Let’s be real, we all want to find our person. We all want to find that one person who knows
our deepest secrets, makes us laugh, supports us in whatever we do, and is a
best friend all in one. Romantic
relationships are a really big deal! In fact, finding a partner to spend the
rest of our lives with is seen as a huge priority to us college kids1.
One of the factors that drastically impacts the way we connect
and dive in to our romantic relationships is our attachment style.
The idea behind attachment was first described by Bowlby as
the emotional bond that forms between children and their parents. The different attachment styles defined by
Bowlby’s research partner, Mary Ainsworth, include:
* Feel free to click on these
links to read blogs previously posted regarding each of these different
attachment styles, what they mean, and tips and tricks to help adjust your
attachment style to a more secure attachment! *
Attachment plays an enormously huge role in the way we navigate relationships. It doesn’t just impact the relationships we
have with our parents and our families, it impacts our relationships with
friends, as well as our romantic relationships1. Our attachment style greatly impacts the way
we interact with others in moments of joy and moments of conflict, as well as
influences the way we handle the end of relationships1.
Since attachments are so significant in our relationships,
it comes as no surprise that attachment style incredibly affects the quality of
romantic relationships and break-ups in college. In general, secure attachments adjust better
to the challenges life throws at us. During
break-ups, individuals with a secure attachment typically have a faster emotional recovery than
others. Having a secure attachment helps
individuals to rationally think through their break-up, while also seeking
advice from positive relationships. On
the other hand, having less of a secure attachment leads to decreased
relationship satisfaction, which leads to more difficulty handling conflicts,
which leads to more break-ups1.
Yikes!
That’s not all, though.
Our attachment style impacts the way we grieve, too. Avoidant attachment style is related to more
avoidant coping strategies and instrumental grief responses, which is a fancy
way of saying they try to think things through in their minds and avoid reminders of their partners. On the other hand, anxious attachment style
is related to anxious coping strategies and intuitive grief responses, such as worrying, ruminating, and convincing
yourself you will never be lucky in love.
Individuals with less attachment security struggle in other
areas of their life after a break up as well1. Researchers have found that those who are
more anxiously attached typically feel more distressed about their break-up and
struggle in school1. Also,
both anxious and avoidant attachments are more likely to reach for the alcohol
while grieving their break-ups1.
After reading this, you may be thinking to yourself “Geez,
if I don’t have a secure attachment style, then I must be seriously
screwed.” Not going to lie, I thought
this myself when I first read through the research. It sounds brutal! When I reached out to my
friends to see how they handled their break-ups, a majority of them mentioned
how important it was to get support from their loved ones. Whereas people who are more anxious may be
comfortable in a face-to-face heart-to-heart interaction, those who are more
avoidant may have an easier time opening up while doing an “activity” like
hiking or biking. Either way, taking the
risk to get support is a healthy way
to handle a break-up that may lead to more securely attached relationships in
the future, which is something we all want, right?
“Having my friends and family surrounding me constantly made it an
easier process. I think the most
effective thing I did was surround myself with positive people that love me.
That way I felt comforted and would rarely feel alone. My support system was
the most helpful part of my break-up!”
Don’t be discouraged if you identify with an anxious or
avoidant attachment. I know, the impacts
seem drastic, however, there are ways you can help shift your attachment to a
more secure style. Here are some tips
supported by the research:
·
Understand your attachment style
·
Believe that you are normal and that so many
other people have similar struggles
·
Pay attention to what triggers you in
relationships and how you respond
·
Notice what attachment styles you find yourself
gravitating towards
o
Work to understand your partner’s attachment
style so you can work through
·
Take risks! Express your feelings. I know it can sound scary, but it is worth
it!
Feel free to look through past blog posts as well! There are
lots of tips and tricks there to help you every step of the way.
I really like your blog post. I've recently gone through a breakup in the past year and it's been very hard on me. I've noticed that when I don't have as much social support as I'd like that I tend to drift back to my ex. Sometimes I feel like I overwhelm my friends when talking about my past relationship too much, but this blog made me feel better. I've always been a more anxious person, which is why I think it's taken so long to really move on, because I like to focus on things and obsess over them, whereas my ex likes to avoid them. It's been a struggle, but this blog really helped make me feel like there's no one right way to get over a relationship and getting to know myself more is going to help overall.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your blog post, thank you for sharing. I have found from reading this article and from learning in my HDFS 402 class that its hard to tell what type of attachment style you are. For me, it really seems like it depends on the situation I am in and what type of attachment style I follow. However, in general, it definitely seems as though I am more anxious. I think this primarily stems from my child/adolescent years. I had a pretty rough childhood of three divorces, moving three times, and being in and out of the court system as an adolescent. I think all of these rough past experiences made me a little more nervous than the average person. So, as I have grown older, I have noticed that in my relationships, it is common for me to feel like I need constant reassurance and a change of plans triggers me. I think this triggers me because when individuals change what I have planned, it makes me feel unimportant, which brings back feelings of how I felt when I was younger. I currently have a boyfriend that I have been with for two years, and although I think my anxious style gets in the way sometimes, I think it helps that we have communicated about certain things that trigger me and he is consistently understanding. My boyfriend being so secure in his relationships with others and me, helps me learn what its like to feel secure with others and with him. Overall, I thought your blog post was very professional, error-free and engaging!
ReplyDeleteI really loved reading this blog post! It is incredibly beneficial to read a blog post that is backed up with evidence but also includes real life stories and situations that made this post even more relatable. It especially helped me because I have recently realized that I have an anxious attachment style and that realization tends to make me even more stressed about my relationship with my boyfriend then I already was to begin with, yet you offered tips to help me understand my attachment style as well as ways to begin developing a secure style. I have already begun to try to implement some of these tips into my current relationship, in order to have a healthier and happier relationship. Thank you for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteWhat I found so interesting about this was that I never knew that we base our relationships off of the relationships that we had with our parents, and I also never knew that our attachment style could be so telling to our relationship not just with our partners but with our family and friend relationships too, I also didint know our attachment styles played a huge role in how we grieve as well.
ReplyDeleteMiranda, I loved reading this blog post! I think attachment style is something that many do not consider when navigating their relationship, or possibly something that some individuals are not knowledgeable about. I believe that I have been securely attached in the relationships that I have been in because I have been able to quickly recover from breakups in the past. This used to worry me, as I thought that maybe I was never able to emotionally attach to others due to being able to quickly recover after breakups . However, after learning about attachment styles in my HDFS classes and form this blog post, it makes more sense to me that I have healed from breakups or ended friendships due to my attachment style. I have been very independent since I was little, and I think that this has something to with the way I navigate my place in a relationship, or ending a relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post! I appreciate your thoughts and the addition of research information!
I loved reading this blog post because it discusses things I have struggled with. I have felt what it is like to have less attachment security and then struggle in school because of all the built-up stress. After one hard break-up, I was at a low point and struggled not only in school but with my friendships as well. Discussing my emotions and getting everything out helped my friendships grow stronger and I realized it also helped me feel more secure in those friendships. Learning about this in HDFS has helped me understand how attachments work and I feel as though this post brought everything together to make it stick in my head and completely understand it. I now love making secure attachments with my friends and include them in major events in my life and it has made our friendships so much better than when I was nervous about discussing my life with them.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThe type of attachment you have with a caregiver when you are young impacts how you view and create relationships as you get older. This can be romantic relationships, friendships, family members,and many other relationships you may develop in early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. I agreed with the authors point that, based on John Bowlby’s and Mary Ainsworth's definition of attachment that if you are a securely attached person you ability to handle challenges in a relationship will not be as hard as for someone who may be more insecurely attached. A person who is seculty attached may see it as a learning opportunity and move forward whereas someone who is insecurely attached might take a break up hard and have an internal locus of control and feel like they have less control over their circumstances. I also liked her comment on how anxious people might enjoy doing an activity to open up. I was able to relate to how I feel more comfortable talking about personal things things to my loved ones. If I am sitting still to this day it is easier for me to ignore an uncomfortable question if I am being asked while I am sitting down. I feel this may have something to do with feeling boxed in. Overall, social support definitely helps when facing relationship difficulties. My question is how do you do that if none of the relationships you have a stable?
Miranda, I loved reading this blog post because not only did it relate directly to my personal relationships and attachment style, but also how I can support my friends during a break-up. When I first started reading this blog and thinking about my own attachment style, immediately I felt uncomfortable and a little upset that I do not have a secure attachment style. I felt that because I do not have a secure attachment, no relationship will every work out and I was just doomed from the start. However, you positivity and encouragement, as well as your tips to developing a secure attachment were extremely helpful and made me feel more at ease with my own attachment style. Furthermore, the information you provided on how each attachment style copes is very applicable. For instance, I have a friends who just broke up with her boyfriend. Every time I ask her how she is doing, she often "shuts down" and doesn't really want to talk about it. After your description of coping in avoidant attachment style, she most likely is internalizing her break up and trying to forget everything that reminders her of the relationship. Knowing that she most likely has an avoidant attachment style, I can use biking (one of her favorite activities) as a way to get her to open up about the break up and give her support during this time. Thanks again for the fantastic tips!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your blog post and found myself being to relate to it. When I initially learned about the different types of attachments a person can have and how it may influence a relationships in HDFS 402, it made me feel a bit uneasy. I felt this way because I was relating my style of attachment to one that was not secure. It made me feel as though secure is optimal and that I should try to be more like someone who is securely attached. However after reading your post it made me realize that it is okay to not have that secure attachment and what matters is being able to understand my style of attachment and being able to apply what I know about my attachment style in my next relationship. Again, the post is great and very relatable!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the When the One isn't the One post. When she mentioned the different attachment styles and how they cope with breakups made me think about my own experience with a break up and my personal attachment style. After reading through the attachment styles I totally did find myself saying, “Geez, if I don’t have a secure attachment style, then I must be seriously screwed.” like she mentioned in the post. She stated to not be discouraged if you identify with an avoidant or anxious attachment style in a humorous but educational way! And lastly, I LOVED how she mentioned some helpful tips. My favorites were to understand your own attachment style, paying attention to what triggers you within a relationship, and to take risks and express your feelings! I like to think I am someone who goes with the flow and sometimes that causes me to feel a little walked all over. I need to continue to remind myself to express my feelings in all aspects of all of my relationships because I believe communication is one of the most important things when it comes to creating a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog, it made more sense to me about how each individual moves on from a breakup depending on their attachment style. An individual with a secure attachment tends to have a faster emotional recovery as you have mentioned. I see this in one of my friends. She has a secure attachment style and tends to be okay when she goes through a breakup. On the other hand my other friend struggles more with breakups and feels more anxious and sad. Her less attachment security has affected the way she copes during a heartbreak. Attachment styles contribute not only the way we are in a relationship but also how we cope after the relationship.
ReplyDeleteIt is so mind blowing to read about how important attachment style is in relationships and also in break ups. I understand how attachment styles impact our relationships because it has to do with how we interact with our partners. However, I did not expect to learn about how attachment styles impact how we grieve when we break up. I experienced this with my ex because I feel that I have a secure attachment style and I was able to recover faster than my ex did. I believe they had an anxious attachment style and now I can see the differences between how we coped with the break up.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to navigate a messy and draining relationship especially as a college student, because I was there for a while. The feeling of believing someone is your person, yet there is still a lingering feeling that they aren’t necessarily fully yours can be gut wrenching. It is confusing as well, because oftentimes I would find myself wondering if I settled for too little. I enjoyed your blog and learned as a whole that sometimes there is no clarity, and that’s okay. Oftentimes break ups can feel like the end of the world, but this is part of the path to find the person that you’re actually supposed to be with.
ReplyDelete