Attached… To Singlehood?

We’ve all been there, it’s the dreaded night of February 14^th and it seems that everyone you know is out with their SO and somehow you are the only one who does not have flowers and chocolate to post on your Instagram story today.  So, you go buy yourself your very favorite ice cream and tell yourself that this is better anyway because THIS way we can pick out whatever we’re in the mood for, and it doesn’t have to be in the shape of a heart. You spend the rest of the night watching cheesy chick flicks and yelling at the women in the movies for being overly dependent on some man, until your roommates come home humming “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra.

Okay—so not everyone has had that exact Valentine’s day experience, and we certainly live in a time when being single is no longer something that is looked down on or something that should be avoided. Being single can be damn empowering, and we could all do well to remember that! 

But what about those of us who have always been single? Who have defied the stigma of needing a relationship for so long that we can count the number of second dates that we have been on one…fist.  Could it be possible that people who have never been in a serious relationship and have never been married are more likely to fit a particular attachment pattern? 

In a study conducted by Verrinder (2012) looking at 55 never-married, college-educated women, those who had dated by age 16 tended to be securely and avoidantly-attached, and those who were securely attached were more likely to have had a relationship that lasted more than three months. Most women who were anxiously-attached had not yet begun to date by age 16 (Verrinder, 2012). 

Anxiety seems to play a huge part in the presence or absence of romantic relationships in a person’s life. I asked a recent college graduate who has never been in a real romantic relationship whether she felt that anxiety ever inhibits her from doing the things that she wants to do, to which she replied, “Yes. 100%. All the time.”  It was the most resounding answer she had given me the entire interview.  Findings from the previous study also indicated that women who were not dating tended to have the highest anxiety scores (Verrinder, 2012).

When I asked our college graduate about the only “fling” she had ever had, she described it as “confusing… I never knew where we stood, and truly, I didn’t ever really want to ask. Being with him was fun but the thought of making it something serious was daunting.  It made my stomach hurt just thinking about it.”  It was clear that she wanted a committed relationship, but the guy that she wanted it with seemed not to exist.

But why is this?  Does not being in a relationship make people more anxious or do anxious people tend not to get involved romantic relationships?

Well, not all research agrees that those with anxious attachments are bound for eternal singleness.  In fact, a comparative interview study of single people and couples, ages 25-55, found that single people are just as likely to be securely attached as married people—suggesting that “single adult life can be just as secure and satisfying as a married life,” (Schachner, 2006).

Understanding the roots of our attachment style can give us the tools we need to heal from any wounds in our past and move us toward more security and relationship success. Yet even so, being single also doesn’t mean that we have an anxious attachment style, or anything in need of fixing.  Our relationships are complex and we will probably never fully understand them.  However, we do know that plenty of people who have been single their whole life can often feel trapped by it (Verrinder, 2012).  If that’s you, know that you’re not alone, but don’t let the world tell you that it takes a relationship to define you!  Not a single other person can make you worth more than you already are! So let that anxiety go and simply be the whole and complete person the world needs you to be.

Schachner, D. (2006). Attachment and long-term singlehood. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of California at Davis.

Verrinder, F. (2012). A descriptive study of the dating relationships and attachment status of        always-single, white, college-educated, heterosexual women between the ages of 35-42.       In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol     72, Issue 12-B, p. 7702).