Bye Bye Blues (by Lauren Fredeen)

Bye Bye Blues

Can you imagine being absolutely head over heels for someone and then watching them leave for weeks,  months, or even years before you get the chance to see them again? Some of you might be able to imagine this situation perfectly, because it is all too real for many of us. In fact, 25 to 50% of college students are in a long-distance relationship at any given time, and 75% of college students have been in a long-distance relationship at some point.[1]

Those of you that have been in a long-distance relationship know that it’s not the easiest thing to do! Attachment plays a huge role in relationships and refers to the strong emotional bonding and feelings of security that you feel with a romantic partner. To maintain this sense of security, couples often strive to maintain a close proximity to one another.[2] When this proximity is difficult to have in long-distance relationships, feelings of anxiety and loneliness are very common responses.[2]

Your attachment style can tell a lot about how you might handle a long-distance relationship. The three main types of attachment styles include anxious-insecure, avoidant-insecure, and secure.[3] Individuals who have an anxious-insecure attachment style depend on their partners to “complete them” and are often afraid of being alone. This causes these individuals to often become clingy, demanding or possessive towards their partners. Individuals with this type of attachment may engage in continual monitoring and worrying about what their partner is doing and these behaviors can become even more pronounced in a long-distance relationship.[3]

“I decided to come to CSU to stay in the same state as my girlfriend and went home every weekend freshman year to visit her. The moment I went to one party she told me that she couldn’t trust me. I couldn’t tell her about any of my friends that were girls.”

Individuals with an avoidant-insecure attachment style are afraid of being both too close or too distant from their partners.[3] This can be difficult in a long-distance relationship as they may engage in less communication and coping strategies with their partners. If you fall into the avoidant attachment style, chances are you will miss your partner when they are away, but when they return you may feel smothered.[4]

The avoidant-insecure attachment style is what I identify with most strongly and I have seen this play a role in many of my relationships. Although I have a strong desire to be with someone, when I have the opportunity to become connected with someone, I often pull back. I dated someone for two years during my senior year in high school and freshman year in college. During the year when I was in college and we were dating long-distance, I constantly felt myself pulling back and feeling “trapped” when we came back together.

The last main type of attachment style is secure. Individuals with a secure attachment are generally more trusting of their partners and are comfortable being honest, intimate, and supportive.[3] When people with a secure attachment are in a long-distance relationship they are more likely to use what researchers call “maintenance behaviors.” These behaviors include providing assurance of love, openness about their feelings, conflict management, positivity, and pleasant interactions.[2]

“Long-distance relationships don’t suck. I think it’s healthy to be able to be independent and not see your partner every day. Even though it was difficult at times, we were still able to have a happy and healthy relationship.”

Ideally, having a secure attachment results in having the most successful and happy long-distance relationship. But, this is not to say that if you feel like you have a more insecure attachment style that your relationship won’t be successful. Some ways you can ensure that your long-distance relationship stays happy and healthy include:

1. Improving and increasing your communication (technology is a great way to do this!)
2. Reserving the time that you do have together for memorable and meaningful activities.
3. Provide reassurance to your partner.
4. Reframe the situation as a positive – and believe in it.[2]

Despite the distance, long-distance relationships among college students are actually more stable than proximal relationships! That shows that long-distance relationships can be successful and it’s just a matter of figuring out what works best for you and your partner.

---

[1] Long Distance Relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://behrend.psu.edu/student-life/student-services/personal-counseling/student-resources/long-distance-relationships

[2] Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407510363427

[3] Dodgson, L. (2018, June 13). These are the 3 types of attachment styles - and how each affects your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.thisisinsider.com/the-3-different-attachment-styles-2018-6

[4] Avoidant Attachment: The Advanced Guide. (2019, March 01). Retrieved from https://www.depressionalliance.org/avoidant-attachment/