibly better matched. My close friend agrees:

“Dating apps provide an unprecedented reach to other individuals who are searching for a partner which is a major difference between finding a date in person versus dating apps”.
So if you turn forty someday and are unmarried but desperately want to be, there may be some forty-somethings out there online who are perfect for you!

At the end of the day, it seems to me that the success or end result of any dating interaction, online or in person, is up to us. My close friend points out that,

“People are judged on their appearance and snippets of their personality in a couple pictures and sentences...However, that being said, many in-person interactions are shallow as well. We can judge others in person with those same principles”.

It’s up to us to decide what kind of interactions we want, and to be honest with ourselves and with the people we date!


Sources

Rosenfeld, M. (2018). Are Tinder and dating apps changing dating and mating in the USA? In J. Van
Hook, S. M. McHale, & V. King (Eds.), Families and technology. (Vol. 9, pp. 103–117). Springer Nature Switzerland AG. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/978-3-319-95540-7_6

Sumter, S. R., & Vandenbosch, L. (2019). Dating gone mobile: Demographic and personality-based
correlates of using smartphone-based dating applications among emerging adults. New Media & Society, 21(3), 655–673. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/1461444818804773

Making the Decision to Move in Together

I’d like to continue the discussion of a topic we began in past blog posts: Cohabitation. Deciding to live with your romantic partner is a huge decision, and one that a lot of us in emerging adulthood might face. We ask questions like, “Are we ready to make this step?” and “What kind of roommate will they be?” and even sometimes “What will my parents think?” (that’s a big one for me). We’re afraid that moving in together for the wrong reasons might ruin the relationship. So what does the research say about reasons for cohabitation?

Spending Time Together

One reason I’ve often heard when talking to friends is that they were basically already living with their significant other, and so it just made sense to move in so they could spend more time together. From an attachment point of view, you have successfully created an attachment bond with your partner and find feelings of peace, safety and security together (Zayas et al., 2015). No wonder you enjoy being together! My close family member relates to this:

“My partner and I decided to move in together because we were previously living separately and yet spending most of our time together in either one of our apartments. It made sense financially to pick one place that we would both be in all the time, rather than each of us only using our respective homes some of the time” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).

And the research supports this decision. Both Tang et al. (2014) and Rhoades et al. (2009) found that when couples listed spending time together or convenience as their reason for cohabitation, their relationship satisfaction was higher. So maybe if your romantic partner is your best friend and you cannot get enough of being together, moving in might be a way to make your connection even stronger!

“Testing” the Relationship

I have also heard friends discuss how they moved in with their partner so they could “test” their relationship by sharing living situations. I put this in quotation marks because this word often has a negative connotation, but truly, making sure your partner is someone you can live with is probably a good idea, especially if your intention is long-term cohabitation or marriage! People who are more anxiously attached may also have this reason as a higher priority, most likely because they have more relationship doubts that they want to reassure (Rhoades et al., 2009).

The two articles mentioned earlier (Tang et al., 2014, Rhoades et al., 2009) also found that when couples listed their reason for living together as testing the relationship, their relationship satisfaction is lower. Findings included increased negative communication, lower commitment, and higher levels of attachment insecurity, depression and anxiety. What this research suggests for me is that if we have higher expectations for the relationship with our significant other in comparison to a platonic roommate, we may come across more conflict. Although conflict can be uncomfortable and hard, it is possible to negotiate with your partner in a healthy way, and may improve your relationship satisfaction. This is what my family member had to say about approaching conflict with her partner and her consequent commitment to him: “We choose to talk through the difficult topics in hopes of cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. Right now, my goal is to be with him indefinitely” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).

Ultimately, it seems that couples move in together for a multitude of reasons, and often more than just one. No reason is bad; it is up to us to choose how we handle issues that will undoubtedly arise. I think that maybe approaching our decision with a little more optimism, a little less pessimism, and a whole lot of grace, will do us some good!


Sources

Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation:
Associations with individual well-being and relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues, 30(2), 233–258. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0192513X08324388

Tang, C.-Y., Curran, M., & Arroyo, A. (2014). Cohabitors’ reasons for living together,
satisfaction with sacrifices, and relationship quality. Marriage & Family Review, 50(7), 598–620. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/01494929.2014.938289

Zayas, V., Gunaydin, G., & Shoda, Y. (2015). From an unknown other to an attachment figure:
How do mental representations change as attachments form? In V. Zayas & C. Hazan (Eds.), Bases of adult attachment: Linking brain, mind, and behavior (pp. 168-176 only). New York, NY: Springer.

“Fear of Being Single”

As children, we develop certain fears that we often carry for the rest of our lives.  Maybe a traumatic experience on the swings when you were three years old set you up for a lifelong fear of heights.  Maybe a terrifying shadow that only appeared at night in your childhood bedroom is the reason that you still sleep with a nightlight. When I was young, I was never afraid of moths—I would catch them in my hands and I loved the way they tickled my fingers.  However, after a particular instance when a moth flew out of my bedsheets as I was crawling into bed one night—I’ll admit it—moths have brought me to tears….on multiple occasions.

It is clear that our childhoods can have a monumental impact on the fears that we take on later in life.  One of the most prominent may not be spiders or ghosts, however, but a fear of being single. 

We have all known at least one person who seems to always be in a relationship.  Maybe that person is you.  I interviewed one senior in college who reported the longest period of time that she has been single since 8^th grade being “three months.” If this sounds familiar, it can leave us wondering why people who are equally as beautiful, equally as smart, and equally as friendly can be completely unalike in this area. 

If you have been following this blog and read my last post about perpetual singlehood, you might be asking if there is also a connection to attachment theory for those who are constantly in a romantic relationship.  It may consequentially surprise you that these two population groups who appear to be total opposites, have actually been suggested to be “cut from the same cloth” as it were.  Research has suggested that those who are almost never single also tend to show anxious attachment—just like those who have always been single! (Spielmann, et al., 2013).

However, that is not all that research suggests. Some studies also link always being in a relationship to “settling for less” in those relationships (Spielmann et al., 2013).  Women with a fear of being single were more likely to show romantic interest in partners who were less responsive and less attractive than their counterparts (Spielmann et al., 2013). When I asked the same college senior if she could remember a time when she clearly settled in a relationship, she responded, “Ummm I mean, yeah.  Probably, I’d have to say all of them.” ….Then again, don’t we all feel that way about our exes?

If you find yourself in this position—seemingly always in a relationship or at least always looking for one—consider taking some “me” time. Being single can give you the opportunity to develop strong friendships, learn new things, travel to places you’ve never been, and truly get to know yourself more.  It is critical to have this time before getting married because it allows you to become the person that you want to be for your future spouse. 

Although research is inconclusive, there seems to exist a trend for rocky relationship histories to correlate in some way with our attachment patterns.  Just as we develop fears during our childhoods of heights, the dark, or terrifying and dusty winged insects, it seems that the attachment pattern that forms in our infancy can cultivate a very real “fear of being single.”  In my very non-professional opinion, exposure therapy may be the best remedy for all of the above.

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0034628  

Do Opposites Attract?

I am sure that at some point in time we have all heard the infamous phrase: “opposites attract.” It has been used to describe many things from the science of magnetism to explaining surprising matches in relationships between two people who we may never have expected to be together. I personally have found myself (a poster child for the average-looking human) attracted to people who I would describe as incredibly different than myself… something about those heavy metal, eye-liner wearing, jet-black dyed hair, pierced up men really gets to me, what can I say. So, is this phenomenon true? Do opposites really attract?

I decided to look into the studies of attachment style. There are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-anxious, and insecure-avoidant. Secure attachment is the type of attachment that we typically all strive for—these are the people who generally have the most success in relationships. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to have more issues in relationships due to insecurity. Anxious people have tendencies to jump straight to intimacy and overwhelm their partner, while avoidant people come across as uncaring and more into prospects of a sexual relationship rather than an intimate one (Zortea, Gray, & O’Connor, 2019). Many of us have likely experienced relationships where we had more anxious tendencies and others where we have leaned more on the avoidant side, but in general, we tend to identify with one over the other if we experience insecure attachment.

Research shows that everyone, regardless of their own attachment style, finds securely attached partners most attractive (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). But I was curious as to whether or not anxious people tend to end up with avoidant people (and vise-versa) or if insecurely attached people tended to end up with people who had the same attachment style as their own. Research conducted by Mikulincer and Shaver (2016) found that in many cases, people with an avoidant attachment wound up in actual dating relationships with anxiously attached people. The researchers speculated that this was because anxiously attached people take more initiative in starting relationships and avoidant people tend to passively accept the situation, rather than communicate their objections (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This would suggest that while opposites may not always attract, they may tend to find themselves in relationships together because of their differences.

A friend of mine explained that she had typically found herself being the anxious one in relationships and her partners always seemed to be avoidant. When I asked about how this happened, she explained:

“I typically am the one who initiates relationships and I tend to go for men who have a hard time opening up, so when they do open up it feels like a victory and makes our relationship feel stronger. But after a while, it feels like they typically pull away and it is a constant battle to maintain emotional intimacy.”

However, before you walk away from this thinking that you have to find the avoidant to your anxious or the anxious to your avoidant, research has also suggested that insecurely attached people tend to seek out people with their same attachment style. Anxious people do find themselves drawn to anxiously attached people and the same goes for avoidant seeking out avoidant—this is likely because people feel more validated in their feelings and actions when they are with someone who has the same tendencies as them (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

There is evidence that supports the idea that opposites attract, but understand that there is also evidence supporting that similar people end up together as well. So, if you find yourself drawn to someone and question how you ended up there, don’t overthink it, just lean in. Who knows, the love of your life may be someone you would have never expected.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 299-346). New York: Guilford Press.

Zortea, T. C., Gray, C. M., & O’Connor, R. C. (2019). Adult attachment: Investigating the factor structure of the Relationship Scales Questionnaire. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 75(12), 2169–2187. https://doi org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/jclp.22838

Do I Have to Put a Ring on It?

In our western society, there is a progression in relationships that many people tend to follow and watch unfold. Typically, a couple meets, begins dating, and eventually works their way up to cohabitating and then marriage. However, one question I have always wondered is why couples feel the need to get married if they are already in a relationship that involves the commitment of living together? I wanted to know what made people choose whether to cohabitate or marry because the two options seem so similar to me. Through digging further into this topic, I found that there are a number of factors that people consider when choosing cohabitation or marriage.

Cohabitating seems like a good idea, in fact, the research shows that 1 in 5 people are cohabitating before marriage (Blekesaune, 2016). We all have our own living habits and quirks that make us comfortable in our homes. Some may call my habit of placing trashcans in certain spots in my house “quirky” but I call it “efficient.” And while I think it is no big deal to keep a spotless bathroom mirror, my roommate prides herself in keeping our mirror spick-and-span. We all have that one thing. Another thing we are likely all guilty of is making sure to tidy up our home before people come over so we can make the best impression on our guests. You have to pretend like you don’t usually live with a pile of not-quite-dirty-not-quite-clean clothes on your chair, and empty water glasses laying around—that’s just how it goes. But, once we begin cohabitating with a significant other, our normal living habits begin to take over and we find out how our partners really live. Dividing up household labor becomes something couples must tackle which studies have shown is easier to do in marriages than in cohabitation (Blekesaune, 2016). This is because when couples are cohabitating, they are more likely to keep their independent roles and feel less inclined to divide up household roles without the life-long commitment.

It is important to look into how different attachment styles deal handle cohabitation and marriage as well. As we have talked about a lot in this blog, there are three main attachment styles: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-anxious. Although research has found that attachment style does not predict whether or not one person is more likely to cohabitate than another, it has found that people with anxious attachment styles are less likely to be satisfied and show affection in their relationships while cohabitating and while married (Kulik & Havusha-Morgenstern, 2011). Through this we can see that attachment can play a role in the satisfaction of a cohabitating or marital relationship, but it does not always predict whether a person will choose to cohabitate or get married. 

Research found that 90% of couples who were married decided to get married said love was the main reason, while only 73% of couples who were cohabitating said love was the main reason (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). There are many other reasons people cohabitate as well. A friend of mine who cohabitated in her previous relationship pointed out that she did it because it made sense financially. She said:

            “I was moving to a new state after graduating college and he came with me. He had a stable income at the time and I was just starting a new job, so I couldn’t have afforded my own place anyway. It just made sense in the end that we lived together to cut some costs.”

Is money really one of the biggest motivating factors in cohabitating? Research has shown that 38% of cohabitators agree that it was their number one reason for moving in together—this compares to only 13% of married couples saying they got married for financial reasons (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). I can understand this, because as an emerging adult who is close to entering the workforce, I will likely continue to have roommates out of college until I am financially stable enough to live on my own. Cohabitating with a partner is similar in this way financially.

Older generations are more likely to advocate for couples to get married if they are going to be cohabitating, while younger generations generally believe it is okay to cohabitate without the intention of marriage (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). Historically, it was rare for people to live together before they married one another. Even in today’s world, though, some young people still choose to marry without cohabitating first. I asked a friend of mine who recently got married without cohabitating what she thought one upside of cohabitating before marriage would be as well as what she believed the benefits of not cohabitating before marriage were, she responded:

“Cohabitating before marriage probably helps alleviate a lot of the early issues surrounding schedule, who does what chores, annoying habits, and just everything that comes from learning to live with someone else. But, with that said, not cohabitating kind of forces deeper communication earlier on, I think. If you have the attitude that you’re going to be married forever, but you don’t know what it’s like living with the other person, that’s a big inspiration to ask lots of questions beforehand, talk out potential issues, and just make sure there are as few surprises as possible.”

So, what is it that makes people choose cohabitation or marriage? People have many individual preferences as to whether they want to cohabitate or get married including considerations about love or finances. Either way, every relationship is different. It is up to the individuals to choose what is right for them, which in today’s world could mean marriage, cohabitation, or neither!

Blekesaune, M. (2018). Is Cohabitation as good as marriage for people’s subjective well-being? Longitudinal evidence on happiness and life satisfaction in the British household panel survey. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 505–520. https://doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9834-x

Horowitz, J. M. Graf, N. Livingston, G. (2019, Nov 6). Marriage and cohabitation in the US. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/

Kulik, L., & Havusha-Morgenstern, H. (2011). Does cohabitation matter? Differences in initial marital adjustment among women who cohabited and those who did not. Families in Society, 92(1), 120–127. https://doiorg.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1606/1044- 3894.4057