1,500 Miles

     Transitioning into college can be tricky and overwhelming for many students. Leaving home and moving away, making new friends, adjusting to new freedom, and several other reasons can make this time in our lives hard. For some individuals, it can be even more challenging when you are in a relationship. Many relationships that start in high school end up becoming long-distance ones, once partners go off to college. Maintaining these long-distance relationships can look different for different couples based on their attachment styles. Securely attached couples tend to be better off in long-distance relationships than in other attachment styles (Pistole et al., 2010).

My sister Makayla, for example, is in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Quincy. She goes to school in Texas and he goes to school in New York. That's just about 1,500 miles and a 23-hour car ride (without stops) away from one another. They have been doing long-distance for about 18 months now at this point and they have had their fair share of struggles. When asked about the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship, she replied with…

“Holy cow, I don’t even know where to start. For beginners, it's super sucky to not be able to physically see and hug him since he is literally 1,527 miles away from me, and yes I memorized that number. It is also annoying to only be able to talk over the phone or on facetime; it gets really old after so many times. The time difference also sucks and it is a lot harder to make time for one another when we both have different things going on in two different places.” 

Following up on that I gave her a mini-lesson on the attachment styles and she determined that she and Quincy were most similar to secure attachment. I then asked her if she thought her and Quincy’s understanding of one another and secure attachment made it easier to handle being apart from one another. 

“Oh for sure it does. My ability to trust him and for him to trust me makes life so much easier. We also are both super understanding of what each other needs and the struggle of not only being in college but also trying to manage long-distance. We have developed a great communication system between us and I think that has been a huge help alongside just trusting each other.”

This ability for securely attached relationships to do better in relationships like this is not uncommon. According to Pistole and colleagues (2010), individuals who have a secure attachment often have more confidence and motivation to in handling relationship problems. Individuals with other attachment styles, especially fearful attachment, are often seen using less conflict management behaviors to solve issues in long-distance relationships which tends to cause strain in relationships. 

But don't worry if you feel like you don't quite have a secure attachment. It does not mean that your long-distance relationship is doomed. There are a lot of ways to change your attachment style and to better understand it in general. In fact, there are several posts on this blog that have great advice, I would recommend checking them out. 

Makayla and Quincy are just one example of a successful long-distance relationship. Many things help make the distance more tolerable, and trusting one another, communicating with them, and being understanding are just a few ways to do so. So whether you are 100 miles or 1,527 miles away from your partner, having a secure attachment style can make doing long-distance just a little bit easier.

Reference

Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., & Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4), 535–552. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510363427

Attachment Styles and Casual Sex

                "They are just a friend with benefits.” “There are no strings attached.” “It was just a one-nightstand.” I have heard it all. Casual sex, at least in my life as a college student, is a very common topic of discussion. Everyone's different perspectives make for fun debates around the coffee table. I can recall making jokes to one of my girlfriends for spending the night at a guy's house or taunting my guy friend for not “just making his move already.

         I asked one of my guy friends (we will call him Chase) about his thoughts on casual sex, and he shared: “There is nothing wrong with it, as long as intentions are set beforehand. If all parties involved are on the same page about what is about to go down and the reasons for it then by all means go for it.” Chase is a ladies’ man, whose attachment style screams avoidant. He doesn't like conflict, avoids talking about his feelings, and overall is the walking definition of avoidant attachment. Based on this, I was not surprised to learn his thoughts on casual sex.

         Several studies have been done on attachment styles and their relationships to casual sex. Sprecher (2013) found that individuals with avoidant attachment styles tend to be the most accepting of casual sex and partake in it more often than individuals with other attachment styles. In addition, in another study, it was found that avoidantly attachment individuals tend to be more positive about “loveless and uncommitted” sex overall (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). These individuals are less worried about the feelings attached to sleeping with someone and they are more able to put them aside.

         Chase told me, “The thing about casual sex is not about the person you are ‘[H3] doing it with’ but just really about the sex itself. It's just about two people enjoying the moment.” This again was not surprising to hear as Chase's tendency is to go with the flow and steer away from developing feelings. His avoidant style also makes causal sex an easy thing for him to openly talk about.

         This isn’t to say that individuals who aren’t avoidant in their attachment style are all against casual sex or will never partake in it. In the words of my good friend Chase, “You do you, as long as it is consensual and safe.” But I’m curious, what do you and your friends think about casual sex?

Refrences

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment and sex (Chapter 12). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 372-392). New York: Guilford Press.

Sprecher, S. (2013). Attachment style and sexual permissiveness: The moderating role of gender. Personality and Individual Differences, 55(4), 428–432. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.04.005

Are you more likely to cheat based on attachment styles?

Why do people cheat? This is a very loaded question, one that is often met with hostility. My sister likes to answer this question the same way every time she is asked about her ex-boyfriend:  “because they are insecure little ‘weenies’ and cheating with someone else gives them a twisted sense of power.” There is no one answer, but researchers have found that attachment style influences the likelihood of cheating. 

My sister’s ex-boyfriend cheated on her just days after their 2-year anniversary. It broke her heart and she ended things right after that. “I was devastated. 2 years of trust and love and secrets. 2 years thrown out the window.” When I asked her if there were any indicators that he would be unfaithful or if she noticed anything off about him before he cheated, she mentioned that he had become increasingly insecure about himself and whether or not she still loved him. “He was always asking if I loved him or if I wanted to be with him. He was so clingy and was constantly asking for sex. If we weren’t sleeping together all the time, he questioned my love for him.” After listening to her talk about him, I think that my sister’s ex had an anxious attachment style. As we’ve learned in this blog, those of us with more anxious attachment styles tend to be more clingy, hypervigilant, and demand more reassurance.  

When it comes to cheating and its relationships with types of attachment styles, it is suggested that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat than others (Cohen, 2005). They are more likely to second guess thoughts and feelings in the relationship and have lower self-esteem about their role as a partner. Those with anxious attachments may cheat and seek sexual interactions because they equate sex with love (Harvey, 2021). In other words, anxious people think that if someone is willing to have sex with them, that it means they love them. To them, sex is the reassurance of love. 

Understanding attachment styles has helped me make sense of my sister’s experience. Her ex, who had an anxious attachment style with her, was constantly in need of reassurance that she loved him, questioned them as a couple, and thought sex was the only way for her to prove she loved him, and when that wasn’t enough,  he cheated on her. Although e was never able to give her a reason for why he cheated, his anxious attachment more likely than not played a role in it. 

References

Cohen, A. B. (2005). The relation of attachment to infidelity in romantic relationships: An exploration of attachment style, perception of partner's attachment style, relationship satisfaction, relationship quality and gender differences in sexual behaviors (Order No. 3213084). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (305362570). https://ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/relation-attachment-infidelity-romantic/docview/305362570/se-2?accountid=10223

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Dating Apps as Means of Connection Building

Right now more than ever before in my life, I have been struggling to build new relationships. Coming out of what has now been a 2-year long global pandemic, right into the chaos of the end of the semester, I have been struggling to meet new people. Wondering if I was alone in these feelings, I asked a friend (who we will call Abby) if she could relate, and she shared how she has downloaded several dating apps to try and meet new people. And it turns out she is not the only one: With the ever-growing world of technology, increased isolation due to COVID, and overall lack of time to go out because of increased schoolwork, dating apps are being turned to by college students all over the world (Fortune, 2021). 

I asked Abby “why dating apps?” and she explained, “I want to be able to make attachments with new people and also to build up my confidence with social interaction. I struggle to talk to people, so I thought that this would be a good way to force myself to practice engaging in conversations with strangers.” So far Abby’s experience with these apps has been primarily positive; she has met quite a few people and is enjoying talking to new people. 

However, Abby did mention the negative side of dating apps. For example, she shared that she was getting a lot of unwanted and often unnecessary messages. “I mean I was expecting to get a couple of bad ones here and there, but I ended up getting way more than I was ever expecting.” Unfortunately, this is not uncommon as women are twice as likely to receive unwanted responses (Harvey, 2022).

 Abby also mentioned how she sometimes feels like she's playing a risky game with the dating apps. She says “you don't really know these people. Just some pictures and a 250-word biography doesn't tell you who they are or how you will get along with them. It does leave a lot of gray areas.” Abby explained how this makes it harder to achieve the one thing she hopes to get from the apps: genuine connections. Again, Abby is not alone with this desire for real connections. A study conducted by Beauchamp and colleagues (2017) on undergraduate women's experiences with dating apps found that the majority of women who interact with dating apps are looking for engaging and healthy relationships.

Overall, Abby’s experience with dating apps seems representative of other college-aged women and perhaps other genders as well. Many of us are using dating apps to meet new people and create connections. Most of us will run into unwanted messages here and there, but overlooking those cons, dating apps seem like a good tool to help individuals build relationships. 

References

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Beauchamp, A. M., Cotton, H. R., LeClere, A. T., Reynolds, E. K., Riordan, S. J., & Sullivan, K. E. (2017). Super Likes and Right Swipes: How Undergraduate Women Experience Dating Apps. Journal of the Student Personnel Association at Indiana University, 1–16. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iu.edu/journals/index.php/jiuspa/article/view/23700

References

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Beauchamp, A. M., Cotton, H. R., LeClere, A. T., Reynolds, E. K., Riordan, S. J., & Sullivan, K. E. (2017). Super Likes and Right Swipes: How Undergraduate Women Experience Dating Apps. Journal of the Student Personnel Association at Indiana University, 1–16. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iu.edu/journals/index.php/jiuspa/article/view/23700

Fortune. “Activity on Dating Apps Has Surged during the Pandemic.” Fortune. Fortune, February 12, 2021. https://fortune.com/2021/02/12/covid-pandemic-online-dating-apps- usage-tinder-okcupid-bumble-meet-group/. 

Quarantine, Attraction, and Attachment: Are you COVID crushing?

 

Is it just me, or has being in a pandemic totally tricked our brains about love and connection? After spending almost a year with only a fraction of my usual personal interactions, it seems that coming back into a new normal is not seamless. On the one hand, I feel more independent and content with myself than ever. On the other, I am desperate for human connection. I was curious how attachment style may influence our experience of relationships in unprecedented situations, and decided to ask a friend of mine, Tanya, about her recent interactions. Based on the characteristics explained in lecture by Dr. Harvey (2021), Tanya identified herself as leaning more toward an avoidant attachment style, unlike myself as I tend to be more anxious. Yet, she shared with me that she relates to my experience of feeling polarized, saying,

“It’s like I fall in love a little bit every day. I will see a cute guy in my apartment building, and for the next 24 hours, I will be sure that he’s the one. I’ve got our wedding planned; our children’s names picked out. But if he were to actually come up and talk to me or, god forbid, ask me out? I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m not really the type to go on dates with complete strangers, because I am typically happy on my own.”

When I asked her if this was new behavior for her, she said yes, explaining that she didn’t feel these obsessive crushes before.

“Someone usually has to really impress me to get my attention, but now, it’s like anyone is up for grabs. I guess I was fine being alone when it seemed like there was always the option available. Since quarantine, though, I realized I need people more than I thought.”

Tanya may be experiencing the influence of the Halo Effect, a phenomenon in which one perceives more attractive faces to also be more trustworthy. Research has generally shown that securely attached people exhibit the Halo Effect more strongly because they are less wary of others. Results from a recent study by Gabrieli, Lim, and Esposito (2021), complicate this, though. In their study, participants were randomly assigned to watch one of three videos depicting either couples hugging, a news clip on the importance of social distancing, or a short nature video, and were then asked to rate the attractiveness and trustworthiness of human faces. Researchers found that people who were shown the video of hugging or of social distancing made stronger judgements on the faces and, regardless of the individuals attachment style, showed more of the Halo Effect. The authors hypothesized that this was because when people are exposed to either the idea of being near others or the threat of being away from others, they are more invested in making quick decisions about strangers who may offer them comfort and connection (Gabrieli, Lim, & Esposity, 2021). This could explain why Tanya, who has lacked time to socialize and connect, is drawn to strangers she finds attractive much more strongly than she was previously.

Although this was an ambitious study that will need far more research to fully understand, it certainly points us in an interesting direction as we continue to explore how attachment style and experience of isolation may impact each other. This also adds to the debate around whether attachment styles are states or traits (Harvey, 2021) because it shows that our attachment style may not be an inherent quality, but instead fluctuates based on the situation. I, too, have personally felt shifts in my attachment style over the pandemic. Unlike Tanya, I have become less invested with strangers because I have somewhat adjusted to being more isolated. Yet, the relationships I do form have become highly important to me, and I demand more from the people I interact with.

So, I am curious: have you become more or less preoccupied with relationships since the pandemic? Do you feel any of your attachment behaviors have changed, or maybe your entire attachment style? Let me know in the comments!

 

Gabrieli, G., Lim, Y. Y., & Esposito, G. (2021). Influences of Social Distancing and attachment

styles on the strength of the Halo Effect. PLoS ONE, 16(8), 1–16.

            https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0256364

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Is your attachment style breaking your heart?

 

Last year, a close friend of mine and recent graduate from CSU, Cassidy, went through a whirlwind relationship that ended in heartbreak. Now in a much healthier relationship, she sat down with me and opened up about where she thinks it at all went wrong. Having prior knowledge of attachment styles, she immediately labeled herself as very high on attachment anxiety, and identified with many of the characteristics described by Dr. Harvey (2021) such as a constant need for reassurance, a need to be close to her partner, and fear that she is more interested in the relationship than her partner is. She guessed that her previous partner was also anxiously attached and exhibited many of the same behaviors as herself.

              Cassidy says that at the start of the relationship, everything was perfect. She had never dated another woman, so it was their immediate chemistry and attraction that made her willing to go public. She mentions that, having no experience in a queer relationship, she thought their quick obsession with each other was normal, stating, “I know how close I am with my female friends, so it just made sense that having a romantic version of that closeness would be incredibly intense.” Quickly, though, their bond became toxic. Her partner was increasingly insisting on more and more time together, sharing deeper aspects of their personal lives, and feeling jealous about her other friends or hobbies. “I noticed that I started hiding her behavior from my friends, claiming that I was the one who had set up a date, or that I agreed with her about sharing our phone passwords and monitoring each other’s time,” Cassidy said.

              I asked Cassidy about how they acted when they were actually together. She explained that conversations started out happy, but soon became centered on undermining and questioning. Her girlfriend often accused her of not loving her enough, or not spending enough time with her. In the moment, she would often accept blame and apologize, but then later she would start her own argument, looking for revenge. I followed up with this by asking how that compared to her current relationship. She replied: “I did grow a lot from that relationship, so in some ways I was more ready for my new one. In a lot of ways, though, I am the same. The real difference is my new partner. She understands my anxiety, and we balance each other out. Every conversation doesn’t have to escalate, even ones that are challenging. I feel more like myself with her.”

              Cassidy perceives her new partner to be securely attached, unlike herself and her previous partner, who she identified as anxiously attached. Research from Domingue and Mollen indicated that couples with 2 securely attached partners had less negative communication styles, less demand-withdraw patterns, less avoidance, and less withholding compared to couples with at least one insecurely attached partner. In other words, 2 securely attached individuals showed better overall communication skills. Yet, unlike other studies, their data did not find that having one securely attached partner and one insecurely attached partner (like Cassidy’s relationship) was beneficial (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Although Domingue and Mollen’s results did not support this, one could see how having one person with secure attachment in the couple may improve communication, such as in the case of Cassidy and her new partner, so more research in this area is necessary.

 Personally, I relate to Cassidy’s experience, and feel that my partner greatly impacts my attachment style as well as how I communicate attachment related needs. If you are willing to share your thought or experiences on this, please do! You may help other students overcome their messy relationships, or remind them that they are not alone.

 

Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic

relationships. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696. https://doi-

org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407509347932

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Chat rooms and attachment: Is social media ruining or revealing your relationship?

 

            With technology use only increasing, and after a year and half of social distancing, it is not surprising that online relationships, whether on social media or dating sites, are taking over more of our time. Although social media has many benefits, it does not come without risks, especially if you are already in a committed relationship. Based on my own experience and class lecture material (Harvey, 2021), it seems most people agree that cheating on your partner is not simply limited to physical contact but includes emotional connection and behaviors that can take place as easily online as they can in real life. To find out more about infidelity in the digital age, I started with the research.

              McDaniel, Drouin, and Cravens recently investigated the relationship between social media use, attachment style, and relationship satisfaction. To understand participants social media use, they asked questions about online behavior (such as “I sometimes chat with past romantic partners,” or “I give people online personal, emotional information instead of my partner”) and about perceptions of their behavior (“I would feel uncomfortable if my partner read my online messages”). Overall, few participants reported infidelity related (IR) behaviors or perceptions; however, in those that did, researchers found that couples who reported higher IR engagement and also showed lower relationship satisfaction, a relationship they interpret to be bi-directional. Additionally, despite both insecure attachment styles predicting increased IR engagement, it was anxiously attached participants that showed the most significant correlation to lower relationship satisfaction.

              I was curious about how these results may be altered if the behavioral and perceptual categorize had been distinguished. Lauren, a third-year student here at CSU, considers herself generally securely attached to her long-term boyfriend but, when distressed, leans toward avoidant. She provided some comments on this topic, saying:

              “I think people write too many labels about what is or is not ‘really’ cheating; a 3 second hug is fine, but a 6 second hug would basically be an affair. I don’t want to be like that, though, especially when it comes to online. I never want to ask him [her boyfriend] about how many girls he follows on Instagram, or how often he likes their pictures. He knows in his heart if he is doing something wrong and, eventually, whether he wants to tell me or not, the effects of that will be seen in our relationship. ‘Really cheating’ is not the only justifiable reason to end things.”

              This statement was very interesting to me in the context of the study, since several participants were concerned about their partner seeing their messages but did not report actually doing anything they or their partner would consider wrong. Based on Lauren’s experience, it could be true that internet usage becomes a problem only when the couple thinks it is a problem, regardless of their real online behavior. However, this is likely not true in all cases. For example, if one partner has been unfaithful online by sending clearly flirtatious message, let’s say, then the other partner might have heightened awareness of their actions in the future. This would be an example of how behavior, not just their thoughts, impact the relationship and change patterns. If you have never experienced infidelity and have a happy relationship, I can imagine that you would have different opinions on trust than if you had been in negative or unfaithful relationships, especially if you are already prone to attachment anxiety.

              What are your thoughts and experiences related to online infidelity? Do you think infidelity related behavior is the cause of relationship problems, or simply a manifestation of them? Do you think your own history and attachment style influence the limits you set for your partner? I would love to hear from you!

 

Harvey, A. (2021). Infidelity and Affairs [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402. 

https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/133036/pages/module-11-

overview?module_item_id=4055561.

McDaniel, B. T., Drouin, M., & Cravens, J. D. (2017). Do you have anything to hide? Infidelity-related

behaviors on social media sites and marital satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 66, 88–

95. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2016.09.031