Love Languages

    I spent the past fall semester in Spain with a study abroad program and one of the hardest but most fulfilling parts was learning how to express myself and tell my stories in a language that was not my own. I had one friend who found love in Spain and began navigating a romantic relationship with this same language barrier. This got me wondering about relationships with different first languages and how that affects the attachment between those two people. Is the language difference a barrier to a closer connection, or a hurdle that can be overcome? I interviewed two of my friends—M whose first language is English and was in a relationship with someone who spoke Spanish, and N whose first language is Spanish and was in a relationship with someone who spoke English. Just in case you’re wondering–they did not date each other, they have never even met!

First, let’s look at the research about this situation. In their study, Dewaele and Salomidou (2017)  investigated the effect of language barriers on the emotional connection that people feel towards their partner. Their findings revealed that people feel they are not able to express themselves fully to a partner with a different first language. Especially in high emotional states, people are unable to express the full nuance of their emotions with a language that is not their first. This was reflected in the answers of my friends as well. 

“While some words are synonymous, they carry different connotations and sometimes the extent to which I wanted to say something can’t be expressed either because I lacked the full vocabulary” -M

“It can feel like a task to try and explain what I’m trying to say or translate what I’m thinking to English which can hinder a connection from forming…it feels like a task” -N

Both people that were interviewed expressed having trouble turning to their partner during times of distress. This could become a lack of a safe haven, one of the key features of attachment in adults. However, the results from the study also show that this difficulty of communication did not prevent a relationship or connection from forming and did not affect authenticity between the partners (Dewaele & Salomidou, 2017). My friends also reflected positives in their relationship, becoming closer by learning from each other and overcoming challenges together.

“It always felt like there was something we could learn from one another. Every time we spoke it was like another adventure or challenge we could conquer together, bringing us closer.” -M

“I loved the fact that my partner would want to learn about my culture, how to speak Spanish, how to dance Cumbia…you could see how much my partner wanted to be with me by the effort they put into learning about my language and culture.”-N

Overall, I learned that a language difference between romantic partners can be both a barrier or a hurdle. On the one hand, the difference in language can be a barrier, which may dampen emotional expression. Yet in many ways, the attachment can be strengthened as people work together to overcome language barriers. So next time you’re interested in someone with a different first language, know that there may be challenges, but it can also provide excitement and adventure that fosters a completely unique connection.

References

Dewaele, J.-M., & Salomidou, L. (2017, January 17). Loving a partner in a foreign language. Journal of Pragmatics. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216616302946 

Adopting a New Perspective

It was a fateful day in 2010 when my little sister moved in with us, confirming her adoption and addition to our family. It was exciting and new and scary and confusing for everyone involved– me, my parents, and my new sister. Ever since that day, the topic of adoption has been close to my heart. One crucial part of adoption is the parents that are adopting that child and the environment they create. Obviously the attachment between the parents and adopted child is essential, but I started thinking about the attachment between the parents themselves. How does it change or shift with the adoption of a new child, if at all? As college students, most of us aren’t ready to have kids, but some of us might be thinking about adopting and wondering how that would affect our couple relationships. 

The transition into parenthood is always a stressful time that puts strain on the new parents no matter what. In her article, Goldberg (2010) argues that the transition for adoptive parents is even more stressful than that of most biological parents. For adoptive couples, just the process before adoption (choosing an adoption path, choosing an agency or lawyer, deciding on desired adoptive child qualities, becoming certified etc.) can add additional stressors that are not in a traditional birth parent journey. I interviewed an adoptive parent to get his take on this. 

“We only had so much information about adopting a child, compared to what we knew about parenting kids from birth. There were books and research and our own experiences growing up that informed us about raising birth kids. With the adoptive child, we had one training class and were thrown in. Our usual tactics for dealing with problems were blown out of the water.”

This ambiguity associated with adoption can add extra strain upon the adoptive couple. Then, after the adoption the parents are faced with unique challenges related to the adopted child’s trauma and trauma responses, which creates even more stress in the couples’ lives. What I began to wonder was whether this added stress brought couples together or pulled them apart. 

According to a literature review conducted by Ward (1998), there are many factors and conflicting results about the marital relationship after adoption. She writes about several different studies, some of them finding positive effects on marriage, some negative, and some mixed. Some couples reported feeling closer and more connected to their partners, whereas others reported feeling more distant, even leading to divorce in a few cases. The couples that said they felt more connected when they had shared goals and felt they had to become more cohesive to work through shared adversity with their new child (Ward, 1998). This finding relates to research on attachment between couples as the partners found a “safe haven” in each other during stressful times. They were able to turn towards each other and find comfort in one another as they faced unique challenges. This was also supported by the experience of the adoptive parent I interviewed:

“We could relate to each other about our experience with adopting a child and gained even more in common with each other. We turned to each other a lot to understand what was going on in regards to her trauma responses. We worked together to foster tactics to do the best we could to help our adopted child.”

His experience shows evidence of the safe haven sign of attachment. However, as shown in the research, it is not all positive and some couples feel like they have less attachment after adopting a child (Ward, 1998). My interviewee said that his experience was also mixed, and that in some ways he felt less connected to his partner, especially as time went on. 

“A big stressor was that adopting a child brought more tension into everyone’s relationships: parents, siblings, grandparents. The stress is that there is one more person between your relationship that is not ‘of you’.”

Overall, the research and personal experience show that adopting a child is a mixed experience for the attachment between the adoptive parents. For any prospective parents who are looking at adopting, research shows that turning to your partner and “closing ranks” against the new challenges and stressful experiences is the best way to maintain your attachment and become even closer to your partner. 

Showmances: When On-Stage Love Goes Off-Script

“Love is love is love is love. Cannot be killed or swept aside…Now fill the world with music, love, and symphony” -Lin Manuel Miranda, 2016

The theater has always been a place filled with love. From the couples in the audience on a date night to the iconic onstage performances, the theater embraces romantic attachment. It has showcased prominent love stories from modern and historical texts. And a less-well-known part of attachment in theater are “showmances”; real relationships that develop between actors who are portraying fictional love on stage. As a theater major and actor myself, I began to wonder how this attachment develops and whether showmances are any different than other relationships.

To investigate this topic, I interviewed fellow actors about their perception of love in theater. First, I wondered what they thought about portraying a couple on stage as compared to being in a real relationship off-stage. 

“Theater mirrors real life. So stories are told on stage that could happen or have happened in the real world…but I think the biggest difference between portraying romance on stage and being in a relationship is the authenticity and uncertainty of real life. You don’t get that same struggle on stage because it's a script.”

However, this actor also understood that sometimes portraying a couple on stage can turn into real feelings. 

“You’re spending hours a day together, pretending to be in this romance, and I think sometimes it can lead to real feelings or real relationships because of how much you get to know each other and how much time you spend together.”

This development into a real relationship is the definition of a showmance and this actor’s answer aligns perfectly with research on showmances. Saslove and colleagues (2022) write that showmances develop due to the amount of time that actors spend together while rehearsing a show and the act of pretending to be intimate which brings the two together in a unique way. In addition to the development of showmances, this study also found that the people in showmances show higher levels of nurturance and eroticism towards their on-stage romantic partner (Saslove et al., 2022). 

The development of a showmance is similar to the development of any attachment in childhood and adulthood. People become attached from care and proximity (Esposito et al., 2017). The time spent together and care between two actors as they perform creates an attachment, first for pretend and then manifested into real life. Showmances evolve from scripted chemistry to genuine connection, proving that even in the world of make-believe, real feelings can take center stage.

 

References

Saslove, J., Gormezano, A.M., Schudson, Z.C., & van Anders, S.M. (2022). “Showmance”: Is performing intimacy associated with feelings of intimacy?The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 31(3), 329-341. https://muse.jhu.edu/article/874127.

Esposito, G., Setoh, P., Shinohara, K., & Bornstein, M. H. (2017). The development of attachment: Integrating genes, brain, behavior, and environment. Behavioural Brain Research, 325, 87–89. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2017.03.025 

Romcoms vs. Reality

Romcoms. Some people love them, some people hate them. These movies depict idealistic scenarios about love and passion for us movie watchers to sit and spend 90 minutes either dreaming of or gagging about. I personally would rather not watch romcoms, however, my mom and sisters could spend all weekend binging them. They see a genuine love story, where I see nothing but a falsified wishful thinking plotline. 

A study done by Veronica Hefner (2019) looked at romantic comedy content and there are 4 common themes in romcoms 1) the idealization of others (perfect partner) 2) soul mate/one and only 3) love at first sight and 4) love conquers all. Curious about what the people in my life, other than my romcom crazed sisters, thought about romcoms, I asked a friend their thoughts on romcoms. 

They aren't my go to choice of movies, but I also don't mind watching them. I think that they are cute and “feel-goody”. I’ve watched them before as a pick-me-up. I do think they can get sappy, but it doesn't hurt to disappear in that kind of fantasy world for a little bit either. 

I then told her about the 4 common themes that Hefner found and asked her whether or not she thinks those themes are applicable to real life.

Ummm, let's see. I definitely don't think love at first sight is a real thing. I just don't think you can truly love someone just by looking at them, you need to know them. I would say that soul mates do exist, but I again don't think we find them on the first try. I do agree with the idealization of others in the terms that some people are truly perfect for one another and make each other better. And I don't think love conquers all, like at all. I think it is hard work and dedication to a relationship that makes it seem like they can conquer anything, but the love itself isn't enough. 

So my friend went about 50/50 on whether or not Hefner's common themes are actually true in real life. 

Are they realistic? No, not really. But are they fun to watch and daydream about those types of situations? Yes, yes they are. 

Hefner also talked about how watching these moves could shift one's life satisfaction, as they can make individuals happy and excited for future romance, or bummed and gloomy about them too. The study did not seem to find any significant differences in the effect that romcoms had on individuals with different attachment styles. They found that only the variables of gender, relationship status, and the type of romcom had an effect on the endorsement of life satisfaction (Hefner, 2019). To my surprise, males and partnered individuals reported higher life satisfaction after watching romcoms than females and single individuals. I was expecting it to be women that had higher satisfaction, and men to not feed into it quite as much.

So, what do you think about romcoms? Do you think that Hefner's 4 themes of romcoms are true in real life? Does watching them make you feel warm and fuzzy, or sick to the stomach? Let me know in the comments what you think about these movies and maybe drop your go to romcom!

Reference

Hefner, V. (2019). Does Love conquer all? an experiment testing the association between types of romantic comedy content and reports of romantic beliefs and life satisfaction. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 8(4), 376–384. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000201 

Shout out ot CHEM113

As college students, I would bet that we have all heard the same things about meeting people. You have probably been told that it's a time to make new friends or to seek out new relationships. I personally was even told, as an introvert and knowing I would do fine in my classes, that making new friends should be my top priority. And while it's a huge part of going off to college, it can be super intimidating. How many friends should I have? How do I find these people? Where do I find these people? Well, to make your life a tiny bit easier, I thought I would look into where college students are most likely to meet people, specifically romantic partners, also looking at how attachment style plays into where we meet people. 

Wanting to get a general idea of where people think might be the most common places for college students I asked my friend what she thought the most common place to meet a potential romantic partner was.

“Uhhhh, I want to say the bars, because that's what everyone always says, but I’m thinking it might be school related, like in classes. I have heard so many different places where people meet their significant others that I’m struggling to give one specific spot where it happens most.”

I then moved on to ask her where she met her boyfriend. 

“We met during an exam review session, and we went to study at the library after with my other friends in the class. I had seen him around and in my class, but it wasn't until we were in a smaller group that we actually met. Shout out to CHEM 113 for helping me out.”

So my friend met her boyfriend in one of her classes but this actually is not the most common way for college students to meet their romantic partners. Most people meet their partners online (Rosenfeld et al., 2019). Individuals who use online dating apps are often those with secure attachments (Chin et al., 2019). Other ways people often meet their partners are at bars/parties, at work, in school, or through family or friends (Rosenfeld et al., 2019). Those who meet their partners at a party/bar are most likely secure or anxious attached, and as Öztürk and Mutlu (2010) found, are more likely to be social and engage in activities like going out and experiencing new things. Anxious individuals are often less social and meet people in places where they feel comfortable, such as work (Öztürk & Mutlu, 2010). 

All of this is not to say that based on one's attachment style, you will only meet potential partners at said places. This is far from being true. There are so many times, places, and opportunities in which we could possibly meet our romantic partners. Heck, a lot of people don't even find their person until after college! But if you are still in school and trying to meet new people or are looking for love, these are some of the places where others have found success. Let me know in the comments where you thought the most common place to meet someone was, and if you met your partner during college, where and how it happened!

Mixed Up in Breakups

More likely than not, at some point, during our lives, everyone will go through a breakup. Whether it was a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or a couple of years, breakups can be hard. They can be emotionally draining and hard to get through, but they can also be relieving and like a weight off your shoulders. Whatever the case, everyone handles these types of situations differently. Some stay in, watch romcoms and eat ice cream. Others go out, dance on bar tops, and drink vodka crans. Everyone has their own way of coping. 

As you can imagine, those with secure attachment styles often handle breakups the best. Due to their tendency to have a better understanding of their relationship, as well as know what they want but still respect their partners, secure attachment individuals have better coping strategies. They have what Davis and colleagues (2003) call social coping strategies, where they use their friends and families to help feel better and to express their feelings. Individuals who have avoidant attachment styles avoid their partners post break up and staying clear of other reminders of them, and use self-reliant coping strategies like drinking and drugs. Anxious attachment styles tend to have greater obsession over their lost partner and try to reestablish it. They also have emotional distress and angry/vengeful behavior, alongside dysfunctional coping strategies such as self-medicating with again drugs or alcohol (Davis et al., 2003). And those with disorganized attachment have mixed reactions to breakups, but are highly associated with using drugs and alcohol to cope with loss. 

And while all of these things are not great ways to handle relationships ending, there are indeed some good things that can arise from them too. An old roommate of mine just ended things with her girlfriend, and I was expecting it to be messy, but I was very wrong.

“Oh yeah, it's like salt in a wound, but I’m a better person because of it. As an anxious person, I was so worried about ending the whole thing and had so many different thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I knew it would be better in the long run, but I was worried about the immediate pain. I do think that although it hurt like a b*tch, we are both better because of it.”

It is a common experience for individuals to feel better after breakups and to become a better version of themselves as a result. What is interesting, however, is that a study found that those with anxious attachment are more likely to experience personal growth after breakups, whereas avoidant attachment individuals are not (Marshal et al., 2013). Their findings indicate that this is because anxious-attached people find relief in removing that stress, whereas in avoidant-attached individuals it acts like a catalyst setting all their feelings on fire that then needs to be out, often with unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking (Marshal et al., 2013).

If you find yourself mixed up in your thoughts and feelings about a past, present or even future breakup, know that you are not alone. It is super common for everyone to feel bummed out and upset about these types of situations, especially when you love your partner. I believe that knowing your attachment type can be a protective factor in coping with breakups, as you could maybe be able to identify possible negative coping strategies you might want to indulge in and try to find alternative healthy ones. You got this! Yes, it hurts and yes it might take awhile for that pain to go away, but surround yourselves with those still in your life who love you. Whether you all stay in and watch The Notebook or go out and dance the night away, find happy and healthy ways to cope!

Gas on the Fire

Though the term ‘gaslighting’ has only been around for a few years now, psychological aggression and abuse have been around for much longer. Gaslighting is when someone is manipulated using psychological abuse/aggression causing them to question their sanity. This type of psychological aggression often coincides with emotional abuse as well. Most often, especially on college campuses, gaslighting can be seen as a predominant issue in relationships. I remember learning all about what gaslighting is, and how to detect it during my freshman-year orientation. 

People often look at individuals who gaslight others are these terrible individuals, who just want to manipulate and ruin relationships on purpose. But, over the course of my college education and after taking a variety of classes that talk about relationships and attachment, there may be more to the story. I was curious to see if there was a correlation between those who gaslight individuals and their attachment styles. So I asked my friends about their experiences with gaslighting and did some research on the topic as well. 

The first thing I noticed was that the term “gaslighting” is hard to find in research journals, so instead, I substituted “gaslighting” for “psychological aggression and/or abuse”. With that, I found loads of journals that talked about how there was indeed a relationship between gaslighting and attachment styles, especially when it comes to insecure attachment. A study done by Cheche-Hoover & Jackson (2021) found that individuals with insecure attachment styles are more prone to behave aggressively with partners due to maladaptive behaviors that come from their attachment style. With all of that in mind, I talked with one of my sister's friends who had just gone through a breakup. I started by asking her if she knew what her attachment style is and if she knew what gaslighting was.

“If I remember anything from my classes, I think I have an anxious attachment style. I also vaguely know what gaslighting is but I couldn't give you an exact definition of it. I  would say it when someone like says things to you to try and screw with you like they are playing mind games on you.”

I followed by asking her about her breakup and if she thought that gaslighting maybe played a role in the relationship dissolving.

“I do think there was some gaslighting involved in our relationship. We were both guilty of it. Although I wasn't purposely trying to gaslight him [her boyfriend], I do think I did so a little bit because I was trying to pry some kind of emotion out of him, as he just “shut off” there at the end. He definitely gaslighted me into thinking that I was just paranoid and being over-reactive about the whole thing, making me feel like I was losing my mind over nothing, despite there very clearly being a problem.”

Talking about the different types of insecure attachment, individuals who have anxious attachment or avoidant attachment might turn to gaslighting if they feel threatened in their relationships, as they might not know how to properly handle their feelings (Gewirtz-Meydan & Finzi-Dottan, 2021). With that said, the correlation between gaslighting and anxious attachment or avoidant attachment is much lower than the correlation between gaslighting and disorganized attachment. This might be due to the way those with disorganized attachments use psychological aggression to regulate their negative emotions and get responses from their partners (Cheche-Hoover & Jackson, 2021). 

“I think between my anxious attachment and his insecure attachment, the manipulation we put each other through was just more gas on the fire [she smirks at me], get it… gaslighting, gas on the fire. I’m hilarious.”

And while she can laugh about her experience with gaslighting, this isn't common for everyone. Gaslighting is a serious issue in relationships and can do a lot of harm if it's not dealt with. CSU has a lot of resources available for students who are struggling with issues like this and I encourage everyone to use them if they feel like they are struggling. I’ll attach some links to some resources that are here to help us through those hard times!

CSU Resources:

- https://wgac.colostate.edu/ 

- https://wgac.colostate.edu/involvement/victim-assistance-team-volunteers/

- https://health.colostate.edu/about-counseling-services/

- https://health.colostate.edu/ 

- https://www.chhs.colostate.edu/cfct/ 

- https://supportandsafety.colostate.edu/resources/