Entering
a long-distance relationship as a young adult is both overwhelming and
controversial. Adults, friends, and strangers give their unsolicited opinion,
regardless of your individual situation and reasoning. Social media is covered
with posts about successful long-distance relationships that seem picture
perfect and fatal relationships that end in heartbreak or deception. Is there a
right way to be in a long-distance relationship? How should we know that our
long-distance relationship will be any different from the horror stories we
hear online about cheating and infidelity? How do you know if you and your
partner are mature enough to handle the benefits and drawbacks of a
long-distance relationship?
Regardless
of your opinion on long-distance, college students still continue to pursue
these relationships, as 75% of college students report having a long-distance
relationship sometime in their young adult life1. Before we dive
into the current research behind long-distance relationships, there is also an
importance of hearing perspectives from our peers.
To
begin, I interviewed a CSU student who has been in a long-distance relationship
with her partner for four and half years. Her partner attends school in Texas,
and they recently got engaged. Because this student has successfully managed a
long-distance relationship in college, I inquired about the benefits and
drawbacks of this dynamic for two college students. The most unique aspect of
the interview was how confident this student was about her partner; she
confided that she knew he was worth the distance from the beginning. Early on,
the biggest challenge in their relationship was open communication, and she
mentioned that coming to college pushed them to the point of almost breaking
up. They eventually began realizing that the fights and struggles were worth it
and made a point to Skype five nights per week to still be together while still
respecting the other’s social life and weekend. She also mentioned the
incredible benefits of long-distance in college. She has been able to grow as
person and as an independent woman without the safety net of her partner, “growing
as a whole person rather than two halves of a whole.” I loved hearing this
sweet and thoughtful response to my questioning, as their relationship seems
both secure and successful.
Next,
I interviewed a CSU student whose long-distance relationship ended much
differently than the previous story. She left for college and continued to date
her partner from high school until halfway through her freshman year. Even
though her relationship ended, she did admit that the best part of a
long-distance relationship was being able to reunite with her partner and
cherish the time that they did have together. In her opinion, the hardest part
of long-distance was establishing boundaries for communication. She advised
students who are thinking of long-distance to have a clear, mature, and open
conversation before committing to long-distance. Because her relationship ended
with infidelity, her opinions on long-distance were slightly more tentative.
Through
both of these stories, we need to view a long-distance relationship (whether
successful or unsuccessful) with an attachment lens. Long-distance
relationships still need a secure base from their partner, even if their time
together is limited1. Additionally, serious long-distance
relationships may benefit from counseling1. Counselors can help
partners develop a secure attachment by encouraging partners to disclose
feelings, explain non-verbal cues, and to explicitly state what each person
desires from the long-term relationship.
But,
if you cannot imagine sitting through couples counseling with your college-aged
significant other, or it is just not feasible, don’t fret. Security needs can
be met through eye contact, body language, and expressions when the partners
are reunited after long periods spent apart2. If a couple simply
cannot maintain geographical closeness, these attachment needs could also be
met through communication such as calling, video-calling, letters, or pictures2.
Secure attachment can be attained if couples are consistently working towards
and recognizing these priorities2. All in all, there will never be a
right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship, but most importantly,
the romantic partners need to feel as though their needs are met.
1Roberts,
A. & Pistole, M. C. (2009). Long-distance and proximal romantic
relationship satisfaction: Attachment and closeness predictors. Journal of
College Counseling, 12(1), 5-17.
2Pistole,
M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical
perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(2).
Hi Merci,
ReplyDeleteI saw "Long-Distance" and immediately retrieved to your post. Ironically enough, your example about a couple who just recently got engaged is very similar to my story. I am an athlete here at CSU and my boyfriend is at Texas Tech. We were high school sweethearts and this is our third year of completing college long distance. I believe what has contributed to our success thus far is not only our love, but our family's love. Since I travel a lot for the softball team, our families try to help out my boyfriend fly to all the places we play. Its awesome seeing him in the stands, supporting me. On my free weekends, I will try to meet him halfway. I think long distance is totally manageable, but it highly relies on the people you surround yourself with. His friends at school and my friends on the team are successfully deeming long distance relationships. This upcoming summers, two of the weddings my boyfriend and I are attending are two couples who successfully endured a long distance relationship.
I was terrified to do long distance at first. However, I agree with that one gal you interviewed about finding ourselves. My relationship has allowed us to grow as individuals and grow as a couple as well. There are definitely ups and down, but it takes serious consideration of where the end goal is, which is marriage in our eyes.
Thank you for your blog! I really enjoyed it. I love hearing the stories of long distance because I truly believe it is a true test of a relationship!
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DeleteThis was a really well written post about long distance relationships and I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts. I enjoyed the thoughts your peers had as well as some research that has been done on long distance relationships. I did not know that 75% of young adults had reported having a long distance relationship. I have been in a long distance relationship before and it was very hard. Social media and technology made it easier but it was still difficult being in a relationship with someone that you could not see often. I liked your point about attachment styles because that can be an important factor that plays into the success of a long distance relationship.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you interviewed two students who had very different experienced with long-distance relationships. It was interesting that to learn that nearly 75% of college-aged students have been in/are in long-distance relationships. I would not have expected it to be so high. Personally, I have been in a long distance relationship through all of college, with my boyfriend from high school. Freshman year I went to school in Tennessee and my boyfriend attends school in Boulder. It was definitely a learning curve to figure out how to balance growing in our own ways and making friends in college while still staying connected from many miles away. I can relate to the thought that he is my person so these little fights and struggles are worth it. It made it much easier when I transferred to CSU, but we are still an hour apart, but nothing compared to states apart, so this feels like luxury! I think it is definitely greatly based on attachment style pre-long distance to know how well the couple will do during long distance.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I drawn to it because I can relate on a personal level and I found the content helpful. I personally can relate a little more to the second interview where the regions with the partner were refreshing and then things didn’t end so well for her. However, the ending for me was unknown because my partner decided to use the distance to his advantage and stop calling me all of the sudden. Although our relationship ended abruptly, I learned a lot about what it takes for both partners to feel secure in a relationship, the level of effort it takes, the pros and cons, and just that everyone has a different view of LD relationships. I would also point out that there are different types of LD relationships as some couples begin in long distance and some transition into long distance. Mine was long distance from the beginning, which I learned may have contributed to our struggles as we had to try to build our base with miles apart. Although my relationship ended poorly, I think I would still be open to doing long distance in the future, but I would approach it much differently and make sure my partner’s on the same page.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a very relatable post. The fact that 75% of college students report having a long-distance relationship sometime in their young adult life proves that this topic is very important. It is especially important to consider when thinking about starting a long distance relationship. As both of the personal stories above mentioned, I also believe communication is the key to successful relationship. Good communication is required in all relationships but it is crucial in long distance relationships. Along with communication, I also believe that personality type impacts long distance relationships. If both individuals in the relationship are loyal, honest, open, confident, and good at sharing their emotions than they are probably more likely to have success in a long distance relationship. I have been in a long distance relationship before and it taught me how much work goes into keeping a healthy relationship. I dated someone while they went abroad so that made the situation even more difficult with the time-zone difference. Despite all the difficulties we stayed together and remained happy. Overall, I believe a long distance relationship will work if you have a strong desire to make it work.
ReplyDeleteAll thanks to this great man called Dr Agbazara the great spell caster that bring back the joy in me by helping me to bring back my lover who break up with me Four months ago but now with me with the help of Dr Agbazara the great love spell caster. All thanks goes to him you can also contact him for help if you need him in times of troubles via: ( agbazara@gmail.com ) you can also WhatsApp: ( +2348104102662 )
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your vlog and hearing the different stories about how long distances did or did not work for college students. I can say being in a long distance relationship while being in college is challenging because of the needs of each partner. I was in a long distance relationship once I got to college myself. This relationship continued on from high school and it was a challenging one. My partner at that time joined the military and I chose school so we had to battle time differences, me being in class and him at work was very challenging. I think advice for individuals who are in the similar boat would be to have that conversation with your partner about the different schedules but maintain that communication between one another. That will help the relationship to continue on in my opinion. Thank you for sharing.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post! I thought it was very informative and I am very intrigued by this topic. I know many people who have been in long distance relationships and they all have very different stories. My roommate freshman year here at CSU was in a long distance relationship and while it lasted over a year, they ended up breaking up. They both valued physical touch and quality time and just couldn't meet each others needs in that way. My sister however has been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years and they have been able to make it work with open communication and video calls frequently. I think it is really interesting to look at this topic in terms of love languages as well because I think that this can play a huge role in whether or not these relationships make it long term. Thanks for sharing!
I sure hope we can make it work! Long-distance relationships are very daunting to me because I have been in a long-distance relationship and it ended in infidelity. My current partner (who has a secure attachment) is wanting to go to grad school however I will still have one semester left in my undergraduate degree so if he gets into a school that is too far away to commute, then we agreed to do a long-distance relationship. In theory, this is a good compromise but it doesn’t seem like a great solution, even if it is the best one we’ve come up with so far. Hopefully, infidelity will not become a part of my love story this time around.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post really resonated with me, reading it made me realize a few things about my past long-distance relationship. First, we struggled to find a balance of communication. While he had plenty of time to talk and text, I didn't. I realize now I wasn't completely willing to spend the time to sit and facetime with him like I used to. We started our relationship during 2020, when we both had the time and energy to spend hours on the phone, but after going to college and starting to get busy, that time decreased and so did my energy. Along with that, I realize now that while I wasn't willing to work on communication, he wasn't willing to respect my social life. He had nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs in a hotel while I went out. I think these factors contributed to the fact that we didn't end up lasting. I strongly believe we are both at two crazy points in life where we aren't compatible, but I don't know if we will ever be at the point where we will be. We are both stubborn, extremely driven individuals who have big goals, so I think we may be better as platonic support systems for each other. Nevertheless, I believe we both helped each other grow and flourish through our relationship and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world.
ReplyDeleteAlli, I enjoyed reading this post and related to it a lot. I have never done a super far long distance relationship, but I have dated someone that lives in Wyoming. Even though it was only an hour away, it was hard to stay in communication when we got busy on the week days. I have tend to have an anxious attachment style which doesn't allow for much room when it comes to lack of communication and I struggle to feel assured. Me and my boyfriend did six weeks of long distance this Summer where I was in Florida and he was in Africa and it really put a test to our relationship because we had little to no communication.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this blog because I did long-distance my freshman and sophomore years in college. I started dating my ex-boyfriend when I was 14 years old and at that point, we had been together for 5 years. I can really relate to the open communication part, this was our biggest struggle. We started dating so young, once I moved away for college, I gained a sense of independence that I didn’t have back home or felt as if anybody could fulfill. I grew into a more mature person and felt like the relationship was holding me back from the college experience I was so eager to experience. We didn’t communicate as we should have and weren’t on the same page, and maybe that's why the relationship ended. Long distance can definitely work, as long as both partners understand that there will be hard times, and communication with one another will help overcome those barriers.
ReplyDeleteHi, I really enjoyed reading this post. During my junior year of high school I moved from Colorado to Texas and ended up in a long distance relationship. I'm now a freshman here at CSU and am currently still with my partner! Hearing all those infidelity stories of long distance relationships made me so worried that I was going to be in the same predicament, which eventually made me lash out on my partner when I had even the slightest worry that it was happening. I also already knew I had a disorganized attachment style and he was a secure attachment style, so he was very supporting and reassuring. I eventually realized I needed to take responsibility of my feelings and decided to read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F Heller. It really taught me so much about how to better myself and slowly become more secure. Slowly, I began enjoying myself again and becoming more independent, yet still loving our nightly facetime calls! Long distance is hard but I think establishing boundries and talking about it can definitly make it doable.
ReplyDelete