If you’ve been following along with me throughout these blog posts, then you’ll know that this is my long-awaited final post on earning secure attachment. Throughout these posts we have discussed the many ways that insecure attachment can negatively impact our physical and emotional health, our trends in behavior, our relationship satisfaction, and even our drug and alcohol use.2 In this post, we will explore the journey of earning secure attachment, and the research behind it.
In my prior posts I have tried to emphasize that we hold the power, and that we are not doomed to live a lesser life just because we might have developed an insecure attachment style to our parents in childhood. I myself was avoidantly-attached growing up, and I have since been working toward a secure attachment style. I am a work in progress, and I still have moments where I find myself reverting to my old tendencies, such as leaving the room during conflict when I should stay and work it out. But, the important thing that I try to remind myself—and that we should all remember—is that knowing about our tendencies and the effects that they can have empowers us to change our behaviors and work toward trusting both ourselves—and those around us—a little more, scary as it might be.
We have talked at length about the negative impacts of insecure attachment, but let’s focus a little more on the benefits of secure attachment. After all, it’s a lot of work to earn secure attachment, so we should be sure it’s worth it first. Those with secure attachments tend to have healthier and overall more satisfying friendships and relationships.2 Secure attachment styles are associated with more positive interpersonal expectations compared to those of us with insecure attachment styles, as well as higher self-esteem, increased self-reflection, better coping skills, and a general belief that we are worthy of love.2
I talked to one classmate who earned secure attachment with her partner about her journey from being anxiously-attached to securely attached, and she related the following:
“It was a long journey, and I had to consciously make the choice not to perpetuate my anxious behaviors. I would now say that I am securely attached, but I was very much insecurely attached at the beginning of my relationship, and my partner has helped me a lot with that. He does a good job of calling me out on my behavior and working with me to engage in healthier behaviors. I think finding someone that accepts you unconditionally and is willing to work with you helps so much. It’s really hard to make the choices to engage in healthier behaviors, and it’s much easier to stay in your comfort zone and continue your old patterns, but it really does pay off.”
To understand attachment security in adulthood, we must go back to the formation in childhood. We form our first attachment bonds to our primary caregivers, typically our parents, and these bonds are formed primarily during times of distress, but are reinforced over time.1 For example, when a child who becomes securely attached cries, their caregivers respond quickly to comfort them, and continue to respond predictably.1 For a child who becomes avoidantly-attached, they might cry and find that they get little or no response from their caregivers, which teaches them that it is not safe to rely on others.1 For a child who is anxiously-attached, they might cry and have a parent who responds unpredictably, responding warmly at times, but overwhelming them or providing them with low levels of attention at other times.1 This leads to challenges with emotional regulation and expression later in life by teaching insecurely attached individuals that it is not safe to trust others.
Adult attachment theory posits that as we grow up, we will continue to project the beliefs that we developed from our caregivers onto other close adult relationships, either anticipating that others will be dependable and safe, or that others will be unpredictable or unreliable.2 These bonds and beliefs also shape our sense of worth, and our attachment security can even differ across relationships. Thus, we might be securely attached to our best friend but avoidantly attached to our partner, making it a very complicated process that varies between each individual.2
Research on the exact path to earning secure attachment is still fairly limited, however, there seem to be some key elements involved with earning secure attachment. The first is that we are better able to earn secure attachment when we have less rigid ideas about ourselves and others.2 Thus, if we believe wholeheartedly that we are broken and doomed to never trust anyone, then we are less likely to change. But, if we believe that we are capable of change and are not trapped in our negative patterns, we are much more likely to earn secure attachment.2 Therapy has also been cited as a helpful tool to assist us, but the most important steps toward earning secure attachment, according to this method, are developing new coping methods, improving communication skills, and adopting healthier methods of interacting.2 The second (and often co-occuring) path through which people gain secure attachment is by having an alternate support figure; this might be a reliable partner, friend, or family member, or it could even be a trusted therapist that provides them with a healthy, stable attachment figure.2
Thus, the most important steps we can take to earn secure attachment involve intentionally reflecting on ourselves, developing healthier patterns and behaviors, and finding and cultivating positive and healthy relationships. Nearly 1 in 4 people earn secure attachment, and that number increases when we make a conscious effort to practice healthier behaviors.2 So, it is hard, but it is doable. The findings do not mean that everyone who is insecurely attached needs to see a therapist, merely that it can be of benefit to some people. These findings also don’t mean that you have to follow a particular path to earn secure attachment, but these have just been found to be the most common steps for people to take. But most of all, remember that you hold the power to change your attachment style and transform your life.
1Cooke, J. E., Kochendorfer, L. B., Stuart-Parrigon, K. L., Koehn, A. J., & Kerns, K. A. (2019). Parent–child attachment and children’s experience and regulation of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Emotion, 19(6), 1103–1126. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/emo0000504
2Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog post and I enjoy the mindset of the idea that you are the only one who can control what attachment styles you have with those around you. I found myself relating to this post in an interesting manner. Rather than experiencing an insecure attachment with my parents in childhood, throughout adolescence I found that my attachments with my close friends were anxious avoidant. I was never confrontational and found that, similar to what you had mentioned, I would leave the room during an argument rather than staying and working through the problem together. Do you have any idea why I would have had this attachment style with close friends and partners even though I did not experience an insecure attachment with my parents in my childhood? I also was able to relate to how you explained that attachments that form as one becomes an adult change and that attachment levels can vary from relationship to relationship. I find my situation to be interesting because I had a secure attachment with my parents in childhood, but anxious avoidant attachments with friends and partners. Either way, I now have a stable partner who has helped me through my avoidant behaviors and has pushed me to open up to exploring secure attachments with people whom are close to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I found them to be very informative and intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I find myself having a different range of attachments with different people/in different relationships. I value the point made that it is important to know our tendencies and their impacts when approaching relationships. Evaluating the self can be calming, reassuring, and humbling. Many of the mentioned benefits of secure attachments can be much more attainable when people reflect on their tendencies and decide that making habits of a secure attachment can benefit the self, others, and relationships in general. Breaking habits of anxious and avoidant behaviors can be very uncomfortable, challenging, and scary. But by being intentional, people can begin to work on obtaining a secure attachment on a personal level, that can then play into other relationships.
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be very interesting as well as relatable to my current situation. I found out that I have some avoidant attachment style characteristics but it’s interesting to see the different in my attachment style with my friends compared to my partner. I realized that I am more in the avoidance side of attachment but it’s comforting to know that I can change my attachment style to develop a healthy relationship with my partner. I am slowly growing out of my old tendencies and developing a secure attachment style with my partner in which he has helped me with and has been very supportive. I think that I have a great support system and good communications skills but, I just need to learn to transfer this over to my relationship even though it can feel uncomfortable at first.
ReplyDeleteI like how you touched on how secure attachment is something that is earned, not given. Secure attachments are established only if there is a bottom line of trust between the individuals involved with the secure attachment. Attachments, in my opinion, are explained or described best with the lifespan approach. The way in which one forms attachments throughout their life may be largely attributed to their attachment to their primary caregivers in early developmental years. I totally agree with you when you talk about how self-reflection is just as important when attempting to establish a secure attachment as gaining the trust of the individual which you wish to form said secure attachment with. Unfortunately, self-fulfilling prophecies are a common issue when it comes to forming healthy attachments. The way you view yourself, or pre-determined view of yourself may have a highly positive or negative impact on the health of the attachments you form. This was a great post with highly informing material, great stuff!
ReplyDeleteThis entry was extremely insightful and eye-opening. This particular entry was very helpful in a recent conflict I’ve been involved in. My boyfriend and I have been experiencing problems for some time now and they just recently blew up to into a massive argument. We debated on breaking up, but instead decided to take some time to ourselves to really figure out what we wanted individually and in the relationship. I think it is a scary coincidence that I read this entry in the midst of everything. I’ve always known our attachment styles have been very different, but this entry caused me to see them from a new perspective that I had not previously considered.
ReplyDeleteI have a very strong anxious attachment style. My parents taught us to get up and dust the dirt off since I was little, but since then I have gone through multiple scary healthy problems that prevented me from getting up easily. While my parents were supportive during this time and came to my aid, that eventually diminished. After time, my parents support dropped off and I was expected to handle everything on my own. While I am an independent person, this was challenging. I learned to hide my emotions and my struggles making myself very closed off.
My boyfriend on the other hand has a very strong secure attachment style. He was very open emotionally with his mother and he doesn’t have a problem expressing what he is feeling. This proved difficult for us because we couldn’t understand each other’s viewpoints and coping styles, which lead to arguments. We are now in the process of trying to work on them together and help each other through our weaknesses.
I greatly appreciated the last paragraph stating that I hold the power to change my attachment style and transform my life. This provided me some motivation and realization that only I can change myself, and I have to be willing to do so. I appreciate this blog and specifically this entry. I look forward to following it in the future!
I thought that this blog post was incredibly well-written and insightful. I appreciated that you explained your own experience with insecure attachment, as I myself had an insecure attachment in childhood. My attachment story looks a little different, as I went from secure to insecure attachment due to a traumatic experience in my early childhood. Since then, I found that therapy was incredibly helpful for me as I was able to process previous traumas, learn new coping strategies, and improved my communication skills which are all steps that you mentioned can help a person earn a secure attachment. In my current relationship, I certainly feel like I have earned a secure attachment. By improving my own internal working model and by having a loving partner that has a secure attachment, I am able to be securely attached. Excellent post, and I hope that it helps others to learn more about their own attachment styles and earn secure attachment in their own lives.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post to be particularly interesting and relatable to me and the situation I am in right now. I love the mindset surrounding Earned-Secure Attachment being something that we ultimately have the power to change and shape. I always tell my friends I have commitment issues, and not so much because I have options and want to be single, but because I believe I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style and find myself on both of the continua of an insecure attachment. I am currently dating someone, and I find myself always conflicted and having feelings of anxiety when a relationship is mentioned. I have currently been trying to change my interworking model of self and others. This relates to one of your tips found through research about removing some of those rigid mindsets. It is definitely hard reflecting on my emotions and why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I find myself being hypervigilant to the behaviors of the person I'm seeing, and other times I find myself distancing myself and finding little things about them to convince myself to stop talking to them. Honestly, even reflecting on my negative tendencies in dating and in relationships makes me anxious and freaked out. I think my insecure attachment stems from traumatic past romantic relationships that have shaped the way I view relationships, but I do have a goal of gaining earned-secure attachment. Thank you for sharing this blog post, as it was very insightful and reminded me that I am not alone. I believe everyone struggles with attachment, and it is reassuring to know that I am more than capable of changing my attachment style.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was extremely relatable and eye-opening to read. I personally have a slightly anxious attachment style with my current romantic partner that has been existent since the beginning of our relationship. However, over the past 2 years we have been together, we have both worked on altering our own actions in order to build trust and improve security with each other. As you discussed, we have worked on bettering our communication skills (which is one of my partner's primary struggles), and attempting to engage in more positive interactions and expression when tension or disagreements arise. These changes have slowly but surely helped to develop my secure attachment toward him and our relationship as a whole.
ReplyDeleteIt was very interesting to learn how our preexisting attachment styles (that were developed during childhood with our parents and caregivers) can be used to predict or explain our attachment in later life. Now that I am older, I realize how our attachment can also be shaped, reinforced, and/or altered during other experiences and relationships throughout life. It is helpful and relieving to know that it is possible to change our attachment styles more positively as long as our mindset remains positive to the change!
I related a lot to this post especially the classmate’s story regarding their journey from being anxiously attached to becoming securely attached. I was anxiously attached growing up and since I have been in college, I have actively worked to break the anxious tendencies that come with insecure attachments. I now have a securely attached partner who takes people at face value and accepts all of me. This certainly helped me on my attachment journey and hopefully, I will earn a secure attachment someday. I am not sure if that will be any time soon because I still have some work to do on myself but I have already come a long way. Any progress is still progress!
ReplyDeleteReading this post made a lot of things make sense. It was like finding puzzle pieces that I have been looking for forever. When I was in high school, and even as a young adult, I was convinced that the only way I was going to change my attachment style and the person I was was if I stopped all romantic relationships and focused on myself. While this was true for some aspects of my life, I realized that once I entered a relationship at 19 that I had no changed at all. If anything, I had stayed the exact same. It wasn't until my most recent relationship that I realized that you don't have to be alone to do some productive and healthy change. My partner and I have been able to keep each other accountable as we've began the process of changing our attachment style. Everyday it gets easier, however, when we have to make big decisions in our relationship, that attachment style can come back out and make it harder for us to process what is happening. During those moments, we find comfort in discussing it with each other, but also with our support systems outside of our relationship. This post really opened my eyes to what has been happening in my relationship, and why I wasn't able to get ahead of my attachment until now.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy friend, Sara, also had an avoidant attachment style due to her early childhood experiences. She found it challenging to stay present during conflicts and would often withdraw emotionally. Over time, Sara began to understand the impact of her attachment style on her relationships and overall well-being.
She sought therapy, where she learned to identify her patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. She also found a supportive partner who was patient and understanding. He encouraged her to communicate openly and helped her stay engaged during difficult conversations. This support played a crucial role in her journey, as it provided a safe space for her to practice new behaviors.
Similarly to the writer of this post, I am working on creating a secure attachment style, but it sounds a lot earlier than it is. This post reassures me that people who may have had anxious, avoidant or both types of attachment styles can earn secure attachments, but it takes acknowledging our behaviors and being willing to change them to create more trustworthy bonds. There are many benefits to secure attachments that I would love to work towards attaining. To fully understand and accept the benefits of a secure attachment, I must form a secure attachment with my parents, which will be the hardest part, but something I’ve slowly been working on.
ReplyDelete