Commitment Issues

Here we are friends, the end of this blog series.  It has been a fun ride, and I myself have learned so much from both writing this blog and reading your comments.  Thank you so much for your thoughts!

I’m wondering if some of you are in a period of questioning whether or not the person you are currently committed to is the one you want to be with (if so, might be a good idea to comment on this blog post anonymously!). Maybe you are questioning if this relationship is worth it or are feeling uncertain about the relationship as a whole.

In all types of relationships, there comes a time when you really start to consider if you want to truly invest in the relationship.  One of the strongest predictors of whether or not a relationship will make it is the level of commitment between partners¹.  Relationships that last have a strong level of commitment, whereas the ones that don’t, not so much.

As young adults, we are going through so many transitions in all areas of our lives, and our romantic relationships are no different.  In my opinion, this is why so many of us seek to find the right one in college, and when we don’t, we continue our search.  We want to find our special person, and sometimes, that means we question even more if the partner we are currently with is the one.  We want to make sure we commit to the right person.

Researchers define commitment as “the intentional choice to persist in a relationship and sustain an emotional attachment”, and “giving up other relational choices, increasingly being constrained and dedicated to that person”².  There are so many different factors that influence the beginning and maintaining of commitment.  Some include attachment (I know right, attachment seriously influences everything) and uncertainty. 

Commitment can fluctuate in normal and predictable ways! Please do not feel that if you ever have doubts or thoughts of uncertainty about your relationship that it is automatically headed towards the gutter.  It is totally normal for your relationship ebb and flow through the challenges of life.  Just as our relationship goes through phases, so do our levels of commitment³.  It is often tested, developed, and strengthened in the beginning stages of a relationship, and over time, we experience decreased anxiety about our commitment to our partner¹.  But in between, we experience plenty of normal highs and lows. 

When commitment is truly called into question is when the relationship seems to no longer meet the needs of either one or both of the partners¹.  Either this, or when there has been a significant hurt or breach of trust in the relationship¹.  When either of these occurs, one or both partners may become more uncertain about their level of commitment.  This leads to what researchers call commitment uncertainty¹.  Commitment uncertainty may also refer to the degree in which a partner feels unsure and uneasy about their desire to continue in the relationship¹.  This can create ongoing conflict, both internally and externally.  Fluctuating feelings and thoughts about the future of the relationship is a huge part of this.

One of the main signs of decreased relationship commitment is serious consideration (what researchers call “alternative monitoring”) of other partners¹.  Like mentioned earlier, it is absolutely normal to casually scope out other potential partners.  You know, when your roommate’s brother or sister walk in and you can’t help but think to yourself “how you doin?” (cue Joey Tribbiani’s voice).  This, my friends, is totally normal.  On the other hand, serious alternative monitoring comes into play when we actively strive to get fun and flirty with a potential partner¹. That’s when we should recognize that maybe the relationship we’re in isn’t doing it for us.

As young adults, we navigate romantic relationships like it’s our job (and it some ways, it kind of is).  If we don’t a have a partner, we are probably looking for one, and if we do, we want to make sure all of our needs are being met.  During this incredibly sweet (and incredibly terrifying) time of life, we are very focused on developing our identity and independence, along with developing intimacy¹.  This all sounds great, but in order to develop a strong sense of identity, we kind of have to grow in our independence and autonomy, and sometimes this may not work well with developing intimacy and interdependence with our partner¹.  This may be why some young adults engage in serious alternative monitoring, because it provides us with an opportunity to feel independent and develop an identity outside of the relationship, while also focusing on fostering interdependence and growing an intimate connection with our partner¹.

It can be incredibly challenging to balance the need to develop identity while also develop intimacy and dependency in a relationship.  Balancing separateness and togetherness can be a tough situation to navigate.  I can speak for myself when I say I tried that, and it didn’t turn out so well.  Interestingly, people with secure attachments tend to navigate this the best, even though it is still challenging.  In my humble opinion, growing individually as a person and discovering who you are and who you want to be is so, so, so important! Especially in college.  My friends even agree! Here is what one friend had to say:

“Realize that there are so many things in your life that bring you joy outside of a relationship and if you think you need a relationship to be happy then you’re wrong. Fall in love with yourself and go experience the world before you let a relationship rip your life apart. Get involved and stay close to your friends. Everything in this world happens for a reason.”

If you find yourself feeling stuck and uncertain, I urge to you ask yourself some questions.  What is making you uncertain? Do you see yourself growing as an individual alongside this person? Or are they just fun to have around? Are you looking for other potential partners because you crave to feel loved, or because you are scared of getting to close?  For example, those with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to daydream about being in a relationship with someone technically unavailable to them, like their bff’s boyfriend.  These questions are challenging.  If I were you, I would sit back with a nice cup of tea and a journal and work through them. 

All in all, my biggest advice to you is to stand up for yourself and what you want in a relationship.  Growing as a person and finding your identity is the most beautiful experience.  If you feel as though you are being held back, I encourage you to consider ending your relationship.  I know it seems impossible, but trust me, finding yourself is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.  Learn to love yourself in the process.  You will never, ever regret it.