Casual Sex Among College-Aged Students (by Merci Sugai)

Before I was even enrolled at a university, I had heard countless stereotypes about college. My friends’ older siblings told us wide-eyed high schoolers about the crazy parties, casual sex, and freedom living on your own. We believed every word; we were so excited to not have a curfew and explore our independence during college. What is the truth behind hook-up culture in college? Is casual sex all that it’s made out to be in movies, TV shows, and from crazy stories told by older friends? After interviewing two individuals about casual sex in college and digging into current research, it became even more clear that casual sex is not all that our older friends described it to be; there is a wide variety of reasoning and motivations behind college students engaging in casual sex with others.

I chose to talk to two students: one who engages in casual sex and one who does not. The student who does not engage in casual sex listed a few reasons as to why she finds the culture harmful for students, especially young women.

“I personally want to engage in any sort of sexual behavior with someone that I really trust and love,” she explained. “I feel like as a heterosexual, college-aged woman, casual sex can really only lead to heartbreak.” She revealed that learning about the emotional attachment that women can associate with sex worried her about hooking up with someone that she did not truly care about. Hook-up culture also seemed dangerous to her, as casual sex could lead to sexually transmitted infections or unplanned pregnancy. Lastly, she noted that there is a stigma and double standard between men and women regarding casual sex. Women are often perceived as promiscuous and portrayed negatively, whereas men are praised for sexual endeavors, especially in college.

The student who chooses to participate in casual sex portrayed hook-up culture in a more empowering manner. She described her experiences with hook-ups in college as positive because she made the decision to engage in sexual behaviors with her partners and felt as though she had the freedom to do so. She mentioned that “casual sex is only harmful if two partners’ intentions do not match up”, one example being if one partner wants to pursue an exclusive relationship and the other does not. Because she uses open communication before and after casual sex, she said that the worries of casual sex usually do not cross her mind. She is not afraid to discuss STIs or using contraceptives, and she admitted that casual sex might not be as enjoyable without this aspect of open communication.

What does research tell us about casual sex? First, a study conducted with college students revealed that almost an exact number of men and women reported having casual sex in the past year¹. However, the study examined the factors that might go into a college hook-up including alcohol, attachment, emotional reactions, religiosity, and family environment¹. The study found that the majority of women in their study did not have a positive attitude about hooking up because of feeling let down or having too high of expectations, and many women expressed that their peers had negative attitudes towards women who were consistently having casual sex¹. Also, students who had an insecure attachment style often had fewer positive encounters with casual sex, as their emotional and security needs were not met by their partner¹. Men reported higher rates of positive psychological experiences, as well as students who had not considered peer stereotypes and negative emotions surrounding casual sex¹.

Another study indicated attachment styles are the most important aspect of a college hook-up; the psychosocial factors associated with casual sexual encounters were more obvious in those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles². Participants in the study who showed signs of insecure attachment displayed symptoms of distress and consumed higher amounts of alcohol before, during, and after hook-ups². However, the main conclusions around college hook-up culture were surrounding the commonality between college students. All college students have similar risk and protective factors surrounding hook-ups, between religiosity, alcohol, attachment style, and depressive symptoms².

All in all, choosing to participate in hook-up culture should be entirely based on individual decision. However, a person’s attachment style and risk and protective factors surrounding a sexual encounter can greatly impact a hook-up. College students are participating in casual sex, but the psychological impacts of casual sex vary based on attachment style and previous attitudes in sex. There is clearly no right or wrong way to engage (or not engage) in casual sex, proven by the research studies above. Casual sex may not be for everyone, but there is value in learning about the trends and educating yourself on the implications of casual sex, even if you are personally not engaging in it.

¹Owen, J., Rhoades, G., Stanley, S., and Fincham, F. (2010). “Hooking up” among college students: Demographic and psychosocial correlates. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 653-663.

²Manthos, M., Owen, J., and Fincham, F. D. (2014). A new perspective on hooking up among college students: Sexual behavior as a function of distinct groups. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 31(6), 815-829.

Letting Go (by Lauren Fredeen)

Break-ups are painful. One moment you have a partner who you can always depend on, who understands and loves you…and the next moment the person you were closest to becomes the farthest person from you. Break-ups can be so difficult that you can barely force yourself to get out of bed, socialize, or stop crying. You feel angry, sad, and alone.

Many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, as how you react to a break up is related to attachment. John Bowlby, a psychologist who did a great deal of work on attachment theory, developed an attachment-based process of grieving during break-ups.[1] Bowlby proposed that the reactions to the loss of an adult romantic partner parallel those of a child who experiences a loss of a primary attachment figure. The process that many adults go through when losing a romantic partner begins with protest. Behaviors in this phase include pleading, crying, anger, and feeling a sense of disbelief. Individuals then enter a state of despair when they realize their significant other will not return. This phase is characterized by feelings of depression, sadness, disorganization, and withdrawal. The final stage of this grieving process is characterized by recovery and a gradual renewal of interest in other activities and relationships.[1]

Although many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, everyone deals with the end of relationships differently. Not surprisingly, how you handle a break-up depends greatly on your attachment style. As mentioned in my previous blog, the main types of attachment styles include avoidant-insecure, anxious-insecure, and secure.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learn as a child that others are unable to satisfy their needs and will ignore their emotional pleas.[1] An individual going through a break up that has an avoidant attachment style usually expresses less emotional responses such as pleading or angry outbursts, as well as seek less social support. If this is your attachment style you most likely will engage in more emotional avoidance by avoiding your ex-partner and evading reminders that might activate attachment needs. You may also use self-reliant coping strategies instead of depending on friends and family for support. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may engage in activities such as drinking and taking drugs to cope during a break-up.[1]

Children develop anxious attachment styles when their attachment figures are inconsistently sensitive and available.[1] This causes these individuals to engage in erratic or threatening behaviors to get their caretakers’ attention. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with this attachment style often engage in aggressive or seductive behaviors to try and restore the lost relationship.[1]  Although these individuals are more likely to get back together with an ex-partner, they are also more likely to think negatively about their ex-partner and assign blame to the partner during a break-up.[1]  I interviewed a few friends who have gone through break-ups and one friend who has an anxious attachment style said:

“It was one of the worst pains I have felt. I was devastated and could not stop myself from always checking his social media or obsessing about where I might see him on campus. I’m over it now though because I know he’s not a good person and he was the reason the relationship didn’t work out.”

Children with a secure attachment style have attachment figures that act as a base of security and are able to express distress freely while accepting comfort from their caregivers[2]. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with a secure attachment feel less apprehension about seeing their ex-partner again, give less blame to the partner, are less likely to get back into the relationship, and may express readiness to start dating again sooner than others.[2] One of my friends who I interviewed displayed a more secure attachment style when she said:

“It was very difficult at the time of the break-up, but I have no hard feelings towards him and truly do want the best for him. It just didn’t work out between us and that’s okay. I now know that it was for the best because I am with someone who makes me even happier.”

Attachment style and the implications for break-ups are important when understanding relationships in college. If you break up with someone who attends the same school as you it is likely that you may see your ex-partner in common areas such as classes or the library which allows for opportunities to re-kindle relationships or bring back difficult memories and emotions.[2]

Break-ups can be incredibly painful and difficult, but there are ways to help you get through these tough times. Some positive ways to cope with break ups include:

1. Surrounding yourself with friends and family who can support you and remind you that you are lovable.
2. Journal about your emotions.
3. Get active.
4. Avoid doing things that make you feel worse, such as checking your ex’s social media.
5. Be kind to yourself and understand that it takes time to heal.[3] 

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[1] Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, Emotional, and Behavioral Reactions to Breaking Up: The Roles of Gender, Age, Emotional Involvement, and Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0146167203029007006

[2] Madey, S. F. (2012). Attachment style and dissolution of romantic relationships: Breaking up is hard to do, or is it? Individual Differences Research, 10(4). Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=cookie,ip,url,cpid&custid=s4640792&db=psyh&AN=2013-00688-004&site=ehost-live

[3] Mort, S. (2018, August 20). The very real pain of breakups. Why they hurt so much and what you can do about it. . Retrieved from https://drsoph.com/blog/2018/8/2/the-very-real-pain-of-breakups-why-they-hurt-so-badly-and-what-you-can-do-about-it

Long Distance Relationships: Can You Make it Work? (by Merci Sugai)

Entering a long-distance relationship as a young adult is both overwhelming and controversial. Adults, friends, and strangers give their unsolicited opinion, regardless of your individual situation and reasoning. Social media is covered with posts about successful long-distance relationships that seem picture perfect and fatal relationships that end in heartbreak or deception. Is there a right way to be in a long-distance relationship? How should we know that our long-distance relationship will be any different from the horror stories we hear online about cheating and infidelity? How do you know if you and your partner are mature enough to handle the benefits and drawbacks of a long-distance relationship?

Regardless of your opinion on long-distance, college students still continue to pursue these relationships, as 75% of college students report having a long-distance relationship sometime in their young adult life¹. Before we dive into the current research behind long-distance relationships, there is also an importance of hearing perspectives from our peers.

To begin, I interviewed a CSU student who has been in a long-distance relationship with her partner for four and half years. Her partner attends school in Texas, and they recently got engaged. Because this student has successfully managed a long-distance relationship in college, I inquired about the benefits and drawbacks of this dynamic for two college students. The most unique aspect of the interview was how confident this student was about her partner; she confided that she knew he was worth the distance from the beginning. Early on, the biggest challenge in their relationship was open communication, and she mentioned that coming to college pushed them to the point of almost breaking up. They eventually began realizing that the fights and struggles were worth it and made a point to Skype five nights per week to still be together while still respecting the other’s social life and weekend. She also mentioned the incredible benefits of long-distance in college. She has been able to grow as person and as an independent woman without the safety net of her partner, “growing as a whole person rather than two halves of a whole.” I loved hearing this sweet and thoughtful response to my questioning, as their relationship seems both secure and successful.

Next, I interviewed a CSU student whose long-distance relationship ended much differently than the previous story. She left for college and continued to date her partner from high school until halfway through her freshman year. Even though her relationship ended, she did admit that the best part of a long-distance relationship was being able to reunite with her partner and cherish the time that they did have together. In her opinion, the hardest part of long-distance was establishing boundaries for communication. She advised students who are thinking of long-distance to have a clear, mature, and open conversation before committing to long-distance. Because her relationship ended with infidelity, her opinions on long-distance were slightly more tentative.

Through both of these stories, we need to view a long-distance relationship (whether successful or unsuccessful) with an attachment lens. Long-distance relationships still need a secure base from their partner, even if their time together is limited¹. Additionally, serious long-distance relationships may benefit from counseling¹. Counselors can help partners develop a secure attachment by encouraging partners to disclose feelings, explain non-verbal cues, and to explicitly state what each person desires from the long-term relationship.

But, if you cannot imagine sitting through couples counseling with your college-aged significant other, or it is just not feasible, don’t fret. Security needs can be met through eye contact, body language, and expressions when the partners are reunited after long periods spent apart². If a couple simply cannot maintain geographical closeness, these attachment needs could also be met through communication such as calling, video-calling, letters, or pictures². Secure attachment can be attained if couples are consistently working towards and recognizing these priorities². All in all, there will never be a right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship, but most importantly, the romantic partners need to feel as though their needs are met.

 ¹Roberts, A. & Pistole, M. C. (2009). Long-distance and proximal romantic relationship satisfaction: Attachment and closeness predictors. Journal of College Counseling, 12(1), 5-17.

 ²Pistole, M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(2). 

Bye Bye Blues (by Lauren Fredeen)

Bye Bye Blues

Can you imagine being absolutely head over heels for someone and then watching them leave for weeks,  months, or even years before you get the chance to see them again? Some of you might be able to imagine this situation perfectly, because it is all too real for many of us. In fact, 25 to 50% of college students are in a long-distance relationship at any given time, and 75% of college students have been in a long-distance relationship at some point.[1]

Those of you that have been in a long-distance relationship know that it’s not the easiest thing to do! Attachment plays a huge role in relationships and refers to the strong emotional bonding and feelings of security that you feel with a romantic partner. To maintain this sense of security, couples often strive to maintain a close proximity to one another.[2] When this proximity is difficult to have in long-distance relationships, feelings of anxiety and loneliness are very common responses.[2]

Your attachment style can tell a lot about how you might handle a long-distance relationship. The three main types of attachment styles include anxious-insecure, avoidant-insecure, and secure.[3] Individuals who have an anxious-insecure attachment style depend on their partners to “complete them” and are often afraid of being alone. This causes these individuals to often become clingy, demanding or possessive towards their partners. Individuals with this type of attachment may engage in continual monitoring and worrying about what their partner is doing and these behaviors can become even more pronounced in a long-distance relationship.[3]

“I decided to come to CSU to stay in the same state as my girlfriend and went home every weekend freshman year to visit her. The moment I went to one party she told me that she couldn’t trust me. I couldn’t tell her about any of my friends that were girls.”

Individuals with an avoidant-insecure attachment style are afraid of being both too close or too distant from their partners.[3] This can be difficult in a long-distance relationship as they may engage in less communication and coping strategies with their partners. If you fall into the avoidant attachment style, chances are you will miss your partner when they are away, but when they return you may feel smothered.[4]

The avoidant-insecure attachment style is what I identify with most strongly and I have seen this play a role in many of my relationships. Although I have a strong desire to be with someone, when I have the opportunity to become connected with someone, I often pull back. I dated someone for two years during my senior year in high school and freshman year in college. During the year when I was in college and we were dating long-distance, I constantly felt myself pulling back and feeling “trapped” when we came back together.

The last main type of attachment style is secure. Individuals with a secure attachment are generally more trusting of their partners and are comfortable being honest, intimate, and supportive.[3] When people with a secure attachment are in a long-distance relationship they are more likely to use what researchers call “maintenance behaviors.” These behaviors include providing assurance of love, openness about their feelings, conflict management, positivity, and pleasant interactions.[2]

“Long-distance relationships don’t suck. I think it’s healthy to be able to be independent and not see your partner every day. Even though it was difficult at times, we were still able to have a happy and healthy relationship.”

Ideally, having a secure attachment results in having the most successful and happy long-distance relationship. But, this is not to say that if you feel like you have a more insecure attachment style that your relationship won’t be successful. Some ways you can ensure that your long-distance relationship stays happy and healthy include:

1. Improving and increasing your communication (technology is a great way to do this!)
2. Reserving the time that you do have together for memorable and meaningful activities.
3. Provide reassurance to your partner.
4. Reframe the situation as a positive – and believe in it.[2]

Despite the distance, long-distance relationships among college students are actually more stable than proximal relationships! That shows that long-distance relationships can be successful and it’s just a matter of figuring out what works best for you and your partner.

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[1] Long Distance Relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://behrend.psu.edu/student-life/student-services/personal-counseling/student-resources/long-distance-relationships

[2] Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407510363427

[3] Dodgson, L. (2018, June 13). These are the 3 types of attachment styles - and how each affects your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.thisisinsider.com/the-3-different-attachment-styles-2018-6

[4] Avoidant Attachment: The Advanced Guide. (2019, March 01). Retrieved from https://www.depressionalliance.org/avoidant-attachment/

Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Ah, the big green monster, the emotion you probably hate to openly express the the most. Jealousy is an unfortunately large part of human nature, especially in romantic relationships. Some people are naturally less jealous than others. Chances are, however, you have felt the uncomfortable itch of jealousy before. Although jealousy is a normal human emotion, it can cause a lot of issues in romantic relationships. Some people view jealousy as flattering and a sign that their significant other truly loves them. Particularly, those of us with more insecure or anxious attachment styles tend to be more jealous than those with a secure attachment.¹ However, sometimes, perceived jealousy can actually be signs of emotional abuse. Regardless of whether you are a particularly jealous person or not, it’s important to recognize unhealthy jealous behaviors in yourself and in your partner.1

Especially in a college setting, it seems that jealousy is a major topic of relationship strife. Feeling like your significant other is giving more time, attention, or affection to someone else can be difficult to handle. On the other hand, having a jealous significant other when you’re not particularly jealous can be difficult, as well. Many couples struggle with this disconnect. An individual I talked to explained her struggle with jealousy

“I tend to be a very jealous person. My boyfriend is good friends with his ex girlfriend. With my jealous nature, this was extremely difficult for me to get over at first. I would be tempted to monitor their infrequent text messages and snoop. It created a lot of conflict between us because he felt insulted that I didn’t trust him. I’ve gotten better, but I still notice it now and again.”

I think the majority of us can relate to her experience to some degree. However, researchers indicate that certain patterns of jealous behavior can indicate abuse. Research conducted on 160 men and their partners indicated that jealousy often positively correlated with abusive behavior.¹ However, the researchers did not refer to natural jealousy as abusive behavior. Researchers indicated that jealousy became abusive and problematic when the jealous partner created unwarranted jealous conflict.¹  In a relationship, that might look like a partner becoming confrontative and jealous about an interaction with a peer or coworker as being “flirtatious,” when it is simply cordial and harmless. A family member that I interviewed explained her experience with a partner whose jealousy became abusive:


“My ex boyfriend used to workout at the gym I worked at. When I would be friendly and
kind to male members, he would accuse me of flirting with them. It was to the point where if I greeted a guy at the front desk, I was trying to get his number. Then, he would constantly come into workout during my shifts, and he would wait in the parking lot until my shift was over. It wasn’t until he tried to get me to quit my job that I realized I had to dump him like a hot potato.”

Researchers would describe what my family member was experiencing as “intrusiveness.” This is when a jealous partner partakes in unwarranted following, watching, or involvement in their partner’s life outside of the relationship. Although individuals can feel compelled to do this for a variety of reasons, an insecure childhood attachment or history of trauma and abuse are some of the primary indicators of this form of abuse.

It is easy to believe that jealousy is natural and sometimes even a sign of affection. However, certain levels and forms of jealous are unhealthy. Whether you notice these behaviors in you or your partner, it is important to recognize the warning signs of abusive jealousy. Do you notice yourself or your partner creating unwarranted conflict in response to fear or mistrust? Do you notice yourself or your partner excessively monitoring one another? These can be signs of abusive jealousy. If you notice these signs in a relationship, it is important to remove yourself from the abusive pattern, and seek support. Jealousy is a natural part of human relationships, but remember, jealousy does not equal love.

¹Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness: Exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE open, 3(1), 2158244013476054.
²Dutton, D. G., Van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M. A. (1996). Jealousy, intimate abusiveness, and intrusiveness. Journal of Family Violence, 11(4), 411-423.

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

A primary area of debate in the topic of relationships is whether we should be friends with our ex. Perhaps the most dreaded sentiment of a breakup: “We can still be friends.” Some of us would say they would rather be hit by a truck than be friends with our ex. Others of us may maintain strong friendships with several of our past love interests. On the other hand, a good majority of us struggle with the choice to cut all ties with our ex or maintain a casual friendship. A pervasive idea portrayed in modern society is that “there’s no such thing as being just friends with an ex.” 

Especially in college, maintaining friendship with an ex is a choice many of us are faced with. Generally, individuals have mutual friend groups, interests, and activities that might include a past romantic partner. In some cases, maintaining a friendship with this person may create a less awkward and stressful dynamic in social situations. On the other hand, being friends with an ex can reignite potent emotions and create unnecessary turmoil. I talked to some people on both ends of the spectrum. One of my friends mentioned:

“I dated my ex girlfriend for about a year and a half. We had a pretty cordial breakup,
and we’re still friends. It makes it a lot easier to hang out with our friend group when I
don’t have to worry about the awkwardness or tension. For me, I think it creates less
drama than trying to completely avoid each other.”

A research study conducted on 186 college students’ current relationship with their former partner would argue that my friend’s experience is reflective of their findings.1 The results of the study found that individuals who received more positive resources from the friendship with their ex had higher friendship quality than those who received less resources from maintaining a friendship with their ex.1 Essentially, individuals who received things such as love, status, services, or convenience from the friendship likely had higher friendship quality. In this case, my friend maintains emotional and social benefits by remaining friends with his ex. In turn, the friendship quality is also higher.

On the other hand, one of the people I interviewed explained that she maintains no friendships with any of her ex partners, and she is perfectly happy with that. The same study of college students discussed above also indicated that many individuals have high satisfaction despite low frequency of resources and low friendship quality from an ex. As research describes, individuals, like my friend, can be completely content with the dissolution of a friendship with their past partner if their expectations and circumstances related to the relationship align.

One of the most problematic aspects of remaining friends with an ex can be the disapproval of friends and family. I can say from experience, that many of my friendships with my ex partners have been difficult because my friends and family did not approve. Researchers indicate that barriers such as disapproval by a social support system can contribute to an inability to maintain a stable friendship with a past partner. Another example of a barrier is having a new partner. Many individuals find that they are unable to maintain their friendship with their ex once they begin a new relationship.²

So is it wrong to not want to come near your ex with a ten foot pole? Not necessarily. Is it a death sentence to try to keep that snapchat streak with the person you casually dated for a few months? I would say no. The most important thing to consider when deciding to stay friends with an ex is what the friendship would positively contribute to both of your lives, and whether you would be satisfied. When you begin to think the negatives may outweigh the positives, it may be helpful to let the relationship go to experience new opportunities.


¹Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 215-223.
²Villella, S. (2010). Broken up but not broken: Satisfaction, adjustment, and communication in post-dissolutional relationships. Communication and Theater Association of Minnesota Journal, 37(1), 3.

"She's Got Daddy Issues"

“She’s got Daddy Issues”

Thanks to our dear old friend, Sigmund Freud, who coined the term ‘father complex,’ the concept of daddy issues has been a focus of love life turmoil for decades. Daddy issues are essentially obstacles many of us face in forming and maintaining relationships due to emotional repercussions of an absent or turbulent childhood relationship with our father. We’ve all probably heard this plenty of times. “I swear she only dates men at least five years older than her. Talk about daddy issues.” Men are often accused of having daddy issues, as well. “He wouldn’t know commitment if it slapped him in the face. He must have some serious daddy issues!”

Chances are, whether it’s been you, a friend, or a family member; you have known someone who appears to have the infamous plague of ‘daddy issues.’ Although daddy issues are primarily used to describe female struggles with healthy relationship formation, self-esteem, and sexuality, this is a problem that can affect absolutely anyone. Typically, daddy issues manifest in men’s lives through struggles with commitment, affection, or respect in relationships. People experience these obstacles in a variety of ways, and not one individual is affected exactly the same as the next. Some experts would argue, that we all actually have our own level of daddy issues to a certain degree¹

Daddy issues can be a particularly sensitive topic for many people, specifically because it often addresses painful or uncomfortable experiences from the past. From an attachment perspective, daddy issues are disruptions in attachment carrying on into our romantic relationships.1 Although reflecting on potential daddy issues is difficult, many people often find relief from recognizing and addressing the way their relationships with father figures contributed to their relationship formations in adolescence and adulthood. A friend I talked to explained her experience with her own perceived struggle with daddy issues.

“I never realized how much my dad’s alcoholism and inconsistency in my life impacted me until I noticed what kind of boys I tend to date. Boys who are emotionally unavailable for some reason seem to be the ones I chase after most. I also looked for self validation from boys a lot in high school, and I would let them take advantage of me. It sounds super cliche’, but now that I’m older and can recognize it, I try to remember that I deserve better.”

From an attachment perspective, I would guess my friend’s father had an avoidant attachment with her. I have also had my own experience with avoidant fathers and daddy issues. Between an alcoholic father who died when I was nine, to an unaffectionate and uninvolved stepfather, I noticed my own fair share of relationship issues. Low self-esteem, a tendency toward toxic relationships, and an undying desire to feel wanted were just a few of the clues I began to notice in high school which led me to believe I had some serious daddy issues.

My friend and I are certainly not alone in our experience. A research study conducted on fatherless women’s communication in romantic relationships revealed that women with inconsistent and absent fathers were more likely to stay in dysfunctional relationships.²The study also revealed that many women would partake in self-silencing if they felt threat of their significant other leaving the relationship.² Similar studies conducted on adolescent sexuality revealed that adolescents with absent or inconsistent father-figures in childhood were likely to exhibit higher sexual promiscuity such as earlier onset of sexual activity, more sexual partners, and more risky sexual behaviors.1

Although this research may seem disheartening, a poor childhood experience is not a lifetime sentence to dysfunctional relationships. Human development research has indicated that childhood experiences and relationships greatly impact adult relationship experiences. However, research has also exhibited the power of individual resilience and protective factors.³ So what can someone do if they think they might be experiencing daddy issues? The best thing to do is recognize and reflect on how your past may be impacting your present relationships. If you have a history of dysfunctional male figures in your life, look to positive male role models and functional relationships to guide you. Therapy can also be a great option to understand unaddressed attachment issues. If it is possible to repair or strengthen your relationship with fathers or stepfathers, doing so might help. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about how your past has affected your emotions and communication. Yes, daddy issues are real, but they certainly don’t have to define your future relationships.

¹Bowling, S. W., & Werner-Wilson, R. J. (2000). Father-daughter relationships and adolescent female sexuality: Paternal qualities associated with responsible sexual behavior. Journal of HIV/AIDS prevention & education for adolescents & children, 3(4), 5-28.
²Jackson, L. M. (2010). Where's my daddy? Effects of fatherlessness on women's relational communication.
³Werner, E. E. (2000). Protective factors and individual resilience. Handbook of early childhood intervention, 2, 115-132.