Letting Go (by Lauren Fredeen)

Break-ups are painful. One moment you have a partner who you can always depend on, who understands and loves you…and the next moment the person you were closest to becomes the farthest person from you. Break-ups can be so difficult that you can barely force yourself to get out of bed, socialize, or stop crying. You feel angry, sad, and alone.

Many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, as how you react to a break up is related to attachment. John Bowlby, a psychologist who did a great deal of work on attachment theory, developed an attachment-based process of grieving during break-ups.[1] Bowlby proposed that the reactions to the loss of an adult romantic partner parallel those of a child who experiences a loss of a primary attachment figure. The process that many adults go through when losing a romantic partner begins with protest. Behaviors in this phase include pleading, crying, anger, and feeling a sense of disbelief. Individuals then enter a state of despair when they realize their significant other will not return. This phase is characterized by feelings of depression, sadness, disorganization, and withdrawal. The final stage of this grieving process is characterized by recovery and a gradual renewal of interest in other activities and relationships.[1]

Although many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, everyone deals with the end of relationships differently. Not surprisingly, how you handle a break-up depends greatly on your attachment style. As mentioned in my previous blog, the main types of attachment styles include avoidant-insecure, anxious-insecure, and secure.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learn as a child that others are unable to satisfy their needs and will ignore their emotional pleas.[1] An individual going through a break up that has an avoidant attachment style usually expresses less emotional responses such as pleading or angry outbursts, as well as seek less social support. If this is your attachment style you most likely will engage in more emotional avoidance by avoiding your ex-partner and evading reminders that might activate attachment needs. You may also use self-reliant coping strategies instead of depending on friends and family for support. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may engage in activities such as drinking and taking drugs to cope during a break-up.[1]

Children develop anxious attachment styles when their attachment figures are inconsistently sensitive and available.[1] This causes these individuals to engage in erratic or threatening behaviors to get their caretakers’ attention. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with this attachment style often engage in aggressive or seductive behaviors to try and restore the lost relationship.[1]  Although these individuals are more likely to get back together with an ex-partner, they are also more likely to think negatively about their ex-partner and assign blame to the partner during a break-up.[1]  I interviewed a few friends who have gone through break-ups and one friend who has an anxious attachment style said:

“It was one of the worst pains I have felt. I was devastated and could not stop myself from always checking his social media or obsessing about where I might see him on campus. I’m over it now though because I know he’s not a good person and he was the reason the relationship didn’t work out.”

Children with a secure attachment style have attachment figures that act as a base of security and are able to express distress freely while accepting comfort from their caregivers[2]. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with a secure attachment feel less apprehension about seeing their ex-partner again, give less blame to the partner, are less likely to get back into the relationship, and may express readiness to start dating again sooner than others.[2] One of my friends who I interviewed displayed a more secure attachment style when she said:

“It was very difficult at the time of the break-up, but I have no hard feelings towards him and truly do want the best for him. It just didn’t work out between us and that’s okay. I now know that it was for the best because I am with someone who makes me even happier.”

Attachment style and the implications for break-ups are important when understanding relationships in college. If you break up with someone who attends the same school as you it is likely that you may see your ex-partner in common areas such as classes or the library which allows for opportunities to re-kindle relationships or bring back difficult memories and emotions.[2]

Break-ups can be incredibly painful and difficult, but there are ways to help you get through these tough times. Some positive ways to cope with break ups include:

1. Surrounding yourself with friends and family who can support you and remind you that you are lovable.
2. Journal about your emotions.
3. Get active.
4. Avoid doing things that make you feel worse, such as checking your ex’s social media.
5. Be kind to yourself and understand that it takes time to heal.[3] 

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[1] Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, Emotional, and Behavioral Reactions to Breaking Up: The Roles of Gender, Age, Emotional Involvement, and Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0146167203029007006

[2] Madey, S. F. (2012). Attachment style and dissolution of romantic relationships: Breaking up is hard to do, or is it? Individual Differences Research, 10(4). Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=cookie,ip,url,cpid&custid=s4640792&db=psyh&AN=2013-00688-004&site=ehost-live

[3] Mort, S. (2018, August 20). The very real pain of breakups. Why they hurt so much and what you can do about it. . Retrieved from https://drsoph.com/blog/2018/8/2/the-very-real-pain-of-breakups-why-they-hurt-so-badly-and-what-you-can-do-about-it