Unfaithful (by Lauren Fredeen)

For many young people, college is a time for identity exploration and thrill-seeking. But it can also be a time when people leave their moral compasses behind. We have all heard stories from friends or acquaintances of how so-and-so cheated on his girlfriend at a party, or how someone saw that girl kiss a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend. Unfortunately, one of the top reasons that college students break up is because of cheating.[1] With the large concentration of young students and increased opportunities to meet people, it is no wonder that cheating is so common in college.

When talking about cheating, it is important to have an idea of what constitutes “cheating.” One study asked older adolescents what they thought counted as cheating, and responses included dating or spending time (57%), having sexual intercourse (42%), engaging in other sexual interactions (e.g., flirting, kissing, necking, petting; 40%), keeping secrets (17%), and being emotionally involved (10%) with someone other than their partner.[2] More women thought of cheating as dating/spending time with someone else as well as keeping secrets, whereas more men identified sexual interactions as cheating.[2]

Interestingly, people often have different definitions of cheating based on attachment style. For example, those higher in attachment anxiety are more likely to perceive many kinds of behaviors as cheating, whereas individuals with avoidant attachment styles perceive less behaviors as cheating.[2]

Regardless of what you may consider as “cheating”, any form of being unfaithful often comes with an element of being dishonest or in-authentic. Authenticity and honesty promote positive relationship behaviors and relationship satisfaction, whereas defensiveness, dishonesty, and in-authenticity often undermine a partner’s trust, commitment, and relationship satisfaction. People often choose to be dishonest with themselves and others when they are trying to avoid a painful truth or due to social influence.[3]

The ability to remain true to oneself and be honest with our partners requires a lot of personal strength, psychological stability, and mindfulness which individuals develop through supportive relationships. Because of this, attachment plays a major role in people’s likelihood to cheat. Attachment insecurity, including insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant attachment styles, are associated with a stronger self-reported tendency to lie and to think that their partner is lying.[3]

There are also different motives for lying based on attachment style. An avoidant attachment style is often associated with lying to obtain feelings of power, whereas an anxious attachment style is associated with lying for some sort of achievement, perhaps within the relationship. Both types of insecure attachment are associated with lying for both altruistic and selfish reasons, as well as to comply with social norms and to protect the relationship. However, individuals with an insecure-avoidant attachment style are more likely to blame their partner for one’s own dishonesty.[3] I interviewed one friend who seems to have more of an avoidant attachment style and she said:

I wouldn’t necessarily consider it cheating, but I have had the tendency to flirt with other people while I’ve been in relationships. I think part of the reason is because I am scared of commitment, and when I have been extra flirty in the past, it was when my boyfriend did something wrong.”

In contrast to insecure attachment styles, individuals who have a secure attachment style have a reduced tendency to lie to one’s partner and are truer to oneself. Overall, studies have found that having a secure attachment style increases people’s willingness to be authentic, reduces their inclination to lie, and results in less cheating behaviors overall.[3]

College can be a time full of opportunities and temptations, yet it is important that we stay authentic to ourselves and be open with those we care about. Some ways to keep a happy relationship and avoid cheating include:

1. Communicate openly with your partner about what you need to feel fulfilled and be happy.
2. Encourage honesty within the relationship by using compassion and limited judgment.
3. Try not to let jealousy create distance within the relationship, but instead voice your concerns openly and non-attackingly.
4. Refrain from putting yourself in a situation in which there is a higher probability that cheating may occur.
5. Nurture the relationship by trying new hobbies with your loved one, and spending quality time with one another.[4]

Although there are ways to nurture healthy relationships and prevent the likelihood of cheating, it is important to understand that cheating can also sometimes be a way to end an unhealthy relationship. Trust is an essential part of having a happy and healthy relationship, and it is important that we connect ourselves with individuals whom we feel we can trust, and with whom we can be authentic and open with.

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[1] 7 Surprising College Dating Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/E6F6928C/7-Surprising-College-Dating-Statistics/

[2] Kruger, D. J., Fisher, M. L., Edelstein, R. S., Fitzgerald, C. J., & Strout, S. L. (2013). Was that cheating? Perceptions very by sex, attachment anxiety, and behavior. Evolutionary Psychology, 11(1). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/147470491301100115

[3] Gillath, O., Sesko, A. K., Shaver, P. R., Chun, D. S. (2010). Attachment, authenticity, and honesty: Dispositional and experimentally induced security can reduce self- and other-deception. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5). Retrieved from 10.1037/a0019206.

[4] Howard, J. (2014, June 19). 10 Ways to Prevent Cheating in Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-prevent-cheating-relationship.html