I’d like to continue the discussion of a topic we began in past blog posts: Cohabitation. Deciding to live with your romantic partner is a huge decision, and one that a lot of us in emerging adulthood might face. We ask questions like, “Are we ready to make this step?” and “What kind of roommate will they be?” and even sometimes “What will my parents think?” (that’s a big one for me). We’re afraid that moving in together for the wrong reasons might ruin the relationship. So what does the research say about reasons for cohabitation?
Spending Time Together
One reason I’ve often heard when talking to friends is that they were basically already living with their significant other, and so it just made sense to move in so they could spend more time together. From an attachment point of view, you have successfully created an attachment bond with your partner and find feelings of peace, safety and security together (Zayas et al., 2015). No wonder you enjoy being together! My close family member relates to this:
“My partner and I decided to move in together because we were previously living separately and yet spending most of our time together in either one of our apartments. It made sense financially to pick one place that we would both be in all the time, rather than each of us only using our respective homes some of the time” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).
And the research supports this decision. Both Tang et al. (2014) and Rhoades et al. (2009) found that when couples listed spending time together or convenience as their reason for cohabitation, their relationship satisfaction was higher. So maybe if your romantic partner is your best friend and you cannot get enough of being together, moving in might be a way to make your connection even stronger!
“Testing” the Relationship
I have also heard friends discuss how they moved in with their partner so they could “test” their relationship by sharing living situations. I put this in quotation marks because this word often has a negative connotation, but truly, making sure your partner is someone you can live with is probably a good idea, especially if your intention is long-term cohabitation or marriage! People who are more anxiously attached may also have this reason as a higher priority, most likely because they have more relationship doubts that they want to reassure (Rhoades et al., 2009).
The two articles mentioned earlier (Tang et al., 2014, Rhoades et al., 2009) also found that when couples listed their reason for living together as testing the relationship, their relationship satisfaction is lower. Findings included increased negative communication, lower commitment, and higher levels of attachment insecurity, depression and anxiety. What this research suggests for me is that if we have higher expectations for the relationship with our significant other in comparison to a platonic roommate, we may come across more conflict. Although conflict can be uncomfortable and hard, it is possible to negotiate with your partner in a healthy way, and may improve your relationship satisfaction. This is what my family member had to say about approaching conflict with her partner and her consequent commitment to him: “We choose to talk through the difficult topics in hopes of cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. Right now, my goal is to be with him indefinitely” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).
Ultimately, it seems that couples move in together for a multitude of reasons, and often more than just one. No reason is bad; it is up to us to choose how we handle issues that will undoubtedly arise. I think that maybe approaching our decision with a little more optimism, a little less pessimism, and a whole lot of grace, will do us some good!
Sources
Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation:
Associations with individual well-being and relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues, 30(2), 233–258. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0192513X08324388
Tang, C.-Y., Curran, M., & Arroyo, A. (2014). Cohabitors’ reasons for living together,
satisfaction with sacrifices, and relationship quality. Marriage & Family Review, 50(7), 598–620. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/01494929.2014.938289
Zayas, V., Gunaydin, G., & Shoda, Y. (2015). From an unknown other to an attachment figure:
How do mental representations change as attachments form? In V. Zayas & C. Hazan (Eds.), Bases of adult attachment: Linking brain, mind, and behavior (pp. 168-176 only). New York, NY: Springer.
I have been considering moving in with my significant other recently and thought reading this would help and it did! This post gave me a good amount of insight. I enjoyed reading the different reasons people choose to move in together and it made me realize that I have some of these reasons as well. Financially it makes more sense and it could help me and my partner out a lot. Although I have never heard of people moving in together to "test" out the relationship after reading this is makes sense as to why a couple might chose to make this kind of decision in this particular way. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI also have had thoughts and conversations with my boyfriend about living together over the last year. We have been together for almost 5 years now and think that is the next step to further our relationship. We ultimately decided our senior year in college wasn't the best time to move in together, although during quarantine we were able to give cohabitation a test run for about a month. Prior to me moving in with him for a month and me thinking about living with him in the future I have thought about all the questioned posed above about what kind of roommate will he be, what if we get in a fight, what if living together doesn't go well, and this will be another test for our relationship. Although I thought of our quarantined month together as a test run for living together, I was plesently surprised how smoothly it went. We did have a few disagreements but were able to work through them quickly and affectively. Although we aren't able to cohabitate now, it makes me excited for our future and how far we have come as a couple. Thank you for the reassurance that other partners have the same thoughts I do when thinking about living with your significant other.
ReplyDeleteI think these are great things to think about when considering moving in with a significant other. I agree that if it was simply for testing the relationship/convenience, it may not be the best decision to move in with each other. If it is for wanting to spend more time together and be with each other more, it is more likely to be a positive living situation that makes both people happy. I have seen this with a friend of mine who was living with their significant other for about a year. One partner did not like where they were living at the time and decided to move in with their significant other because of location convenience and to also see how the relationship would go when cohabitating. After about a year, they both decided to move into different places. They are still together and seem to have a good relationship, but it seemed like the reasons for living together were not what they should have been.
ReplyDeleteBefore my boyfriend and I moved in together we went through the same issues. We both were worried about what our parents would think but in the end we decided the best decision for the two of us was cohabitation. The biggest reason was finances. We felt that we were wasting money renting two different places when we spent the majority of time at just one. In addition to that, he got a great job which would help pay for the rent and allowed me to focus on school more. We made an agreement where he pays for the rent and I pay the groceries and utilities. It works out well for us! We have learned a lot from living together but have run into a few up and downs. I tend to be a clean freak so it was hard for me to get use to living with a boy. However, we talked through things and came up with a system for cleaning that works for us both. Overall, I would have to say that if you are thinking of cohabitation it is best to weight out all of the pros and cons. If you do not think you are ready then do not do it but if you think that it is best for you then I say jump right in. Living with my boyfriend has definitely brought us closer. Like your family member said, I plan on being with him for the rest of my life and cohabitation is just one step closer to that!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your post. There is often some taboo or pessimism surrounding moving in together, but it can also be a very insightful experience. Last summer, I lived with my boyfriend and learned a lot about myself as a person, partner, and roommate. In the end, things did not work out, but I believe had we not lived together, I would have not realized as quickly as I had how incompatible we were. I feel that the experience helped me know what I want for future relationships and will also make me put in lots more consideration before I cohabit again.
ReplyDeleteMy significant other and I actually began living together before we were dating. I think the different aspects of why to move in together are very interesting and I definitely relate to both reasons! We used this opportunity to spend more time together and test the relationship at the same time. I find it interesting that it is mentioned how what the parent's thought would be the biggest concern, and it was mine too! My boyfriend and I both come from religious families, so neither side was necessarily thrilled that we were cohabiting so early.
ReplyDeleteI have found through living together that I do have a stronger sense of security and peace when we are together. I think that even though we did everything backwards and we never really had the discussion of moving in together, it has helped us to become a stronger couple. We get to spend so much extra time together and grow closer- especially in quarantine!
My significant other and myself had just made the decision to move in together about a week ago. This post gave me some more insight and confidence about this decision to move forward with our lives together. I thought it was interesting to hear how most couples move in together to "test the relationship." I for one, am one of those people who hears that and automatically begins to think about all the negatives. I agree that it's probably not the best idea to move in together if it's just to test things out. I think it's important for couples to lay it all out there and to be a transparent as possible when discussing a topic such as this.
ReplyDeleteI recently just made the decision to move in with my significant other and a friend next year. I am very excited about the move but also very nervous. This blog post was helpful to me because our main reason for moving in together is that we spend most of our time together, so what's the point of having two different homes. Obviously this doesn't mean it will work out but its nice to know that this mind set and intentions tend to be positive. I also think the ability to see if this relationship will work more cohabitant will be nice. As we have talked slightly of being together long term I think having the knowledge of if we cohabitate well will be nice.
ReplyDeleteHello Alli,
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. This stuck out to me because as I think about the future with my partner, I wonder if and when we'd move in together. One reason I would want to wait is because I know I have a tendincey to be a bit messy and disorganized and I'd like the time to work on that before moving in together. I also enjoy the opportunity to live with my friends because I don't know if that's an opportunity I'll have again. One thing your post made me think of when you mentioned "tests" is something I've tried– traveling. I like to travel with my partner because it seems like a good way to begin seeing how you work together when you're on your own in a new environment. Anyway, like you said, it all comes down to how you want to approach the situation and I agree 100% that positive thinking and team-work are what matters most!
I was inclined to read this specific post, since this January through August, my then-boyfriend and I had moved into his sister’s house. Prior to this experience, as well as now, I felt as if being with your best friend all the time has immense benefits for the stability of one’s relationship. If the necessary communication of boundaries and space are not recognized and respected, then living together can end up being an extremely difficult situation to be in. I could see how living together under the expectation to “test” the relationship could result in negative outcomes for both partners, and for the mutual satisfaction of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWritten primarily about cohabitation, this blog discusses the importances of why individuals move in together and why they find it easier in their lives. Individuals who have been together for a while decide that it only makes sense to live together, to spend more time together. Also, some do this to “test” the limits with their significant other, to see if they are compatible when living together as well. All these instcnes can be a por\sitive when it comes to a relationship and can help build and grow the bond. But on the other hand moving in together can come premature and cause deeper rooted issues causing increasingly harder difficulties. My roommate's sister is an example of this. She has been with the same guy for a long time and from the outside makes sense why they moved in together. But in reality this couple moved in together because they don't know what it's like to be independent. By them not finding themselves and being okay living just with themselves it's caused way harder issues that they must overcome.
ReplyDeleteI found this post very fascinating as I recently moved in with my significant other. I find that we decided to move in together as it was convenient and the next step for our relationship. I never thought about it "testing" our relationship but we did find it important to live together before deciding if we wanted to get married or not. I found it interesting that moving in with your partner is more positive when it for wanting to be spend more time together and convenience compared to "testing" the relationship!
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend and I are currently deciding if we want to move in together after I graduate so reading this blog post was very beneficial for me. I definitely feel more validated on moving in with him now since I heard some other people's reasons for moving in with their significant other. One of our main reasons is I don't have anywhere to live back home besides my parents’ house, and I don't want to spend money on getting a place when he already has a house. So, one of our main reasoning is financially it makes more sense and, I think since we're in a long-distance relationship we want to be able to spend a lot of time together since we have missed out on that over the past two years.
ReplyDeleteHello Alli,
ReplyDeleteI found it interesting to learn more about why individuals choose to cohabitate with their partners. Although I am not living with my partner right now, I think I would choose to move in with my partner to test the relationship. I think it is important to know what it is like living with someone who you might spend the rest of your life with and make sure you are compatible with each other. I found it surprising that research points to negative satisfaction in relationships related to testing whether the relationship will work by cohabitating together. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Alli,
ReplyDeleteI felt immediately drawn into this post while considering moving in with my current romantic partner. I relate mainly to the idea of “spending time together”. While having known my current partner for almost 20 years, I truly feel like he is my best friend. With an anxious attachment and secure attachment present in our relationship, I still feel like we have a strong bond between the two of us. In addition, we spend majority of our time shifting from one apartment to the other and spend majority of our time together outside of classes and work. I was surprised to see that research support this and showed that relationship satisfaction was higher after romantic partners moved in together. That is increasingly positive in helping me to make this decision with my partner. Great blog post!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your blog. I think couples making that decision to move in together is a good way to grow closer together. I also think it is a good experience to test out if the relationship will work out or not based on how the two individuals live together. I think as long as partners communicate on what is working and not working with living together, it should work out. I can see why couples move in for financial reasons because it is cheaper instead of having two separate places. However, the challenge comes when there is a disagreement and there is no personal space to run back to… I have not lived with a partner because I personally like my own space because I like it to be cleaned a certain way but would not mind being open to the idea in the future. Thank you for writing!
That was a really interesting blog post given that I am a college student who has lived for over a year with her significant other. Moving in together was a very important decision and step in our relationship. We had very clear intentions and commitment to each other and I would not have moved in with someone if I wasn't sure I wanted to spend my life with them. Our motives went beyond convenience and were a step to take before getting married.
ReplyDeleteMoving in with my partner is something I think about a lot. Though I am not planning on it anytime soon, I acknowledge it is a big step and it is something that me and my partner talk about frequently. In hopes that we are still in a relationship in a few years, we will most likely decide to live together while I attend graduate school. We have spent the night at each other’s places, and it seems to go very well every time. At first, I was a bit hesitant about sharing my space but after having conversations with my partner I realize that I need to learn how to compromise. Given that he is my best friend, I think things would work really well if we are able to cohabitate in the future.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this post, really resonating with the first section. My boyfriend and I have known each other for a long time and have had good communication throughout our relationship. For the first year and a half that we were dating we lived in different places. Although they were close to one another, we were hardly apart, spending a week at my apartment and then another at his. When our leases were ending we decided to live together and a couple friends to cover the cost of rent. Although there were a couple arguments here and there about how we needed the room to be, we always made sure to never leave the house upset or go to bed angry.
ReplyDeleteHI Alli
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post; I think that a couple moving in together is something that is different for every couple. I agree with your part about how spending more time together can make a couple stronger and can make an individual's satisfaction higher. It is essential to spend more time with e significant other to see if you can see yourself being with them in the long run. From personal experience, not with a significant other but with a roommate can be challenging; it can ruin a friendship because you both don’t live well with each other, so you just have to see.
Hi Alli, I have heard so many reasons why couples decide to cohabitate. The first one you listed is a very important one because not only do you get to grow your relationship, but it is also helping you save money. Between driving back and forth from each other’s places and paying for separate rent, groceries, etc., it makes sense to move in together. However, I have also heard of the idea that couples are testing the waters of their relationship. Am I able to live with this person long-term? Will I see another side of them? One of my friends moved in for this reason and it, unfortunately, did not work out. I guess it was better that they found out then!
ReplyDeleteAs my partner and I have started to approach the idea of moving in, we have done so with a lot of caution. For starters, she has been living with her ex for the past 3 years, and has explained that is has simply been awful. For that reason, she does not feel like she is ready to move in with me with the fear that we may potentially break up and then she will once again have to live with an ex. On the other hand, I have also lived with an ex and didn't think it was that bad. We were both civilized with each other and when it came time, we both moved out and on to new things. For that reason, I often find myself curious as to when she'll be ready to move in. We are both approaching graduation, and making our plans for the future. I usually find myself frustrated because I am in the boat where we spend a crazy amount of time with each other so it would make sense to just move-in together, while she is worried that if we move in with each other we could break up. I don't know what she needs from our relationship to feel confident enough moving in with me. After reading this article, I wonder if there are other individuals in the same boat who also don't know what to do. I believe I am ready to start the next chapter of our relationship, while it feels like she is already putting an expiration date on our relationship.
ReplyDeleteAlli, in my case it was a bit different. We were spending so much time together at the time we were dating that it just naturally happened. We never had a full conversation about moving in together, but next I know we were doing laundry together at my house, grocery shopping together and spending almost every night in our apartment. Next thing I know, I was three months pregnant planning to move into a bigger apartment and planning a nursing room for our daughter. Not to mention that both of our families were not very thrilled about our living arrangement. Latinx culture does not put much value on a woman after she has lived with someone before marriage (not to mention getting pregnant), so me and my husband had a lot to prove (to ourselves and our families). After two children, living together for six years we finally tied the knot in 2019. Doing it our own way has worked for us so far.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of moving in with my girlfriend and we both think this would be a good next step since we both graduate soon and would do so after we graduate. We have talked about each other's habits and what could cause conflict or not and how to navigate that. Her parents would not think anything of us moving in together, but my parents would not be as understanding. As of now we are either at my house or hers and have set ups at both houses for my dog to not have to transfer food every other night and toys as well. We have talked about the financial stress it could take off us as well, but I think that your post is really well written and that it is a very good way to test the relationship for the long term.
ReplyDeleteI know many people that relate to this. My current roommate is moving in with her boyfriend next year. She also used the reasoning that they are together all the time which is true they are. I also agree that is important to live with a significant other before marriage to “test” the relationship or to see if you can handle it. I for sure struggle with this I moved in with my best friends and realized it's ruining our relationships due to little living situations that aren’t working out. I also found it interesting that when people say they live together to test their relationship it ruins satisfaction within their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be really intriguing as many of my friends are now moving into this stage of life with their partners. The testing of the relationship concept is really the ultimate deal breaker on whether the relationship would or wouldn’t succeed in the long run. When moving in together is the ultimate test I think that it is the set up to failure. My best friend and her boyfriend moved in together for testing reasons, and their lease deadlines and they had been together for 10 years, but this tore them apart. Learning another persons habits and adjusting to them is really difficult and mentally draining.
ReplyDeleteThis blog made me think about my current citation with my partner. It is relieving to know that other couples go through the same situation. My parents are very conservative and moving in before marriage is very frowned upon. I had a conversation with them about moving in with my boyfriend and they disagreed and in a way discouraged me from doing so. I feel like you never really get to know your partner until you are living with them, so when do you really know if they are the right one for you? It is my senior year in college and only held off on moving in due to being overwhelmed with school life. Living together can be a big commitment, but can also help you understand your partner more.
ReplyDeleteThis made me think of my partner and I, who are currently considering living together next year. I moved for college away from California and he is still living there. I love it here and he visited and he loved it as well but he doesn't get along well with my friends at all. He felt out of place in my dorm room but he wants to live together soon. He is no longer happy in California and he wants us to move in together. I love the idea of spending more time together and we have a lot of fun when we travel together and i really miss him when we are apart. I'm not completely sure that I am ready to share my space with him even though we spend a lot of time together. We have been dating for a year and are very in love and talking about a future but he is more sure than I am that we should be together long-term. I would say i relate to this post mostly because of the convenience aspect of cohabitation. Both of our families aren't extremely traditional and would support us living together I'm just not sure yet.
ReplyDelete