Do I Have to Put a Ring on It?

In our western society, there is a progression in relationships that many people tend to follow and watch unfold. Typically, a couple meets, begins dating, and eventually works their way up to cohabitating and then marriage. However, one question I have always wondered is why couples feel the need to get married if they are already in a relationship that involves the commitment of living together? I wanted to know what made people choose whether to cohabitate or marry because the two options seem so similar to me. Through digging further into this topic, I found that there are a number of factors that people consider when choosing cohabitation or marriage.

Cohabitating seems like a good idea, in fact, the research shows that 1 in 5 people are cohabitating before marriage (Blekesaune, 2016). We all have our own living habits and quirks that make us comfortable in our homes. Some may call my habit of placing trashcans in certain spots in my house “quirky” but I call it “efficient.” And while I think it is no big deal to keep a spotless bathroom mirror, my roommate prides herself in keeping our mirror spick-and-span. We all have that one thing. Another thing we are likely all guilty of is making sure to tidy up our home before people come over so we can make the best impression on our guests. You have to pretend like you don’t usually live with a pile of not-quite-dirty-not-quite-clean clothes on your chair, and empty water glasses laying around—that’s just how it goes. But, once we begin cohabitating with a significant other, our normal living habits begin to take over and we find out how our partners really live. Dividing up household labor becomes something couples must tackle which studies have shown is easier to do in marriages than in cohabitation (Blekesaune, 2016). This is because when couples are cohabitating, they are more likely to keep their independent roles and feel less inclined to divide up household roles without the life-long commitment.

It is important to look into how different attachment styles deal handle cohabitation and marriage as well. As we have talked about a lot in this blog, there are three main attachment styles: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-anxious. Although research has found that attachment style does not predict whether or not one person is more likely to cohabitate than another, it has found that people with anxious attachment styles are less likely to be satisfied and show affection in their relationships while cohabitating and while married (Kulik & Havusha-Morgenstern, 2011). Through this we can see that attachment can play a role in the satisfaction of a cohabitating or marital relationship, but it does not always predict whether a person will choose to cohabitate or get married. 

Research found that 90% of couples who were married decided to get married said love was the main reason, while only 73% of couples who were cohabitating said love was the main reason (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). There are many other reasons people cohabitate as well. A friend of mine who cohabitated in her previous relationship pointed out that she did it because it made sense financially. She said:

            “I was moving to a new state after graduating college and he came with me. He had a stable income at the time and I was just starting a new job, so I couldn’t have afforded my own place anyway. It just made sense in the end that we lived together to cut some costs.”

Is money really one of the biggest motivating factors in cohabitating? Research has shown that 38% of cohabitators agree that it was their number one reason for moving in together—this compares to only 13% of married couples saying they got married for financial reasons (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). I can understand this, because as an emerging adult who is close to entering the workforce, I will likely continue to have roommates out of college until I am financially stable enough to live on my own. Cohabitating with a partner is similar in this way financially.

Older generations are more likely to advocate for couples to get married if they are going to be cohabitating, while younger generations generally believe it is okay to cohabitate without the intention of marriage (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). Historically, it was rare for people to live together before they married one another. Even in today’s world, though, some young people still choose to marry without cohabitating first. I asked a friend of mine who recently got married without cohabitating what she thought one upside of cohabitating before marriage would be as well as what she believed the benefits of not cohabitating before marriage were, she responded:

“Cohabitating before marriage probably helps alleviate a lot of the early issues surrounding schedule, who does what chores, annoying habits, and just everything that comes from learning to live with someone else. But, with that said, not cohabitating kind of forces deeper communication earlier on, I think. If you have the attitude that you’re going to be married forever, but you don’t know what it’s like living with the other person, that’s a big inspiration to ask lots of questions beforehand, talk out potential issues, and just make sure there are as few surprises as possible.”

So, what is it that makes people choose cohabitation or marriage? People have many individual preferences as to whether they want to cohabitate or get married including considerations about love or finances. Either way, every relationship is different. It is up to the individuals to choose what is right for them, which in today’s world could mean marriage, cohabitation, or neither!

Blekesaune, M. (2018). Is Cohabitation as good as marriage for people’s subjective well-being? Longitudinal evidence on happiness and life satisfaction in the British household panel survey. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 505–520. https://doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9834-x

Horowitz, J. M. Graf, N. Livingston, G. (2019, Nov 6). Marriage and cohabitation in the US. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/

Kulik, L., & Havusha-Morgenstern, H. (2011). Does cohabitation matter? Differences in initial marital adjustment among women who cohabited and those who did not. Families in Society, 92(1), 120–127. https://doiorg.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1606/1044- 3894.4057

Long Distance Relationships: Are They Worth It?

Should I pursue a long-distance relationship with them?

Many of us have asked ourselves this question before; I know I have. It’s the classic Camp Rock story: we’ve met someone on a trip over the summer, and we’ve developed a hardcore crush or maybe even started to date that special someone. But when the time you have together is coming to an end, you have to decide if you’ll end the relationship or try to continue it hundreds of miles apart. So what factors should you consider? 

How close you already are to your partner.

Attachment studies show that after we’ve begun creating deeper connections with someone, they become a source of comfort in times of stress, also known as our safe haven (Harvey, 2020). If we cannot physically go to our partner when we are struggling, will you be able to get support from them via technology, or from another close friend? Even leaving your partner after bonding closely with them can cause separation distress, which can include longing for your significant other and feelings of loneliness (Harvey, 2020). It sounds like no fun, right? It is paramount for us to consider if we’ll have the time and energy in our lives to not only support our significant other, but also get support for ourselves (which is an entire job on its own, as we all know). A close friend of mine who has experience in long-distance relationships told me how he maintained closeness with his most recent relationship: “We did a lot of Facetime and a lot of Skype. Even if we weren't talking just one-on-one, we would have each other on while we did our own thing. It was as close as we could get to being in the same room together” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).

What your personal attachment style is.

There are different attachment styles that an individual may have, and these will influence our behaviors in romantic relationships, which may be highlighted in long-distance. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may already be prone to worrying if their partner cares about them or enjoys being with them, and this fear may be amplified if they are unable to receive in-person support (Harvey, 2020). On the flip side, someone with a secure attachment may need less affirmation about the quality of their relationship, and can be honest if any issues arise, even though it might be more difficult to handle conflict while separated (Harvey, 2020). If you are someone who is future-focused and enjoys dreaming about you and your partner’s eventual reunion, you may also experience more satisfaction; so daydream to your heart’s content! (Merolla, 2012). 

But just because someone does not have a secure attachment or optimistic orientation does not mean long-distance would be impossible. Personally, I tend to need a lot of reassurance in my relationships, and while in a recent long-distance relationship, I just needed simple texts throughout the day to remind me that my partner still cared about me, and they were more than happy to do that to keep our relationship intact.

If you’re willing to put in a little more work.

Ultimately, not being physically close to your partner means that we may have to pick up the phone a little more in order to stay close. Luckily, an increase in communication technologies has greatly decreased historical stress in long-distance relationships (Merolla, 2012). We are all unique individuals, and our differences may mean that some of us may not be the best fit for long-distance. I know plenty of friends that have pursued someone from afar, and an equal amount who have decided against it. I encourage you to do what feels best for YOU. I think my close friend summarizes this decision nicely: “It really is something that you may not know until you try it, but before entering into a long distance relationship, really think about who the person is and where you are in your life” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).


Sources
Harvey, A. (2020). Couples and Attachment [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State 

University Canvas site for HDFS 402: info.canvas.colostate.edu

Merolla, A. J. (2012). Connecting here and there: A model of long‐distance relationship 
maintenance. Personal Relationships, 19(4), 775–795.
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01392.x

Attached… To Singlehood?

We’ve all been there, it’s the dreaded night of February 14^th and it seems that everyone you know is out with their SO and somehow you are the only one who does not have flowers and chocolate to post on your Instagram story today.  So, you go buy yourself your very favorite ice cream and tell yourself that this is better anyway because THIS way we can pick out whatever we’re in the mood for, and it doesn’t have to be in the shape of a heart. You spend the rest of the night watching cheesy chick flicks and yelling at the women in the movies for being overly dependent on some man, until your roommates come home humming “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra.

Okay—so not everyone has had that exact Valentine’s day experience, and we certainly live in a time when being single is no longer something that is looked down on or something that should be avoided. Being single can be damn empowering, and we could all do well to remember that! 

But what about those of us who have always been single? Who have defied the stigma of needing a relationship for so long that we can count the number of second dates that we have been on one…fist.  Could it be possible that people who have never been in a serious relationship and have never been married are more likely to fit a particular attachment pattern? 

In a study conducted by Verrinder (2012) looking at 55 never-married, college-educated women, those who had dated by age 16 tended to be securely and avoidantly-attached, and those who were securely attached were more likely to have had a relationship that lasted more than three months. Most women who were anxiously-attached had not yet begun to date by age 16 (Verrinder, 2012). 

Anxiety seems to play a huge part in the presence or absence of romantic relationships in a person’s life. I asked a recent college graduate who has never been in a real romantic relationship whether she felt that anxiety ever inhibits her from doing the things that she wants to do, to which she replied, “Yes. 100%. All the time.”  It was the most resounding answer she had given me the entire interview.  Findings from the previous study also indicated that women who were not dating tended to have the highest anxiety scores (Verrinder, 2012).

When I asked our college graduate about the only “fling” she had ever had, she described it as “confusing… I never knew where we stood, and truly, I didn’t ever really want to ask. Being with him was fun but the thought of making it something serious was daunting.  It made my stomach hurt just thinking about it.”  It was clear that she wanted a committed relationship, but the guy that she wanted it with seemed not to exist.

But why is this?  Does not being in a relationship make people more anxious or do anxious people tend not to get involved romantic relationships?

Well, not all research agrees that those with anxious attachments are bound for eternal singleness.  In fact, a comparative interview study of single people and couples, ages 25-55, found that single people are just as likely to be securely attached as married people—suggesting that “single adult life can be just as secure and satisfying as a married life,” (Schachner, 2006).

Understanding the roots of our attachment style can give us the tools we need to heal from any wounds in our past and move us toward more security and relationship success. Yet even so, being single also doesn’t mean that we have an anxious attachment style, or anything in need of fixing.  Our relationships are complex and we will probably never fully understand them.  However, we do know that plenty of people who have been single their whole life can often feel trapped by it (Verrinder, 2012).  If that’s you, know that you’re not alone, but don’t let the world tell you that it takes a relationship to define you!  Not a single other person can make you worth more than you already are! So let that anxiety go and simply be the whole and complete person the world needs you to be.

Schachner, D. (2006). Attachment and long-term singlehood. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of California at Davis.

Verrinder, F. (2012). A descriptive study of the dating relationships and attachment status of        always-single, white, college-educated, heterosexual women between the ages of 35-42.       In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol     72, Issue 12-B, p. 7702).

Earning Secure Attachment

If you’ve been following along with me throughout these blog posts, then you’ll know that this is my long-awaited final post on earning secure attachment. Throughout these posts we have discussed the many ways that insecure attachment can negatively impact our physical and emotional health, our trends in behavior, our relationship satisfaction, and even our drug and alcohol use.2 In this post, we will explore the journey of earning secure attachment, and the research behind it.

In my prior posts I have tried to emphasize that we hold the power, and that we are not doomed to live a lesser life just because we might have developed an insecure attachment style to our parents in childhood. I myself was avoidantly-attached growing up, and I have since been working toward a secure attachment style. I am a work in progress, and I still have moments where I find myself reverting to my old tendencies, such as leaving the room during conflict when I should stay and work it out. But, the important thing that I try to remind myself—and that we should all remember—is that knowing about our tendencies and the effects that they can have empowers us to change our behaviors and work toward trusting both ourselves—and those around us—a little more, scary as it might be. 

We have talked at length about the negative impacts of insecure attachment, but let’s focus a little more on the benefits of secure attachment. After all, it’s a lot of work to earn secure attachment, so we should be sure it’s worth it first. Those with secure attachments tend to have healthier and overall more satisfying friendships and relationships.2 Secure attachment styles are associated with more positive interpersonal expectations compared to those of us with insecure attachment styles, as well as higher self-esteem, increased self-reflection, better coping skills, and a general belief that we are worthy of love.2 

I talked to one classmate who earned secure attachment with her partner about her journey from being anxiously-attached to securely attached, and she related the following: 

“It was a long journey, and I had to consciously make the choice not to perpetuate my anxious behaviors. I would now say that I am securely attached, but I was very much insecurely attached at the beginning of my relationship, and my partner has helped me a lot with that. He does a good job of calling me out on my behavior and working with me to engage in healthier behaviors. I think finding someone that accepts you unconditionally and is willing to work with you helps so much. It’s really hard to make the choices to engage in healthier behaviors, and it’s much easier to stay in your comfort zone and continue your old patterns, but it really does pay off.”

To understand attachment security in adulthood, we must go back to the formation in childhood. We form our first attachment bonds to our primary caregivers, typically our parents, and these bonds are formed primarily during times of distress, but are reinforced over time.1 For example, when a child who becomes securely attached cries, their caregivers respond quickly to comfort them, and continue to respond predictably.1 For a child who becomes avoidantly-attached, they might cry and find that they get little or no response from their caregivers, which teaches them that it is not safe to rely on others.1 For a child who is anxiously-attached, they might cry and have a parent who responds unpredictably, responding warmly at times, but overwhelming them or providing them with low levels of attention at other times.1 This leads to challenges with emotional regulation and expression later in life by teaching insecurely attached individuals that it is not safe to trust others.

Adult attachment theory posits that as we grow up, we will continue to project the beliefs that we developed from our caregivers onto other close adult relationships, either anticipating that others will be dependable and safe, or that others will be unpredictable or unreliable.2 These bonds and beliefs also shape our sense of worth, and our attachment security can even differ across relationships. Thus, we might be securely attached to our best friend but avoidantly attached to our partner, making it a very complicated process that varies between each individual.2

Research on the exact path to earning secure attachment is still fairly limited, however, there seem to be some key elements involved with earning secure attachment. The first is that we are better able to earn secure attachment when we have less rigid ideas about ourselves and others.2 Thus, if we believe wholeheartedly that we are broken and doomed to never trust anyone, then we are less likely to change. But, if we believe that we are capable of change and are not trapped in our negative patterns, we are much more likely to earn secure attachment.2 Therapy has also been cited as a helpful tool to assist us, but the most important steps toward earning secure attachment, according to this method, are developing new coping methods, improving communication skills, and adopting healthier methods of interacting.2 The second (and often co-occuring) path through which people gain secure attachment is by having an alternate support figure; this might be a reliable partner, friend, or family member, or it could even be a trusted therapist that provides them with a healthy, stable attachment figure.2 

Thus, the most important steps we can take to earn secure attachment involve intentionally reflecting on ourselves, developing healthier patterns and behaviors, and finding and cultivating positive and healthy relationships. Nearly 1 in 4 people earn secure attachment, and that number increases when we make a conscious effort to practice healthier behaviors.2 So, it is hard, but it is doable. The findings do not mean that everyone who is insecurely attached needs to see a therapist, merely that it can be of benefit to some people. These findings also don’t mean that you have to follow a particular path to earn secure attachment, but these have just been found to be the most common steps for people to take. But most of all, remember that you hold the power to change your attachment style and transform your life. 

1Cooke, J. E., Kochendorfer, L. B., Stuart-Parrigon, K. L., Koehn, A. J., & Kerns, K. A. (2019). Parent–child attachment and children’s experience and regulation of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Emotion, 19(6), 1103–1126. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/emo0000504

2Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Physical Health

We’ve talked on this blog before about the impact that our attachment style can have on us physically, and we explored the effect that our attachment style can have on our stress levels and cortisol responses during conflict, which you can read about here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/09/stress-levels-during-conflict.html. But, did you know that insecure attachment styles can impact our physical health in other ways, such as increasing our risk of coronary artery disease, and demonstrating a statistically significant shortening of our telomeres (the structures at the end of our chromosomes that impact aging)? All of which can result in a decreased lifespan for those of us that are insecurely attached. 

This is the point in the post where I would like to remind you all not to be afraid. We are not inherently doomed. When we are insecurely attached in childhood and it extends to our adult attachment style, or when we have negative experiences early on in our dating lives, it might feel like we were set up to fail, and the wide-ranging influence of adult attachment on our lives and our wellbeing can feel overwhelming. 

If I just described how you’re feeling, then please know that you do not need to be afraid. These are general trends and do not necessarily extend to everyone, and the impacts of an insecure attachment style also depends on the attachment style of one’s partner.¹ Our attachment security can also fluctuate between relationships, so we might be securely attached to our parents, for instance, but insecurely attached to our romantic partner, which influences the health effects.¹ We also have the ability to earn secure attachment and transform our lives, and the more aware we are of our attachment style, and the more we make cognizant efforts to develop healthy patterns, the more likely we are to actually earn secure attachment.¹ If you’re intrigued by this and want to learn more, stay tuned for next week’s post where we’ll explore the topic of earning secure attachment at length. 

As we have touched on before, supportive and high-quality relationships have been consistently linked to better health.² Our attachment style is closely tied to how we regulate our emotions and our affect, particularly relating to the emotions we experience when we feel threatened. Our strategies for affect regulation significantly impact our emotional health, which is linked to our perceptions of and behavior in close relationships, as well as our ability to regulate our emotions and engage in either health-protective or health-damaging behaviors.²

This makes our attachment style particularly relevant for our physical health, because being insecurely attached predisposes you to be more likely to engage in health-damaging behaviors such as increased drug and alcohol use—as you can read about on the blog here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/10/drinking-habits.htmland here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/11/marijuana-use.html riskier sexual behavior, poorer eating habits, and less exercise.² Avoidant attachment is also linked with less seatbelt use, and less frequent use of healthcare services.² Insecure attachment styles are also correlated with increased cardiovascular reactivity to changes in emotion from one’s partner and decreased immune function.² These factors can all add up to decrease the lifespan of insecurely attached individuals, negatively impacting our health. 

Those of us who are lucky enough to be securely attached do not experience the same health risks, and actually experience health benefits from having healthy, supportive, and close relationships.² It is something that we can all strive for, and trusting in one’s partner can significantly impact almost every area of our health and wellbeing.²

Individuals with earned secure attachment experience the same health benefits, and I spoke to one friend who managed to overcome his anxious attachment and earn secure attachment with his fiancée, and he described the following changes in his health behaviors:

“Before I was in my current relationship, I did not have any concept of self-care, and without a positive reinforcement in my life, things like wearing my seat belt and maintaining a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, etc.) were not priorities to me in any sense. Once I found myself in a healthy relationship with my partner, I did a complete 180. Having somebody teach me self-love and constantly reinforce to me how valued I was shifted my perspective, and made me realize that I owed it not only to myself to remain healthy, but to my partner as well. Since then, I’ve made quite a few changes. I’ve stopped smoking, begun routines of exercise and healthy diet, and have become a much safer driver. All it took was a relationship which made me feel valued and secure.”

At this point, I would like to reiterate that these are merely correlations and will not be true for everyone. Our partners’ attachment style plays a role in the health effects and the way we process our own emotions, and these correlations are not necessarily true for everyone. But, most of all, we have the power to change our attachment style and transform our lives, as we will talk about in the next and final post, so stay tuned because you won’t want to miss it. 

¹Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

²Pietromonaco, P., & Beck, L. (2019). Adult attachment and physical health. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 115–120. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.04.004

Facebook Use

Social media sites such as Facebook have gained popularity in recent years, leading many to wonder about the effects of maintaining relationships online, and in some cases partially replacing face-to-face contact with online communication. If you’ve been following along with the blog for some time now, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that our attachment style even impacts the manner in which we use Facebook. Social media sites such as Facebook are thought to provide a sense of closeness and belonging that satisfies attachment needs for those of us who are insecurely attached, allowing us to engage (or disengage) as much as we feel necessary.¹ Thus, Facebook serves different functions for those of us with different attachment styles.

Those of us that are anxiously attached have grown to expect fear and rejection from others, and so we are particularly diligent and skilled at detecting cues for rejection, and we are especially sensitive to any form of criticism.¹ Those of us that are anxiously attached are therefore more concerned about how other Facebook users such as friends, family, or romantic partners, might perceive us.¹ This can lead us to spend more time on Facebook, checking comments from other users and generally worrying about if others will view us positively.¹Anxiously-attached individuals have also been shown to use Facebook more often to alleviate their feelings of loneliness, which indicates that the frequency of their Facebook use could be influenced by their mood.¹ It has even been shown that when anxiously-attached individuals are in a bad mood, they are more likely to use Facebook to connect to others in an effort to improve their mood.¹

Those of us that are avoidantly attached generally tend to avoid developing close relationships with others, and are more likely to socially isolate ourselves.¹ This is unsurprising when considering the finding that avoidantly-attached individuals are less likely to use Facebook often, are less likely to be transparent and open on their profiles, and are less likely to like or enjoy using Facebook.¹ However, despite being autonomous and generally reluctant to share emotions, those of us who are avoidantly attached are still more likely than securely-attached individuals to have concern over how others view us on Facebook.¹

Those of us who are securely attached generally have high levels of social and emotional communication, are outgoing, sociable, and use Facebook in an overwhelmingly positive way.¹ Securely attached individuals are happy to have others view their Facebook profile, feel proud of their profile, and generally enjoy using Facebook.¹Those of us who are securely attached are also less likely to use Facebook as a tool to improve our mood—unlike anxiously attached individuals—and generally use Facebook as it was intended; to supplement our existing relationships in the real world.¹

I spoke to one securely-attached friend about her Facebook use and she described the following:

“I am very open online and don’t hide who I am, what you see is what you get. I mainly use [Facebook] to catch up with friends and family and even to connect with other people who have similar interests as me. I think some people like to put on a front and try to appear a certain way online, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had to do that.”

At this point I would like to remind you all that we all have the power to change our attachment style and earn secure attachment. We are not doomed to perpetuate any negative patterns of behavior that we might have adopted, and we need never feel hopeless. If you are interested in learning more about earning secure attachment, stay tuned for an upcoming post where we’ll explore it in detail. 

¹Oldmeadow, J. A., Quinn, S., & Kowert, R. (2013). Attachment style, social skills, and Facebook use amongst adults. Computers in Human Behavior, 29(3), 1142–1149. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2012.10.006

Marijuana Use

As we’ve talked about before on the blog, our attachment style can influence our drinking habits and alcohol use, which you can read about here:

https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/10/drinking-habits.html

But, many of us—particularly those of us who live in states where recreational or medical marijuana has been legalized—may be curious about the effects of our attachment style on marijuana use as it relates to our romantic relationships. 

With drinking habits, the most significant increase in use is observed among those of us with anxious attachment styles, and it turns out that the same holds true for marijuana use. For those of us with anxious attachment styles who are already marijuana users, we are far more likely to demonstrate stress-attributed marijuana use.1 It is important to distinguish that having an anxious attachment style does not make you more likely to start using marijuana, but rather if a person with an anxious attachment style is already using marijuana, then they are far more likely to use it for the specific reason of relieving stress.1 

This stress-attributed use is most dramatically related to relationship anxiety, which those of us with anxious attachment styles are much more likely to experience frequently.1 This makes those of us with an anxious attachment style far more likely to use marijuana as a coping mechanism to soothe our relationship anxiety when we have fears about abandonment or lack of closeness with our partners.1 More specifically, fear of abandonment, which is strongly associated with anxious attachment, appears to be one of the most significant predictors of marijuana use.1 Thus, when those of us who are anxiously attached begin to fear abandonment from a partner, we are much more likely to turn to alcohol or marijuana to cope.

I asked one anxiously attached friend about his experience with using marijuana to cope with relationship anxiety and he described the following:

“Sometimes when I just feel like we are on different wavelengths or we can’t seem to connect for whatever reason I get really freaked out about the state of our relationship. It can be normal, everyday communication stuff and I just get so scared that we won’t work it out and I’ll lose her, and then I get worried about being too clingy. Sometimes I’ll smoke [marijuana] just to clear my head and keep my mind from spinning so much.”

Interestingly, those of us that are avoidantly-attached do not demonstrate the same increase in substance and marijuana use as those of us that are anxiously-attached.1 Marijuana use is significantly correlated with fear of abandonment, and those of us with avoidant attachment do not report fearing abandonment as much as those of us who are anxiously attached (perhaps we’ve just buried that fear more deeply and do not admit to it on surveys).. This is interesting to note, because those of us with avoidant attachment were shown to use alcohol to cope with our fears surrounding emotional intimacy, but marijuana was not observed to be used in the same way.1 

Those with secure attachment do not experience the same correlation and patterns of drug or alcohol use that are seen in those of us that are insecurely-attached, as secure individuals are less likely to experience fears of abandonment or fears of emotional intimacy.1 People with secure attachment styles have the emotional toolbox, so to speak, to discuss feelings and adopt healthier coping mechanisms for emotional distress.1

Another significant area of correlation with marijuana use has to do with self-esteem, which transcends all attachment styles and is true among all of us.1 Those of us with lower self-esteem are more likely to engage in marijuana use as a coping mechanism and a means of escape when the feelings of self-deprecation get to be too much to bear.1 

There is still limited research into the effects of marijuana use and attachment, but I am sure that there will be more extensive research as the drug continues to gain popularity and becomes legalized in more states. But even with these preliminary findings, it’s vital to remember that we are not trapped in our negative patterns of behavior. If anything mentioned above sounds like you, you don’t need to feel hopeless or upset. We all have the ability to change our attachment styles and our patterns of behavior, we can earn secure attachment if we are willing to work for it. If you want to learn more about this, stay tuned for an upcoming blog post about earning secure attachment. 

1Kassel, J., Wardle, M., & Roberts, J. (2007). Adult attachment security and college student 

substance use. Addictive Behaviors, 32(6), 1164–1176. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2006.08.005