Lets Talk About Sex, Baby

Alright, friends.  It’s time to get down and dirty.  We’re talking about sex.  For some, that may be a particularly exciting and invigorating topic.  For others, that may be an uncomfortable topic that brings up deeply rooted pain.  Either way, I believe it is an incredibly important topic to discuss when looking and break-ups and romantic relationships in general.

Sexual intimacy is a huge part of our lives.  While some choose to refrain from sexual intimacy until they find the one, others have sex whenever a good opportunity presents itself.  Sex is a huge part of many romantic relationships, especially during emerging adulthood.  As the research states, emerging adulthood is one of the developmental periods of the greatest self-exploration¹.  Identity development is a huge focus for us emerging adults, especially during college, and part of this self-exploration involves experimenting with sex.

All throughout our lives, our sexual attitudes and beliefs are being influenced by the media, whether we like it or not¹.  From the TV, to ads, to video games, to games we played as children, the media is consistently pouring messages into our minds regarding sex¹.  The research states that, as we have been consuming more and more sexual media content, this impacts our expectations for sex in our relationships¹.

One of the greatest ways in which the media influences our sexual intimacy is the way in which it spreads different messages for both men and women¹.  For example, on TV, men are portrayed as actively pursuing sex to prove their masculinity, whereas women are portrayed as if they are objectifying their bodies to gain the approval and attention of males¹.  Either that, or women are seen as virtuous if they abstain sexual activity¹. 

No matter which way you look at it, these influences play a role in the way us college students experiment with sex during relationships and when coping with breakups.  So, for example, given the media messages, both men and women may engage in sex as a way to feel better about themselves following a break-up.  Break-ups are significant stages of transition, and these periods of change are associated with riskier sexual behavior².  While it may not seem very risky, the research describes risky sexual behavior as:

·      Sex with multiple partners

·      Unprotected sex

·      Casual sex with strangers and/or acquaintances

Researchers choose to describe these behaviors as risky because of the impacts they generally have on our mental and physical health².  For instance, the research has shown that casual sex after a romantic-relationship break-up lowers levels of self-esteem, increases psychological distress, diminishes well-being, and may lead to more casual hook-ups fueled by substance use².

Hooking up is very common, especially in college! Researchers found that nearly 70% of college seniors reported hooking up³.  One third of students engaged in sexual intercourse, one third engaged in oral sex and manual genital stimulation, and one third engaged in kissing without genital contact³.  This particular study also found that hook-ups can become committed relationships, or exes may become sources for hook-ups³ (more about hooking up with exes in a minute!).

Another reason why break-ups are a time when people are more likely to engage in riskier sexual behaviors is because of grief and loss.  We are left not only grieving our mate, but also the sexual chemistry shared between the two of you.  When our romantic relationships end, we are left craving the intimacy we experienced during our relationships, and we tend to seek this intimacy from either strangers, friends, or our exes.  Returning to your ex in search of intimacy is something I’m pretty sure we can all say we’ve done.  And I’m pretty sure we can all agree that it created complications in our break-ups!

I asked some pals of mine who had been sexually active with their partners what their experience was after the break-up.  I got various responses, ranging from experiencing these complications of sexual intimacy after a break-up, as well as individuals not feeling complications at all.  Here’s what they had to say:

“Yes, extremely. Yes, it still complicates things. STILL. To this day. Still.”

“Intimacy definitely was a part of our relationship and I feel like that made the break up more intense for both of us considering that we meant so much to each other, but I feel that my ex had more of an issue with it than I did”

“Yes, it was part of the relationship, but we were safe, and I would not say that it complicated the break up.”

As you can see, the impacts of sexual intimacy on break-ups varies.  Some people don’t feel this confusion after their break-up and are simply ready to move on.  Others are devastated by the complications sexual intimacy can add to break-ups.  No matter where you stand on this spectrum, it’s always important to remember to be safe.  I know, I know, you hear this all the time.  But that doesn’t change the significance of being safe in your sexual relationships. Take care of yourself, kid! Your future partner will thank you.