Dating in the Age of Smartphones (by Merci Sugai)

Some of my favorite stories that my parents and grandparents have ever told me have revolved around their experiences with dating. It seems crazy to hear about waiting at your landline phone for your boyfriend to call you or sending handwritten love notes in the mail. The year 2019 has brought about new expectations from society and peers surrounding dating and the behaviors that should revolve around dating. Between dating apps and social media, 2019 has created everything from trust issues to new opportunities to meet  romantic partners.

I decided to ask both my Grandma and Mom about their experiences dating as a young adult in order to compare previous generations’ stories to the current trends of dating in 2019. I inquired about the ways they were asked on dates, how they communicated with their boyfriends, and simply what “normal” dating behaviors were in previous decades.

My Grandma is 81 years old and was married for 58 years before my Grandpa passed away two years ago. By the time she was my age, she was already married, so I asked about her experiences dating in high school. She laughed as she told me about writing boys names on her calendar, admitting that she usually had a different boy scheduled every weekend. She would go on dates to the drive-in or to the Friday night football games. She knew that there was no pressure to “go steady” with any of the boys that brought her out; all of her friends had similar expectations as well. However, when she reached 18 years old, her family and friends became much more serious about dating. Her friends began dating boys with a more serious intention, and she had her first steady boyfriend that she was expected to marry. Even though she didn’t meet my Grandpa until she was twenty, she mentioned that those two years of serious dating were not nearly as “exciting and fun” as her times as a 16-year-old where she got to date as many boys as she pleased.

My Mom, on the other hand, had a slightly altered experience from my Grandma. She felt no pressure to marry after high school and instead went to college to pursue higher education before marriage. Casual dating to her looked different from my Grandma’s. The boys she dated would still have to call her to schedule dates, but she would go on several dates with her suitors until she decided if she wanted to continue dating them or not. As she entered her mid-twenties, she met my Dad. As their relationship became more and more serious, she recalled the days of phone calls, letter writing, and meeting his family. There was no way to text him when she missed him, and he would often wait for days to call her. She also revealed that one of her serious partners cheated on her while she was at college and he was back home in high school; she really had no way to figure this out until word of mouth spread to her and her friends at college. She noted that there must be so much more pressure for people in 2019 to be constantly in contact with their significant others, as there is always a way to get in touch with your boyfriend or girlfriend under your fingertips.

Current research shows us that one of the main factors impacting most relationships isn’t family pressures or peer influence. Instead, social media impacts young adult dating and attachment with their partners¹. I’m sure many of you understand this concept, as our smart phones give us 24/7 access to social media accounts, texting, FaceTime, and more. Your partner’s entire life might be on his or her smartphone, leaving a lot of young adults curious about what their partner could be hiding from them. Both my Mom and Grandma mentioned that they couldn’t imagine dating someone in the day and age of smartphones, as people could have trust issues, check each other’s locations, and have virtually no reason to not see or respond to their partner’s texts, calls, or direct messages.

Could the reason that my Grandma felt no pressure to continue dating any boy be because she had no way to track his activity online or constantly text or Snapchat him? Do you think that not having access to social media profiles made it easier for my Mom to wait for days between phone calls from my Dad?

Research would say yes. Social media has been proven to negatively impact romantic partnerships for people with insecure attachment styles¹. If you identify as someone who might have an insecure attachment, you may be more prone to intrude on your partner’s smartphones to look at their direct messages or texts, ask your partner to share their location to your phone, or many other relatively invasive online behaviors¹. These behaviors would have been virtually impossible for a teenager in the 1980’s to enact on their partners; 2019 has brought about ways for attachment styles to impact almost every aspect of relationships.

Your attachment style might predict more than just how often you sneak a peek at your partner’s phone. It could also predict your relationship satisfaction in a modern technological society. A current study on college students in romantic relationships found that those with low attachment anxiety had the highest relationship satisfaction and checked their partner’s phone less than any other type of attachment style². Higher self-efficacy also led to more relationship confidence, therefore predicting greater relationship well-being².

All in all, dating trends have shifted from penciling in dates on your calendar, from waiting for weeks on end for phone calls, from downloading dating apps on smartphones, and from being able to read your partner’s online messages. Having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean that you are doomed to have a distrustful relationship; however, there are risk factors for typical “jealous” behaviors related to technology. To prevent these behaviors, research studies suggest²:

1. Having several conversations about open communication with your partner(s).
2. Practice asking instead of assuming.
3. Try journaling your jealous feelings to find common patterns or triggers for jealous behaviors to erupt.
4. Find activities that make you happy and content without your partner present. Incorporate those activities into a weekly routine.

Dating in 2019 might be significantly different from our parents or grandparents, but it is important to recognize how you can still develop healthy relationships even in the age of smartphones and technology. Practice open communication with your partner, inside and outside of technology. Thankfully, as we grow into an increasingly technological age, more and more research can affirm your feelings and emotions.

¹Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., & Safyer, P. (2015). Too close for comfort: Attachment insecurity and electronic intrusion in college students’ dating relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 50, 431-438.

²Weisskirch, R. S. (2017). Abilities in romantic relationships and well-being among emerging adults. Marriage & Family Review, 53(1), 36-47.