Lets Talk About Sex, Baby

Alright, friends.  It’s time to get down and dirty.  We’re talking about sex.  For some, that may be a particularly exciting and invigorating topic.  For others, that may be an uncomfortable topic that brings up deeply rooted pain.  Either way, I believe it is an incredibly important topic to discuss when looking and break-ups and romantic relationships in general.

Sexual intimacy is a huge part of our lives.  While some choose to refrain from sexual intimacy until they find the one, others have sex whenever a good opportunity presents itself.  Sex is a huge part of many romantic relationships, especially during emerging adulthood.  As the research states, emerging adulthood is one of the developmental periods of the greatest self-exploration¹.  Identity development is a huge focus for us emerging adults, especially during college, and part of this self-exploration involves experimenting with sex.

All throughout our lives, our sexual attitudes and beliefs are being influenced by the media, whether we like it or not¹.  From the TV, to ads, to video games, to games we played as children, the media is consistently pouring messages into our minds regarding sex¹.  The research states that, as we have been consuming more and more sexual media content, this impacts our expectations for sex in our relationships¹.

One of the greatest ways in which the media influences our sexual intimacy is the way in which it spreads different messages for both men and women¹.  For example, on TV, men are portrayed as actively pursuing sex to prove their masculinity, whereas women are portrayed as if they are objectifying their bodies to gain the approval and attention of males¹.  Either that, or women are seen as virtuous if they abstain sexual activity¹. 

No matter which way you look at it, these influences play a role in the way us college students experiment with sex during relationships and when coping with breakups.  So, for example, given the media messages, both men and women may engage in sex as a way to feel better about themselves following a break-up.  Break-ups are significant stages of transition, and these periods of change are associated with riskier sexual behavior².  While it may not seem very risky, the research describes risky sexual behavior as:

·      Sex with multiple partners

·      Unprotected sex

·      Casual sex with strangers and/or acquaintances

Researchers choose to describe these behaviors as risky because of the impacts they generally have on our mental and physical health².  For instance, the research has shown that casual sex after a romantic-relationship break-up lowers levels of self-esteem, increases psychological distress, diminishes well-being, and may lead to more casual hook-ups fueled by substance use².

Hooking up is very common, especially in college! Researchers found that nearly 70% of college seniors reported hooking up³.  One third of students engaged in sexual intercourse, one third engaged in oral sex and manual genital stimulation, and one third engaged in kissing without genital contact³.  This particular study also found that hook-ups can become committed relationships, or exes may become sources for hook-ups³ (more about hooking up with exes in a minute!).

Another reason why break-ups are a time when people are more likely to engage in riskier sexual behaviors is because of grief and loss.  We are left not only grieving our mate, but also the sexual chemistry shared between the two of you.  When our romantic relationships end, we are left craving the intimacy we experienced during our relationships, and we tend to seek this intimacy from either strangers, friends, or our exes.  Returning to your ex in search of intimacy is something I’m pretty sure we can all say we’ve done.  And I’m pretty sure we can all agree that it created complications in our break-ups!

I asked some pals of mine who had been sexually active with their partners what their experience was after the break-up.  I got various responses, ranging from experiencing these complications of sexual intimacy after a break-up, as well as individuals not feeling complications at all.  Here’s what they had to say:

“Yes, extremely. Yes, it still complicates things. STILL. To this day. Still.”

“Intimacy definitely was a part of our relationship and I feel like that made the break up more intense for both of us considering that we meant so much to each other, but I feel that my ex had more of an issue with it than I did”

“Yes, it was part of the relationship, but we were safe, and I would not say that it complicated the break up.”

As you can see, the impacts of sexual intimacy on break-ups varies.  Some people don’t feel this confusion after their break-up and are simply ready to move on.  Others are devastated by the complications sexual intimacy can add to break-ups.  No matter where you stand on this spectrum, it’s always important to remember to be safe.  I know, I know, you hear this all the time.  But that doesn’t change the significance of being safe in your sexual relationships. Take care of yourself, kid! Your future partner will thank you. 

When the One isn't the One

Let’s be real, we all want to find our person.  We all want to find that one person who knows our deepest secrets, makes us laugh, supports us in whatever we do, and is a best friend all in one.  Romantic relationships are a really big deal! In fact, finding a partner to spend the rest of our lives with is seen as a huge priority to us college kids¹.

One of the factors that drastically impacts the way we connect and dive in to our romantic relationships is our attachment style. 

The idea behind attachment was first described by Bowlby as the emotional bond that forms between children and their parents.  The different attachment styles defined by Bowlby’s research partner, Mary Ainsworth, include:

·      Secure attachment

·      Anxious attachment

·      Avoidant attachment

* Feel free to click on these links to read blogs previously posted regarding each of these different attachment styles, what they mean, and tips and tricks to help adjust your attachment style to a more secure attachment! *

Attachment plays an enormously huge role in the way we navigate relationships.  It doesn’t just impact the relationships we have with our parents and our families, it impacts our relationships with friends, as well as our romantic relationships¹.  Our attachment style greatly impacts the way we interact with others in moments of joy and moments of conflict, as well as influences the way we handle the end of relationships¹.

Since attachments are so significant in our relationships, it comes as no surprise that attachment style incredibly affects the quality of romantic relationships and break-ups in college.  In general, secure attachments adjust better to the challenges life throws at us.  During break-ups, individuals with a secure attachment typically have a faster emotional recovery than others.  Having a secure attachment helps individuals to rationally think through their break-up, while also seeking advice from positive relationships.  On the other hand, having less of a secure attachment leads to decreased relationship satisfaction, which leads to more difficulty handling conflicts, which leads to more break-ups¹.  Yikes!

That’s not all, though.  Our attachment style impacts the way we grieve, too.  Avoidant attachment style is related to more avoidant coping strategies and instrumental grief responses, which is a fancy way of saying they try to think things through in their minds and avoid reminders of their partners.  On the other hand, anxious attachment style is related to anxious coping strategies and intuitive grief responses, such as worrying, ruminating, and convincing yourself you will never be lucky in love.

Individuals with less attachment security struggle in other areas of their life after a break up as well¹.  Researchers have found that those who are more anxiously attached typically feel more distressed about their break-up and struggle in school¹.  Also, both anxious and avoidant attachments are more likely to reach for the alcohol while grieving their break-ups¹. 

After reading this, you may be thinking to yourself “Geez, if I don’t have a secure attachment style, then I must be seriously screwed.”  Not going to lie, I thought this myself when I first read through the research.  It sounds brutal! When I reached out to my friends to see how they handled their break-ups, a majority of them mentioned how important it was to get support from their loved ones.  Whereas people who are more anxious may be comfortable in a face-to-face heart-to-heart interaction, those who are more avoidant may have an easier time opening up while doing an “activity” like hiking or biking.  Either way, taking the risk to get support is a healthy way to handle a break-up that may lead to more securely attached relationships in the future, which is something we all want, right?

“Having my friends and family surrounding me constantly made it an easier process.  I think the most effective thing I did was surround myself with positive people that love me. That way I felt comforted and would rarely feel alone. My support system was the most helpful part of my break-up!”

Don’t be discouraged if you identify with an anxious or avoidant attachment.  I know, the impacts seem drastic, however, there are ways you can help shift your attachment to a more secure style.  Here are some tips supported by the research:

·      Understand your attachment style

·      Believe that you are normal and that so many other people have similar struggles

·      Pay attention to what triggers you in relationships and how you respond

·      Notice what attachment styles you find yourself gravitating towards

o   Work to understand your partner’s attachment style so you can work through

·      Take risks! Express your feelings.  I know it can sound scary, but it is worth it!

Feel free to look through past blog posts as well! There are lots of tips and tricks there to help you every step of the way.