So far in this blog, we’ve talked a lot about the grief that
ensues when our romantic relationships end.
We are left grieving the loss of that person in our lives, and it’s in
those times that we need the support of friends and family the most. But what happens when the people closest to
us don’t recognize the loss of our partner as a grieving experience? That can
sure make us feel pretty crappy.
When some relationships end, the people around us may feel
overjoyed and relieved that the relationship is finally over. The relationship may have been really
unhealthy, and the people closest to you may be overjoyed to see you not in a
toxic relationship any longer. For some
individuals, abuse may have been part of the relationship. Whether that was verbal, emotional, physical,
or sexual abuse, the people closest to us, I would imagine, are relieved
knowing we are free from that abuse.
Knowing that you are free from toxic and unhealthy
relationships may prompt our friends and family to not recognize the grief we
experience. In their minds, it’s like
“Wow, this relationship is finally over! You can finally be free and happy!”, when in reality you are still going
through a large transition.
Let’s face it, there was something initially very attractive
about your ex-partner that drew you to them in the first place. And, you would not have stayed in the relationship
for very long if you did not start to develop romantic feelings towards
them. These special feelings develop
over time, and you start to grow very close to them. At first, it’s all sunshine and rainbows and
giggles, and you build happy memories with them. Then, as time goes on, it may start to slowly
get a little less sunny and become a little rainier. This may lead to conflict, and conflict may
lead to what researchers call the “process of escalation”1.
This “process of escalation” happens when conflict starts to
become verbal abuse1. Then
the verbal abuse becomes physical abuse1. Poor conflict management skills and stress
can grow small issues into fights, and verbal lashing into physically lashing
out1. This becomes what is
known as intimate partner violence1.
Even in situations of intimate partner violence, individuals
may grieve the loss of their partner, yet they may not feel like their support
system recognizes their need to grieve.
This is called disenfranchised grief2. Disenfranchised grief occurs when an
individual experiences a sense of loss, but the loss does not seem socially
acceptable to grieve2. Not
feeling supported in your grief, even in abusive relationships, is a case of
disenfranchised grief, my friends.
Social support is crucial to moving through grief, and not
feeling supported or loved in this hard time may minimize the big loss in our
lives2. When we don’t have a
support system, we are left feeling like we have to go through this life
changing and super hard time by ourselves.
No fun.
Support systems are no joke.
I’ve mentioned them many, many times throughout this series of blogs,
and I know it may seem redundant, but I truly believe they are the key to
surviving breakups. My friends even
agree, so I must kind of know what I’m talking about.
“I
had a very significant support system including my mom, dad, sister, all of my
friends, my coworkers, etc. It was the most helpful part of my breakup.”
“My
coworkers were significantly supportive, and my best friend was there for every
single thing that happened. She is my
entire rock and helped me through this entire situation”
If the people closest to you do not seem to recognize the grief
you may be feeling, know that you are
not crazy. Even if the relationship
was toxic and everyone is happy to see it end, you are still going through a
significant change, and it is ok to feel sad. You are not insane for wanting to mourn the
loss of your partner, and while people may make it seem like you are, trust in
the fact that you are not alone.
Disenfranchised grief happens to the best of us.
I recently broke up with someone who I thought I was going to spend a large majority of my life with. We dated for two years until one day when he told me that he did not see a future with me because he did not want my schizophrenic genes to taint his bloodline if we had children (my mother has schizophrenia). Upon hearing this I knew that we could not be together anymore and my world was turned upside down. It was hard to hear the person you thought was the love of your life target your biggest insecurity and make you feel dirty and unworthy. Unfortunately I had to go through this on my own because all my friends did not seem to understand the impact this had on me and were unable to put themselves in my shoes for how I was feeling and why I thought this was such a big deal. However, the break up blues don’t last forever and once the healing starting it was amazing to see how much I grew and realized the type of people I wanted to surround myself with.
ReplyDeleteI dated someone for two years while in high school. Our relationship was happy, healthy, and romantic for about the first six months. After that, things quickly started to go downhill and become toxic. He became jealous, possessive, and never made me feel good about myself. Instead of complimenting me, he would get angry at me if I wore certain items of clothing. For example, he never wanted me to wear leggings to school, even if I found them to be more comfortable. He always made everything seem like my fault, and would turn himself into the victim. An apology was something I never received from him. I knew that I was never happy, however it was incredibly hard for me to end the relationship. Every time I would try, he would promise me that things would change because he couldn’t live without me. I was also scared because part of me did not know how to live without him. When I left for college, he still had a year left in high school. After one week of being away from him, I came to a realization of how unhappy I was. I knew that this was not something I wanted to put myself through any longer. I ended the relationship very quickly after that. This story relates to this blog because none of my friends or family liked him or our relationship. Everyone knew it was toxic, including me. Just like this blog says, everyone was so happy after the relationship was over. However, I still found myself to be incredibly sad. I felt lost, hurt, and confused about why I let him treat me so poorly for so long. I like this blog because it acknowledges that people may still be sad after ending a toxic relationship, even if they knew themselves that it was not good for them.
ReplyDeleteI have only experienced one difficult break up, after high school when I was going out of state for college. It was hard for a little bit, but I got over it pretty quick because I was in a new state with new people and so much excitement. My relationship was sad to leave but understood by both of us that it was for the best. I cannot relate to these devastating break ups that people have experienced, as I have been in a relationship now for 2+ years. I do know that if I break up with my current partner that I WILL need support and constant help from others. I believe a partner can become a major attachment figure, especially if you do not have a strong attachment with one or more of your parents like me. I love that you recognize that a breakup is a MAJOR grieving process. I would agree that it is the biggest type of disenfranchised grief. This breaks my heart because so many people desperately need help, but might not get it.
ReplyDeleteI think support systems are very important, especially when going through a break up. However, if the support system allows time for grief. I think if the support system does not allow time for the person to grieve over their break up can cause more damage than good. I think it can make the person feel more alone and vulnerable, if the support system is happy about the breakup and being insensitive about the other person's feelings. I think it is hard for people to see when they are in a bad or unhealthy relationships. It is important if your love one is in unhealthy relationship to support them through the tough time and be patient with their healing process.
ReplyDeleteI was in a relationship for two years. In the beginning it was all rainbow and sunshine and the first year was the best year of my life. I knew I could spend the rest of my life with this person and I was ready to make that commitment. My ex had a lot of issues with his father and never really knew him or a had a lot of contact with him. This brought out a lot of anger and hurt. Prior to our relationship he would take it out on his mother constantly yelling and calling her names. I noticed he began to take it out on me about 6 months before we broke up. It started out as just yelling and started getting worse punching walls and the bed etc. I never realized that this would be consider as partner violence until I was out of the relationship. I thought that it was my fault and that I was doing something to trigger him. Following our break up I struggled with these thoughts of guilt everyday. My friends couldn't see why I was struggling so much because they kept saying I should be happy its over because he treated me so poorly. I felt very isolated during this time and once I finally came to terms that it wasn't my fault and these issues were ones I couldn't fix, I was able to grieve properly. I then was able to let in my social support systems and without them I wouldn't be where I am today. They are solely the reason I recovered from that breakup and I am extremely grateful for them!
ReplyDeleteI thought the article was interesting to read. I feel a lot of people don’t have that social support so they usually try and cope with it on their own. I see a lot of people try to deal with breakups with doing drugs, alcohol, risky hookups, and binge eating. I know some of my friends personally feel when they break up with someone they try and not to speak up about the feelings they are having because it shows signs of weakness in themselves. I however think that for many people by talking the problem out with others or even with selves out load can help them with getting by the problems they are having. Lastly, self-care by still eating health and working out can help them with getting over there losses.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post explained my feelings perfectly with my last break up. My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years, but the last year felt like it was constant fighting and bickering and not seeing eye to eye with each other. I thought I would never get out of this relationship and when I did I thought I would feel "happy and free". However, that was not the case. I felt so sad and although that was normal, my loved ones did not realize how much I just lost. My best friends would tell me how I have been so unhappy the past year and this gives me a chance to start over and find myself. That did not make me feel better because I never felt more lost, especially with my ex not in my life anymore. I definitely felt like I was going through Disenfranchised grief. This article made me realize I did go through a grieving period. Looking back now, it was essential to grief and get over my toxic relationship. Although my friends did not see why I was so sad, they still were a huge support system and I believe that made my grieving period much easier to go through.
ReplyDeleteOne of my best friends, who was also my roommate, went through a breakup last year in our sophomore year together. I've known her since freshman year of high school and we've been great friends since. She began dating this guy that I never liked from the start and she partially knew this but we never actually talked about it. They were dating for about two years and I could not stand them being together. When they finally broke up over the summer, I was so happy because personally to me he was one of the worst people I had ever known and did not deserve to be with her, that might be a little biased but I'll always feel that way towards him. The reason why I say this is because he cheated on her within the first month dating, tried to cheat on her again with a good friend of ours which ended a friendship, constantly tried to get with other girls while she was away at college, and was emotionally abusive towards her plus many other things that are too long to write. The school year following that summer, my friend became withdrawn and fell into a state of depression. I felt that it was my duty to be her support system because she did not seem like herself anymore. Through the whole first semester I spent every second keeping her preoccupied with fun activities to help her remove the cloud she kept over her head. Before the breakup, we would never talk about her relationship with this guy, but after the break up we spent so much time talking about everything. She told me things I would have never known and everything that he had ever done to hurt her. She let out everything slowly throughout the semester and we had many emotional talks about it all. Now she is doing amazing and there is no more cloud above her head. She learned how to love herself and it made our relationship grow. I did not realize how much of an impact a relationship could cause for someone. She was grieving and I never realized it. I would never talk terrible about him because I knew she love him, instead I was supportive and would listen to her and showed her how she can overcome it slowly. I'm always grateful that I was there to be her support system when she needed it and I don't know how she would have made it without me being on full support for her. I hope that anyone who has a friend with a broken heart take it seriously because you may be the only way they can overcome their grief.
ReplyDeleteThe blog post explained how my friend went through and felt after she broke up with her partner. As her friend, I was glad she broke up with the guy. I did not like the way he treated her or how he used her for his own benefit. Many people close to her would tell her that he was not worth it. When they broke up, everyone around her was happy but she was not. She was sad and no one knowledge it. Going through this blog post, I realized that it is fine to grief and grieving after a break up is normal. Even if the partner was abusive.
ReplyDeleteI recently broke up with my ex in January of 2021, and so far it has been such a weird journey for me. At first, I mourned our relationship and everything that would be lost. But, as time progressed we started to become really close friends. Instead of feeling the void and absence of a breakup, I gained a best friend. While this is very rare and even a little weird. I think that it has helped me feel free from our semi-toxic relationship, and also gain a friend along the way. So, personally I have never felt “disenfranchised grief” but I can see how this affects people and how deep it can hurt.
ReplyDeleteI was recently broken up with at the very beginning of September, and I'm still in the grieving process of getting over him and moving on. I've done the mourning and talked endlessly about said ex, and yet, I still feel the hurt I felt ever since it happened. Though the relationship itself wasn't abusive, there were actions done by my ex that I have now realized to be manipulative. Though I have had a great support system, there are times when I feel like I cannot grieve the relationship I had with him because of how he treated me, leaving me feeling "disenfranchised grief". Despite this, I know that I still have my friends, family, and community to turn to about my feelings. They have been my rock throughout this entire transition process, and I don't think I would have been able to heal as much as I have without them.
ReplyDelete