I am sure that at some point in time we have all heard
the infamous phrase: “opposites attract.” It has been used to describe many
things from the science of magnetism to explaining surprising matches in
relationships between two people who we may never have expected to be together.
I personally have found myself (a poster child for the average-looking human)
attracted to people who I would describe as incredibly different than
myself… something about those heavy metal, eye-liner wearing, jet-black dyed
hair, pierced up men really gets to me, what can I say. So, is this phenomenon
true? Do opposites really attract?
I decided to look into the studies of attachment
style. There are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-anxious, and
insecure-avoidant. Secure attachment is the type of attachment that we typically
all strive for—these are the people who generally have the most success in
relationships. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to have more issues
in relationships due to insecurity. Anxious people have tendencies to jump
straight to intimacy and overwhelm their partner, while avoidant people come
across as uncaring and more into prospects of a sexual relationship rather than
an intimate one (Zortea, Gray, & O’Connor, 2019). Many of us have likely
experienced relationships where we had more anxious tendencies and others where
we have leaned more on the avoidant side, but in general, we tend to identify
with one over the other if we experience insecure attachment.
Research shows that everyone, regardless of their own
attachment style, finds securely attached partners most attractive (Mikulincer
& Shaver, 2016). But I was curious as to whether or not anxious people tend
to end up with avoidant people (and vise-versa) or if insecurely attached
people tended to end up with people who had the same attachment style as their
own. Research conducted by Mikulincer and Shaver (2016) found that in many
cases, people with an avoidant attachment wound up in actual dating
relationships with anxiously attached people. The researchers speculated that
this was because anxiously attached people take more initiative in starting
relationships and avoidant people tend to passively accept the situation,
rather than communicate their objections (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This
would suggest that while opposites may not always attract, they may tend to
find themselves in relationships together because of their differences.
A friend of mine explained that she had typically
found herself being the anxious one in relationships and her partners always
seemed to be avoidant. When I asked about how this happened, she explained:
“I typically am the one
who initiates relationships and I tend to go for men who have a hard time
opening up, so when they do open up it feels like a victory and makes our
relationship feel stronger. But after a while, it feels like they typically
pull away and it is a constant battle to maintain emotional intimacy.”
However, before you walk away from this thinking that
you have to find the avoidant to your anxious or the anxious to your avoidant,
research has also suggested that insecurely attached people tend to seek out
people with their same attachment style. Anxious people do find themselves
drawn to anxiously attached people and the same goes for avoidant seeking out
avoidant—this is likely because people feel more validated in their feelings
and actions when they are with someone who has the same tendencies as them
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
There is evidence that supports the idea that
opposites attract, but understand that there is also evidence supporting that similar
people end up together as well. So, if you find yourself drawn to someone and
question how you ended up there, don’t overthink it, just lean in. Who knows,
the love of your life may be someone you would have never expected.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment
process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp.
299-346). New York:
Guilford Press.
Zortea, T. C., Gray, C. M., & O’Connor, R. C.
(2019). Adult attachment: Investigating the factor structure of the Relationship Scales Questionnaire. Journal
of Clinical Psychology, 75(12),
2169–2187. https://doi org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/jclp.22838
I found this article to be very interesting. I have dated or been with men who are either the same as me or the complete opposite as me. I found it interesting that there has been data collected that anxiety attachment style individuals can end up with avoidant style attachment individuals. Since anxiety attachment is usually the individual that jumps immediately into intimacy since they are usually more insecure, I found it interesting they could date an individual who is more uncaring (avoidant attachment style). This is intriguing to me because anxiety attachment is usually in need of more attention and more effort since those individuals are usually more insecure and need constant reassurance that everything is okay. Whereas, if they are with an avoidant attachment rather than their own, those individuals are not as caring and probably would not give the amount of attention they are looking for and needing. It was stated near the end of the article that there were also studies that indicated that individuals who are insecurely attached people tend to seek out people with their same style. This makes sense because when individuals are together with the same tendencies, they usually know what to look for in the other individual and how to help them when they are upset since they have been through it. It was discussed that even there is evidence that opposites attract, it is also possible for individuals to attract to people that are the same as them.
ReplyDeleteBefore even reading this article, it immediately caught my eye because I always knew that the saying that "opposites" attract but I wanted to learn more about it because my boyfriend and I have very similar views on a lot of topics but also opposite in some ways. This was a very well written blog. I love how at the end you state how there is evidence on both and to give some simple advise, to let people know it is okay to just lean into a relationship and not worrying so much about the "evidence" on if it it will last due to you and the partner being so similar or not similar at all.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post! I appreciated reading this blog post because it was very insightful, I agree that attachment style is a very big component in how close couples are and how well they connect. In this post you shared that "Research shows that everyone, regardless of their own attachment style, finds securely attached partners most attractive.." I found this interesting and I immediately understood that this was true. I came up with many examples of this that I have seen myself. A friend of mine has told me that she prefers to have someone who is"stable" and confident in the relationship. For her the definition of "stable" sounds a lot like someone who has secure attachment, they don't get too anxious when they are away from their partner and do not have "clingy" or insecure traits. I too have found myself to be attracted to people with secure attachment traits. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Molly, this was a very interesting topic you wrote about. In my own personal experience with friends, relationships and everything else, I can naturally see myself gravitating towards people who are more like me. However, the more I get to know those I surround myself with, I realize how different we are as well. I do not think that when choosing friends or a partner, we choose those who are opposite to us, but naturally we as people find people who we have a lot in common with. Overall, this was a great blog and I am interested to learn more about this.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post, and thought that it was super insightful. I never thought about how our attachment styles can reflect who we look for in a relationship. I think that does influence about how couples are similar, and how they might be different. I also think that it is super interesting how similar we tend to meet people and be in relationships with. A prominent factor that has been discussed when looking for a relationship is if that person upholds/has similar values and beliefs that we do? I think that I also have to agree that we tend to find people/relationships where we are more similar than different, as we do not typically find people where we have nothing in common, but we usually meet people with at least a few things in common with each other.
Hello Molly!
ReplyDeleteThis was an excellent post and I enjoyed reading what you had to say. I was interested in your post as the title reminded me of something I've asked myself often. I think at times, I have typically gravitated to people "opposite" of me and I think that had to do with feeling anxious about who I was and not wanting to be with someone "like me". However, in my experience I've come to learn that while I do appreciate some differences, I do need someone who is similar to me in their values. Differences are healthy and normal but I've noticed that too much of "opposites" can sometimes result in negative outcomes. That being said, I loved your advice about how above all, we should simply try to just lean-in to situations. I think that's the best way too go about it, too!
9. I can definitely understand and relate to the feelings that securely attached individuals come across as more attractive. In my previous relationship, there were many times where he was anxiously attached, and this was really difficult for me. Having to consistently worry about whether or not I am upsetting him because of the people that I was hanging out with was tiring. It was also not great knowing that there was a lack of trust, when there should not have been a reason for him to lose trust in me. Regardless, having an individual fully trust you and be secure in the relationship that you have can make things really wonderful, and can bring about many benefits. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello again Molly! I love this topic because my boyfriend and I aren’t as different as we think we are. Whenever I heard this phrase “opposites attract” it made me feel self-conscious in my relationships because my boyfriend and I are so similar. I think it is interesting that people still say this phrase because I have found that both similar and different people attract to one another and that the difference between the two types of people are slim to none. I am not a scientist but can attest that similar people attract too! I think the link of attachment and attraction is apparent in your argument and wish I could read more about it. Thank you! - Ashley Hildreth
ReplyDeleteHi Molly!
ReplyDeleteIt was extremely interesting to see the evidence and researcher that back up the phrase "opposites attract". I never realized that the phrase could be connected to attachment styles. I find that my partner and I both have anxious attachment styles and I have never really thought the attraction that can come from that. I would love to hear more information about how opposite attachments lead to a overall better relationship which makes complete sense!
Hi Molly thank you so much for sharing! For as long as I can remember, I have heard the saying “opposites attract”. I think he way you explained the relationship between these opposites is extremely interesting and I can relate to it in many different aspects of my life. The past couple men I have had interest in, we were absolutely nothing alike. However, I think that intrigued me as I was curious of going into the unknown with them and wanted to see where these new experiences would take me. Nowhere good I guess however because I am not in contact with any of them anymore. Still a great topic and conversation you have created here on the blog, thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteHi Molly, I was immediately attracted to this post because it brings up an age old question. I can see both sides of the argument because I have known people who are very similar and love one another, and opposites who love one another. When you shared your attraction to people who look very different than you (such as with dyed hair), it reminded me of my friend Anna. Anna is a very nerdy, studious girl, but all her boyfriends have been “batboys.” In contrast to their personalities though, Anna and her boyfriends have typically both been avoidant or secure because she has not generally gotten along with anxious personality types before. Regardless, I was able to see both sides of your argument through this example, well done!
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteAlthough I was already familiar with the idea that opposites attract, I wanted to learn more about it since I naturally gravitate towards friends, relationships, and so forth who are similar to me as well as in some ways opposite. People do not choose friends or partners who are opposite to them, but naturally find people who have much in common. It is so interesting how in your last sentence you say both sides have evidence to support them as well as some simple advice to let people know it's OK to just lean into a relationship and not worry so much about the "evidence" of if it will last due to you and your partner being similar or not.I enjoyed reading this blog immensely, and I am very curious to learn more about it.
The phrase “opposites attract” is something that I have always heard and something that I thought was true growing up. However, my most recent relationships showed me that this isn’t true, at least not for me. When I met my most current ex-boyfriend I thought that we were different, he was shy and kept to himself while I was outgoing and had a lot of people I could call my friends. But after meeting his family I found that we were very similar, his dad made terrible jokes like mine, he was the middle child just like me, and their family values were almost identical to my own. I thought back to the phrase and was a little weirded out, thinking about how similar we were raised. My current boyfriend has even more similarities with me and my family, specifically my dad (sorry), than my ex. There are so many mannerisms that my boyfriend has that my sisters and mom talk about all the time. I didn’t like this at first, not wanting to be with someone who reminded me about my dad, but he really showed all the good qualities he had as well as individual greater qualities. This may be because of my secure attachment style with my parents, but I don’t really know.
ReplyDeleteThis was one of the more interesting posts I have read on connecting attachment style and relationships. I can see how the opposite person dating the anxious person takes more initiation in the relationship. I also do think that opposites attract because they kind of carry and support where the other lacks. Even with an anxious attachment style a person can benefit from a relationship with their strengths rather than drag it with its struggles. Additionally, most people who are in a kind of relationship have their differences and similarities thus making relationships fun and interesting.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have heard the saying that opposites attract, so after seeing your title I wanted to learn more about if it is a myth or not. Personally, I have been in relationships with individuals who were not like me at all and it only worked out for a little bit. There were smaller differences at the beginning which were intriguing to learn more about, but then it turned into frustrations later on. After a while, I would realize that there were fundamental differences in how we reacted to things and our overall attachment styles, and the relationship would end. I have also learned that most people try to find a partner who is securely attached, so I think that I may have more to learn about myself in order to get there for myself.
ReplyDeleteThe saying opposites attract comes easy to my generation, we have grown up hearing that phrase. I think that in my situation this phrase is applicable to my life. I feel as I seek relationships with people who have different attachment styles in a form of my own validation toward the fact that I can change someone and not necessarily make them have similar tendencies but better themselves. I tend to also find beauty in differences as it only becomes more of an open ground to form more connections through new forms in which I would have never inhibited on my own.
ReplyDeleteThis blog made me think of my last relationship and my current one. I always thought opposites attract but found out that that was far from the truth. My last relationship we were complete opposites and found myself always arguing due to having different interests, and our friend groups never colliding with one another. We always went out separately and never really liked going out with one another’s friends due to being so different. My current relationship, we are very alike and i’ve never had so much fun going out than when I do with him. My friends have become his and vice versa, our backgrounds are very similar and feel like we understand each other way more. We share similar family and life values and this always stood out to me, so I actually don’t think opposites attract all the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was very young, all I ever heard was that “opposites attract” so I was convinced that when I grew up, my perfect partner would be nothing like me. It did not take long into my pre-teen years to realize that is far from true. I am a firm believer that people with similar personalities, interests, values, and beliefs are more likely to attract than those who do not. Although attachment styles in romantic relationships certainly can vary among couples in successful relationships, I personally do not think I could be in a relationship with someone with a polar opposite attachment style than me. For example, I would say I have a more secure style and I do not think I would do well with someone with an anxious or avoidant style. But, hey! Ya never know!
ReplyDelete• That was super interesting, thank you for sharing! You do hear that opposites attract but I had never thought about how it would be impacted by attachment styles. I have a friend who is an anxious attachment style and she recently got out of a relationship with someone who had an avoidant attachment style. She was talking about the relationship and how she seemed to make progress by her partner opening up to her about things going on yet soon after her partner would not open up or seem even less inclined to talk about things. It became a difficult cycle for her since she wanted to support them the best she could.
ReplyDelete