Cheating

It’s something we all dread—some more than others—and the fear of being cheated on can keep us from fully opening up in relationships. It is a fear that is, quite unfortunately, founded in logic, as over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extramarital sex over the course of their marriage⁴.

But what about dating couples? Well, one’s behavior in dating relationships can, unsurprisingly, predict their behaviors in marriages.

The likelihood that a person will cheat on their partner is, like so many other things, related to our attachment styles, or the idea that our childhood experiences with caregivers shape our future behavior and expectations for our romantic relationships. And unfortunately, there is more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached, whether married or dating, as we are more likely to cheat on our partners than those of us who are securely attached⁴.

Anxiously attached individuals are more likely to seek intimacy with another partner through infidelity if they feel that their needs for intimacy are not being met, whereas those of us, like myself, who are avoidantly-attached are more likely to be chronically less committed to our relationships, and possess more sexually permissive attitudes⁴.

I know what you’re all thinking: it’s just more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached. But, there is hope. As we’ve talked about on this blog before, there are steps that you can take to become more securely attached to your partners, and improve relationship satisfaction, which would effectively work to prevent infidelity and strengthen your relationship, which you can read about here.

These steps can be taken as preventative measures before infidelity occurs, but they can also be taken after learning about an affair; and an astounding 60-75% of married couples stay married after learning of one partner’s affair¹.

Whether a couple stays together after an affair has a lot to do with their level of commitment and their willingness to work on the relationship, and this is true whether a couple is married or if they are dating⁴.

I know how challenging it can be to trust someone and be willing to be vulnerable when the threat of cheating and the fear of betrayal remains. And although I haven’t been cheated on, I’ve seen the effects first hand.

When I was in middle school, my mom found out that my father had been having a secret affair for years, and was leaving her for another woman. The whole family was shocked as he filed for divorce and left, and my mom and I were left behind to pick up the pieces of our family.

So it comes as no surprise to me that partners who are cheated on often experience symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder².

I asked one friend who was cheated on what it was like for her, and she described it as a truly traumatic experience:

“It was so much worse for me than a regular breakup. I’ve been dumped before, but being cheated on made me doubt myself and feel worthless. I was angry and depressed, and it took years before I could look back with clarity and see that it wasn’t a reflection of me or my worth as a partner.”

As traumatic as being cheated on can be, there is hope for individuals and for couples. My own childhood experiences and watching my parents split up have had a lot to do with why I am more insecurely attached and shy away from emotional intimacy. I’ve seen the pain that can result from trusting someone too much, and it can be terrifying.

But, again, there is hope for all of us. And while I still tend towards insecure attachment, I have happily been with my partner for nearly two years, and we are quite securely attached. It has taken a lot of work on both of our ends, and will likely take more work as time goes on. But, by working to become securely attached in our romantic relationships we can all work to improve relationship satisfaction and prevent infidelity, since couples who are securely attached are significantly less likely to cheat on their partners⁴.

And, again, there is hope for couples that have already experienced infidelity as well, if both partners are willing to work at it. Therapy can be very effective, and some couples even report closer marital relationships following an affair and therapy³.

While the thought of being cheated on can be a terrifying and intrusive thought that can prevent us from opening up, it doesn’t have to be. So often affairs are a result of underlying problems related to attachment insecurity, and this can be improved over time.

In the case of my own parents, they had their fair share of other problems, and the affair was just the precipitating factor for their divorce. To be honest, they’re both far happier now than when they were together.

For others, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness. There’s hope for preventing affairs, and hope for healing after them. For those of us who are anxiously attached: slow down, relax, and trust in your partner before jumping to conclusions or doing something you’ll regret. For those of us who are avoidantly attached, take a chance on your partner and try opening up—they might just surprise you.

 ¹Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A

clinician's guide. New York: Guilford Press.

²Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review.

Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217-233. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01556.x

³Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00722.x

⁴Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in

marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family

Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0032118

Why can't I sleep?

We’ve all experienced it: anger and irritation due to lack of sleep. I can remember countless times that I have become frustrated over my partner simply breathing too loud when I am tired.  As college students, we are pulled in many directions and sometimes sleep ends up on the bottom of the priority list.  What we likely don’t consider about the amount of sleep we get is how it may affect our closest relationships.  It is not unlikely for us to take out our anger on those who we are closest with, because we trust them the most.  Yet, the research is unclear if better sleep leads to more secure romantic attachment or if secure attachment leads to better sleep¹.

The unfortunate news for all of us is that regardless or our attachment style, we are all likely to experience sleep disturbances¹, some just more than others.  Whether it’s the snoring or our attachment, our chances of getting more sleep don’t seem great.  For those of us who experience anxious attachment and may feel supremely vulnerable in our current or potential relationships, we may face sleep challenges due to overthinking a situation, AKA ruminating¹.

“I lay there and think and think and think, and before I know it, its 2AM.”

It can be very frustrating when we can’t seem to fall asleep because we are overthinking every moment of seeing our crush from across campus, especially because today he smiled back. This giddy emotion can become too much to handle and all we can think about is maybe running into him again tomorrow. But then, the giddiness turns to terror and all we can think is what if he only smiled because I was having a bad hair day or my makeup looked like a clown? Even worse, what if I am just not good enough for any relationship? All of these thoughts can keep us up to all hours of the night and may resemble those of us with anxious attachment; those of us who may be losing sleep because we find ourselves overthinking every detail.

On the other hand, those of us with avoidant attachment styles may be suppressing emotions and feeling as though we have needs unmet by our partner, which is also a contributor to sleep disturbances¹.  Those of us with this attachment style may see the same crush on campus and try to suppress the true emotions we are feeling because we don’t want to get our hopes up. Or, we may not even be truly interested, but our biology is making us feel like we are.  Even though we may not be overthinking, we are still likely to lose sleep while making an effort to calm our biological systems.

Regardless of which of these categories we fall under, any emotional distress or conflict with our partner will likely lead to decreased sleep for the night¹.

Sleep is a major factor of self-care in the lives of us college students.  It’s something we heavily rely on to focus and be engaged in the present moment.  Despite the many factors of relationships that could be keeping us awake, it is important to recognize why we may be losing sleep. First, try just becoming aware of your rumination or suppression, and remind yourself that you are normal. Many other people are doing exactly what you are doing, at this exact same moment!  And then,maybe give a creative solution a try. While we likely can’t change our day or experiences with a partner or crush, we can try listening to music, consuming less caffeine, or putting down screens an hour before bed.  These may not be full-proof, but give them a shot next time you see your crush or stay something stupid to your SO and can’t seem to sleep.

¹Adams, G. C., & McWilliams, L. A. (2015). Relationships between adult attachment style ratings and sleep disturbances in a nationally representative sample. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 79(1), 37–42. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2014.12.017

Staying Happy in a Relationship

We’ve all experienced the honeymoon phase of a relationship: the highly anticipated and sought-after phase full of passion, intense love, and a steamy sex life. When some of those feelings wear off and the relationship becomes more comfortable and more about companionship than red-hot passion, it can be difficult at times to figure out how to stay happy and deal with conflict.

Although many of us dread the day, week, or month that these feelings associated with the honeymoon phase start to wear off, it doesn’t have to be a negative thing, and it doesn’t have to mean that the relationship won’t still thrive. In fact, relationship satisfaction over time is affected by our attachment styles¹, and understanding this can help us build a happy, lasting relationship with our partners.

Attachment styles have been discussed at great length on this blog before, and it’s because they apply to, and explain, so many aspects of our personal and romantic lives and why we behave the way we do. Attachment styles are the idea that our childhood experiences with our parents and caregivers guide our future behavior and expectations in romantic relationships¹.

This means good news (once again) for those of us who are securely attached, as we are more likely to experience relationship satisfaction in the moment and over time¹. Those of us who are securely attached are also less likely to get divorced, have higher levels of commitment, and have less conflict in our relationships².

But it isn’t all bad news for those of us, like myself, who are insecurely attached. There are things that we can work on and steps we can take to improve our relationship satisfaction and work towards becoming more securely attached to our partners. The first step is (surprise, surprise) understanding your attachment style and where you fall between anxious and avoidant attachment.

Those of us who are anxiously attached are much more likely to act as a pursuer during fights and are the ones we see in TV shows and movies who pick fights and follow their partner around from room to room to continue the fight. Anxiously attached individuals care deeply about the relationship and are more likely to fear that their partner doesn’t love them anymore over small things³. This can cause them to enter the role of pursuer out of anxiety and fear.

Those of us, like myself, who are avoidantly attached, have the tendency to shut-down during conflict by getting quiet, avoiding eye-contact, and sometimes even leaving the room³. This doesn’t mean that we don’t care though; in fact, avoidantly attached individuals often care so much that they often shut down because they don’t want to make the situation worse, but also don’t know how to make it better.

Neither of these behaviors are particularly healthy, and yet it can be hard to break the pattern, particularly when we aren’t aware of it. I asked a friend who once identified as anxiously attached, but now feels quite securely attached to his partner of three years, about the evolution of conflict in their relationship, and I think his story is one that can give us all hope:

“At the beginning of my current relationship, I was definitely anxiously attached. As conflicts arose, I worried that my partner might leave, or at the very least lose the closeness that we had been trying so hard to build. As we’ve grown closer, however, I can confidently say that I’m securely attached. Of the very few conflicts that do arise, nearly all are resolved in a healthy manner, and I feel extremely confident in us as a couple and in myself as a partner.”

So how do we all get to this point too? There are a number of strategies for both anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals to follow. It is important for us to first recognize behaviors in ourselves that are brought on by our attachment styles, and for those of us who are anxiously attached, it is important to slow down and stop ourselves from jumping to conclusions or overreacting². If we acknowledge that the way we are feeling is because of our attachment style before pursuing our partner and starting conflicts out of fear, then it can help to minimize the fall out, and allow us to more calmly resolve conflict.

Those of us who are avoidantly attached can work on letting our guard down more, not pulling away from the relationship when it is going well, and opening up more during times of conflict rather than running away².

It can also be very helpful for us to understand our partners attachment style, as it allows us a window into their thoughts so that we can be more sympathetic and understanding during times of conflict, and it also allows us to understand why our partner might be acting in a way that might seem crazy to us.

Being insecurely attached is not an end all be all in terms of having a healthy and long-lasting relationship. It can be more challenging to overcome our early life experiences than it would be for those of us who are securely attached, but we can still achieve healthy and lasting relationships, we just need to understand our attachment style, be willing to acknowledge when we might be acting a little bit crazy ourselves, and be patient with our partners. Most of all, however, both partners need to be willing to work at it and understand that it might take some time.

¹Holland, A. S., & Roisman, G. I. (2010). Adult attachment security and young adults’ dating

relationships over time: Self-reported, observational, and physiological evidence. Developmental Psychology, 46(2), 552–557. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0018542

²Johnson, S. M., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, A., Palmer, G., Tilley, D., et al. (2005). Becoming an

emotionally focused couple therapist. New York: Routledge.

³Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood : Structure, dynamics, and

change. New York: Guilford Press.