In our western society, there is a progression in
relationships that many people tend to follow and watch unfold. Typically, a
couple meets, begins dating, and eventually works their way up to cohabitating
and then marriage. However, one question I have always wondered is why couples
feel the need to get married if they are already in a relationship that
involves the commitment of living together? I wanted to know what made people
choose whether to cohabitate or marry because the two options seem so similar
to me. Through digging further into this topic, I found that there are a number
of factors that people consider when choosing cohabitation or marriage.
Cohabitating seems like a good idea, in fact, the
research shows that 1 in 5 people are cohabitating before marriage (Blekesaune,
2016). We all have our own living habits and quirks that make us comfortable in
our homes. Some may call my habit of placing trashcans in certain spots in my
house “quirky” but I call it “efficient.” And while I think it is no big deal
to keep a spotless bathroom mirror, my roommate prides herself in keeping our
mirror spick-and-span. We all have that one thing. Another thing we are
likely all guilty of is making sure to tidy up our home before people come over
so we can make the best impression on our guests. You have to pretend like you
don’t usually live with a pile of not-quite-dirty-not-quite-clean clothes on your
chair, and empty water glasses laying around—that’s just how it goes. But, once
we begin cohabitating with a significant other, our normal living habits begin
to take over and we find out how our partners really live. Dividing up
household labor becomes something couples must tackle which studies have shown
is easier to do in marriages than in cohabitation (Blekesaune, 2016). This is
because when couples are cohabitating, they are more likely to keep their
independent roles and feel less inclined to divide up household roles without
the life-long commitment.
It is important to look into how different attachment
styles deal handle cohabitation and marriage as well. As we have talked about a
lot in this blog, there are three main attachment styles: secure,
insecure-avoidant, and insecure-anxious. Although research has found that
attachment style does not predict whether or not one person is more likely to
cohabitate than another, it has found that people with anxious attachment
styles are less likely to be satisfied and show affection in their
relationships while cohabitating and while married (Kulik &
Havusha-Morgenstern, 2011). Through this we can see that attachment can play a
role in the satisfaction of a cohabitating or marital relationship, but it does
not always predict whether a person will choose to cohabitate or get
married.
Research found that 90% of couples who were married
decided to get married said love was the main reason, while only 73% of couples
who were cohabitating said love was the main reason (Horowitz, Graf, &
Livingston, 2019). There are many other reasons people cohabitate as well. A friend
of mine who cohabitated in her previous relationship pointed out that she did
it because it made sense financially. She said:
“I
was moving to a new state after graduating college and he came with me. He had
a stable income at the time and I was just starting a new job, so I couldn’t
have afforded my own place anyway. It just made sense in the end that we lived
together to cut some costs.”
Is money really one of the biggest motivating factors
in cohabitating? Research has shown that 38% of cohabitators agree that it was
their number one reason for moving in together—this compares to only 13% of
married couples saying they got married for financial reasons (Horowitz, Graf,
& Livingston, 2019). I can understand this, because as an emerging adult
who is close to entering the workforce, I will likely continue to have
roommates out of college until I am financially stable enough to live on my
own. Cohabitating with a partner is similar in this way financially.
Older generations are more likely to advocate for
couples to get married if they are going to be cohabitating, while younger
generations generally believe it is okay to cohabitate without the intention of
marriage (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). Historically, it was rare
for people to live together before they married one another. Even in today’s
world, though, some young people still choose to marry without cohabitating
first. I asked a friend of mine who recently got married without cohabitating
what she thought one upside of cohabitating before marriage would be as well as
what she believed the benefits of not cohabitating before marriage were, she
responded:
“Cohabitating before
marriage probably helps alleviate a lot of the early issues surrounding
schedule, who does what chores, annoying habits, and just everything that comes
from learning to live with someone else. But, with that said, not cohabitating
kind of forces deeper communication earlier on, I think. If you have the attitude
that you’re going to be married forever, but you don’t know what it’s like
living with the other person, that’s a big inspiration to ask lots of questions
beforehand, talk out potential issues, and just make sure there are as few
surprises as possible.”
So, what is it that makes people choose cohabitation
or marriage? People have many individual preferences as to whether they want to
cohabitate or get married including considerations about love or finances.
Either way, every relationship is different. It is up to the individuals to
choose what is right for them, which in today’s world could mean marriage,
cohabitation, or neither!
Blekesaune, M. (2018). Is Cohabitation as good as marriage
for people’s subjective well-being? Longitudinal
evidence on happiness and life satisfaction in the British household panel survey. Journal
of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 505–520. https://doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9834-x
Horowitz, J. M. Graf, N. Livingston, G. (2019, Nov 6).
Marriage and cohabitation in the US. Pew
Research Center. https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/
Kulik, L., & Havusha-Morgenstern, H. (2011). Does
cohabitation matter? Differences in initial marital
adjustment among women who cohabited and those who did not. Families in Society, 92(1),
120–127. https://doiorg.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1606/1044- 3894.4057
Hi Molly!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a very interesting blog and honestly something that is commonly discussed in the world today. I am in a situation that somewhat relates to this. I just got engaged and after my engagement we decided to move in together because both of our leases were up and we spend a lot of time together anyway. Therefore, our thought process was that we are already going to get married and plan to spend a lot of time together and on top of that if we signed another lease we would be married prior to that ending. So we assumed it would make the most sense to sign a lease together. I feel like many people that do live together prior to marriage or engagement may struggle with not only the factors you said but maybe the idea of commitment. I feel moving in together is a big move so if one breaksup with the person they are living with, it could potentially cause commitment issues down the road. But, if you know there is already a commitment such as marriage or engagement they it may be an exciting situation. Thank you so much for sharing your blog. -Bailee
Molly, this blog post was so intriguing. I felt that you really were able to fit a lot of good information into a short space. I really enjoyed your friend's comment on her experience with not cohabitating with her husband. I thought she was right that by not cohabitating her and her husband really had to communicate right away to make things work. When cohabitating there is always the option that if this doesn't work out I just will leave. But in my experience most people don't go into marriage with the stipulation that they can leave at any time, most people want it to work. I am planning on cohabitating with my significant other next year and I think I will try and build a solid foundation from the cohabitation so if we do marry we will still feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteExcellent topic. I have asked similar questions to myself, especially given that I'm from a "younger" generation. One thing that makes this idea confusing for me is that my parents got married very quickly but during their remarriages, took the time to cohabitate and pushed off marriage for 6-7 years! I feel like I can see the pros and cons to both, so it really will be up to me to decide what I feel is best. I think for me, cohabitation will definitely come first and marriage second, but who knows!
Great thoughts and research, thank you for putting your thoughts out here!
Hi Molly, I think that the blog post is something that is an interesting subject when it comes to relationships. I personally never truly cohabited with my partner, but I did have a time period where I was staying with him for 6 weeks. Within these 6 weeks, I really saw the true side of him and it showed me that we were not meant to be with each other. I think that cohabiting brings true value to a relationship even if the couple does not have the desire to get married. I believe that it truly tests one’s patients and how much they can handle sharing space. I personally enjoy my alone time and if my partner can’t respect that then I have an issue. I think that it is better to cohabit before marriage because just in case something happens it is just a break up rather than a divorce.
ReplyDeleteThis post is exactly what I needed right now. My partner and I have been together for just over a year, and I find myself really thinking about what the next steps of our relationship is going to look like. I try not to follow the social clock that we are socialized to live by at a young age, however, even I can't stop myself from wanting to take the bigger steps in our relationship. I asked my partner recently how she would feel about making the next step in our relationship and moving in. We are both graduating this year, and are beginning to plan out the next steps of our future, which just so land us in Fort Collins. The original plan was to live apart next year, but the more I thought about it, the more us moving in made sense. After reading this post, it's nice to see that there are benefits to moving in with someone. My partner isn't super big on marriage, and right now, I haven't really started thinking about it, so we are pretty settled in that department. Therefore, I think the next big step we could make in our relationship is to move-in, and just see what happens. If we sit here anxiously wondering what it's going to be like and don't actually try, we'll never know. However, if we just do it and see what happens, I genuinely believe everything is going to work out exactly as it was meant to.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog to be really interesting because these are aspects I never really considered in my own relationship. Thinking about it now, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. We met in high school so we had a lot of time to build our deep communication before we chose to cohabitate. When we decided to moved into an apartment together during our junior year of college, it was decision made on finances but also on love. We agreed that our love, trust, and commitment was so strong that it made sense to live together with saving money being one of the benefits. Personally, I think cohabiting before marriage allowed us to build routine and learn more about our likes and dislikes which I feel like will carry on once we get married.
Aloha! I’m also really interested in what motivates people who are already living together to get married. Also, my trashcans are placed “efficiently” around my home, to the confusion of some of my houseguests, but I know it works! I think money is definitely still an important reason influencing couples’ choices to live together. I think, besides love, this is a strong reason - economic security - that people choose to get married. Legally combining finances and debts can be really attractive to some people. It was really cool hearing from your friend who didn’t live with her partner before marriage. My partner and I live together now, but our relationship started while we were both living in different states and undergoing some major life transitions (it actually started in middle school, but we did our own life things for a decade in between that and reconnecting!). I think the distance helped us navigate and discuss a lot of the potential issues of committing to a relationship with each other, much like your friend did at the beginning of her marriage. Communication is so important to a functional relationship, however it starts, and whatever the living arrangements are.
ReplyDeleteWhen you talk about the question of cohabitation versus marriage it makes me think about the 2, going on 3 year relationship i am currently in, like many emerging adults, I’m in a phase where the relationship I am currently in is constantly changing. I am young and this is my first serious relationship. While I love him very much and could potentially see myself marrying him, the idea of marriage and cohabitation is very scary. The thought that cohabitation could be responsible as far as finance is great especially as someone who will be entering the workforce in the next two years. However, I also understand the importance of the deeper emotional commitments of marriage. Both options involve shared responsibilities and many positives and scary things that can come with it. One thing I know is that communication becomes key in both marriage and cohabitation.
ReplyDelete