“Girl, what’d he do?”: A College Student’s Guide to Comforting Your Distraught Friends (by Merci Sugai)

From dramatic plotlines in shows like Gossip Girl and Scandal to Tristan Thompson’s very public infidelity with Jordyn Woods, cheating is presented throughout social media, television, and popular movies. Cheating is truly ingrained in our culture. I’m sure you or your friends have experienced infidelity sometime throughout these few years at CSU. Unfortunately, it is incredibly common for many relationships. Marriage and relationship research shows us that 25% of committed relationships experience some form of infidelity.¹  

Personally, I have never had a relationship end because of cheating, but I have had countless friends and peers confide in me that they have experienced their partners being unfaithful. As a friend and future helping professional, I want to do all in my power to help them through these difficult times, as they deal with infidelity. Although a pint of ice cream and a sad movie might be temporarily healing, research shows that being cheated on can actually have long term effects on all relationships, including future romantic partners, family, friends, and future children.¹ Because these effects might need more guidance than a face mask and a hug (although these are nice gestures), us HDFS students need to learn the most appropriate ways to comfort and guide our peers through these tough times of infidelity.

First, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge your friend’s behavior through an attachment lens. People with high attachment anxiety might express more aggressive behaviors after discovering their partner’s infidelity¹, so you as a confidant might need to give them space to express their emotions. After you allow them time to breathe, you could sit and brainstorm with them about things that might be triggering, such as seeing pictures of their ex-partner or hearing a certain song that reminds them of an ex. Invite your friend to recognize the triggers and talk through them with you. Instead of telling them to block their ex’s number, try advising your highly attachment-anxious friends to channel their anger into journaling, exercising, or artistic expression.¹

However, if your friend or peer has a more secure attachment style, it is easy to think that they might bounce back quicker than others with attachment anxiety or avoidance. It’s also easy to fall into gendered stereotypes, believing that men expressing emotional distress after a break-up is irregular. Research conducted on 400+ college students with a variety of attachment styles demonstrated that 60% of men with insecure attachment styles and 42% of men with secure attachment styles said sexual infidelity was the most distressing challenge that could hinder a relationship.² This essentially means that, regardless of the subject’s sex and attachment style, cheating brought out the most intense emotions compared to any other potential roadblock (such as long distance or unexpected illness) in a romantic relationships.

What if your friend still wants to date their unfaithful partner? How could you still be supportive? Even if this is not the choice that you personally would have made, it is still important to recognize and be aware of the advice you could give your friend in this situation. One way to advise your friend is presenting options for couple’s therapy. As college students, this may not be something that is feasible at the moment, but long-term partnerships should consider therapy, even if the infidelity occurred while they were still in college. Couple’s therapy, specifically couples therapy after an infidelity, is challenging but proven to be better in long-term relationship satisfaction.³ Therapists can cognitively map out the couple’s goals, both in the present and for years to follow; this can be extremely rewarding and beneficial for the well-being and relationship of couples who have experienced infidelity.³ This cognitive behavioral therapy may not be for everyone, but as a friend, it is important to bring up this possibility to someone who chooses to remain with their partner after they have cheated.

It’s important to recognize that grief from a lost relationship looks different for every human. But, research proves that infidelity impacts everyone in some way, regardless of attachment style or gender.² Look out for your friends and peers and remind them that they aren’t alone in their heartbreak. We as college students can provide more than just chocolate during a breakup; we can nurture our peers as they navigate through mistrust and re-shaping a relationship. Check on your friends (more than once), validate their emotions, actually listen to what they’re saying, and ask about their feelings. Reassure them that they are not alone, and work on ways that they can channel their emotions in a healthy and confident way. Cheating is incredibly challenging and heartbreaking, but we can take steps to help our friends re-build stronger and better relationships in the future.  

¹Tagler, M. J., & Gentry, R. H. (2011). Gender, jealousy, and attachment: A (more) thorough examination across measures and samples. Journal of Research in Personality, 45(6), 697-701.

²Wang, C.-C. D., King, M. L., & Debernardi, N. R. (2012). Adult attachment, cognitive appraisal, and university students’ reactions to romantic infidelity. Journal of College Counseling, 15(2), 101-116.

³Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Synder, D. K. (2008). Optimal strategies in couple therapy: Treating couples dealing with the trauma of infidelity. Contemporary Psychotherapy, 38, 151-160.