Last year, a close friend of mine and recent graduate from
CSU, Cassidy, went through a whirlwind relationship that ended in heartbreak.
Now in a much healthier relationship, she sat down with me and opened up about
where she thinks it at all went wrong. Having prior knowledge of attachment
styles, she immediately labeled herself as very high on attachment anxiety, and
identified with many of the characteristics described by Dr. Harvey (2021) such
as a constant need for reassurance, a need to be close to her partner, and fear
that she is more interested in the relationship than her partner is. She
guessed that her previous partner was also anxiously attached and exhibited
many of the same behaviors as herself.
Cassidy
says that at the start of the relationship, everything was perfect. She had
never dated another woman, so it was their immediate chemistry and attraction
that made her willing to go public. She mentions that, having no experience in
a queer relationship, she thought their quick obsession with each other was
normal, stating, “I know how close I am with my female friends, so it just made
sense that having a romantic version of that closeness would be incredibly
intense.” Quickly, though, their bond became toxic. Her partner was
increasingly insisting on more and more time together, sharing deeper aspects
of their personal lives, and feeling jealous about her other friends or
hobbies. “I noticed that I started hiding her behavior from my friends,
claiming that I was the one who had set up a date, or that I agreed with her
about sharing our phone passwords and monitoring each other’s time,” Cassidy
said.
I asked
Cassidy about how they acted when they were actually together. She explained
that conversations started out happy, but soon became centered on undermining
and questioning. Her girlfriend often accused her of not loving her enough, or
not spending enough time with her. In the moment, she would often accept blame
and apologize, but then later she would start her own argument, looking for
revenge. I followed up with this by asking how that compared to her current
relationship. She replied: “I did grow a lot from that relationship, so in some
ways I was more ready for my new one. In a lot of ways, though, I am the same.
The real difference is my new partner. She understands my anxiety, and we
balance each other out. Every conversation doesn’t have to escalate, even ones
that are challenging. I feel more like myself with her.”
Cassidy perceives her new partner
to be securely attached, unlike herself and her previous partner, who she
identified as anxiously attached. Research from Domingue and Mollen indicated
that couples with 2 securely attached partners had less negative communication
styles, less demand-withdraw patterns, less avoidance, and less withholding
compared to couples with at least one insecurely attached partner. In other
words, 2 securely attached individuals showed better overall communication
skills. Yet, unlike other studies, their data did not find that having one
securely attached partner and one insecurely attached partner (like Cassidy’s
relationship) was beneficial (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Although Domingue
and Mollen’s results did not support this, one could see how having one person
with secure attachment in the couple may improve communication, such as in the
case of Cassidy and her new partner, so more research in this area is
necessary.
Personally, I relate to Cassidy’s experience,
and feel that my partner greatly impacts my attachment style as well as how I
communicate attachment related needs. If you are willing to share your thought
or experiences on this, please do! You may help other students overcome their
messy relationships, or remind them that they are not alone.
Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and
conflict communication in adult romantic
relationships. Journal of
Social & Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696. https://doi-
org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407509347932
Harvey, A.
(2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved
from Colorado State
University Canvas site
for HDFS 402. https://colostate.instructure.com/
courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.
Hi Madie! I found your post to be very interesting! From my own personal experiences as well I feel as though my attachment with partners depends on our communication. I never really realised the importance of communication within a relationship until I started college and matured. Poor communication has always seemed to led to me or my partner feeling like infidelity is occuring or that the other is losing interest. When this happens things become assumed and turn into something that is not wanted. I have worked on saying how I feel and not holding back and I have seen a huge change in my relationship. We both trust each other more and don't feel the need to assume.
ReplyDeleteMadie,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy reading your posts! As someone with an anxious attachment style myself, I have always wondered what it would be like to be in a couple where both partners have an anxious attachment style. I have personally only been in relationships with people that are securely attached or have an avoidant insecure attachment which seemed to work better than what I would imagine an anxious-anxious relationship to look like. With that being said, I wanted to address the second-to-last paragraph of your post. Partners that are securely attached obviously have the healthiest forms of communication and other aspects of their relationship. However, I think that it can be very beneficial for people with an insecure attachment to be with someone that has a secure attachment in order to work towards security for themselves. As someone with an anxious attachment style, it can be extremely difficult to feel safe and secure with another person that has an insecure attachment. But when I am with someone that has a secure attachment, I am better able to communicate and begin to relearn my attachment style.
I feel like this post can relate to so many people especially college aged kids. I definitely had the experience with a “toxic” ex-boyfriend that makes us question our own selves in our relationships. I can relate to the part where you talk about your friend covering up her partners behavior to make it seem more okay by your friends. I think it is so important to learn about these red flags before we get into something very serious with someone. I know from my experience; I had been dating him for 2 years so letting go was so hard for me. In the end however, it was the best decision for myself and my future.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie!
ReplyDeleteYour blog post title immediately caught my attention! I really enjoyed reading through your thoughts and interview summary. I am also someone who falls victim to my anxious attachment style tendencies. It seems as though any time I engaged in a romantic partnership, I was always the one who not only had more interest, but also had more worry that any bump in the road would ultimately result in a fiery car crash, with my fragile heart at the center of the explosion (that may be a little dramatic lol). I would always ask "is everything ok?", or "am I annoying you?". Looking back now, after developing a deeper understanding of myself, and with the help of my pre-existing attachment style knowledge, I can reflect an how often I let my attachment style create chaos within my relationships. Thank you for sharing, I feel like this post is extremely relatable, and by normalizing it maybe more people will seek out help so that their attachment style does not appear in the form of shackles within their relationships.
Hi Madie!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Cassidy's story about her toxic relationship. I feel like most young people go through a friendship or a romantic relationship that they love at first but end up realizing that it isn't best for them to stay in those relationships. I had a similar experience but with a group of friends in high school. I was a pretty different personality type than most of them and although the friendships were great in the beginning, they ended up emotionally draining and stressful. I think that it's very healthy to want to have relationships with people somewhat similar to yourself and doing so can make those relationships last longer and be more fruitful.
Although I have had a boyfriend throughout the whole pandemic, I still understand how social distancing can affect attachment style. I am still in my current relationship, but I do feel like when another guy is giving me attention that I tend to entertain more than I would have before the pandemic. I feel like since we were all shut off from meeting new people and having human interactions, I personally seem to get more attached an AM much more open to talking to strangers. For example, I was at a bar a few weeks ago having drinks for my friend's 21st birthday and I guy came up to me and we started having just a casual conversation and I loved the attention that I got from him although it's not like I'm not getting any attention from my significant other. Therefore, when he asked me for my Snapchat, I gave it to him without even thinking twice although if this would have been before the pandemic, I don't think I would have shared that information with him or even talked to him for time that we talked. Also, since him and I talked I felt like I wanted to get out of my current relationship which I feel like definitely would not have happened if it wasn't for being so isolated and not being able to have these experiences for the last year and a half. I felt like that one experience was very eye opening considering I didn't think that I would act like that but in the moment that is how I responded so it was interesting to look back at how I was feeling during that situation and how my significant other makes me feel.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Cassidy, and I feel like my partner definitely impacts the strength of my attachment style. My attachment style is anxious although I feel it can change some depending on who my partner is. If I have a partner who I feel like I can trust, then I think the anxiety decreases personally. I think a lot of it does depend on how your partner is in a relationship. If your partner is not good at communicating or showing affection, I feel like more women would struggle with being in a relationship with them. Although everyone's attachment style is different there are still needs and wants that most everyone feels that they deserve, and they need to maintain their happiness.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie!
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be extremely informing and relatable to many individuals especially in young adulthood. I have always wondered if my attachment style was ruining my relationship as I am very anxious. I find myself thinking the worst and I am always nervous that it will get to the point that my partner cannot handle it anymore. I think understanding the importance of a secure and insecure attachment between two individuals will help people better understand their relationships and if they are healthy or not. I find that understanding how beneficial a secure attachment can be will be very beneficial with my future as a therapist.
Your post is very interesting! First, I really like that you used your learned knowledge from class to sort of interview your friend Cassidy and share what you know. When one of my friends ended their toxic relationship and started a new one months later, I noticed that their new relationship is much healthier. Now that I think about it, it was because their ex-partner was also very high on attachment anxiety, just as my friend was. They are now with a partner who is more securely attached, and their relationship is interestingly healthy, "best relationship I've ever had" as my friend says. Thank you for your insights!
ReplyDeleteThis blog caught my attention the right way. It caught my attention because of my attachment style, which is anxious attachment. Hearing Cassidy’s story allowed me to recognize that toxic relationships are more common than you think. Since I have previously been in a toxic relationship, it was interesting to see how attachment styles could potentially negatively impact you and your partner's relationship. I recognize that having an anxious attachment may be annoying for the other person in the relationship. I need to understand that taking a step back is ok and understanding my attachment style better could help my future relationships. While reading this blog, I felt more confident that everyone should give their space when needed. Allowing space in a relationship could result in a better connection, happiness, and more success in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis blog was so interesting to read about, and I feel like I relate to Cassidy's experience a lot. I think I started the relationship with a secure attachment style, but it quickly shifted to anxious attachment due to the toxicity of the relationship. My partner had more of an avoidant attachment style, so it was a constant demand-withdraw situation when mixed with my anxious attachment style. I recognize now that certain attachment styles do not seem to go well with each other. Avoidant and anxious attachment styles need the complete opposite in a relationship, so it was always difficult to meet each other's needs. I feel much more confident with my attachment style now that I know what I need in a relationship to feel connected.
ReplyDeleteHey Madie!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post, as I am in a relationship of my own and constantly communicate with him about what I learn about attachment styles, and we analyze what aspects we have of different ones in order to have the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. That must have been really hard for your friend and her girlfriend to go through these things, and having a lot of conflict and jealousy. I am glad to hear that your friend has learned from that past relationship and can maybe be more aware of these aspects in a relationship. Thank you for sharing!
Hi there! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with this subject. It is so hard to try and change or adapt to your own attachment styles, and even harder to try to account for someone else's. I think my boyfriend and I both cycle between attachment styles which is also really hard but I think we have both learned a lot about each other and when we are feeling a certain way. We have also worked a lot on communicating when we feel these changes in attachment coming. We both struggle a bit with mental health issues during the winter months so communication during this time is exceptionally important. I find myself becoming more anxious in my attachment and he becomes more avoidant in his attachment. I definitely think that as people we can learn to be securely attached as we get to know our SOs better and as we heal ourselves from previous traumas, big and small. Attachment styles are tricky but I think we can learn to be more secure in our attachment styles with the appropriate partner and communication and openness. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello! I enjoyed reading your blog post very much. After reading your post I realized that I am also high on attachment anxiety like your close friend Cassidy. I recently got out of a 4-year relationship and the more I look back the more I realize that I needed to feel loved by him. I was always questioning whether he actually loved me or not and needed to be with him 24/7. He on the other hand tried to reassure me that he did love me and had no problem with the way I was acting but I always thought he was lying. I also think that attachment styles are a huge thing in relationships. I know that maybe if I had a different attachment style I would have prevented a lot of arguments in my past relationship.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post is very interesting to read. I have a close friend who is very high on attachment anxiety. I can match up many anxiety attachment style characteristics with her personality in a romantic relationship when I listened to Dr. Harvey’s Couples and Attachment lecture. I think she is in an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend because she is very insecure. She thinks her boyfriend will cheat on her even when he just hangs out with a normal female friend. She wants her boyfriend to share his location on a phone app; otherwise, she will be unhappy about it. Her boyfriend is also my friend, and once he told me that he was very tired out of their relationship. But he is always afraid to mention breaking up because he does not want to hurt her feelings. I feel sorry for both of them, but I can’t do anything because I know they need to figure this out by themselves.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your blog. From personal experience I have not been in a toxic relationship, but I can see how attachment styles can impact both people in the relationship. For one of them, being open and spending time with each other is a way to show affection and love for one another. For the other one, these behaviors are becoming too much to handle to the point where they are a bit obsessive. Being in this kind of relationship is not healthy for either of them, and I truly hope that if some is in this relationship they would help either as a couple for themselves. My advice would be to communicate and set boundaries one what is acceptable and what is not.
I had a close friend who also had a relatively unhealthy long-term relationship. After Dr. Harvey’s class she was also able to make some realizations about the nature of her previous relationship. Their relationship started off very loving and similarly to your friend, it started very very quickly. The public relationship happened immediately, the “I love you’s” quickly followed. It became unhealthy and toxic just as quickly. I had never considered a lack of attachment compatibility being a contributing factor to their eventual demise. The notion that toxic relationships could be a result of incompatibility attachment wise as opposed to simply bad people or people who are not mentally available. It can be about more rudimentary causes.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog post and I think that the fact that I have been seeing a lot of stuff regarding this topic on my social media recently is really awesome. As someone who tends to have more of an avoidant attachment style, I find myself having to navigate through dating people who have more anxious attachment styles. This pairing can present a lot of difficulties, as I tend to have to make extra efforts to make sure that I am not exacerbating my partner’s anxious tendencies, while also not making myself uncomfortable by expressing myself in ways that go beyond my own personal comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteHi Maddie, I enjoyed reading your post about attachment styles and how they can affect your relationship. I notice my boyfriend has an anxious attachment style and loses control of his worries and emotions sometimes. It is difficult to manage sometimes because I believe I am avoidant, so I lose my patience quickly. However, we have talked, and he tries to calm himself and his thoughts before reacting impulsively. It is sad that some people reach such limits because when you care you do not want to leave, some people think they can "fix" their partner. If the relationship becomes too toxic it should end because it can become unhealthy. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI found your post very interesting because not only am I learning that I may have an anxious attachment style, but I watched my sister go through a relationship just like your friend when my sister first came out as being gay. She had told me after getting out of this relationship that her girlfriend at the time took advantage of the fact that my sister had never been in a same-sex relationship before and used that to isolate my sister from our family and all of her friends. I asked my sister if there was anything that she had learned from this relationship and she told me that she learned some of the warning signs of someone who has an anxious attachment style and she knows that she does not benefit from a relationship like that.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this post it made me think of my own personal experience as well as experiences my friends have delt with in the past as well. My last boyfriend and I’s relationship was good at the beginning but as time progressed, like Cassidy’s situation, it digressed into more of a toxic relationship that neither of us really knew how to get out of. I think that by being in a toxic relationship (like Cassidy’s) it makes you realize what is good for you, what isn’t, and what to look for in a new partner. I related to Cassidy in the fact that with my last relationship we both had the attachment style of high attachment anxiety, and both needed constant reassurance, the need to be close to one another, and fears that the other is not as interested in the relationship than the other and therefore lacked trust because of these things. I am no longer in that relationship and while I’m not actively seeking a new partner, I know what to look for while keeping my options open! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Madie,
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this post, I was very interested in discovering how attachment style could relate to heartbreak. In the story where you described a situation that Cassidy experienced, I immediately related to the impact of my own partner’s attachment style. While being anxiously attached myself with a securely attached partner, I feel like he can impact my own attachment style. With the situation of needing to be close with my partner, he understands this but is also helpful in creating boundaries and showing me how to value my alone time. I feel like contrary to the Domingue and Mollen study, I feel like having two different attachment styles has helped our communication. Great post!
Hi Madie,
ReplyDeleteHaving been in a toxic relationship where I was the one who was anxiously attached, and my partner was avoidant and anxiously attached I can totally relate to Cassidy. I went through a lot of similar things, the phone password, monitoring who I talked to and spent my time with, basically wanting to have control over where I went and what I did. It took me WAY to long to get out of this cycle and break up with this person, I was hooked on a string, and I continued to get pulled back in. Once I did end the relationship I started dating again and not long after found my current boyfriend who is a complete 180 from my last relationship. He started off the relationship anxiously attached due to his background of parental separation that his parents went through when he was in his early teens. Despite this aspect of his life, he and I have been able to grow and shape our attachments into a more secure style which is so exciting, seeing that there is an ability to grow with your partner together to become not only the best version of yourself, but also the best version of a couple that you can be is so exciting. Once my attachment style started to shift, I found that I was disappointed in our relationship a lot less, and now find that I am only upset or worried when I revert back to the anxious attachment. Asking myself if he still loves me because we had a small argument, or when his tone changes, I am worried. These are the only times I am ever sad because I am creating the situations myself in my mind! So, the thought of my attachment being the only thing to break my heart is pretty accurate. Thanks for the post, I really enjoyed reading it!
Hi Madie,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you sharing this story as I have experienced many challenges in my current relationship due to our different attachment styles. When we first met it was just like cassie's relationship, we clicked right away and had no awkwardness. As time went on his anxious attachment style began to show as he began to question where I was, who I was with, and if I was as invested in the relationship as he was. Many of these fears came from previous relationships he had so I was understanding but it was stressful for me and overwhelming. I have an avoidant attachment style in relationships so I do not enjoy communicating every little things and always being together, I like a little space to think by myself. It took some time to learn what each other's triggers are and how to reassure the other when these conflicts arise. Our relationship has grown much stronger and healthier after developing better communication and trust. This seems to be a topic that many college students can relate to.
During my first semester of freshman year in college, I got into a relationship almost right away. I should have not gotten into this relationship so quickly because my attachment style was also very high on anxiety. My attachment style was very high on anxiety because I was cheated on in my last relationship. Being high on anxiety in this next relationship, just made it so difficult for me. I was needing constant reassurance and I was always on edge. I wanted to trust my partner, but it was so hard to do so. I found myself being completely drained mentally and physically from this past relationship.
ReplyDeleteHey Madie!
ReplyDeleteThis was a super interesting post! I think attachment is so interesting and how it can fluctuate, especially how your partner can affect it. I can absolutely relate to this as when I was involved in a situationship earlier this year I felt that I never knew where I stood in the relationship and with my already anxious/avoidant attachment style this did not feel great. After this fizzled out I really thought about it in terms of attachment and reading this also made me think about how it shows what is good for you and how you need to communicate.
Hi Madie! I loved this blog post, thank you for all of your thoughts and experiences! My personal attachment style learns more towards anxious-secure attachment which can be hard to navigate at times. Similar to your friend's experience, I also feel the need for reassurance and when it lacks in my relationships I often withdraw. Luckily enough, my current partner is securely attached and we often have conversations that make me realize that my anxious attachment style is not a burden to relationships and it is simply hte way my brain reacts in relationships. Thank you for sharing this story, as it has humanized my own relationships experiences.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting post! I feel like when we go into relationships we don't often think about or consider our personal attachment styles or the other's attachment style and how the two may influence one another. I have a more anxious attachment style, however, in my previous relationship my partner was more avoidant. When things got difficult I would want more reassurance, while my partner would close up which was hard for me. Going through that breakup was hard, but I learned a lot about myself in the process. I think there should be more general knowledge surrounding attachment styles because there are so many people who don't understand their attachments and I think it would really benefit relationships. Thank you for sharing your friend's story, it reminds us that we're not alone!
ReplyDeleteHi Maddie, I thought your topic was interesting to read. I never thought about how our attachment styles can affect our love relationships. When reading your blog, I was able to think about my past relationships and could relate to your friend Cassidy. My previous relationship was much like Cassidy's. My ex at the time would always accuse me of something I didn't do, and that conversation would turn into a huge blowout fight in the end where I would have to apologize. However, my partner now is more of a secure attachment style, and so when I have troubles or questions, he can calm me down and talk through our problems without it turning into a fight. Overall I loved reading your post, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI resonated with this blog post a lot, on the side of Cassidy. I have been in past relationships where I felt as though I had to apologize for things I did not even realize I was doing, and that I felt like my partner was invading my privacy and asking for things I could not give at the time. However, I have traditionally had an anxious attachment style, and have noticed those qualities coming out in my current relationship. I have had trust issues in the past with ex-boyfriends, and I think sometimes I project my past into the present. I sometimes worry about the things my partner is doing, but I am always mindful to communicate and be honest with my partner if I have any concerns or feelings. My partner has such a secure attachment style and is so carefree that he never worries about me and doesn’t think constant communication (texting), is always necessary, but sometimes I wish he would, in order to give me the reassurance I need from him due to the emotional trauma from my past relationships.
ReplyDeleteYour post about Cassidy was really powerful and shares a very common occurrence in many relationships. I remember my first relationship and how it relates even though it was a heterosexual relationship. I always wanted to be around because it was an intense connection to have with someone else. Knowing what they felt for me was how I felt about them was crazy to comprehend so I always wanted to be reminded. Mine did not have such a dramatic end but this post made me realize why it had to end. Now that Cassidy is aware of her attachment style, hopefully this can help prevent such whirlwinds.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi,
ReplyDeleteI think this blog post is extremely important. Some of the language your friend Cassidy uses is very telling to how a seemingly good and happy relationship can become problematic. Unfortunately, I can relate to this because I absolutely have an anxious attachment style. I tend to get anxious about a partner’s feelings towards me, and in turn I tend to push people away so that we don’t get the change to be upset at each other, and I don’t have to worry about whether or not they like me as much as I like them. Is this a healthy coping mechanism? No. Have I been doing it for the last year? Yes. I think this post goes to show that a relationship is not doing well when you begin rationalizing and making excuses for your behavior or your partner’s behavior. It’s always better to communicate and reciprocate when it comes to relationships.
Hi Madi,Thank you for creating this really well-written and thought-provoking blog post! You brought up some strong points in regards to how one’s partner can greatly impact one’s attachment style while in a relationship. I believe when I am single and not currently in a relationship, I have a completely different attachment style than I do when I am in an active relationship. Your blog post reminded me of how impactful someone can be to your relationship and that balance is vital in fostering a well-balanced relationship. I enjoyed reading your piece and it was an easy-to-read post that I would read in my free time!
ReplyDeleteHey Madie!
ReplyDeleteI thought your blog post was very interesting! I connect a lot with your friend, Cassidy, because I have a very high anxiety attachment style. I worry about things that don’t need to be worried about. I think it does affect my relationships because it puts a lot of strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. I do question a lot of different things, but that is just because I have that anxiety attachment style. It tended to mess with all my other relationships. Over COVID-19, I started dating my best friend from high school, and he is so important to me that I knew I couldn’t let my attachment mess this up. I decided I was going to be completely honest with him about my anxiety in relationships. He was thankful I told him that information, and he explained to me that by him knowing that information can strengthen our relationship, and it did. Maybe, Cassidy should try this with her new relationships, it helped me! Great job!
Immediately beginning the blog post, I identified with all of the characteristics that Cassidy is identifying with. Definitely, the part where you mentioned that she feared she was more interested in the relationship than her partner was a characteristic I haven’t heard before but identify with wholeheartedly because I exhibit this all the time. It is interesting that you say she guessed about her partner’s attachment style and wasn’t certain about it. Hearing the change that Cassidy endured from her previous relationship to this one was saddening because it is clear that even the smallest interactions turned uncomfortable for her previous relationship. And hearing the comparison of the two is clear that Cassidy is welcoming growth and even though she doesn’t feel like she has changed-, because on of the partners in the cycle changed she is already showing the capability to alter her behavior. I am an anxious-secure attachment style individual in my relationship and my boyfriend is avoidant secure and we both have to make an exaggerated effort to ensure communication is appropriate for the relationship and doesn't lead to demand-withdraw or other toxic cycles. We have put a lot of effort into healthy communication and I put a lot of work in personally in my own communication style making an effort to be clear and not contemptuous or critical.
ReplyDeleteHi Maddie! I really enjoyed reading this blog and found it really applicable to my life as well. I really connected and agree with how much of a partners attachment style impacts our own attachment style. This makes so much sense but is something I had never really thought about or put together. I found it really interesting how because of your friends attachment style and her partners attachment style they impacted each other and changed the relationship because of how much they both needed reassurance! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Madie,
ReplyDeleteI found this article particularly interesting because it said that attachment style relates to heartbreak. As a result of our different attachment styles, I've had many challenges in my current romantic life. Just like Cassie, when I first met people, we clicked right away and we do not have any awkwardness. Being close to any person that becomes my partner creates a secure attachment which is important to me, but they also show me how to set boundaries and value my alone time by helping me create boundaries. Despite my secure attachment style, I also feel like I have an avoidant attachment style in relationships, so I dislike talking about every little thing and being with them all the time. I like to have a little space to think things through on my own. Your story is very interesting. I appreciate you sharing it with us.
The attachment style of an individual and his/her partner is a huge indicator on the happiness and success of that relationship. It is so interesting to me how our attachment styles are formed as children and are correlated with romantic attachment styles as adults, but attachment styles can also differ in relationships with different people. Many years ago, I was in a relationship like Cassidy where my partner had an anxious attachment, which in many ways led me to developing an insecure attachment. Although that relationship left some attachment anxiety and avoidance, I was able to recover and learn from that, and even though some avoidance tendencies pop up, I am able to reflect acknowledge those attachment tendencies and correct myself, and now I am in a secure relationship with a new partner who also as a more secure attachment style.
ReplyDeleteGiven my anxious attachment style, I can say that I have had countless experiences similar to Cassidy’s. My current relationship started out very rocky, especially once we began getting comfortable with each other and our anxious attachment styles came to light. We often argued about our insecurities, and it caused a significant strain on our relationship. Though we were arguing because we were fearful about losing one another, it pulled us further and further apart until we split up and did not have contact for months. This was a difficult time for me, especially since my ex was my best friend for over a year. However, after identifying the ways in which my attachment anxiety interfered with our relationship, I decided to reach out to him and see if we could give it another try. I believe that being able to acknowledge my toxic behaviors that are a reflection of my anxiety has been very beneficial to me and my mental health. I have also been able to communicate and process my emotions more effectively. After my partner and I have worked on our insecurities, we both have a much more secure attachment to one another.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie,
ReplyDeleteIn almost every case of relationships, it seems like attachment style acts as the culprit of any fallout, or success. What it comes down to in every relationship- whether it be with friends, family, or significant others- one's attachment style can play such a big role. It sounds like your friend started off the relationship in an exciting, harmless way (like the “honeymoon” stage), but then things quickly turned downhill, like with all the uncomfortable questioning. Even though it wasn’t the most secure relationship, it still acts as a learning experience (this is what I try to tell myself when something goes wrong- something good still comes out of the negative). That way, she can take that past experience and be aware of the red flags are in the future. I’m so glad she has found herself in a better relationship!
I related heavily to this blog post and what this couple experienced. I also feel I am high on the anxious attachment style and show characteristics like wanting to spend a lot of time with my partner and accusing them of not living me when there isnt a clear sign of affection in fear of abandonment. Reading this blog post I understand the other perspective and how this can be overwhelming and show negative consequences. Having a way of effectively communicating emotions without starting arguments or feeling less loved than before are healthier steps in growing a more secure attachment and understanding eachother different love languages, I have found a partner now who has is so understanding of my emotions and has helped me through these insecurities, we have made a lot of progress towards a more secure relationship!
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar case to Cassidy, I had a partner who was similar to be in the sense that we always wanted to be with each other. At first it was good and she was very understanding of me needing physical contact. Slowly she started to get annoyed, lashing out towards me, making up excuses to not hang out and ignoring my messages. When I finally confronted what was happening and talked to her, she was open and honest about what she was feeling. I truly fell head over heels for her and because of who I am and the constant reassurance I always needed.
ReplyDeleteI believe that I have more of an anxious attachment style. In past relationships, I have found myself obsessing over my partner and worrying over many issues. Depending on the type of person I am with, the conversations would go really good or really bad. If my partner is securely attached then the conversations would not escalate as much or as quickly. If they were avoidant or anxious then the conversations would take more negative sides to it. Two people in a relationship could definitely affect one another by their attachment styles. Learning your partner and what they need will benefit each other in communicating.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie,
ReplyDeleteI found your post to be really interesting. I knew attachment styles played a part in relationships, but I have never really thought about my attachment style in a relationship. Personally, I believe that in a relationship my attachment style overall, has been secure. However, I have noticed that in some prior relationships my attachment style has been more towards the anxious style of attachment. As well, thinking more about attachment styles, I can definitely see how my friends' attachment styles in relationships have played a part in their relationship. For instance, the past couple relationships my best friend has been in, she definitely showed more of an anxious attachment style.
Hi Madie,
ReplyDeleteComing from an individual who definitely relates to having an anxious attachment style, I felt this post to be so true. Looking at my last relationship, it was with another individual who also shared similar qualities to me. I can attest that things can become extremely difficult and toxic. Where your friend Cassidy and I differ is that I am nervous to open up and have a new relationship due to the fact that all I know is this toxicity. I believe that reading your post gave me a little bit of hope. Obviously there are things that I need to work on regarding my attachment style, but reading that there are people out there who are willing to help me work through it is a breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing this.
I also think that I have an anxious attachment style, specifically in romantic relationships. I tend to get anxious that everyone in my life hates me, and this tendency is amplified when I am in a romantic relationship. As a result of that I know that I seek a lot of reassurance from my partner, but I make sure to communicate to him why I feel like I need the reassurance. Though he may get annoyed or upset at my constant need for reassurance, I know he understands why I need it and I know that he will do everything he can to help me feel more secure in my relationship with him. This article was incredibly validating, and the comments above were as well.
ReplyDeleteThis post was hard to read because of how intensely a significant other can affect you and your mental health as well as your attachment style. This doesn't surprise me because attachment styles can differ with every relationship for an individual and how the other person in the relationship is. I feel I used to have much more unhealthy relationships with people because of my anxious attachment style, but as I have grown up, I feel I've become a little more secure in them, so there isn't as much toxicity. I think I have also developed some relationships where I don't have as anxious of an attachment style because the other individual in our relationship has a more intense anxious attachment style, so I balance it out through being more secure or avoidant with them I feel.
ReplyDeleteIn Is Your Attachment Style Breaking Your Heart, I found these blog posts really fun! Personally, I feel that this post relates to me in some ways. I believe that my attachment style is secure. With this, I feel that it is easy for me to become close with a possible interest in a guy, but at the same time can be an issue for me. I feel that I allow myself to form feelings and or connections without fully understanding what the guy's intentions are. With this, it is easy for me to get hurt and or mislead. I tend to have high standards and expectations, so it is not often that I find myself falling for multiple guys.
ReplyDeleteI am currently going through a breakup and learning to recognize my attachment styles. I feel like I have been caught analyzing everyone else’s attachment styles without really taking a step back and looking at my own. I have now realized I have an anxious attachment style, which I can now see in my relationships with my parents and friends. I was taught that a secure attachment style was the gold standard. The research used in this blog post really highlights the benefits of having a secure attachment style in relationships. I am interested to see what percentage of both partners in a relationship have secure attachment styles. Personally, I feel like it is more common to have only one person who has a secure attachment. I agree with your idea that having one person with a secure attachment style is better than having none.
ReplyDeleteIn my previous relationship my partner had an avoidant attachment style. This was very difficult to work around because if I ever wanted to go out, he wouldn’t walk next to me, he would walk Infront of me. He never introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend only as a friend. When working out at the same gym he told me to not make it look like we are together, no eye contact, to toughing, nothing. For the longest time I wondered if there was something wrong with me but after we split, I took 2 years to myself and found myself a man who treats me well like a princess honestly and his secure attachment style is exactly what compliments mine.
ReplyDeleteMy previous relationship was very similar to Cassidy's. My ex-boyfriend was amazing at first. Over time, as we got closer, he started to show manipulative and toxic tendencies. I had a pretty secure attachment until it started going downhill. When I moved to college, we weren't working out and were fighting constantly. I tried to break it off with him many times, and each time he threatened to hurt himself if I ended it. Although, this is just the tip of the iceberg. The insecurity of my attachment really was damaging. I really resonated with Cassidy's story. Being with my now boyfriend, I have developed a secure attachment and I’m so much more at ease.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I've seen relationships like Cassidys, where its somewhat unhealthy and always feels like someones questioning or undermining the other individual in the relationship. Obviously, part of that has always been me in my previous relationship, which fits because I'd say I have a more insecure attachment style usually, which might be the reason for this occurring. Like Cassidy, it'd always start of great, almost perfect even, yet eventually it'd turn sour and go down the drain quite quickly just about every time. The best thing an individual can do after a relationship like Cassidy's ending is to learn from the relationship and take the failed aspects and make them into lessons.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog and really related to many aspects of it. I have been dating my girlfriend for three years now and she is the first woman I have been with. I think we both have secure attachment styles and we do have great communication now, but in the past, I can say I had some anxiety due to outside factors affecting our relationship. I think once we learned how to listen to both perspectives, we were able to communicate effectively and come to a place where we worked on our relationship and grew out of those not so fun times. Now we are doing great and cherish the great communication we have.
Reading this blog post was extremely interesting for me because I have definitely been in a similar position as Cassidy. Last year I went through a break up and by the end of that I definitely felt like my attachment style and my ex partners attachment style was extremely anxious. Now I am in a healthy relationship and while I still feel like my attachment style is more on the anxious side and with an individual in a secure attachment style and I have definitely seen myself grow. I don’t need as much reassurance and I am able to trust my partner a lot more than I was in the past. I definitely feel like being with somebody more secure attachment style is definitely better for not only my attachment style but also for my personality.
ReplyDeleteThis is an extremely interesting blog post. I did not know that research showed that 2 securely attached individuals have better communication strategies and are probably more likely to stay together. I have seen many relationships like Cassidy's especially as a college student. In college students are surrounded by more people who are potential romantic partners than ever. This can cause people in relationships to be anxiously attached which ignites more of those tendencies that Cassidy experienced in her past relationship. I haven't been in many relationships but when watching some of my friends, some of their issues start when one person has an anxious attachment.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with your end statement that attachment depends a lot on the partner that you are dating. For reference, I have an insecure anxious attachment style. I have dated people with insecure attachment styles and I have dated someone with a secure attachment style (my current partner) and I have definitely noticed a difference in my coping and reactions to things. When I dated someone who also had an insecure attachment style, I was more on edge and constantly needed reassurance that the relationship was good. My current partner (who is securely attached) gives me no reason to worry, so I usually don't. I no longer need reassurance, however, sometimes it is nice to hear. Dating someone who is securely attached has been a lot less stressful in my personal experience.
ReplyDeleteI can personally identify with Cassidy's as well experience and believe that every single boyfriend that I have had has made a significant influence on both my attachment style and the way I express needs linked to attachment. In the past, I have had a partner that had a severe anxious attachment and I knew that the relationship was starting to get toxic in some areas. I always felt like we argued more than anything over little petty things, I would be surprised when we would go a whole day without arguing. But I am thankful for the experiences nonetheless because without them I wouldn't be who I am today.
ReplyDeleteHello! I believe I have had many partners who had the same attachment style as me, which is anxious attachment. I have had the same experience as your sister, Cassidy, in many relationships. It is so interesting to learn about now, and hear other people's experiences, because it seems like it just makes so much sense. It's like having a million "a-ha!" moments. I had an almost-relationship with someone who would question me, make up scenarios in his head, and get mad at me when he would do the same thing to me. So far, I have not had good luck in a relationship like this. However, I think if both partners in the relationship are aware of their attachment style and have good a communication system, the couple could make it work if there is effort, warmth, and trust.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie! I’m glad you shared Cassidy’s story. I can relate to everything that she went through. My ex and I both had an anxious attachment style that caused horrible arguments between us during this time. I would also take the blame for everything until it got out of hand. However, I could understand how having two people with different attachment styles could also cause issues. If someone I am dating does not show all of the characteristics of an anxious attachment, I get very insecure in the relationship. However, I could also see how it could just be a personal issue that I experience from trauma that has not been dealt with.
ReplyDeleteI think that your attachment style speaks a lot about who you are and then develops into your relationship. It is very important to really understand how your partner may be different to you, but you also have to respect that. For example, one of my best friends is dating someone that has an anxious attachment style. From what she has told me, he gets jealous and insecure that she will leave him and never really seems confident in the relationship, yet relies on her for his own happiness. My friend is very secure and knows how to trust and respect their relationship. She is also comfortable being alone and often says: “whatever happens, happens.” After asking her if she thinks this is a problem in her relationship, she told me that as long as one of them is secure then she can be providing him with the comfort he needs. But I always thought that would be exhausting. Always trying to make sure the other one is secure seems like a relationship that won’t last long. However, when I explain that to her she says that over time things have gotten better and the longer they date, the more secure he gets. I believe that her attachment style might rub off on him a little bit, but they both need to work on not overloading and expecting too much from their partner.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi!
ReplyDeleteThis was such an interesting blog post to read. I liked that you interviewed your friend that went through the situation that your blog pertained to. I enjoyed learning about how two anxious attachment styles influenced their relationship. I do not believe that all anxious attachment styles would result in a similar relationship, but I do think it is important to be honest with the things that one struggles with in a relationship. I am in a relationship and I think open communication about how one or both of us is feeling in the relationship is so important. We try to limit how much time we spend with each other, so that we still have time to see our friends, work, and engage in activities such as bible study. We both have a secure attachment, so I really related to the research that found that two securely attached partners had less negative communication styles, less demand-withdraw patterns, and less avoidance. Great post!
Hey Madie! I really can relate to this blog post! My attachment style is Cassidy’s attachment style where I need to be close to my partner, and that I would be more interested. I have also had the toxic relationships that was described in this post, where I was always apologizing and by accepting the blame on myself. My current relationships we have the same attachment styles and from the research that was done it was less of negative relationship and more beneficial, because now I am able to learn from cassidy's experience that is similar to mine in the past.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie. I really enjoyed reading your blog because I think there are a lot of things that we may be aware of within relationships, but not willing to identify about our partner just yet. For me, one of the things I used to struggle with was identifying my partners attachment styles and love languages. I always think that love languages play a similar role as attachment styles in the sense that understanding why your partner reacts certain ways may be a result of these things. I have always found myself in the middle of multiple attachment styles, so being upfront about these to partners has always been beneficial for me. From my own experiences and reading this blog, I understand the importance of that more than ever because it really helps one another to understand your thinking when discussing important matters.
ReplyDeleteI think that the types of attachment styles within a relationship can definitely affect the way communication occurs within a relationship. I have a friend who often enters relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style when my friend has an anxious attachment style. My friend was often struggling within their relationships until they started dating someone with a secure attachment style. Based on this example, I totally agree with this blog post and think this proves the blog post’s point. I think that the example of Cassidy also has a time of reflection in her situation because I think that there needs to be a period of singleness in order to reflect on what is actually needed in an individual’s future relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi! I enjoyed your blog and felt like I could relate to Cassidy. I was in a relationship that was a very anxious attachment which turned toxic very quickly. I have been there where that relationship broke me because of my attachment style, so I do think that attachment styles can break your heart. I think that a sense of dependency is in anxious attachment and when someone becomes dependent on another person, you lose a sense of yourself. Therefore, you do cause your own heartbreak because of that need to be close to another person or cling to them. Relationships are meant to better each other and grow together, but in this case, it seems like Cassidy and myself, focused more on making sure that person wouldn’t leave than focusing on making sure we were true to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteHi! I think that in general this blog post has a great way of expressing that it is okay to have certain attachment styles and to also have knowledge of that attachment style. I think that your friend was able to express something that has allowed them to be who they are and grow to understand oneself and now become better in this current relationship. I have a friend, who also has an anxious attachment style, who dated someone with an anxious attachment style as well and had similar results where they became close insanely fast then became argumentative and always expressing jealousy and concern for the amount within the relationship which ended in a horrible breakup. I think these things occur and I think that's why it is important to understand your attachment style and hopefully learn your partners so that it is an open, safe and comfortable relationship.
ReplyDeleteI also identify with being an anxiously attached person. In my last relationship, I did a lot of work to ensure that I was not constantly needing rea assurance, and trying to remind myself that the person who I was with chose me for a reason, and I was in no place to question it. I tried hard to communicate my needs and feelings when they were appropriate, however I was never met with the same courtesy. Towards the end of the relationship was when I had started to revert back into constant anxious attachment. Now that it’s been some time after the relationship, I noticed my partner was extremely avoidant. Coupling his lack of wanting to talk about feelings and get a person, really triggered my anxiousness. I think that having a securely attached person in a relationship is incredibly important to help balance out feeling during times of stress.
ReplyDeleteAnxious attachments in relationships can come off as needy or overbearing, especially if one partner is anxious more than the other or if the other partner is avoidant. Attachment styles affect communication as it did with your friend because needs and feelings will translate to each person differently. In my life, I have an anxious attachment so I appear to want my partner to read my mind (Harvey, 2022). As an anxious individual, I have to work harder to make sure my partner does not become annoyed and communicate how I feel about what I do not want to say out loud.
ReplyDeleteDifferent attachment styles can work differently with other different attachment styles when in a romantic relationship. I have never heard of two people who both have an anxious attachment style, but one partner in the relationship does and the other does not. After reading your story, I thought it was really interesting how this dynamic played out and how this led to a positive outcome with healing and learning from the experience. I have not experienced an anxious attachment style, but I personally would find this hard to balance and take some time to get used to in order to find the right balance for both sides to feel secure.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very interesting to me because I have had a lot of conversations with my partner about attachment styles. Unfortunately he has an avoidant attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style. This is very challenging at times and has almost led to us breaking up multiple times but I have also noticed how much It has improved our communication because we are able to understand why the other person might be acting the way that they are based on our own attachment styles. I hadn’t really thought about any of this in my past relationships or friendships but I wonder how knowing more about attachment styles would have improved or clarified those relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi Madie, I really relate to Cassidy's story. I've been in a few different relationships and have noticed how my attachment style changes based on the person I am with and their attachment style. I've always had a little bit of an anxious attachment style due to mistrust and cheating. My most recent relationship, however, a lot of things changed. I found myself being more secure because he was secure. It was really reassuring to see I wouldn't be stuck in that anxious attachment style as long as I pursue someone who is very secure. It is also good to know that this may be the case for the next person I date, that it could be beneficial to his attachment if I and secure.
ReplyDeleteMany of us tend to seek similar relationships like the ones of our parents. My older sister had a long-term relationship in which she explained a similar situation. In the start it was fun and exciting but eventually it turned into a relationship she promised herself she would never be in. They got into a point where they had no trust and extreme jealousy where they could not even have follow the opposite sex on social media or have friends of the opposite sex. I enjoyed learning about how people with secure attachment styles can help foster healthier relationships. I mean it makes sense, people with secure attachment styles tend to feel safe, stable, satisfied with their close relationships. Indeed leading to having better relationships overall.
ReplyDeleteHi Maddie,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your blog, I felt really connected with Cassidy’s story. I am currently in a relationship and I have known this person for roughly 8 months. I was definitely very anxious and scared to go into a relationship because I just have a fearful attachment style. But communication truly is key, I talked to him about it and we figured things out. Things like how to support one another when we don’t understand each other’s ways of showing affection and etc. He has definitely allowed me to be more open and depend on him at times. So I definitely agree on how attachment styles can change with the person you’re bouncing off of.
I very much related and connected with Cassidys story. In my previous relationship my partner had a very anxious attachment style. They were always unsure of my feelings and asked for reassurance throughout the relationship. I tried to work through this issue, utilizing communication and supporting their feelings. I would tell them that we are together for a reason and that if there was an issue, I would express it. Towards the end of the relationship the anxious attachment style increased. It reached a point where I could not continue to support and validate their feelings when mine were not considered. I learned what attachment styles work best for me and the success of my future relationships.
ReplyDeleteHello! I honestly did not think there were that many people out there that could relate to me or others that have gone through similar things, so I am glad that we have become more united as a community by showing our support and experiences with each other. I was in a toxic relationship once too, at first I did not understand that my partner and I were on different levels with our attachment styles. I had a fearful attachment style while he portrayed an avoidant attachment style, but as I have gone through Dr. Harvey's HDFS class, I have learned what is healthy and what is not in a relationship. From my last relationship, I have learned a lot and reflected on how different attachment styles can affect a relationship, so now I am ready to try a healthy and secure relationship.
ReplyDeleteReading this post made me realize a lot of things. The more I look into attachment styles, the more I understand that I might be anxiously attached. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months now and at times I wonder to myself if I am toxic. I always ask him for reassurance, like if he still loves me, or if he looks at other women, or if he likes his female coworkers. At times, I find myself asking him if he enjoys his hobbies more with his friends or me. I selfishly don't want to end my relationship with him even though I understand that I may not be the healthiest partner. To become securely attached, I want to be better. I want to understand the source of my behaviors and learn to internalize some of the issues I bring into my relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Cassidy’s journey; it’s a powerful illustration of how our experiences shape our understanding of ourselves and our relationships. It’s interesting to see how, with time and reflection, we tend to gain deeper insights into our attachment styles and the dynamics at play in our connections with others.
ReplyDeleteAs Cassidy pointed out, her growth from the whirlwind relationship to a healthier one showcases the importance of learning through experience. Each relationship teaches us valuable lessons, helping us recognize patterns and identify what we truly need from our partners. It’s encouraging to hear that her new partner provides the support and understanding that allows Cassidy to feel more like herself.
I also relate to the idea that our partners significantly impact our attachment styles and communication. It reinforces the notion that we can only grow and understand ourselves better through the ups and downs we encounter in our relationships. Thank you for opening up this conversation—sharing our experiences can indeed help others navigate their own challenges!
I think that attachment style is either a communication blocker or a means to communicate well. I also think that different attachment styles make it more or less difficult to be in a relationship with someone. I also think it is difficult to find 2 people that are both secure attachment styles as well. With that being said, I believe that knowing your own attachment style with help the relationship regardless because that information guides you to resolve issues in a different manner. Being aware of oneself is extremely helpful in relationships, it also helps your partner, that is why communication is so important.
ReplyDeleteLacey
I love how this post provides such valuable insight into how attachment styles can profoundly impact relationships. I’ve seen a similar dynamic play out with my friend. She was in a relationship where both she and her partner had anxious attachment styles. They were constantly seeking validation from each other, which led to frequent misunderstandings and arguments. It became a vicious cycle of needing reassurance but never feeling fully secure. The relationship eventually ended, leaving her feeling even more anxious and insecure. In her current relationship, her partner has a secure attachment style. This partner’s calm and steady approach helped her feel more secure and less anxious. Their communication improved significantly, and she felt more understood and valued. This shows the value of understanding and addressing our attachment styles and how that can help us reach more fulfilling relationships. I think sharing these experiences is very beneficial in helping others feel less alone and encouraging them to seek healthier connections.
ReplyDeleteI think that having an anxious attachment style in itself can be a whirlwind, especially when your partner is unable to understand this. Having an anxious attachment style can come off as clingy, demanding, and insecure in plenty of ways—even if this is not how you’re personally feeling. I think that similarly to what happened to your friend, having a partner who understands and helps you to calm your anxious attachment can significantly lessen its effects. It sounds like Cassidy’s attachment style may be partially a result of her previous relationship, which is something that improves with more securely attached partners. Personally, I have struggled a lot with anxious attachment. This is something I’ve tried to work on, but it can be too easy to need constant reassurance and to question whether you love your partner more than they love you. I have learned to be more securely attached and tried to be confident that my relationships will work out if they’re meant to.
ReplyDeleteIt is so fascinating how what we study changes how we view the world around us and the relationships that we are a part of. My boyfriend of about a year and a half is an accounting major, so when I ask about his attachment style he gives me a confused and blank expression. I made him take this attachment style quiz: Attachment Style Quiz (which I highly recommend as it is very insightful) and found that he is very securely attached to me. I am sandwiched right in-between his mom and his dad, which I found very surprising. When I took the quiz I found that I am not secure but actually highly anxious with him. Therefore, I relate heavily with Cassidy. I believe that we balance each other out and that being with a securely attached partner is actually beneficial for an insecurely attached person. I feel like he is helping me grow out of my anxious attachment by being able to have calm communication when we have issues, just like Cassidy had said. Whenever I send a text saying I want to set an intention to talk through a worry that’s been on my mind the next time we see each other he is so calm about it. This helps me to relax because I know most people would be horrified to receive a text like that (I know I would be), however with him I am able to get it off my mind and set an intention to communicate without sending him spiraling. Seeing him be able to note that intention, stay calm, and not overthink has helped me also feel less anxiety bringing my worries up!
ReplyDeletehere the link for the quiz if you would like to take it: https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/
DeleteThe title of this post caught a lot of my attention immediately because I have always wondered about this myself in past years. I used to have a very anxious attachment style, and it affected my life and relationships in so many ways. It is also interesting that depending on what attachment style your partner has, it will also affect you in several ways. I never knew how much these styles could impact relationships until I learned and read about them. Although I still would not consider myself in a secure place, I have worked hard on learning what feels right for me.
ReplyDeleteI love reading about attachment styles and dating. They definitely play a huge part in the dating world. Having someone that is Anxiously attached to a person or a relationship may cause risks in the relationship if the other person is also anxiously attached. It was very interesting to hear the perspective of having to anxiously attached people dating. It is important to have balance and a person who balances you out. Similarities and, having things in common is great. It’s also important to have a Ying to your yang. My cousin is someone who is very outgoing and loves to meet a lot of people and sometimes can be very emotional. Her husband is down earth, a little more quiet, and has a very mature demeanor about him. They balance each other out perfectly, and it creates a wonderful relationship for the two of them.
ReplyDeleteYour story about Cassidy is more than relatable to me, and clearly to many others. Her transition from a toxic relationship with another anxiously attached partner to a healthier dynamic with someone more securely attached highlights the potential for growth and healing when we find balance and understanding in our partners. I found it fascinating how Cassidy described her previous relationship as initially feeling "normal" because of its intensity—something many people with anxious attachment might resonate with. The quick emotional enmeshment often feels comforting but can spiral into unhealthy patterns, as she experienced. It’s encouraging to hear how her new relationship allows her to feel more like herself, a sign of what secure attachment can nurture.
ReplyDeleteCassidy’s story resonated with me because I’ve seen how attachment styles can deeply influence relationships, including my own. Before my current healthy relationship, I felt like I leaned toward avoidant attachment, often prioritizing independence and avoiding emotional vulnerability. Reading about Cassidy’s growth and how her secure partner has helped her navigate her anxiety reminded me of how much my partner has influenced my own attachment style. Their ability to create a safe space for communication has helped me feel more comfortable expressing my needs and emotions without fear of rejection. Cassidy’s previous experience with two anxious partners reflects how insecurity can spiral into toxic patterns when not addressed. Her journey toward a healthier relationship shows how self-awareness and the presence of a secure partner can create opportunities for growth. It’s inspiring to see how her past didn’t define her future, and it reminds me of the importance of finding someone who complements rather than exacerbates attachment challenges.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated Cassidy’s story and how it shows the impact attachment styles can have on relationships. It’s eye-opening to see how anxious attachment can contribute to unhealthy dynamics, like the cycle of blaming and apologizing she described. Her experience really highlights how important it is for both partners to understand and navigate their attachment needs to avoid escalation and build trust. I was also struck by the contrast between Cassidy’s previous relationship and her current one with a securely attached partner. It’s clear how much of a difference it can make when one person can model secure attachment behaviors, even if the other partner is still learning to cope with anxiety. The research by Domingue & Mollen (2009) also resonates with the idea that while having a securely attached partner may not solve all problems, it certainly seems to improve communication and relationship dynamics. Cassidy’s story is a great reminder of the power of self-awareness and healthy communication.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me, especially the way Cassidy reflects on her past relationship and the role attachment styles played in its dynamics. It’s clear that Cassidy’s awareness of her anxious attachment style helped her understand the pattern of behavior that led to heartbreak. The cycle of seeking reassurance, feeling overwhelmed by jealousy, and the constant emotional back-and-forth is a classic example of the struggles that come with anxious attachment. I can definitely relate to the idea of becoming consumed by the intensity of a relationship and then feeling drained or controlled by it. I also find it fascinating how Cassidy’s current relationship with her securely attached partner has allowed her to feel more balanced. The difference in communication and emotional regulation is striking, and it makes me realize just how crucial it is to have a partner who can meet you where you are emotionally. Cassidy’s story shows that with self-awareness and the right partner, healing and growth are possible. Thanks for sharing this experience it's a great reminder that attachment styles can be worked through, and healthier, more balanced relationships are achievable.
ReplyDeleteCassidy’s story really shows how attachment styles affect our relationships greatly. I can relate to her, as I am an anxious attachment style, and I used to dare someone with an avoidant attachment style. It was really hard and challenging at some points since I always needed reassurance and would not get it. Whenever I asked about it, my boyfriend would shut down or become defensive which didn’t make me feel any better, it made me more uncomfortable in the relationship. Comparing that to being in a relationship where the other person understands how to respond to your attachment style shows how important of a role attachment styles have on relationships.
ReplyDeleteI think Cassidy’s experience really shows how different attachment styles can have an impact on relationships and how healthy or non-healthy the dynamic of the relationship can be. As someone who is more aligned with the anxious-avoidant attachment style I can definitely see how having a significant other with the same attachment can have more of an unhealthy dynamic. I also have seen how my attachment style has had an impact on certain relationships I’ve had, and I am aware of the difference in communications with attachment styles. I also really liked how Cassidy’s experiences changed, and I think it comes to show how things do change and just because your or your partner’s attachment style influenced something to occur in the past it doesn’t mean it always will.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post hit me hard. I relate to Cassidy's experience, and it shows just how much attachment affects our relationships and the way we go about them. Like Cassidy, I am an anxiously-attached individual, and my boyfriend is more securely attached, with some avoidance here and there. After the first month, our attachment styles were clashing and I knew that it was soon becoming unhealthy. We had a long conversation about this, and I spoke to my therapist about it, and are now more securely attached to each other. Hearing Cassidy's difference in perspectives between her current and previous relationship was encouraging. It shows that self-recognition can be so important in these situations, and how important it is to be securely attached.
ReplyDelete