“Fear of Being Single”

As children, we develop certain fears that we often carry for the rest of our lives.  Maybe a traumatic experience on the swings when you were three years old set you up for a lifelong fear of heights.  Maybe a terrifying shadow that only appeared at night in your childhood bedroom is the reason that you still sleep with a nightlight. When I was young, I was never afraid of moths—I would catch them in my hands and I loved the way they tickled my fingers.  However, after a particular instance when a moth flew out of my bedsheets as I was crawling into bed one night—I’ll admit it—moths have brought me to tears….on multiple occasions.

It is clear that our childhoods can have a monumental impact on the fears that we take on later in life.  One of the most prominent may not be spiders or ghosts, however, but a fear of being single. 

We have all known at least one person who seems to always be in a relationship.  Maybe that person is you.  I interviewed one senior in college who reported the longest period of time that she has been single since 8^th grade being “three months.” If this sounds familiar, it can leave us wondering why people who are equally as beautiful, equally as smart, and equally as friendly can be completely unalike in this area. 

If you have been following this blog and read my last post about perpetual singlehood, you might be asking if there is also a connection to attachment theory for those who are constantly in a romantic relationship.  It may consequentially surprise you that these two population groups who appear to be total opposites, have actually been suggested to be “cut from the same cloth” as it were.  Research has suggested that those who are almost never single also tend to show anxious attachment—just like those who have always been single! (Spielmann, et al., 2013).

However, that is not all that research suggests. Some studies also link always being in a relationship to “settling for less” in those relationships (Spielmann et al., 2013).  Women with a fear of being single were more likely to show romantic interest in partners who were less responsive and less attractive than their counterparts (Spielmann et al., 2013). When I asked the same college senior if she could remember a time when she clearly settled in a relationship, she responded, “Ummm I mean, yeah.  Probably, I’d have to say all of them.” ….Then again, don’t we all feel that way about our exes?

If you find yourself in this position—seemingly always in a relationship or at least always looking for one—consider taking some “me” time. Being single can give you the opportunity to develop strong friendships, learn new things, travel to places you’ve never been, and truly get to know yourself more.  It is critical to have this time before getting married because it allows you to become the person that you want to be for your future spouse. 

Although research is inconclusive, there seems to exist a trend for rocky relationship histories to correlate in some way with our attachment patterns.  Just as we develop fears during our childhoods of heights, the dark, or terrifying and dusty winged insects, it seems that the attachment pattern that forms in our infancy can cultivate a very real “fear of being single.”  In my very non-professional opinion, exposure therapy may be the best remedy for all of the above.

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0034628