Should I pursue a long-distance relationship with them?
Many of us have asked ourselves this question before; I know I have. It’s the classic Camp Rock story: we’ve met someone on a trip over the summer, and we’ve developed a hardcore crush or maybe even started to date that special someone. But when the time you have together is coming to an end, you have to decide if you’ll end the relationship or try to continue it hundreds of miles apart. So what factors should you consider?
How close you already are to your partner.
Attachment studies show that after we’ve begun creating deeper connections with someone, they become a source of comfort in times of stress, also known as our safe haven (Harvey, 2020). If we cannot physically go to our partner when we are struggling, will you be able to get support from them via technology, or from another close friend? Even leaving your partner after bonding closely with them can cause separation distress, which can include longing for your significant other and feelings of loneliness (Harvey, 2020). It sounds like no fun, right? It is paramount for us to consider if we’ll have the time and energy in our lives to not only support our significant other, but also get support for ourselves (which is an entire job on its own, as we all know). A close friend of mine who has experience in long-distance relationships told me how he maintained closeness with his most recent relationship: “We did a lot of Facetime and a lot of Skype. Even if we weren't talking just one-on-one, we would have each other on while we did our own thing. It was as close as we could get to being in the same room together” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).
What your personal attachment style is.
There are different attachment styles that an individual may have, and these will influence our behaviors in romantic relationships, which may be highlighted in long-distance. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may already be prone to worrying if their partner cares about them or enjoys being with them, and this fear may be amplified if they are unable to receive in-person support (Harvey, 2020). On the flip side, someone with a secure attachment may need less affirmation about the quality of their relationship, and can be honest if any issues arise, even though it might be more difficult to handle conflict while separated (Harvey, 2020). If you are someone who is future-focused and enjoys dreaming about you and your partner’s eventual reunion, you may also experience more satisfaction; so daydream to your heart’s content! (Merolla, 2012).
But just because someone does not have a secure attachment or optimistic orientation does not mean long-distance would be impossible. Personally, I tend to need a lot of reassurance in my relationships, and while in a recent long-distance relationship, I just needed simple texts throughout the day to remind me that my partner still cared about me, and they were more than happy to do that to keep our relationship intact.
If you’re willing to put in a little more work.
Ultimately, not being physically close to your partner means that we may have to pick up the phone a little more in order to stay close. Luckily, an increase in communication technologies has greatly decreased historical stress in long-distance relationships (Merolla, 2012). We are all unique individuals, and our differences may mean that some of us may not be the best fit for long-distance. I know plenty of friends that have pursued someone from afar, and an equal amount who have decided against it. I encourage you to do what feels best for YOU. I think my close friend summarizes this decision nicely: “It really is something that you may not know until you try it, but before entering into a long distance relationship, really think about who the person is and where you are in your life” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).
Sources
Harvey, A. (2020). Couples and Attachment [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State
University Canvas site for HDFS 402: info.canvas.colostate.edu
Merolla, A. J. (2012). Connecting here and there: A model of long‐distance relationship
maintenance. Personal Relationships, 19(4), 775–795.
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01392.x
maintenance. Personal Relationships, 19(4), 775–795.
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01392.x
Alli,
ReplyDeleteI found your post very interesting! I could personally relate to this topic as I am currently in a long distance relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for more than a year now and our long distance relationship has been a success! We constantly keep in contact daily by either just texting each other often to obtain that reassurance and talking on facetime each night. This has worked greatly for us and it is the best way we are able to keep in contact often. We also visit each other at least once or twice a month which has also been a great aid in our long distance relationship. I definitely agree that a long distance relationship may need extra work. I also agree that a long distance relationship can be successful depending on each partner and their willingness of commitment. Thank you for sharing this wonderful and valuable information!
Hello Alli,
ReplyDeleteI really gravitated towards your post due to the fact that my best friend currently lives half way across the country from me. Regardless of her not being my significant other i do struggle a lot not having her around and at times it can cause tension in our friendship. Although relationships are different there is lots of effort that goes into keeping long distance relationships whether they be with a significant other or not. Our attachment styles have gone to show that we can overcome being long distance for the moment but it is definitely different per each relationship
Hi Alli,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. I thought that it was very insightful. I agree that there are somethings that couples must be willing to do to help sustain their relationship. I thought it was interesting to see how different attachment styles invoke different actions and behaviors of someone in a long-distance relationship. I do think that reassurance and communication is important in a relationship, and specifically with a long-distance relationship. As with couples that do not get to see each other as often, it is important to maintain a good amount of communication with each other, as this is key to having a successful long-distance relationship.
Hello Alli,
ReplyDeleteThis was such an interesting post! I immediately clicked on it because this was a question that has kept me up at night for weeks on end!When my partner was getting ready to move, I was so nervous and so scared. As an anxious attachment individual, I was so apprehensive to this experience but didn't want to stop my partner from pursuing their dreams. As you mentioned, technology has helped immensely and I too have noticed that those small affirmations through out the day do make all the difference. It really is up to what partners are willing and wanting to do, and no one can make that decision except for them! Great work and I appreciated your dedication to addressing different perspectives!
Hi Alli,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this post and made the topic of long distance not as scary as it was to me. My boyfriend is graduating in a few days while I still have another year in school so we will be doing long distance for the time being. At times, I worry it won't work out but after reading this, I think by putting in the work, we will get through it. We communicate a lot and are really close and want to be together in the long run so it's reassuring to know if we keep this up, we have a higher chance of staying together. I also think it's good my boyfriend and I have secure attachment because if one of us had an anxious attachment, I think it would be a lot harder to get through. Thank you for sharing!
Hello Alli, I felt like I could really connect with your blog post. I think that it was very informative and something that one that is pursuing a long-distance should read about. I personally have been in a long-distance relationship and at the time my partner had an anxious/insecure attachment style which had him need that extra sense of security from me. On the other hand, I had a secure attachment and I was able to do my own thing then facetime later on. Although most relationships are completely different I think that long-distance relationships are a lot of work, that personally, I did not enjoy because I like the physical connection that I have with someone.
ReplyDeleteThis is a question I frequently find myself considering after my boyfriend said he might do grad school out of state. I don’t want to do long-distance but I also don’t want to lose him. My roommate has been in a long-distance relationship for a very long time now and she has cheated on him frequently and has not told her significant other. He has no idea and thinks that she has been faithful. I don’t want that to happen to me, I don't know if it would be worth it. It’s so hard to have the physical aspect missing.
ReplyDeleteMy partner and I are currently in what I consider a long-distance relationship. Though we live in the same state, we are attending two different colleges that require us to be there full time. However, I think the fact that we met online and got into our relationship knowing that we would not always be able to see each other made it stronger. Our hometowns are very close and when I go home to visit or for the summer, we often spend as much time as we can together. I think we have made it work very well overall and the distance has not gotten in the way of us communicating. We have established a deep connection with each other to the point where we are comfortable going to each other for emotional support. My partner and I also have become very attached and frequently work on becoming more secure with one another. Overall, I think that if two people are willing to put in equal amounts of effort into their relationship, there is no reason why distance should be a reason to call things off.
ReplyDeleteHi Alli
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your blog post. I think talking about long-distance relationships is very important because many people go through them. I found it interesting that you added to see if you can do long-distance. One of my friends was in a long-distance relationship that lasted a while, but my friend spent most of her time driving down south and not taking the time to drive up north, so It was a lot of a one-sided relationship. Both attachment styles were very anxious, which led to issues when they were apart. Overall great job; I think that this is an important topic to talk about.
Hello! I loved reading this blog post and learning more about what goes into a long distance relationship. I personally have never done long distance, but my sister and many of my friends have. However, all these relationships have worked out differently, and I think it has a lot to do with attachment style and closeness to your partner. My sister met her boyfriend during her study abroad experience, and they struggled to make it work when they were apart. She ultimately moved to Germany to be with him and now they have been together for 5 years. Whereas my friend recently broke up with her long distance boyfriend because they struggled to make time for one another. I think long distance is an extremely hard commitment and requires a lot of energy, however if it’s the right person, it’s worth it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I have never done long distance, nor do I really have any desire to do so, but this can be because I am a very in the moment, present person. I love quality time and always feel like I am missing out when not with this person. I think it does, however, depend on some of these things. I have seen one of my best friends in college do long distance and so reading this post, I was able to think about what I have seen from her relationship and apply it here. I think it was interesting to mention the workload you are willing to put into this relationship. If there is no effort, then it won’t work.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog post insightful about how attachment styles can influence relationships. The point about leaving your partner after bonding closely can cause distress because long distance relationships are hard because they leave and even though you can still be connected through technology can make it easier where you can facetime and see your partner quite a bit. I would also think that I would be able to do a long distance relationship but I know that it will be hard, but with the technological advance it makes it easier to bond, and truly seeing future with that person is crucial.
ReplyDeleteLong Distance has never been something I have personally had any experience with, but as my partner is moving away soon, we are facing the question of whether or not to do long distance. It is an extremely difficult decision because we will be in two very different time zones and thousands of miles away from each other. I like how this blog outlines the two different things to be considered about long distance; attachment style and willingness to put in the effort. We both have secure attachment styles, which is a good thing when entering a long distance relationship. The last thing we need to figure out is if we are willing to put in all of the extra work that comes with being in a long distance relationship.
ReplyDeleteAloha! I really enjoyed reading your post. You gave really good examples of different aspects of personality, goals, and attachment style that affect long-term relationships. I think this is a relevant topic for a lot of reasons, but especially so post-COVID and among young college students, many of whom are, as you said, making big moves, be they vacation- or education-related, over summer. My partner and I spent last summer apart from one another. He was doing research in Montana while I was working in Colorado. Your friend, S. Black, described our virtual times spot-on: we would connect on screen for hours at a time while we did our own homework, made different dinners, or read books. I think doing that, though it was sometimes frustrating or unsatisfying, really helped maintain the trust and intimacy of our relationship during our months apart. Long-distance relationships can be really powerful experiences for self-discovery as well as relationship maintenance, and learning how to talk about boundaries, expectations, and needs.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhen I stumbled into a new relationship, I often found myself easily becoming jealous. Despite telling myself not to, the emotion was hard to block out. I always thought a reasonable amount of jealousy was healthy because it showed I cared.
ReplyDeleteI’ve noticed that my attachment style plays a role. Securely attached people experience jealousy but don’t let it take over. Insecure-avoidant folks might seem indifferent, using denial to cope, while insecure-anxious people, like me, often express jealousy through anger and control, which can really damage trust.
I talked to my friend, who has an anxious attachment style, about this. She admitted, “In college, I was insanely jealous of a girl who was friends with my boyfriend. I would stalk them on social media and accuse him of things that weren’t true. My jealousy played a big part in our breakup.”
Recognizing how our attachment style influences jealousy helps. I’ve learned to normalize the feeling, take a deep breath, and talk openly with my partner about it. It’s a journey, but understanding where my jealousy comes from makes it a bit easier to handle.