When You Can't Stop Scrolling

As members of the social media age, we have experienced firsthand how social media and technology can affect our relationships. Whether we can’t put the phone down ourselves or we are frustrated that our partner is so consumed with their own phone that they can’t pay attention to us, the use of social media may say more about our relationships than we may think.  

As users of social media, we often use this platform to broadcast our relationships or use it as a way to maintain social relationships. Social networking sites tend to showcase the best aspects of our lives; however, the usage may have implications on our current and future romantic relationships.  Relationships used to be developed through face-to-face interactions, but now social media competes in relationship formation and maintenance.

Becoming “Facebook official” as a couple is a relatively new concept that may place one or both partners in a state of stress or anxiety.  One partner may feel anxious about publicizing their relationship , while the other may feel that it’s necessary in order to feel secure in the new relationship². Here’s a thought from a friend of mine who recently started dating her partner:

“It’s just really frustrating. I love social media, but my partner is totally against it. I feel like he’s always nagging on me to get off my phone, but I just want to feel connected to those around me. I just enjoy posting pictures of us together, but he doesn’t seem to get it.”

The motives behind this may be a result of different attachment styles in romantic relationships.  Those of us with more avoidant attachments have more fears of closeness and intimacy. On the other hand, those of us with a more anxious attachment may fall in love quickly, but constantly worry that our partner does not feel the same².  So what role does this play on social media sites?

Researchers have found that sites such as Facebook may contribute to jealousy and conflict among young couples¹.  The jealousy often stems from hypothetical thoughts of a person picturing their partner with someone else. Although everyone can experience jealousy, it is more common (and perhaps stronger) for those of us with a more anxious attachment style, who might be more hypervigilant to what our partner’s post or how they respond to ours and others’ posts.

Perhaps spurred by jealousy, reports of digital dating abuse (or even just electronic invasions of partner privacy) have begun to rise.  For example, we might be tempted to monitor one another’s activities, locations, friends, likes, and relationship status and related posts.  The most common of these behaviors involves invading privacy of the other partner’s account and using social media to locate their partner. This was found in 75% of college couples¹.

           

“I often see pictures my significant other liked and the times at which he was active, leading us into an argument about why he didn’t like my posts or respond to a text from me when I can clearly see he was active on social media. Social media is just another medium through which we can question our relationships and breed distrust with our romantic partners.”

But what does that leave for those of us that avoid social media all together? Those who do not engage in social media use or are fearful of broadcasting their relationship to all of their online friends, may might have higher attachment avoidance.  Of course this is not true of all people, some may still be living in the freedom of only experiencing face-to-face interaction and be securely attached in their relationships.

Social media may additionally contribute to decreased self-image and confidence in a dating relationship due to increased social comparison.  The amount of time we spend on Facebook has been negatively correlated with self-esteem and an increased frequency of posting self-promotional photos.  Receiving “likes” is our attempt to counteract the negativity felt after scrolling through social media. One person I talked with said:

“Using social media also leads to comparing your relationship with the seemingly perfect relationships online and becoming discouraged. It is important to keep in mind that you are comparing your behind-the-scenes fights, rough days, and harsh realities with some other couple’s photo shopped highlight reel that they post on social media.”

So is social media bad? Not necessarily. While these symptoms may account for what some of us are feeling, social media is a powerful means of connecting people and sharing the joys of our romances. So next time you go to post on facebook, check your snapchat, or maybe even peek at your partner’s phone, reflect on what emotions are fueling your social media activity.  More importantly, keep in mind: face-to-face connection with your partner may be a good step in the right direction.

¹Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., & Safyer, P. (2015). Too close for comfort: Attachment insecurity and electronic intrusion in college students’ dating relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 50, 431–438. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2015.03.050

²Sherrell, R. S., & Lambie, G. W. (2018). The contribution of attachment and social media practices to relationship development. Journal of Counseling & Development, 96(3), 303–315. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/jcad.12204