We’ve all experienced it: anger and irritation due to lack of
sleep. I can remember countless times that I have become frustrated over my
partner simply breathing too loud when I am tired. As college students,
we are pulled in many directions and sometimes sleep ends up on the bottom of
the priority list. What we likely don’t
consider about the amount of sleep we get is how it may affect our closest
relationships. It is not unlikely for us to take out our anger on those
who we are closest with, because we trust them the most. Yet, the research is unclear if better sleep
leads to more secure romantic attachment or if secure attachment leads to
better sleep1.
The unfortunate news for all of us is that regardless or our attachment
style, we are all likely to experience sleep disturbances1, some
just more than others. Whether it’s the snoring or our attachment, our
chances of getting more sleep don’t seem great. For those of us who
experience anxious attachment and may feel supremely vulnerable in our current
or potential relationships, we may face sleep challenges due to overthinking a
situation, AKA ruminating1.
“I lay there
and think and think and think, and before I know it, its 2AM.”
It can be very frustrating when we can’t seem to fall asleep
because we are overthinking every moment of seeing our crush from across
campus, especially because today he smiled back. This giddy emotion can
become too much to handle and all we can think about is maybe running into him
again tomorrow. But then, the giddiness turns to terror and all we can think is
what if he only smiled because I was having a bad hair day or my makeup looked
like a clown? Even worse, what if I am just not good enough for any
relationship? All of these thoughts can keep us up to all hours of the night
and may resemble those of us with anxious attachment; those of us who may be
losing sleep because we find ourselves overthinking every detail.
On the other hand, those of us with avoidant attachment styles may
be suppressing emotions and feeling as though we have needs unmet by our
partner, which is also a contributor to sleep disturbances1.
Those of us with this attachment style may see the same crush on campus
and try to suppress the true emotions we are feeling because we don’t want to
get our hopes up. Or, we may not even be truly interested, but our biology is
making us feel like we are. Even though we may not be overthinking, we
are still likely to lose sleep while making an effort to calm our biological
systems.
Regardless of which of these categories we fall under, any
emotional distress or conflict with our partner will likely lead to decreased
sleep for the night1.
Sleep is a major factor of self-care in the lives of us college
students. It’s something we heavily rely on to focus and be engaged in
the present moment. Despite the many factors of relationships that could
be keeping us awake, it is important to recognize why we may be losing sleep.
First, try just becoming aware of your rumination or suppression, and remind
yourself that you are normal. Many other people are doing exactly what you are
doing, at this exact same moment! And then,maybe give a creative solution
a try. While we likely can’t change our day or experiences with a partner or
crush, we can try listening to music, consuming less caffeine, or putting down
screens an hour before bed. These may
not be full-proof, but give them a shot next time you see your crush or stay
something stupid to your SO and can’t seem to sleep.
1Adams, G. C., &
McWilliams, L. A. (2015). Relationships between adult attachment style ratings
and sleep disturbances in a nationally representative sample. Journal of
Psychosomatic Research, 79(1), 37–42. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2014.12.017
I enjoyed reading this blog post and agree that sleep is a very important part of life. Reading this made me reflect on my own sleep habits and think about how I often use sleep to avoid problems or stay up late ruminating on things that I could have done better or need to do. When in a relationship, I would't want to go to sleep feeling angry if my partner and I were fighting and felt the effects of emotional distress with my lack of sleep the next day. I enjoyed the strategies discussed to correct sleep habits and am going to try to put down screens an hour before bed to help me relax and try not to overthink things.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't aware that you could potentially be losing sleep due to your attachment style. However, it makes sense because a more insecure attachment style may cause you to overthink about what your partner is doing or rethink about what you need in that relationship. Also, depending on what kind of attachment style, the way that you are thinking about your relationships can be different. For example, avoidant attachment style suppresses emotions. I think its very interesting to think about how our biology may play a big role in how we feel about something and that causes us to lose sleep. Its unfortunate because sleep is such an essential part of our development and necessary for our self-care and well being.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was incredibly interesting to me. As a college student, there are numerous amounts of times where I prioritize almost anything going on in my day-to-day life, instead of sleep. I have always had a problem with sleeping, especially once I got into college, and was never sure how to fix it. Aligned with what you were saying, I have been able to sleep a little better because I am realizing why I can’t sleep and taking action to how to calm myself down. It was really interesting for me to see the connection of relationships to troubles sleeping, as I never saw that as an issue until now.
ReplyDeleteThis blog point had a very interesting viewpoint regarding how attachment style can impact the quality of sleep an individual gets. Laying awake at night is something I am definitely familiar with and taking a second to think about it, the things that usually keep me up at night are things that I can't control like feeling giddy over the conversation I had with my crush that day. I remember there was a period in my life when falling asleep got so hard for me due to overthinking that I would have to take NyQuil almost every night just to be able to fall asleep before 2AM. Thankfully I have adopted a few healthier behaviors to help me fall asleep quicker at night; things like doing yoga or diffusing essential oils such as lavender right before bed helps me relax and quiet my mind so that it is easier for me to fall asleep.
ReplyDeleteThis post is very relatable. I know that I often times lose sleep due to my ruminating and I can definitely see it impact my relationship. Additionally, my boyfriend works early in the morning, and sometimes on long days he will come home and be quiet and more to himself than usual. In response to that I am anxious thinking that I did something wrong or something is wrong in our relationship. This is due to my anxious attachment style. I can definitely see that sleep impacts our moods and in turn impacts the way that we act towards one another. This post is super interesting because I identify that this is happening but I have never linked it to attachment.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this blog and found it interesting. I recently just got the Fitbit Versa and it tracks my sleep every night. It tells me how long I was awake throughout the night, as well as how long I spent in each other stage. I am beginning to realize that the days I am more stressed and have more on my mind, my time spent awake during the night increases. I honestly have never considered how attachment style can have an impact on a person's quality of sleep. I would describe myself as having an anxious attachment style and I can definitely see how that has had an impact on my quality of sleep. In some situations though, I feel like it has actually caused me to be more tired and sleep even more. I would be interested in learning more if my attachment style has also been a factor to that.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog post and found it very relatable as a college student. We are exhausted a lot of times with high expectations and assignments that seem to be never ending. I never had the realization that our attachment styles affected our sleep especially since being an anxious person. Having a long-term partner, I never thought that I could be going to bed with suppressed emotions which can contribute to less sleep. This post was relatable as a college student and that attachment style was something never thought about and found it very easy to identify with.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. It was very well written and it was a post that I believe most people could relate to. As I was reading this article, there were automatically things that I was relating to, like the thinking about your crush on campus and overthinking this one small gesture that it starts taking over your mind and causing you to lose sleep. I have learned that I have anxious attachment, and I relate deeply to losing sleep over a very small event that happened in my day to day life. I think it is interesting to think about all of the different reactions people have to the same event but this all happens because of their different attachment styles. I believe that it is important to understand your attachment style because it helps you better understand your reactions and feelings toward relationships and will help you better deal with the issues that come with them.
ReplyDeleteReading your article gave one the understanding on how simple ideas in ones consciousness can develop to big problems which end up disrupting our total biology. It makes one be aware about the thoughts that room the spaces in our brain. Even more, it makes you aware that each moment does play a crucial part of your live and if one is in the present moment one can actually miss the things that matter the most. Going back to the main topic in this article, sleep is what helps us retain who are and the experiences we have gone through. Additionally, our brains can't tell the difference between what is real and what is imagination so why lose sleep over something that doesn't exist and let life show you the true destiny this life holds for you. Just believe this life is treating you greatly and with such belief one will encounter that reality. This is my perspective and others can say differently. Again I enjoyed the read, thanks!
ReplyDeleteThis blog discusses not being able to sleep and the frustration that can cause an individual. Everyone has been there and everyone has gone through that anger and tossing and turning of not being able to fall asleep. I found it to be interesting that a healthier sleeping lifestyle can bring better relationships. The blog also discusses the issue of overthinking and that having such an effect on a person's sleep. This is potentially due to an anxious attachment and avoidant attachment of constantly being silent to a partner with emotions and not being able to open up. It's important for me to sleep, especially at this stage of my life with school and balancing my friendships and romantic relationships. I end up personally struggling with the overwhelming feeling of overthinking, like this blog discussed. If I don't get enough sleep due to these subconscious issues I end up going into a scary head space where I'm detached from reality and struggle to know what's real.
ReplyDeleteI have personally never thought to relate ones attachment style to sleep quality/disturbances however it makes so much sense. I was having a conversation with one of my mentors and some friends a couple weeks ago about how I have been having a hard time sleeping because I just can’t seem to shut off my mind at night, and now I see so clearly how it has to do with my attachment styles. I am insecure avoidant in my relationships however with my friends and in social situations I am anxious. I find that I suppress my emotions and find it difficult to calm my mind at any point in the day, so why would the night be any different. Thank you so much for this insight!
ReplyDeleteHi Jordan! I resonated a lot with your blog because oftentimes, I can not sleep. When you talked about ruminating on a situation that leads to a lack of sleep, many memories came to mind. Having a disagreement with a loved one can lead me to toss and turn for hours replaying what happened, and trying to think of what I should do next. Or like you mentioned, ruminating on the “what-ifs” is big for me too. Such as “what-if they do not like me because of this.” But because I know this about myself, I take proactive measures, such as releasing stress and tiring out my body through working out. I also just do relaxing activities such as watching my favorite show so I can be in a better mindset before bed. Thank you for the other suggestions too! Great post!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has had a lot of difficulties when it comes to sleeping, I found this blog post extremely interesting! I have struggled with insomnia for a good portion of my adolescent and young adult years. The exhaustion that my insomnia causes makes many things in my life difficult. Moreover, I have an avoidant attachment style, and I have definitely suppressed my hopeful thinking when it comes to having a crush on someone as I've lied awake at night unable to sleep. After some reflection, I have realized that the thoughts and biological response I have as a result of having a crush are things that have made my insomnia worse at times. Thank you for sharing this post! It made me realize that my avoidant attachment style can affect me even when I am not in a romantic relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who spends her nights lying awake with racing thoughts about what feels like everything under the sun, thank you for making me not feel alone. The thoughts you shared about seeing your crush on campus seem like exactly the thoughts that would go through my head. I personally believe I have an anxious attachment style but it was interesting to read about how avoidant attachment styles also can lead to sleep disturbances. You made an interesting point about people with avoidant attachment styles losing sleep not because they are overthinking, but because they are trying to calm their biological systems. I love how you normalized anxious thoughts and gave your readers great tips on how to help reduce sleep disturbances.
ReplyDeleteWhen thinking about how my relationships impact my sleep, I realize that my relationship anxiety often negatively impacts my sleeping habits. I often find myself awake in the early hours of the morning ruminating on interactions I have had with those who are close to me. I get to a place where I either want to call them in that moment to get reassurance, or deleted their number and block them so I don't have to ever talk to them again and risk getting hurt. These thoughts frequently happen at the same time, causing more stress and anxiety. This cycle leaves me unable to interact with others in a way the I feel good about, further feeding the cycle.
ReplyDeleteI definitely fall under the avoidant attachment style and suppress my emotions. I love to talk about other people's emotions and respect their attachment style but when it's about me I tend to push away. I also find it so difficult to stay on a consistent sleep schedule and as a busy college student myself I agree we put our sleep at the bottom of the priority list. I’m always regretting not getting enough sleep during the week because I know when I do get good sleep I perform so much better in everything, including school work. With good sleep, I’m certainly more patient with my relationships or as mentioned in the blog that one person that keeps my mind occupied!
ReplyDeleteI REALLY value my sleep. I will be the person to put homework off until the next day just to make sure I get the 8 hours of sleep my body wants. I struggle with mental health issues like anxiety and depression so I know that I am more at risk to have run-in's with them when I am tired during the day. Recently, I got into an argument with my ex about boundries. I found myself up thinking and maybe shedding a tear or two about it until 2:30 in the morning. That combined with being sick, I ended up in and out of sleep until 4am. I felt the effects of it today. I am confliced on what attachment style I am, I feel I share qualities across all of them. I am curious to know which I actually am and see how that relates to my sleep and relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis post was pleasant. As someone with a fear-avoidant attachment style, I could relate to both sides of having a crush: not wanting to get my hopes up, while also overthinking and ruminating about what everything might mean. Even though I am now married, I can say that the ruminating does not stop, but it does not get worse either. It stays the same. For example, my partner might tell me I smell nice one day, and then the next day I do the same routine and do not get the same comment. That tiny difference can easily send me into overthinking mode. One method that helped me manage is creating a calming bedtime routine. I put on an uninteresting audiobook or the Bible, regardless of my beliefs, it lulls me to sleep. It might not always lead to the best night’s sleep, but it helps break the cycle of ruminating.
ReplyDelete