Let’s face it, hookup culture is a big part of college, and whether you engage in it or not, we’ve all heard stories from friends and watched TV shows that promote “hook ups” as the norm. Hooking up can mean a range of things, and the term possesses a level of ambiguity that can be exasperating even for the sanest of us, but regardless of how we personally define the term, the emotional effects remain largely the same. That being said, people’s reactions and attitudes toward casual sex vary greatly. Some of us prefer casual sex to relationships, and have a self-proclaimed “fear of commitment”. Yet, there are some of us who shy away from casual sex for fear of getting too attached. Then there are those of us who still prefer monogamous relationships.
Regardless of where we fall on this spectrum, if we desire an emotionally positive experience during casual sex, understanding our attachment styles is a great first step.
What do I mean by attachment style? As we’ve talked about a lot in this blog, there are two categories of attachment: secure and insecure2. Those with a secure attachment style find it easy to get close to others, and generally have pretty healthy relationship patterns. Those who are insecurely attached fall into two main categories: anxious and avoidant. Those who are anxiously attached are more likely to worry that others will not be there for them in times of need, whereas those who are avoidantly attached tend to distrust others and strive to maintain emotional distance.
Our attachment styles are influenced by our earlier life experiences, a lot of which we haven’t had much control over. Some of us have been lucky with our close relationships, and others of us have had life circumstances that are less-than-ideal at times. However, it is still important to understand our attachment style and how that might relate to our attitudes toward casual sex.
Those who are securely attached tend to enjoy casual sex the most out of any attachment style, having the best outcomes and the healthiest attitudes2. I asked one securely-attached friend their thoughts on casual sex, and they expressed a fairly-positive attitude:
“I think casual sex can be really rewarding, particularly when the person you’re having sex with is a friend or an acquaintance. Particularly with depression or anxiety, the connection that’s gained through sexual intimacy can’t be overstated. Relationships are lovely and beautiful, but they’re time consuming and taxing and sometimes you just wanna hook up.”
Those of us who are securely attached, like my friend quoted above, have more positive feelings during sex, and feel more confident about their sexual behaviors1. Whereas, those of us who are avoidantly attached, like myself, have more positive attitudes towards one-night stands, and are more likely to use sex as a tool to improve things like self worth and social status. Anxiously attached individuals generally have more negative attitudes toward casual sex, and often equate sex with love, believing that sex should be saved for relationships. However, all of us who are insecurely attached are more likely to report negative feelings about sex, are less likely to have open discussions with sexual partners about their needs, and are more likely to use substances before sex1. But, this does not mean casual sex is always a negative experience for those of us who are insecurely attached.
While I do agree that the risks are there for insecurely attached individuals, I also think it depends entirely on one’s motives for seeking out casual sex. Motives have been shown to be better predictors for sexual encounters than attachment style alone2. For example, those who are comfortable with, and seek out, emotional intimacy are more likely to engage in casual sex due to their desire to feel close to others. On the other hand, those of us who might be less comfortable relying on others are less likely to seek out casual sex and more likely to keep to ourselves.
If a person enters a casual hook up expecting more (or less) of a connection than what is being offered, then they run the risk of ending up disappointed, and being left with negative feelings of regret.
The best way to ensure that you have a positive experience in a casual sex encounter is to know your attachment style and what that means for you within the context of casual sex, know your limits and know the risks. Be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for, because if what you really want is a committed relationship, then casual sex will most likely leave you with regrets. And most importantly, if you decide to go for it, be sure that you feel safe with your partner and that it is a safe environment.
If you want to read more on attachment styles, check out these posts:
1Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment and sex.
In Attachment in
adulthood:
Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 372-392). New York,
NY: Guilford Press.
2 Schneider, M. E., & Katz, J. (2017). Adult
attachment and heterosexual college women’s
hookup
behaviors: Mediating effects of sexual motives. Sex Roles: A Journal of
Research, 77(5–6), 419–429. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s11199-016-0726-7
Thank you for sharing on this topic. This topic has a lot of things that could be said about it, especially when it comes to how people, especially college students, feel about it. But there is a large aspect of the psychology and actual reasoning behind it that gets overlooked. Attachment is crucial when thinking about this topic and finding out why and what kind of people engage in this behavior. I know that secure attachment is more correlated with higher rates of casual sex and more positive behaviors towards it; however, I wanted to post a question about it. I feel that having more secure attachment as well would potentially mean that those individuals might want to seek out a more lasting relationship, rather than casual and potentially sexual relationships, like many of my friends and myself. What might research or you personally think about this? If someone has secure attachment, could they also be more correlated with finding a significant other and wanting to pursue them and them alone, rather than just wanting something fleeting and short-lived, whether in college or not?
ReplyDeleteI did not realize that there was any sort of connection between attachment and having casual sex. It was interesting to read how different attachment styles respond differently to casual sex. I have an anxious attachment style and I have a really hard time with casual sex. I do not think I could ever do a relationship that was centered around casual sex because I enjoy the closeness that comes with having sex with people you love. This might just be a personal choice because like the blog post said, many college students have casual sex relationships or hookups. I am just not one of them.
ReplyDeleteThis topic is definitely is prevalent in a college students’ life, and even as a emerging adult so it was very intriguing to read this blog. The idea of hookup culture is shown through tv shows, and movies of how glorified it can be, but I agree in why you talked about how different experiences can vary. The concept of attachment styles within casual sex is truly important because it relates to how people function within a hookup relationship. I relate to this because I am an anxious attachment style in a relationship so the point of that I am more likely to worry that others wont be there is very a prevalent factor within my own life experiences, and my past relationships have influenced because I have talked to avoidant attachment styles who were into the whole casuals sex idea and had no emotions and distant at times, where they prefer one night stands as said in this blog while my attachment style and my experiences not want to participate, and want the commitment that can come about this relationship.
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