Do you find yourself pushing yourself away from every
potential partner that you start to get close to? Do you shy away from
commitment because you want to keep your independence? Or do you feel that you
experience love as a form of obsession, yet find that relationships rarely meet
your expectations? Many people find themselves opting for singlehood for
numerous reasons. Attachment style is not only an important aspect in
relationships but is also a major factor in being single. Singlehood is very
common in college as college students often prefer short-term, casual
relationships over long-term relationships because it allows them to focus on
their academic and career goals, as well as spend time with friends.[1]
One research article describes two types of attachment systems
that cause people to choose singlehood, including attachment-system
deactivation and attachment-system hyperactivation.[2]
Attachment-system deactivation is associated with an avoidant attachment style.
Individuals with this attachment style often display reluctance to getting
close with others and maintain emotional distance. Individuals with
attachment-system deactivation often report not believing in love, expect
relationship failure, have low commitment, and have low romantic interest when
interacting with potential partners. Due to these common behaviors and beliefs,
these individuals are less likely to be in a committed relationship and are
more likely to avoid new relationships after a break-up.[2] I interviewed a friend who seems to fit
into this category of attachment:
“I have a desire to be with someone, but
for some reason I always find myself pushing people away once we start talking.
I think I am just afraid to lose my independence and my ability to hang out
with friends as much. I have definitely talked to my fair share of guys that
seem to do everything right, yet I still always find myself acting distant and
eventually ending it. I’m not sure why!”
I personally also identify with this type of attachment style.
Despite being attracted to the idea of having a romantic partner, I always push
potential partners away. Even in the long-term relationships I have been in, I
felt like something was missing from the relationships and decided to end the
relationships so that I could have more independence and spend more time
focusing on myself.
In contrast to attachment-system deactivation, people who
have attachment-system hyperactivation have high attachment anxiety and often
seek closeness to romantic partners but hold negative expectations of partners
and think that their partners will not reciprocate their efforts.[2] People with this attachment style are
characterized by experiencing love as a form of obsession and constantly worry
about rejection, abandonment, and disapproval. They also often experience
jealousy, low trust, and can undermine relationships due to clinginess. People
with this type of attachment style are also typically rated as less attractive
by potential partners.[2] One of the
friends who I interviewed displayed this type of attachment style when she
said:
“I feel like no matter how hard I try to
make relationships work, the guys who I talk to don’t seem to put in the same
effort. My most recent relationship ended because he said I was too clingy and didn’t
trust him when he wanted to do his own thing.”
People with an anxious attachment style overall put in great
effort to find relationship partners, but feel dejected and disappointed in the
unavailability of a romantic relationship. These individuals will
unintentionally undermine their relationships, but report more fear of being
single.
It is also important to note that singlehood does not always
reflect difficulties in relationships but may be a secure personal choice.[2] Intentionally choosing to be single is
associated with satisfaction, self-fulfillment, and personal autonomy. In
comparison, being single, but not by choice, is associated with regret and
dissatisfaction. Overall there is nothing wrong with being single and
ultimately allows people to focus on school, careers, and self-care. However, research
has found that being single does not negate the need for close relationships.
It is still important to maintain close relationships with friends and family
in order to experience fulfillment and satisfaction with being single.
[1] Fishel, H. (n.d.). 7 Surprising College Dating Statistics.
Retrieved from https://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/E6F6928C/7-Surprising-College-Dating-Statistics/
[2] Pepping, C. A., MacDonald, G.
& Davis, P. J. (2018). Toward a psychology of singlehood: An
attachment-theory perspective on long-term singlehood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 27(5). Retrieved from 10.1177/0963721417752106
I personally identify with the avoidant attachment style. Not only have I avoided relationships after my last heart break but I avoid situations that put me in vulnerable positions. I find myself, wanting relationships and closeness especially with friends and potentially with partners but I also put myself into positions to stay single. My major concern in life right now is furthering my career. While my roommate is out with her boyfriend I stay home and study and plan for grad school and moving out of the country and what I'm going to do in my life. While this helps me stay very focused it does also leave a little hole. I personally hate the "hook-up" culture however I have been victim to it because it is just so easy. It allows for autonomy and low commitment. I have started to shift my mindset from dissatisfaction with the lack of romantic attachment in my life, to a happiness to have time to advance myself, have time with friends and focus on myself and doing the things I care about. Somedays are harder than other but the main focus is to do things for myself and be satisfied with autonomy. But I also should understand that I do have an avoidant attachment style and that if/when a new relationship presents itself I should realize that.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part, I identify as having a secure attachment. However, I have noticed that when things get tough in my life, I can lean more towards having an anxious or avoidant attachment. I’ve noticed when I get rejected or when I’m stressed out, I tend to have more characteristics aligning with an anxious attachment. For example, I get very much in my head and continuously wonder what I am doing wrong or why I seem to care about relationships more than the people I am in relationships with. But when I’m in situations that make me anger, I tend to have characteristics aligning with an avoidant attachment. For example, I will withdraw from people when we are in a fight because I can’t stand being around them or I will shut down because I don’t feel heard or understood. But I think as far as romantic relationships go, I am very trusting and respect independence for both myself and my partner because I like doing my own thing. However, I do crave attention from a romantic partner, care a lot about having an emotional connection, and being committed. Therefore, “hookup” culture has been hard on me and made me very untrusting of people. It seems like the guys I am interested in don’t want to commit and have an emotional connection. And the ones that I could possibly be interested in want to “provide” for me and take care of me. And I don’t want any of those things. So, I have gotten to the point where I am happy to be single and have become comfortable with being single.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of friends who are currently navigating long-distance relationships and I have seen how it can be both really hard and really beneficial. One of my friends has a boyfriend who lives in a different state, so there is a small-time difference and that has been challenging to mitigate to have meaningful connection from far away. They do spend lots of time texting, but sometimes my friend will stay up late to talk to him and I think that sometimes it just makes her more tired the next day. However, I know she feels a very strong connection to him and the happiness she gets by maintaining that relationship is much more important to her than an extra hour of sleep. I haven’t had to deal with the challenges of a long-distance relationship, but I imagine much of what the blog post says about keeping communication as a main part of how the relationship works would be true.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's boyfriend's attachment styles could be characterized by hyperactivation. She sometimes struggles to show him how dedicated she is and/or find ways to help him feel more confident with their relationship. Often my friend feels helpless within their relationship and his worries of rejections, disapproval, constant anxiety, and abandonment make her feel like a bad partner. She can relate to the feeling of wanting to end a relationship with someone because of this specific attachment style, as she has considered it numerous times. Though, she does love her partner very much. It takes A LOT of communication between them for him to be confident within the relationship. she is more understanding about his feelings because I have taught her about attachment styles and now tries to help when he is feeling more avoidant or anxious.
ReplyDeleteI agree that often times many college students are wanting short relationships due to their focus being mainly on academics/work goals and their social life. I have a friend that often expresses how she would love to be in a relationship but often times feels like she does not have the time to properly invest in the relationship. Another reason she feels that she does not get involved in a relationship is due to her not wanting to "end up" like her parents, who had a hard divorce when she was younger. This shows that her attachment style impacts the way she not only views but also engages in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe characteristics of the anxious attachment style described above match my own personal characteristics closely. My romantic relationship is extremely important to me and occupies a great deal of my time and energy. I strive to be as close to my partner as possible but often feel disappointed because these efforts do not seem to be reciprocated equally. I frequently experience intrusive thoughts and worries about my relationship; I have constant fears that my partner will leave me or that I will push my partner away. Because of my worries, I often require a great deal of reassurance and attention. My intense need for reassurance and attention is frustrating for my partner though and often leads to increased conflict or disconnection between us. Other behaviors I have also interfere with our relationship. For example, I would agree that I am a very jealous person. When my partner makes any indication that he is attracted to someone else, this hurts me deeply and increases my worries of abandonment. However, I also consider my worries about him openly displaying attraction for others as reasonable because of experience in our relationship with infidelity. The infidelity that occurred previously in our relationship contributes greatly to my low trust as well. As I previously mentioned, my anxious attachment style often causes more conflict in my relationship, which subsequently promotes doubt in it lasting. Being single sounds appealing in many ways to me; for example, I would have decreased stress because I would not have to worry about my romantic partner. However, instead of choosing to be single, I have chosen to seek a secure attachment. I have chosen to do this because of the importance of my relationship to me and because of my deep love for my partner. I have been working in therapy and with my partner to change my attachment style and use healthier behaviors in our relationship.
ReplyDeleteIn my life, there have definitely been many situations where I, just like your interviewee, have put in so much effort just to have none of it returned. This is something that I have turned into a lesson for myself, as I know that with whoever my future partner might be, I will really be looking for equal commitment as relationships take work and need to have desire and effort from both individuals. I also have many friends that enjoy their single hood and are waiting until they are out of college before pursuing any relationships. To each their own!
ReplyDeleteThis post hit home as I am a person with a mix of attachment styles. I remember after going through a breakup I promised myself I was never going to date again. I remember pushing potential partners away and never wanting to be serious with anyone. Knowing that others do this makes me feel a little bit better about myself. The point of giving up freedom and wanting to hang out with my friends is huge. After really thinking about why I was pushing partners away was also because I did not feel the same fulfillment I did with friends. That's when I realized that if I want to be with someone I should feel the same excitement I do with my friends, so setting that as the standard really helped me create more meaningful relationships.
ReplyDeleteWow, I definitely found myself relating to different aspects of this post. After reading this post I would like to have an attachment-system deactivation as I fear to lose my independence when talking to potential partners. Reading about this attachment style seemed very spot on to me as I was able to find myself relating to various aspects of this attachment style. I was never aware that these different attachment styles exist but I feel like a lot of individuals could find themselves relating to them. Overall, I found this post to be very intriguing, informational, and relatable to my life and hope to share this with others that feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteBeing single is something that I have taken a lot of time and space for. While I relate the account of trying to make a connection with someone and being told that I was clinging, or something else was adjacently proportional to the way I was acting, I have also found comfort in being single. Before my last relationship, I was a huge advocate for singledom. I was able to focus on myself and my interests, as well as truly reflect on what kind of partner I really wanted to be with. Since that relationship has ended, I have found myself trying to relearn what that feels like. Some days are harder than others, but it’s been good to read this to have the reminder that this is an opportunity to work on me, my career, and spend time with people I love without the extra distraction.
ReplyDelete