As we go through breakups, or any type of grief for that
matter, it is not uncommon for us to turn to faith or spirituality. We want to understand the purpose behind the
pain. We seek to find comfort and
peace. We desire to know WHY ME??
For some, depending upon religious beliefs, breakups may
feel like what researchers have called a sacred
loss1. For example, if
you believed that your ex had been God’s answer to your prayers, or you and
your ex shared similar belief systems, it may feel like a personal
manifestation of God was lost when you lost your partner1. For some, breakups may feel as though a
sacred part of life was violated, and as though there should be someone to
blame for our heartache1 (the official term for this is desecration). In many of these moments, we may turn to God
as the one to blame1. We may
experience God as distant or punishing, or question God’s love1. If you do not identify as religious, then the
loss of the relationship may be less about God about more about a sudden shift
in your worldview. Following a breakup,
life may not seem as predictable or happy or secure.
On the other hand, breakups may take on a different
meaning. The loss of a romantic
relationship may lead us to find significant spiritual meaning1. We may find relief in believing that this was
part of God’s plan for us1.
We may cope with our loss by seeking the presence of God or searching
for divine comfort and direction1.
We may forgive our partners for the way they hurt us or may even seek
forgiveness for ourselves1. Or,
maybe you don’t believe in God, and find comfort and peace in spirituality,
such as yoga or meditation.
SO many students cope with the loss of their romantic
relationships by either turning towards or away from God or spirituality. Both of these scenarios are completely valid.
These experiences are incredibly common, so much so that both responses
were common among my friends.
“The breakup totally changed
my spirituality. I feel as though I no
longer have a connection with God. I
used to feel somewhat of a connection. I
have stopped attending church almost entirely.
Mostly my spiritual side of my life has disappeared, or become focused
on different things entirely”
“I am spiritual person and found peace in yoga and meditation.”
“Oh boy oh boy was my faith a huge part of the healthy healing. There was little to no doubt in my mind that God
intervened when he did. It was by far the most toxic relationship I have ever
been in and He was gracious to pull me out. He then surrounded me with friends,
family and even a new relationship. There were many days when I was in full
hysterics over how it ended, and I would feel this strange peace flood me as I
began to realize the freedom that
came with this break up. There was also immense comfort. I had to dive into the
legal and court system unwillingly after this break up and there were multiple
occasions when I felt the Lord sit right down beside me as I struggled through
paperwork or tough phone calls.”
Even though we vary on how we respond to a break-up
spiritually, it should be noted that the research has found similar outcomes for
both positive and negative spiritual responses1. Viewing a breakup as a sacred loss or
desecration (more of a negative response) is associated with more religious and
spiritual struggles, depression, and distress1. However, these struggles also lead to great
spiritual and personal growth1.
On the other hand, relying on God and spirituality (seen as a more
positive response) also leads to incredible spiritual and personal growth.
Why are there similar outcomes for very different
approaches, you might ask? Well, it has been theorized that the more people are
in distress, the more they tend to turn towards faith and meaning-making to
cope with their strenuous life events1. While individuals that turn towards this
right as their relationship ends have an easier post-breakup adjustment,
individuals who struggle with their faith and spirituality still grow spiritually and personally after a breakup1.
I can speak from personal experience when I say that my
breakup helped me grow immensely, both as a person and in my relationship with God. When I needed comfort, God was there. When I needed peace, God was there. The growth that I experienced by relying on
my faith after my breakup has been incredibly life changing, and I do not
believe I would be the person I am today without it. No matter what you believe or what your
spiritual life may entail, I challenge you to turn towards faith and
spirituality. Even if you feel angry,
mad, or upset with God, you will grow spiritually and personally
in your struggle. The research even says
so! Find faith and growth in the
fallout.
This really resonates with me, personally. I was raised Catholic, and so even looking for a relationship was not something that was strongly encouraged. My family always said, "take all of the energy that you would put into seeking for a relationship, and build a relationship with God instead." I always agreed with those words of advice, and I always believed that having a strong relationship with God would lead to a strong relationship with my significant other. Falling into a relationship I believed simply happened along my path and falling out of it as well was also a part of my path. I would say that having this strong relationship with God always did help me through the headaches and heartaches. And, although sometimes I felt angry, knowing that there is a set plan for myself put in place by God always soothed me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I always found it interesting how no matter how strong my relationship with God was, it always felt weaker as I was in relationships (certain relationships). Relationships are so influential, and I found that I had to find someone with the same love and respect towards God in oder for myself to be happy.
It is interesting to know, that pulling away from God is just as valid as pulling towards him. I would love to know more about the topic.
I really enjoyed reading this blog post about faith in relationships and breakups. Though I have never been through a breakup, my faith and my relationship with God is an extremely important part of my life, and I feel that this relationship would play an important role in a breakup. Though I myself have never been through a breakup, I have seen many close friends go through breakups. I've noticed that lot of my friends who have gone through breakups who do have a relationship with God and who really rely on their faith in various situations in life found these breakups to be not necessarily easier, but to be more empowering and more as sources of growth than did other friends who did not have this faith to confide in.
ReplyDeleteI really loved reading this post. As a spiritual person myself, I have seen both sides of the spectrum in regards to break-ups. In high school, I did a lot of the blame-game with God and blamed God for ruining my (what I thought was) great relationship. However, in college, I've seen God bring various men into and out of my life, and it's been so much easier to cope with having God because I trust that there is a reason for each relationship, and a reason for it ending. I think it is interesting, too, how you wrote about how people can have various "Gods", and where someone finds their spirituality doesn't matter much in terms of the research. I have friends who find their spirituality in yoga, and self love, so it was interesting for me to connect it to that.
ReplyDeleteBeing raised Catholic, this response was very relatable for me. Personally, my break up brought me much closer to God, and I grew immensely in my faith and my personal spirituality. At first though, this was not the case. When my break up was new and fresh, I turned away from God and lost my way with him. I was confused, hurt, angry, lost and overall, just wasn't myself at all. My family was very worried about me because they said I was no longer myself, I wasn't happy. When my family finally told me they were so worried about me, this is when I started to turn to God for support and guidance. In this process, I found healing and comfort. I grew closer to God than I ever thought possible. He proved to me that the relationship was toxic, and it was no longer meant to be. He helped me realize things I would have never been able to go on my own. It is very interesting to know that both scenarios mentioned can bring you somewhat closer to healing. It is just personal, and it depends on your relationship with God in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to look into spiritual viewpoints on relationships, as I am a recently converted Christian. This blog talks about how losing a romantic relationship often leads to two paths. Along with other factors, losing my romantic relationship led to a spiritual path. Although this didn’t happen immediately after the relationship ended, it definitely led me to wonder more about a higher spiritual meaning to life, which has now changed my life for the better and makes me see relationships differently. Even though my new found faith has made dating somewhat challenging, I learned to enjoy the waiting season and completely trust in God’s plans for my life, which includes choosing the right person for me.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated this post, it brought up things that I haven't fully thought about. After some rough patches with my boyfrend, I didnt realize how much it impacted my sense of meaning and trust in the world. I didn't necessarily get angry at God, but I definitely felt confused and disconnected from the sense of peace and faith I usually have. Over time, I started journaling and praying more, and that really helped me rebuild my spiritual connection. I really enjoyed how this post validates both struggle and growth that can come from its. Its nice to know that even spiritual doubt can lead to healing and strengh.
ReplyDelete