Damsel in Distress

As college students, we experience incredible amounts of stress.  If you hang around any campus long enough, you are guaranteed to hear students chatting and complaining about how stressed and busy they are.  Between school work, extracurricular activities, having a job, and attempting to have a social life on top of it all, it’s no wonder that so many college students feel like their time is spread thin!

Since a lot of us already feel great stress, break-ups certainly don’t help us feel any less stressed.  Romantic relationships and the potential impacts of the ending of these relationships pose a unique struggle for us college kids, especially when life feels so uncertain as it is².  Going through a romantic relationship break-up in college can feel like an additional weight has been added to your already heavy load.  While this may be the case for many, the research shows that there are multiple factors that make us feel even more distressed when going through a break-up¹, such as:

·      Being the one broken up with (sorry dumpees L)

·      Stress in other areas of one's life (problems at a job, conflict between friends, etc.)

·      Negative beliefs about oneself (i.e. blaming yourself for the break-up)

There are other elements that leads some to feel greater stress about their break-up than others.   Individuals who felt rejected or betrayed, experienced their break-up recently, and had a difficult time finding a new relationship experience higher levels of distress when grieving their romantic relationship¹.

The suddenness of a break-up can make us freak out even more.  Along with other types of losses in our lives, when we lose someone we love very suddenly, we tend to feel in shock, leaving us feeling empty, numb, and as if we are living in a daze.  The world seems more surreal, and because of this, it takes us a while to adjust to the new norm.  My friend noted that, when her and her boyfriend suddenly broke-up, it was hard for her to process what happened.

“The break-up was so sudden and there had been a lot of arguing following up to the break-up”

Suddenness can lead to follow-up arguments, which can lead to more distress.  This escalation of distress can drag the break-up longer and leave us in an ambiguous limbo zone.  And then we feel even more distressed.  And then we argue more.  It’s a vicious cycle!

If you are feeling paranoid or anxious about how you will handle the stress of breaking up with a lover, never fear, researchers have found some protective factors that help to buffer the impacts of break-ups.  While a majority of this research is focused around protective factors for grieving the death of a loved one, I believe they apply really well to our romantic relationship break-ups as well. 

One of the greatest protective factors seen to soften the impacts of grieving a loved one is social support.  Researchers have found that positive social support is critical to recovering from a loss³.  Mourning the loss of a loved one while being surrounded by positive peers may be essential and invaluable to making sense of life after a loss³.  This social support undoubtedly has a positive impact on one’s prolonged grief and depression³.

My friend said it best when discussing how to handle the stress of her break-up;

“It was so important for me to remain positive about the situation.  Surrounding myself with positive relationships, I believe, was the most helpful part of moving on from my break-up”

If you read through that list of risk factors above and are thinking to yourself “Holy crap.  If/when my partner and I break-up, I’m completely screwed”, or if you are feeling like you relate a little too well to this distress, know that you are not alone.  These feelings are common for so, so many college students.  Know that it gets easier.  The research even says so!  We experience the greatest distress right after a break-up, and with time, our hearts heal¹. 

When it feels like your world is falling apart, and you cannot physically handle more stress, try to remain positive. 

Surround yourself with people that help you to refocus on the things in life that bring you joy and help you to find meaning in the madness. 

Focus on the relationships that fill you up, rather than the ones that bring you down.

Think about how much stronger of a person you will be on the other side of this challenge.  Rest in the fact that it will get easier because I promise you, it will.

Pain in the Brain

You feel like you just got hit by a truck.  You feel like you are going to throw up.  You can’t get yourself to eat, and getting out of bed sounds like an impossible task. 

           

Unfortunately, these are the feelings that all too frequently accompany our break-ups.  When a romantic relationship ends, we are left to grieve the loss of this relationship, which can lead to a major depressive episode in some individuals¹.

As depression is a very serious topic and should not be taken lightly, it is important to differentiate between feeling sad, grieving, and being clinically depressed.  While the three emotional states may seem very similar, there are actually some differences in the way these emotions manifest.  The normal feeling of sadness is triggered by certain events, and is considered an emotional experience.  Grief is more prolonged than sadness, and typically generates depressive symptoms that can last for days to several months.  While grief is a major risk factor for clinical depression and there are similarities between the two, there are also differences¹.

Grief and clinical depression, which is called major depressive disorder have many symptoms in common.  Sadness, insomnia, poor appetite, and weight loss are all symptoms individuals experience while grieving, as well as during major depressive disorder.  One of the main differences is that grief tends to be trigger-related and feel more intense and unbearable at first, and then is more variable over time.  For example, a grieving individual may feel relatively better when they are surrounded by their supportive and loving friends and family.  However, they may feel more triggered on certain days or events, like their loved one’s birthday, which can bring back old feelings and memories.

On the other hand, major depressive disorder is generally much more pervasive than grief.  Individuals with clinically-diagnosed depression get less relief from their symptoms.  The criteria for being diagnosed with major depressive disorder includes experiencing a series of symptoms like worthlessness, loss of joy, and fatigue for most of all day, every day, for two weeks. 

So, what is going on in our bodies and brains when we are grieving and depressed following a break-up?  In a recent study, researchers found women in their twenties and thirties who recently experienced a romantic relationship break-up, ruminating (a fancy word for thinking really deeply about something) about the loss of their lover was associated with altered brain activity in the cerebrum, anterior temporal cortex, insula, and pre-frontal cortex¹. 

Break-ups seriously mess with our brains, my friends.  And when our brains aren’t functioning properly, you better believe our bodies aren’t going to either.  It’s no wonder we can experience such severe symptoms when grieving these losses! When I asked my friend how her body physically responded to her recent break up, she said she experienced some incredible physical symptoms that are common for those who are grieving.  

“My body feels like it has just been hit by a bus, my eyes have been so puffy from crying and I feel as if my body hurts.  I have lost weight this week just because I have been so stressed that I think everything is just shedding off, I do not think that is healthy.”

I know from my own personal experience that when my long-term relationship ended, I had a very similar experience.  Eating was something that I couldn’t get myself to do.  I couldn’t even eat pizza (I know, what is wrong with me?!).  I felt empty and my body physically ached.   

As romantic relationships end and we are left to grieve our partners, there is incredible potential to experience some depressive symptoms.  While this may not be clinical depression, it is still important to check in with your heart and evaluate how you are doing.  If your depressive symptoms are lasting all day, every day, for more than two weeks, I would recommend getting in touch with a mental health professional.  Our brains are altered when we grieve, and this has the potential to lead to serious depression.  There can be serious pain in our brains.  

When All You Want is Chipotle...

Ok, so you and your significant other broke up, and you feel like you’re doing just fine without them.  Even better perhaps.  You are a strong, independent person who doesn’t need a relationship, am I right?!

And then it hits you, that craving for a chipotle burrito.  Your first instinct is to text your ex and say, “Hey let’s get Chipotle!” because that was always what you did together… and then you realize that you can’t go to Chipotle with them because you broke up.  Now, you’re stuck reliving your break-up and feeling sad, lonely, and even more hungry.

This, my friends, is what the grief experts call a secondary loss.  A secondary or accompanying loss can be defined as the losses that are triggered by the major, or primary, loss in your life (i.e., the loss of your ex)¹. They are the losses that result from the break-up, for instance the loss of someone to go to Chipotle with.  Secondary losses can add up and incredibly intensify your grief responses¹.  The feelings most commonly associated with these losses include depression, anger, emptiness, loneliness, frustration, shock, disbelief, helplessness, guilt, and a loss of self-confidence¹.  Yikes, not so fun!

Secondary losses are typically associated with grieving the death of a loved one, but as we established in the first blog post of this series, when we go through a romantic relationship break-up, we definitely grieve that loss.  Romantic love produces an attachment to that significant other, just like attachments in our other relationships².  In college in particular, these losses can greatly impact one’s academic performance, life satisfaction, and mental health².   Also, some researchers believe that, as young adults, we are even more vulnerable to these effects as a result of our developmental stage².  I guess we’re still developing our egos or something like that (not that we need any more of an ego… but that’s beside the point).  Anyways, I strongly believe that secondary losses contribute to this a lot. 

For example, in my past relationship, I spent a lot of time with my significant other in the basement of the library studying.  As soon as we broke up, I had an incredibly difficult time stepping in to that basement, as I knew I would relive so many memories of us there.   So, I had the primary loss of my ex, and the secondary loss of my favorite study space.  This could have even impacted my academic performance in some way, as I was limiting my options of study spaces (Just to be clear, my grades ended up being just fine, but still… you get the point).

This is such a common experience that I reached out to some sorority sisters of mine and asked about their break-up stories.  This is what one of my friends said in response:

“The worst part of breaking up with someone is losing your best friend, and losing someone who knows you probably better than anyone else in the world. It is still hard for me to not talk to him about things that happen to me daily, because he always seemed to know what to say. I valued his experience and wisdom because he was so much older than me, and I always turned to him when things got tough because I wanted to know what to do.”

When we go through a break-up, we are not only losing our boyfriend or girlfriend, but usually our best friend as well. We lose our go-to person to talk to, our friend to laugh with, our friend to get advice from, our friend to get chipotle with.  One suggestion is to simply make a list of these secondary losses in order to name and acknowledge them, and allow yourself to grieve the secondary losses too, in addition to the primary loss of your ex.  Another idea is to tackle these seemingly impossible to handle losses is to reach out a different friend.  Start making memories with other friends and pouring into other positive relationships.

So, next time you get that overwhelming urge for a Chipotle burrito and to call your ex, recognize that as a normal obstacle to overcome, and call a different friend instead.  I promise this challenge will get easier with time.