“Girl, what’d he do?”: A College Student’s Guide to Comforting Your Distraught Friends (by Merci Sugai)

From dramatic plotlines in shows like Gossip Girl and Scandal to Tristan Thompson’s very public infidelity with Jordyn Woods, cheating is presented throughout social media, television, and popular movies. Cheating is truly ingrained in our culture. I’m sure you or your friends have experienced infidelity sometime throughout these few years at CSU. Unfortunately, it is incredibly common for many relationships. Marriage and relationship research shows us that 25% of committed relationships experience some form of infidelity.¹  

Personally, I have never had a relationship end because of cheating, but I have had countless friends and peers confide in me that they have experienced their partners being unfaithful. As a friend and future helping professional, I want to do all in my power to help them through these difficult times, as they deal with infidelity. Although a pint of ice cream and a sad movie might be temporarily healing, research shows that being cheated on can actually have long term effects on all relationships, including future romantic partners, family, friends, and future children.¹ Because these effects might need more guidance than a face mask and a hug (although these are nice gestures), us HDFS students need to learn the most appropriate ways to comfort and guide our peers through these tough times of infidelity.

First, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge your friend’s behavior through an attachment lens. People with high attachment anxiety might express more aggressive behaviors after discovering their partner’s infidelity¹, so you as a confidant might need to give them space to express their emotions. After you allow them time to breathe, you could sit and brainstorm with them about things that might be triggering, such as seeing pictures of their ex-partner or hearing a certain song that reminds them of an ex. Invite your friend to recognize the triggers and talk through them with you. Instead of telling them to block their ex’s number, try advising your highly attachment-anxious friends to channel their anger into journaling, exercising, or artistic expression.¹

However, if your friend or peer has a more secure attachment style, it is easy to think that they might bounce back quicker than others with attachment anxiety or avoidance. It’s also easy to fall into gendered stereotypes, believing that men expressing emotional distress after a break-up is irregular. Research conducted on 400+ college students with a variety of attachment styles demonstrated that 60% of men with insecure attachment styles and 42% of men with secure attachment styles said sexual infidelity was the most distressing challenge that could hinder a relationship.² This essentially means that, regardless of the subject’s sex and attachment style, cheating brought out the most intense emotions compared to any other potential roadblock (such as long distance or unexpected illness) in a romantic relationships.

What if your friend still wants to date their unfaithful partner? How could you still be supportive? Even if this is not the choice that you personally would have made, it is still important to recognize and be aware of the advice you could give your friend in this situation. One way to advise your friend is presenting options for couple’s therapy. As college students, this may not be something that is feasible at the moment, but long-term partnerships should consider therapy, even if the infidelity occurred while they were still in college. Couple’s therapy, specifically couples therapy after an infidelity, is challenging but proven to be better in long-term relationship satisfaction.³ Therapists can cognitively map out the couple’s goals, both in the present and for years to follow; this can be extremely rewarding and beneficial for the well-being and relationship of couples who have experienced infidelity.³ This cognitive behavioral therapy may not be for everyone, but as a friend, it is important to bring up this possibility to someone who chooses to remain with their partner after they have cheated.

It’s important to recognize that grief from a lost relationship looks different for every human. But, research proves that infidelity impacts everyone in some way, regardless of attachment style or gender.² Look out for your friends and peers and remind them that they aren’t alone in their heartbreak. We as college students can provide more than just chocolate during a breakup; we can nurture our peers as they navigate through mistrust and re-shaping a relationship. Check on your friends (more than once), validate their emotions, actually listen to what they’re saying, and ask about their feelings. Reassure them that they are not alone, and work on ways that they can channel their emotions in a healthy and confident way. Cheating is incredibly challenging and heartbreaking, but we can take steps to help our friends re-build stronger and better relationships in the future.  

¹Tagler, M. J., & Gentry, R. H. (2011). Gender, jealousy, and attachment: A (more) thorough examination across measures and samples. Journal of Research in Personality, 45(6), 697-701.

²Wang, C.-C. D., King, M. L., & Debernardi, N. R. (2012). Adult attachment, cognitive appraisal, and university students’ reactions to romantic infidelity. Journal of College Counseling, 15(2), 101-116.

³Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Synder, D. K. (2008). Optimal strategies in couple therapy: Treating couples dealing with the trauma of infidelity. Contemporary Psychotherapy, 38, 151-160.

To all the Single Ladies (and Guys) by Lauren Fredeen

Do you find yourself pushing yourself away from every potential partner that you start to get close to? Do you shy away from commitment because you want to keep your independence? Or do you feel that you experience love as a form of obsession, yet find that relationships rarely meet your expectations? Many people find themselves opting for singlehood for numerous reasons. Attachment style is not only an important aspect in relationships but is also a major factor in being single. Singlehood is very common in college as college students often prefer short-term, casual relationships over long-term relationships because it allows them to focus on their academic and career goals, as well as spend time with friends.[1]

One research article describes two types of attachment systems that cause people to choose singlehood, including attachment-system deactivation and attachment-system hyperactivation.[2] Attachment-system deactivation is associated with an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with this attachment style often display reluctance to getting close with others and maintain emotional distance. Individuals with attachment-system deactivation often report not believing in love, expect relationship failure, have low commitment, and have low romantic interest when interacting with potential partners. Due to these common behaviors and beliefs, these individuals are less likely to be in a committed relationship and are more likely to avoid new relationships after a break-up.[2]  I interviewed a friend who seems to fit into this category of attachment:

“I have a desire to be with someone, but for some reason I always find myself pushing people away once we start talking. I think I am just afraid to lose my independence and my ability to hang out with friends as much. I have definitely talked to my fair share of guys that seem to do everything right, yet I still always find myself acting distant and eventually ending it. I’m not sure why!”

I personally also identify with this type of attachment style. Despite being attracted to the idea of having a romantic partner, I always push potential partners away. Even in the long-term relationships I have been in, I felt like something was missing from the relationships and decided to end the relationships so that I could have more independence and spend more time focusing on myself.

In contrast to attachment-system deactivation, people who have attachment-system hyperactivation have high attachment anxiety and often seek closeness to romantic partners but hold negative expectations of partners and think that their partners will not reciprocate their efforts.[2]  People with this attachment style are characterized by experiencing love as a form of obsession and constantly worry about rejection, abandonment, and disapproval. They also often experience jealousy, low trust, and can undermine relationships due to clinginess. People with this type of attachment style are also typically rated as less attractive by potential partners.[2]  One of the friends who I interviewed displayed this type of attachment style when she said:

“I feel like no matter how hard I try to make relationships work, the guys who I talk to don’t seem to put in the same effort. My most recent relationship ended because he said I was too clingy and didn’t trust him when he wanted to do his own thing.”

People with an anxious attachment style overall put in great effort to find relationship partners, but feel dejected and disappointed in the unavailability of a romantic relationship. These individuals will unintentionally undermine their relationships, but report more fear of being single.[2] 

It is also important to note that singlehood does not always reflect difficulties in relationships but may be a secure personal choice.[2]  Intentionally choosing to be single is associated with satisfaction, self-fulfillment, and personal autonomy. In comparison, being single, but not by choice, is associated with regret and dissatisfaction. Overall there is nothing wrong with being single and ultimately allows people to focus on school, careers, and self-care. However, research has found that being single does not negate the need for close relationships. It is still important to maintain close relationships with friends and family in order to experience fulfillment and satisfaction with being single.[2] 

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[1] Fishel, H. (n.d.). 7 Surprising College Dating Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/E6F6928C/7-Surprising-College-Dating-Statistics/

[2] Pepping, C. A., MacDonald, G. & Davis, P. J. (2018). Toward a psychology of singlehood: An attachment-theory perspective on long-term singlehood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 27(5). Retrieved from 10.1177/0963721417752106

Dating in the Age of Smartphones (by Merci Sugai)

Some of my favorite stories that my parents and grandparents have ever told me have revolved around their experiences with dating. It seems crazy to hear about waiting at your landline phone for your boyfriend to call you or sending handwritten love notes in the mail. The year 2019 has brought about new expectations from society and peers surrounding dating and the behaviors that should revolve around dating. Between dating apps and social media, 2019 has created everything from trust issues to new opportunities to meet  romantic partners.

I decided to ask both my Grandma and Mom about their experiences dating as a young adult in order to compare previous generations’ stories to the current trends of dating in 2019. I inquired about the ways they were asked on dates, how they communicated with their boyfriends, and simply what “normal” dating behaviors were in previous decades.

My Grandma is 81 years old and was married for 58 years before my Grandpa passed away two years ago. By the time she was my age, she was already married, so I asked about her experiences dating in high school. She laughed as she told me about writing boys names on her calendar, admitting that she usually had a different boy scheduled every weekend. She would go on dates to the drive-in or to the Friday night football games. She knew that there was no pressure to “go steady” with any of the boys that brought her out; all of her friends had similar expectations as well. However, when she reached 18 years old, her family and friends became much more serious about dating. Her friends began dating boys with a more serious intention, and she had her first steady boyfriend that she was expected to marry. Even though she didn’t meet my Grandpa until she was twenty, she mentioned that those two years of serious dating were not nearly as “exciting and fun” as her times as a 16-year-old where she got to date as many boys as she pleased.

My Mom, on the other hand, had a slightly altered experience from my Grandma. She felt no pressure to marry after high school and instead went to college to pursue higher education before marriage. Casual dating to her looked different from my Grandma’s. The boys she dated would still have to call her to schedule dates, but she would go on several dates with her suitors until she decided if she wanted to continue dating them or not. As she entered her mid-twenties, she met my Dad. As their relationship became more and more serious, she recalled the days of phone calls, letter writing, and meeting his family. There was no way to text him when she missed him, and he would often wait for days to call her. She also revealed that one of her serious partners cheated on her while she was at college and he was back home in high school; she really had no way to figure this out until word of mouth spread to her and her friends at college. She noted that there must be so much more pressure for people in 2019 to be constantly in contact with their significant others, as there is always a way to get in touch with your boyfriend or girlfriend under your fingertips.

Current research shows us that one of the main factors impacting most relationships isn’t family pressures or peer influence. Instead, social media impacts young adult dating and attachment with their partners¹. I’m sure many of you understand this concept, as our smart phones give us 24/7 access to social media accounts, texting, FaceTime, and more. Your partner’s entire life might be on his or her smartphone, leaving a lot of young adults curious about what their partner could be hiding from them. Both my Mom and Grandma mentioned that they couldn’t imagine dating someone in the day and age of smartphones, as people could have trust issues, check each other’s locations, and have virtually no reason to not see or respond to their partner’s texts, calls, or direct messages.

Could the reason that my Grandma felt no pressure to continue dating any boy be because she had no way to track his activity online or constantly text or Snapchat him? Do you think that not having access to social media profiles made it easier for my Mom to wait for days between phone calls from my Dad?

Research would say yes. Social media has been proven to negatively impact romantic partnerships for people with insecure attachment styles¹. If you identify as someone who might have an insecure attachment, you may be more prone to intrude on your partner’s smartphones to look at their direct messages or texts, ask your partner to share their location to your phone, or many other relatively invasive online behaviors¹. These behaviors would have been virtually impossible for a teenager in the 1980’s to enact on their partners; 2019 has brought about ways for attachment styles to impact almost every aspect of relationships.

Your attachment style might predict more than just how often you sneak a peek at your partner’s phone. It could also predict your relationship satisfaction in a modern technological society. A current study on college students in romantic relationships found that those with low attachment anxiety had the highest relationship satisfaction and checked their partner’s phone less than any other type of attachment style². Higher self-efficacy also led to more relationship confidence, therefore predicting greater relationship well-being².

All in all, dating trends have shifted from penciling in dates on your calendar, from waiting for weeks on end for phone calls, from downloading dating apps on smartphones, and from being able to read your partner’s online messages. Having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean that you are doomed to have a distrustful relationship; however, there are risk factors for typical “jealous” behaviors related to technology. To prevent these behaviors, research studies suggest²:

1. Having several conversations about open communication with your partner(s).
2. Practice asking instead of assuming.
3. Try journaling your jealous feelings to find common patterns or triggers for jealous behaviors to erupt.
4. Find activities that make you happy and content without your partner present. Incorporate those activities into a weekly routine.

Dating in 2019 might be significantly different from our parents or grandparents, but it is important to recognize how you can still develop healthy relationships even in the age of smartphones and technology. Practice open communication with your partner, inside and outside of technology. Thankfully, as we grow into an increasingly technological age, more and more research can affirm your feelings and emotions.

¹Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., & Safyer, P. (2015). Too close for comfort: Attachment insecurity and electronic intrusion in college students’ dating relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 50, 431-438.

²Weisskirch, R. S. (2017). Abilities in romantic relationships and well-being among emerging adults. Marriage & Family Review, 53(1), 36-47.

Unfaithful (by Lauren Fredeen)

For many young people, college is a time for identity exploration and thrill-seeking. But it can also be a time when people leave their moral compasses behind. We have all heard stories from friends or acquaintances of how so-and-so cheated on his girlfriend at a party, or how someone saw that girl kiss a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend. Unfortunately, one of the top reasons that college students break up is because of cheating.[1] With the large concentration of young students and increased opportunities to meet people, it is no wonder that cheating is so common in college.

When talking about cheating, it is important to have an idea of what constitutes “cheating.” One study asked older adolescents what they thought counted as cheating, and responses included dating or spending time (57%), having sexual intercourse (42%), engaging in other sexual interactions (e.g., flirting, kissing, necking, petting; 40%), keeping secrets (17%), and being emotionally involved (10%) with someone other than their partner.[2] More women thought of cheating as dating/spending time with someone else as well as keeping secrets, whereas more men identified sexual interactions as cheating.[2]

Interestingly, people often have different definitions of cheating based on attachment style. For example, those higher in attachment anxiety are more likely to perceive many kinds of behaviors as cheating, whereas individuals with avoidant attachment styles perceive less behaviors as cheating.[2]

Regardless of what you may consider as “cheating”, any form of being unfaithful often comes with an element of being dishonest or in-authentic. Authenticity and honesty promote positive relationship behaviors and relationship satisfaction, whereas defensiveness, dishonesty, and in-authenticity often undermine a partner’s trust, commitment, and relationship satisfaction. People often choose to be dishonest with themselves and others when they are trying to avoid a painful truth or due to social influence.[3]

The ability to remain true to oneself and be honest with our partners requires a lot of personal strength, psychological stability, and mindfulness which individuals develop through supportive relationships. Because of this, attachment plays a major role in people’s likelihood to cheat. Attachment insecurity, including insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant attachment styles, are associated with a stronger self-reported tendency to lie and to think that their partner is lying.[3]

There are also different motives for lying based on attachment style. An avoidant attachment style is often associated with lying to obtain feelings of power, whereas an anxious attachment style is associated with lying for some sort of achievement, perhaps within the relationship. Both types of insecure attachment are associated with lying for both altruistic and selfish reasons, as well as to comply with social norms and to protect the relationship. However, individuals with an insecure-avoidant attachment style are more likely to blame their partner for one’s own dishonesty.[3] I interviewed one friend who seems to have more of an avoidant attachment style and she said:

I wouldn’t necessarily consider it cheating, but I have had the tendency to flirt with other people while I’ve been in relationships. I think part of the reason is because I am scared of commitment, and when I have been extra flirty in the past, it was when my boyfriend did something wrong.”

In contrast to insecure attachment styles, individuals who have a secure attachment style have a reduced tendency to lie to one’s partner and are truer to oneself. Overall, studies have found that having a secure attachment style increases people’s willingness to be authentic, reduces their inclination to lie, and results in less cheating behaviors overall.[3]

College can be a time full of opportunities and temptations, yet it is important that we stay authentic to ourselves and be open with those we care about. Some ways to keep a happy relationship and avoid cheating include:

1. Communicate openly with your partner about what you need to feel fulfilled and be happy.
2. Encourage honesty within the relationship by using compassion and limited judgment.
3. Try not to let jealousy create distance within the relationship, but instead voice your concerns openly and non-attackingly.
4. Refrain from putting yourself in a situation in which there is a higher probability that cheating may occur.
5. Nurture the relationship by trying new hobbies with your loved one, and spending quality time with one another.[4]

Although there are ways to nurture healthy relationships and prevent the likelihood of cheating, it is important to understand that cheating can also sometimes be a way to end an unhealthy relationship. Trust is an essential part of having a happy and healthy relationship, and it is important that we connect ourselves with individuals whom we feel we can trust, and with whom we can be authentic and open with.

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[1] 7 Surprising College Dating Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/E6F6928C/7-Surprising-College-Dating-Statistics/

[2] Kruger, D. J., Fisher, M. L., Edelstein, R. S., Fitzgerald, C. J., & Strout, S. L. (2013). Was that cheating? Perceptions very by sex, attachment anxiety, and behavior. Evolutionary Psychology, 11(1). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/147470491301100115

[3] Gillath, O., Sesko, A. K., Shaver, P. R., Chun, D. S. (2010). Attachment, authenticity, and honesty: Dispositional and experimentally induced security can reduce self- and other-deception. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5). Retrieved from 10.1037/a0019206.

[4] Howard, J. (2014, June 19). 10 Ways to Prevent Cheating in Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-prevent-cheating-relationship.html

Casual Sex Among College-Aged Students (by Merci Sugai)

Before I was even enrolled at a university, I had heard countless stereotypes about college. My friends’ older siblings told us wide-eyed high schoolers about the crazy parties, casual sex, and freedom living on your own. We believed every word; we were so excited to not have a curfew and explore our independence during college. What is the truth behind hook-up culture in college? Is casual sex all that it’s made out to be in movies, TV shows, and from crazy stories told by older friends? After interviewing two individuals about casual sex in college and digging into current research, it became even more clear that casual sex is not all that our older friends described it to be; there is a wide variety of reasoning and motivations behind college students engaging in casual sex with others.

I chose to talk to two students: one who engages in casual sex and one who does not. The student who does not engage in casual sex listed a few reasons as to why she finds the culture harmful for students, especially young women.

“I personally want to engage in any sort of sexual behavior with someone that I really trust and love,” she explained. “I feel like as a heterosexual, college-aged woman, casual sex can really only lead to heartbreak.” She revealed that learning about the emotional attachment that women can associate with sex worried her about hooking up with someone that she did not truly care about. Hook-up culture also seemed dangerous to her, as casual sex could lead to sexually transmitted infections or unplanned pregnancy. Lastly, she noted that there is a stigma and double standard between men and women regarding casual sex. Women are often perceived as promiscuous and portrayed negatively, whereas men are praised for sexual endeavors, especially in college.

The student who chooses to participate in casual sex portrayed hook-up culture in a more empowering manner. She described her experiences with hook-ups in college as positive because she made the decision to engage in sexual behaviors with her partners and felt as though she had the freedom to do so. She mentioned that “casual sex is only harmful if two partners’ intentions do not match up”, one example being if one partner wants to pursue an exclusive relationship and the other does not. Because she uses open communication before and after casual sex, she said that the worries of casual sex usually do not cross her mind. She is not afraid to discuss STIs or using contraceptives, and she admitted that casual sex might not be as enjoyable without this aspect of open communication.

What does research tell us about casual sex? First, a study conducted with college students revealed that almost an exact number of men and women reported having casual sex in the past year¹. However, the study examined the factors that might go into a college hook-up including alcohol, attachment, emotional reactions, religiosity, and family environment¹. The study found that the majority of women in their study did not have a positive attitude about hooking up because of feeling let down or having too high of expectations, and many women expressed that their peers had negative attitudes towards women who were consistently having casual sex¹. Also, students who had an insecure attachment style often had fewer positive encounters with casual sex, as their emotional and security needs were not met by their partner¹. Men reported higher rates of positive psychological experiences, as well as students who had not considered peer stereotypes and negative emotions surrounding casual sex¹.

Another study indicated attachment styles are the most important aspect of a college hook-up; the psychosocial factors associated with casual sexual encounters were more obvious in those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles². Participants in the study who showed signs of insecure attachment displayed symptoms of distress and consumed higher amounts of alcohol before, during, and after hook-ups². However, the main conclusions around college hook-up culture were surrounding the commonality between college students. All college students have similar risk and protective factors surrounding hook-ups, between religiosity, alcohol, attachment style, and depressive symptoms².

All in all, choosing to participate in hook-up culture should be entirely based on individual decision. However, a person’s attachment style and risk and protective factors surrounding a sexual encounter can greatly impact a hook-up. College students are participating in casual sex, but the psychological impacts of casual sex vary based on attachment style and previous attitudes in sex. There is clearly no right or wrong way to engage (or not engage) in casual sex, proven by the research studies above. Casual sex may not be for everyone, but there is value in learning about the trends and educating yourself on the implications of casual sex, even if you are personally not engaging in it.

¹Owen, J., Rhoades, G., Stanley, S., and Fincham, F. (2010). “Hooking up” among college students: Demographic and psychosocial correlates. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 653-663.

²Manthos, M., Owen, J., and Fincham, F. D. (2014). A new perspective on hooking up among college students: Sexual behavior as a function of distinct groups. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 31(6), 815-829.

Letting Go (by Lauren Fredeen)

Break-ups are painful. One moment you have a partner who you can always depend on, who understands and loves you…and the next moment the person you were closest to becomes the farthest person from you. Break-ups can be so difficult that you can barely force yourself to get out of bed, socialize, or stop crying. You feel angry, sad, and alone.

Many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, as how you react to a break up is related to attachment. John Bowlby, a psychologist who did a great deal of work on attachment theory, developed an attachment-based process of grieving during break-ups.[1] Bowlby proposed that the reactions to the loss of an adult romantic partner parallel those of a child who experiences a loss of a primary attachment figure. The process that many adults go through when losing a romantic partner begins with protest. Behaviors in this phase include pleading, crying, anger, and feeling a sense of disbelief. Individuals then enter a state of despair when they realize their significant other will not return. This phase is characterized by feelings of depression, sadness, disorganization, and withdrawal. The final stage of this grieving process is characterized by recovery and a gradual renewal of interest in other activities and relationships.[1]

Although many people experience similar emotions when going through a break-up, everyone deals with the end of relationships differently. Not surprisingly, how you handle a break-up depends greatly on your attachment style. As mentioned in my previous blog, the main types of attachment styles include avoidant-insecure, anxious-insecure, and secure.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learn as a child that others are unable to satisfy their needs and will ignore their emotional pleas.[1] An individual going through a break up that has an avoidant attachment style usually expresses less emotional responses such as pleading or angry outbursts, as well as seek less social support. If this is your attachment style you most likely will engage in more emotional avoidance by avoiding your ex-partner and evading reminders that might activate attachment needs. You may also use self-reliant coping strategies instead of depending on friends and family for support. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may engage in activities such as drinking and taking drugs to cope during a break-up.[1]

Children develop anxious attachment styles when their attachment figures are inconsistently sensitive and available.[1] This causes these individuals to engage in erratic or threatening behaviors to get their caretakers’ attention. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with this attachment style often engage in aggressive or seductive behaviors to try and restore the lost relationship.[1]  Although these individuals are more likely to get back together with an ex-partner, they are also more likely to think negatively about their ex-partner and assign blame to the partner during a break-up.[1]  I interviewed a few friends who have gone through break-ups and one friend who has an anxious attachment style said:

“It was one of the worst pains I have felt. I was devastated and could not stop myself from always checking his social media or obsessing about where I might see him on campus. I’m over it now though because I know he’s not a good person and he was the reason the relationship didn’t work out.”

Children with a secure attachment style have attachment figures that act as a base of security and are able to express distress freely while accepting comfort from their caregivers[2]. This carries over into adult relationships and break-ups as individuals with a secure attachment feel less apprehension about seeing their ex-partner again, give less blame to the partner, are less likely to get back into the relationship, and may express readiness to start dating again sooner than others.[2] One of my friends who I interviewed displayed a more secure attachment style when she said:

“It was very difficult at the time of the break-up, but I have no hard feelings towards him and truly do want the best for him. It just didn’t work out between us and that’s okay. I now know that it was for the best because I am with someone who makes me even happier.”

Attachment style and the implications for break-ups are important when understanding relationships in college. If you break up with someone who attends the same school as you it is likely that you may see your ex-partner in common areas such as classes or the library which allows for opportunities to re-kindle relationships or bring back difficult memories and emotions.[2]

Break-ups can be incredibly painful and difficult, but there are ways to help you get through these tough times. Some positive ways to cope with break ups include:

1. Surrounding yourself with friends and family who can support you and remind you that you are lovable.
2. Journal about your emotions.
3. Get active.
4. Avoid doing things that make you feel worse, such as checking your ex’s social media.
5. Be kind to yourself and understand that it takes time to heal.[3] 

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[1] Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, Emotional, and Behavioral Reactions to Breaking Up: The Roles of Gender, Age, Emotional Involvement, and Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0146167203029007006

[2] Madey, S. F. (2012). Attachment style and dissolution of romantic relationships: Breaking up is hard to do, or is it? Individual Differences Research, 10(4). Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=cookie,ip,url,cpid&custid=s4640792&db=psyh&AN=2013-00688-004&site=ehost-live

[3] Mort, S. (2018, August 20). The very real pain of breakups. Why they hurt so much and what you can do about it. . Retrieved from https://drsoph.com/blog/2018/8/2/the-very-real-pain-of-breakups-why-they-hurt-so-badly-and-what-you-can-do-about-it

Long Distance Relationships: Can You Make it Work? (by Merci Sugai)

Entering a long-distance relationship as a young adult is both overwhelming and controversial. Adults, friends, and strangers give their unsolicited opinion, regardless of your individual situation and reasoning. Social media is covered with posts about successful long-distance relationships that seem picture perfect and fatal relationships that end in heartbreak or deception. Is there a right way to be in a long-distance relationship? How should we know that our long-distance relationship will be any different from the horror stories we hear online about cheating and infidelity? How do you know if you and your partner are mature enough to handle the benefits and drawbacks of a long-distance relationship?

Regardless of your opinion on long-distance, college students still continue to pursue these relationships, as 75% of college students report having a long-distance relationship sometime in their young adult life¹. Before we dive into the current research behind long-distance relationships, there is also an importance of hearing perspectives from our peers.

To begin, I interviewed a CSU student who has been in a long-distance relationship with her partner for four and half years. Her partner attends school in Texas, and they recently got engaged. Because this student has successfully managed a long-distance relationship in college, I inquired about the benefits and drawbacks of this dynamic for two college students. The most unique aspect of the interview was how confident this student was about her partner; she confided that she knew he was worth the distance from the beginning. Early on, the biggest challenge in their relationship was open communication, and she mentioned that coming to college pushed them to the point of almost breaking up. They eventually began realizing that the fights and struggles were worth it and made a point to Skype five nights per week to still be together while still respecting the other’s social life and weekend. She also mentioned the incredible benefits of long-distance in college. She has been able to grow as person and as an independent woman without the safety net of her partner, “growing as a whole person rather than two halves of a whole.” I loved hearing this sweet and thoughtful response to my questioning, as their relationship seems both secure and successful.

Next, I interviewed a CSU student whose long-distance relationship ended much differently than the previous story. She left for college and continued to date her partner from high school until halfway through her freshman year. Even though her relationship ended, she did admit that the best part of a long-distance relationship was being able to reunite with her partner and cherish the time that they did have together. In her opinion, the hardest part of long-distance was establishing boundaries for communication. She advised students who are thinking of long-distance to have a clear, mature, and open conversation before committing to long-distance. Because her relationship ended with infidelity, her opinions on long-distance were slightly more tentative.

Through both of these stories, we need to view a long-distance relationship (whether successful or unsuccessful) with an attachment lens. Long-distance relationships still need a secure base from their partner, even if their time together is limited¹. Additionally, serious long-distance relationships may benefit from counseling¹. Counselors can help partners develop a secure attachment by encouraging partners to disclose feelings, explain non-verbal cues, and to explicitly state what each person desires from the long-term relationship.

But, if you cannot imagine sitting through couples counseling with your college-aged significant other, or it is just not feasible, don’t fret. Security needs can be met through eye contact, body language, and expressions when the partners are reunited after long periods spent apart². If a couple simply cannot maintain geographical closeness, these attachment needs could also be met through communication such as calling, video-calling, letters, or pictures². Secure attachment can be attained if couples are consistently working towards and recognizing these priorities². All in all, there will never be a right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship, but most importantly, the romantic partners need to feel as though their needs are met.

 ¹Roberts, A. & Pistole, M. C. (2009). Long-distance and proximal romantic relationship satisfaction: Attachment and closeness predictors. Journal of College Counseling, 12(1), 5-17.

 ²Pistole, M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(2). 

Bye Bye Blues (by Lauren Fredeen)

Bye Bye Blues

Can you imagine being absolutely head over heels for someone and then watching them leave for weeks,  months, or even years before you get the chance to see them again? Some of you might be able to imagine this situation perfectly, because it is all too real for many of us. In fact, 25 to 50% of college students are in a long-distance relationship at any given time, and 75% of college students have been in a long-distance relationship at some point.[1]

Those of you that have been in a long-distance relationship know that it’s not the easiest thing to do! Attachment plays a huge role in relationships and refers to the strong emotional bonding and feelings of security that you feel with a romantic partner. To maintain this sense of security, couples often strive to maintain a close proximity to one another.[2] When this proximity is difficult to have in long-distance relationships, feelings of anxiety and loneliness are very common responses.[2]

Your attachment style can tell a lot about how you might handle a long-distance relationship. The three main types of attachment styles include anxious-insecure, avoidant-insecure, and secure.[3] Individuals who have an anxious-insecure attachment style depend on their partners to “complete them” and are often afraid of being alone. This causes these individuals to often become clingy, demanding or possessive towards their partners. Individuals with this type of attachment may engage in continual monitoring and worrying about what their partner is doing and these behaviors can become even more pronounced in a long-distance relationship.[3]

“I decided to come to CSU to stay in the same state as my girlfriend and went home every weekend freshman year to visit her. The moment I went to one party she told me that she couldn’t trust me. I couldn’t tell her about any of my friends that were girls.”

Individuals with an avoidant-insecure attachment style are afraid of being both too close or too distant from their partners.[3] This can be difficult in a long-distance relationship as they may engage in less communication and coping strategies with their partners. If you fall into the avoidant attachment style, chances are you will miss your partner when they are away, but when they return you may feel smothered.[4]

The avoidant-insecure attachment style is what I identify with most strongly and I have seen this play a role in many of my relationships. Although I have a strong desire to be with someone, when I have the opportunity to become connected with someone, I often pull back. I dated someone for two years during my senior year in high school and freshman year in college. During the year when I was in college and we were dating long-distance, I constantly felt myself pulling back and feeling “trapped” when we came back together.

The last main type of attachment style is secure. Individuals with a secure attachment are generally more trusting of their partners and are comfortable being honest, intimate, and supportive.[3] When people with a secure attachment are in a long-distance relationship they are more likely to use what researchers call “maintenance behaviors.” These behaviors include providing assurance of love, openness about their feelings, conflict management, positivity, and pleasant interactions.[2]

“Long-distance relationships don’t suck. I think it’s healthy to be able to be independent and not see your partner every day. Even though it was difficult at times, we were still able to have a happy and healthy relationship.”

Ideally, having a secure attachment results in having the most successful and happy long-distance relationship. But, this is not to say that if you feel like you have a more insecure attachment style that your relationship won’t be successful. Some ways you can ensure that your long-distance relationship stays happy and healthy include:

1. Improving and increasing your communication (technology is a great way to do this!)
2. Reserving the time that you do have together for memorable and meaningful activities.
3. Provide reassurance to your partner.
4. Reframe the situation as a positive – and believe in it.[2]

Despite the distance, long-distance relationships among college students are actually more stable than proximal relationships! That shows that long-distance relationships can be successful and it’s just a matter of figuring out what works best for you and your partner.

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[1] Long Distance Relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://behrend.psu.edu/student-life/student-services/personal-counseling/student-resources/long-distance-relationships

[2] Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4). Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407510363427

[3] Dodgson, L. (2018, June 13). These are the 3 types of attachment styles - and how each affects your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.thisisinsider.com/the-3-different-attachment-styles-2018-6

[4] Avoidant Attachment: The Advanced Guide. (2019, March 01). Retrieved from https://www.depressionalliance.org/avoidant-attachment/