Saying goodbye to someone we love is never easy, especially if
it’s our partner or spouse. More and more people are involved in
long-distance relationships and many of us have experienced this challenging
separation first hand. We have waited to see our partner for so long and
only get to see them for a short time before they are off again. These feelings of separation protest3 or not wanting to let our partner go after we see them are a very normal experience.
Luckily, long-distance relationships can be just as satisfying and stable as relationships with those who are in close proximity3. There are many new ways to maintain feelings of closeness or proximity without being physically near our partner. While physical closeness is still a desire of most of us in these relationships, the ability to contact our partner through technology has greatly advanced. In addition, there are ways to feel psychologically close through replaying of memories or looking at pictures. This is a useful tool to use during time of separation, but does not necessarily replace the feeling of being face to face with our partner.
But there are differences in how attachment is experienced in close and long-distance relationships. For those of us who have been in a long-distance relationship, we have experienced the vicious reunion-separation cycle time and time again. The goodbyes cause us to experience distress that may target the attachment system. Those we love make us feel safe and being separated from them may leave us feeling anxious2.
For those of us in long-distance relationships, we rely heavily on the reunion experience after a long time away from our partner. This style of relationship can leave us feeling lonely or lost at time, but that does not necessarily predict a secure attachment1. In long-distance relationships it is very common for us to feel decreased relationship satisfaction following two weeks of our partner departing, or even less1.
In certain circumstances, such as military relationships, this cycle may be experienced differently due to the additional risks that armed forces face when they travel overseas. These couples often face uncertainty of whether or not their spouse is okay or if they will return home. This is often reflected in non-deployed spouse’s attachment and reaction to their partner being deployed.
Based on the dangers of the military, many wives of deployed spouses reported avoidance behaviors while their partner was deployed1. In addition, reports of anxious thoughts were described in the last few weeks awaiting their spouse’s arrival back home. A unique aspect of this was those who experience avoidance and anxiety while their spouse or partner is deployed, was that positive, secure attachment was restored upon their spouses return3. However, the reunion does not always produce immediate relationship harmony. It may take time for the relationship to return to its previous status. This shows that though feelings fluctuate while our partner is away, it is still possible to maintain a secure attachment and a healthy relationship across far distances.
Signs that signal that we are in a healthy long-distance relationship may be an increase in “we-ness.” The greater sense of couple hood we have with our far away partner or spouse may result in a shared identity, leading to a greater sense of security2.
Long-distance relationships aren’t for all of us, but for those of us who are foraging the way and driving (or flying) to see our partner, it is important to keep in mind that all types of relationships can be successful. It’s never easy to let our partner go, but the joy of the reunion that is to come, may be worth the wait.
1Borelli,
J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Snavely, J. E., McMakin, D. L., Coffey, J. K., Ruiz, S.
K., … Chung, S. Y. (2014). With or without you: Preliminary evidence that
attachment avoidance predicts nondeployed spouses’ reactions to relationship
challenges during deployment.
Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45(6), 478–487. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0037780.supp
2Borelli,
J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Randall, A. K., Snavely, J. E., St. John, H. K., &
Ruiz, S. K. (2013). Linguistic indicators of wives’ attachment security and
communal orientation during military deployment. Family Process, 52(3), 535–554. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/famp.12031
3Pistole,
M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical
perspective. Journal of Marital and
Family Therapy, 36(2), 115–125. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2009.00169.x
Long distance is definitely a topic I can speak to. I was in a long distance relationship for over two years before moving into close proximity and I can honestly say it was the time of my relationship that I was happiest in and it was the most successful during that time of distance. I felt that the level of communication in our time apart from each other was at a level that was absolutely necessary for success. However, when the proximity changed so did our communication. Almost as if we used the excuse of being close or seeing each other more as a reason not to keep that line of communication open. The relationship inevitably failed after 3 and a half years and I still hold on to the idea that we had a more successful relationship being long distance. Currently, I am now seeing someone in the military and I feel that my attachment can remain secure regardless of a previously failed relationship because I feel that I know what is needed to make long distance successful as well as, what is needed when that proximity changes.
ReplyDeleteThis is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I am currently in a long distance relationship with my best friend of nearly 21 years. We've only been doing long distance for a year and a half, but our friendship has been long distance for about ten years. When we first started out as long distance, I thought it would be difficult at first and get easier. After all, we had maintained a friendship for ten years by being long distance, but it is so much more difficult to be in a romantic relationship and long distance versus just a friendship. I have found that as the months have gone by, it has gotten increasingly difficult. Currently, I have not seen my boyfriend for the past four months. I will finally be able to see him in January and that is so exciting, but it has been anything but easy. I can agree that it has put out relationship to the test and we have worked to improve our communication a great deal. It has also allowed me to be more present in school and with family and friends, instead of being all wrapped up in a boyfriend. However, a relationship is so much more than talking. I wish we could go to the movies together, celebrate the holidays together, or simply just be in the same room. It has made me more avoidant for sure because thinking about it has become too painful and I turn to ignoring and avoiding anything vulnerable. Whereas, my boyfriend has grown more anxious. I know that anxious and avoidant do not work well together. For now, we will just have to take it day by day and be thankful for technology.
ReplyDeleteLong distant relationships are something that I have personally experienced at two different times in my life. The first long distance relationship I was in turned into an insecure and avoidant attachment with one another where communication was lacking. After that relationship ended, I realized mistakes of communication on both sides that could have been avoided. My second long distance relationship, my boyfriend was in the military. He and I had to learn communication skills that kept us close when he was deployed and we had to learn how to make the best of our time together. Now, with my boyfriend out of the military, he only lives an hour away so while we are still in a long distance relationship technically, we are able to see each other more often but we still have to keep communication up to sustain our relationship. I defiantly agree that long distance relationships can sometimes bring out the worst in people but I also believe it can bring out the best communication skills in people and those skills need to be worked on like every relationship that isn't long distance. I believe that long distance relationships at their core, really aren't all that different than typical relationships because that connection still needs to be fostered and developed consistently over time.
ReplyDeleteLong distance is such a relevant topic among college couples. I have experienced this first hand, and can definitely relate very closely to this post. My boyfriend and I actually started dating as a long distance couple. He was traveling abroad and was in South Africa for four months, and in South America for 3 months. During that year I saw him three times. It was always really difficult leaving each other, and we both would often think about the next time we see each other and plan fun things to do together when the time came, which helped a lot. I'd also say one other thing that helped us is technology advancement, as mentioned above. We would facetime each other every week, and check in on one another's lives. We kept each other informed the entire time, so when we talked it felt more so like we were hanging out rather than filling each other in. Our long distance relationship also built up a lot of trust, as well as appreciation for one another. When we would see each other, no time was taken for granted, and we spent every moment together happily. Our foundation of trust is built upon that year abroad, and we often refer back to it in our current relationship when we are having doubts and/or issues. I can say that in my opinion, long distance relationships are more difficult, but worth it if you are sure you are with the person you truly want to be with.
ReplyDeleteI personally have never had a long-distance relationship and I honestly don't think I could. I say this because I feel like I would get very lonely and be sad more than happy, but I also know and have many friends who are in a long-distance relationship and they are very happy with it. In their circumstance their partner is in some sort involved with the military, therefore they don't really have a choice to be person to person and will take the time they do and cherish that. I personally like to spend a lot of time with my partner and would hate if we had to separate. If I was with someone for a long time and a long-distance relationship needed to happen I probably could do it with already being together so long but starting a relationship I probably couldn’t, but you never know till you try it.
ReplyDeleteLong distance relationships can definitely be tricky. I know that many of my friends have tried it and I have tried it as well. I noticed that depending on what kind of personality and needs the person has needs to be considered. Also, another thing I found was trust is key to long distance relationships. When individuals in the relationship are very jealous, it makes it hard to have a healthy long-distance relationship. One or both of the partners are constantly worrying and anxious about the relationship. Within your writing you said that long distance relationships are not for everyone but it was nice to see how people do make their relationships work out even when they are not in close proximity to one another.
ReplyDeleteLong distance relationships are definitely not for everyone, but it is nice to see that in some cases they end up working out. I would like to think that my boyfriend and I are a success story regarding long distance relationships. We began dating in high school, when he graduated he moved to Fort Collins for schools and I was still finishing high school. We made it work, and were able to see other nearly every weekend. When I graduated high school was when it became harder. i decided to go out of state for college and it was really hard for both of us. Even though I was 600 miles away, we always found a way to make it work. Having technology and more ways to communicate definitely helped us make it through that year when I was out of state. I eventually transferred back to Colorado for school, but it was not revolved around my boyfriend. It's been hard at times, but the time that we do get to spend together is that much more special. It may sound cliche but I truly believe that being long distance for so long has made us stronger as individuals and as a couple. We have been able to grow up, mature, and find what we want out of life for ourselves, as well as what we want for each other. I am a firm believer in the idea that is people want it to work out then they will find a way to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI feel like in today's age, long distance is becoming more popular with more technology to be able to communicate long distance. I can relate to this post in a lot of ways. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for almost 2.5 years now. We met in high school then I went to college in Colorado while he went to school where we are from in Michigan. We try to see each other at least once every 2 months or as often as we can. Even though we have different difficulties than other couples, I feel like we have been able to keep a secure attachment because of technology like Facetime and text messages. The experience of seeing my boyfriend for the first time in months is something that is very special to both of us. We are able to fully appreciate one another because we know what it is like to not be with one another. Even though long distance can be very difficult, we make it work everyday and know it is worth it in the long run of our relationship.
ReplyDeleteI found this post really interesting. My attention was caught by the title because I am about to go abroad so my boyfriend and I are about to do distance for 6 months. This differs a little bit from your article because the distance that I will be doing won't be off and on distance of seeing each other and then having to say goodbye again. We will say goodbye in January and then be together in the same proximity once again in July. I do think that long distance relationships are becoming more popular because of our access to technology. I have also heard of all of the benefits of being able to do long distance as a couple while dating. I have heard that it helps a ton with communication skills and the distance makes the heart grow fonder idea. My best friend has been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. I do agree that long distance couples can still maintain a secure attachment with one another.
ReplyDeleteWhen my partner and I were long-distance, it was very difficult for us. As the main post points out, our attachment styles played a big part in how we fared during our time apart. In the beginning, I was a very avoidant person and she was a very anxious person. Although we talked every day and tried to work through our insecurities, we determined that it was lack of physical closeness that was the problem. As an anxious person, she would constantly worry about me cheating on her and would want to talk to me for longer periods of time on the phone. As an avoidant person, I often became overwhelmed with the frequent requests to talk and the topic of her moving her that I would shut down and not communicate as well. During our next in-person visit we had a long talk about we wanted from the relationship and what we were both insecure about. We decided to live in the same townhouse (in different bedrooms) to be closer to satisfy her need for physical proximity while giving us the space and time to maintain our independence and make decisions that weren't entirely contingent on us living together. It was the best decision that we have ever made.
ReplyDeleteThis blogpost touches me personally as I am in a relationship where we used to see each other often and now we do not have the opportunity to do so. I often compare my relationship with my friend who is in a relationship with someone in the Navy and re-center myself to realize that at least I am able to see my partner who is not overseas. I reflect on how I cope with the long-distance and feel that when we create a sense of “we-ness” and shared identity, it builds more trust within each other. For example, when we are able to talk on the phone, we find commonalities between what we did throughout the day and talk about our past and future plans. It is reassuring and the blogpost demonstrates the successes and the resilience that can grow from these relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting post to read. I personally haven't been in a long distance relationship but have had friends and relatives who have been.Freshman year I did a survey that asked if I think long distance relationships would last and what factors can contribute to the separation I recall that I said that the relationship wouldn't last long because you don't see that person as often to really form that attachment and the schedule conflict to see each other.But know I think that it depends on the couple and how they work their long distance relationship. Like the post mention know with technology long distance couples have the opportunity to see each other more often through face time, calls, messages, and emails. The dynamic of the relationship might change with the distance but the relationship can work. Overall, the post was very informative about long distance relationships.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that drew me to this post was the title of it. Personally, I have been in a long distance relationship once, which ended horribly with my ex-boyfriend. Since then I did not believe I could ever be in one again. However, within this past year I met my current boyfriend and oddly enough he attends CU Boulder. Though this isn’t really much of a “distance” to some people, my views on long distance are a bit better now. It’s relaxing to know that I get some space and time to myself and for my friends without it being seen as me choosing one over the other. I do think that long distance relationships are becoming a bit easier and a lot more popular because of our access to technology. I have also heard of all of the benefits of being able to do long distance as a couple while dating, like communication skills, trust, and time management. I also hear the saying that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have recently been a bit more interested in long distance relationships because my current boyfriend right now is set to ship off to the Navy after college. That’s when I feel like it’ll be a bit harder on my end, however, I feel as though I am getting somewhat of a bit experience right now. It is reassuring to me that this blog post demonstrates the successes as well as the resilience that grows from long distance relationships.
ReplyDeleteI do not have any personal experience with long-distance relationships, but I have seen a long-distance relationship destroy one of my roommates. They had been trying long distance since she came to college 2 and a half years ago and they had been dating for 2 years while she was in high school. They both had committed to long distance, but it was brutal for their relationship. He would visit and I could definitely see the sweet reunions, but time away was really hard for my roommate. They would go periods of time without talking and he would not make an effort to talk with her while away and the trust was not their when they were both away from each other. They broke up and I have never seen my roommate so happy. She no longer has to stress about a relationship that is so far away. I believe that long-distance relationships can work for some people, but for my roommate and her boyfriend, it was really difficult for them.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I never had to endure the struggle of saying goodbye to a significant other in the armed forces, my aunt struggle immensely when my cousin (her son) left for the Marines. While this is not a relationship with a significant other, the pain of distance between a loving son and mother was excruciating to watch. She was never very avoidant but was extremely anxious for him to graduate boot camp. She never missed a day of sending him letters, and she longed for a phone call just to hear his voice and be sure he was okay. While my cousin and aunt had not been away from each other for practically 18 years (she was a single mother), this separation was filled with feelings of anxiety and pride. They had a very secure relationship, and as soon as he hugged her at boot camp, their relationship only grew from this experience. I have been in a long-distance relationship when I transitioned form high school to college, and every time I sat looking out the airplane window after saying goodbye, I instantly thought about our next hello rather than this goodbye. I anxiously awaited each and every moment we were reunited. However, the long periods of time away, I did notice I became avoidant. I texted him less frequently, pushed away emotions out of fear of damaging myself and our relationship, and sometimes went days without talking to him. While technology helped foster our relationship, it still was not the same as being physically present. I feel our relationship most likely would have been much stronger if the relationship was not long-distant; however, I have seen many of my friend’s relationship thrive despite the distance between them. In fact, some of my friends like the thrill and immense love that is fostered from long-distance relationships. I feel it strongly depends on the individuals and if they have had past secure attachments that help them handle long-distance relationships during adulthood.
ReplyDeleteThe famous quote "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" can be true in several relationships that are trying to make long distance work. There can be several advantages and disadvantages correlating with long distance. Personally, I have never been in a long distance relationship and have a massive amount of respect for those who make it work. Some advantages that I can think of is a higher level of maturity, sense of independence, and easier communication due to technology. Those in long distance relationships always seem to figure things out in an adult manner, I also think it's healthy in relationships to have your own lives (hobbies, friends, social events) and long distance relationships almost force it to happen. Technology over the years has also made long distance relationships better and have allowed for couples to stay in touch easily throughout the day. Some disadvantages could be that communication in general is harder, more room for partners to be unfaithful, and relative intimacy is decreased because of the less physical encounters that occur.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I have been in a long-distance relationship, and it was not my favorite thing. Although I thought that I loved the kid, looking back I am not sure why I spent so much time talking to a guy over FaceTime who I did not even think I was going to marry. Although I have learned a lot, I do not think that I would do it again unless I truly thought that I was going to marry him. I also see this taking place with my friends who are going to start a long-distance relationship over the summer. It is encouraging, for them, to hear that long-distance relationships can be just as satisfying.
ReplyDeleteWith this blog post, it talks about the hardships partners face when they are in a long distance relationship. These feelings are especially difficult as we maintain feelings of proximity without being physically near one another. In these types of relationships, this can be extremely difficult, as you watch other couples around you grow and flourish, however, your partner is miles and miles away. This unfortunately hits home for me as my boyfriend is currently at Oklahoma Law school while I finish up my last year at Colorado State University, CSU. Our relationship has grown stronger and we have learned to communicate better now that we are forced to be away from each other.
ReplyDeleteI am currently in a long-distance relationship, and I really connected with this blog post. I also think it's interesting how feelings can change when being away from your partner for a specific amount of time yet there were union of me, and my boyfriend is always really great. It seems as if sometimes the first day is a little bit awkward but after a day or so everything kind of goes back to normal. I think it's really interesting how you can feel really disconnected with your partner even when you're in person yes sometimes when you are apart you feel more connected. I think it's hard to go from not seeing someone for a few months to seeing them nonstop for a week or more because both people have got used to their own routines without their significant other that when their significant other returns they don't know how to include them back into their life in an efficient way which I feel like a lot of people struggle with regardless if it's just a long distance relationship or if it's a military based relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Jordan!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog post especially interesting because I can relate to it. I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 10 months now. I agree with your comment about technology making LDRs easier, though LDRs can still be difficult. I recently did a debate powerpoint on how technology can help relationships and one of my key points was about LDRs and the positive impact that technology can have on them. I also really resonated with your comments about how hard the cycle of waiting to see your partner again is, just to only see them for a short time and having to say goodbye again. One thing that has helped my boyfriend and I with that cycle is having a date picked out of when we'll see each other again, or at least an idea of when. That has really made saying goodbye a little bit easier. I don't think either of us really have anxious attachment styles so it might differ between couples depending on attachment style.
Hello, long distance relationships is such an interesting topic that I don't necessarily hear about all that often anymore, likely because of the advancements of technology. I have some experience with being in a long distance relationship, only for a couple months. Even though my partner and I communicated everyday via text message, it was still difficult being apart. We both have two different attachment styles, mine being the avoidant one. Because of this, I would sometimes have difficulty responding to or communicating with my partner, which has led to many conflicts that we were able to resolve later on. I can't imagine how long distance relationships were like back when communicative technology wasn't a thing, I would think all people would have to keep a relationship alive is trust and lots of patience. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Jordan! Thank you for writing such an informative post. I have been in long-distance relationships before and given my anxious attachment style, I am no stranger to feeling hopeless or upset in these types of situations. I think long-distance relationships have been easier now, however, with the rise of technology and ways to connect on a virtual platform. In times when I have been in a long-distance relationship, to help my anxious attachment I would rely upon facetime calls and online movie nights to ease my worries about the person I was dating at the time. I definitely think long-distance depends upon the distance and the person you are dating as well. Great post!
ReplyDeleteHello Jordan,
ReplyDeleteThe research presented in your blog post makes me feel very uplifted and excited for those who are in long-distance relationships. Every couple goes through hardships, and those who are apart from each other experience different challenges. It is exciting to hear that those with anxious or avoidant feelings while their partner is away can return to a secure attachment upon reunion. I was in a long-distance relationship for my freshman year of college, and although I do not regret it, I really do not ever want to do it again if I can help it. It affected me in a very negative way, and it was really disappointing to see how much I lost myself in my partner. I was extremely codependent, to the point where it was unhealthy. Overall, if I am to ever be in a long-distance relationship again, there would need to be a lot of changes within myself for it to work well.
Hi Jordan,
ReplyDeleteThis post caught my eye because in a couple months I am leaving to study abroad, which will cause my relationship to become long-distance. I am quite nervous about this because it will change my relationship so much. It is made more nervewracking for me because I will not have much service at all where I am going which will obviously make it harder for us to communicate. Even now when I am away from my partner for an amount of time I get nervous, second guess things, and feel less close to them, so being way for months will definitely be difficult. I like the idea in this post about using memories and pictures to feel close to a partner even when they are not physically present. Even thought I have not left yet, I am already looking forward to the reunion.
Long-distance relationships certainly aren’t for everybody but it is nice to hear that they can be successful. Even though I had not heard of the term ‘separation protest’ before reading this blog post, I must admit that I have been feeling quite a bit of it lately. My partner is hell-bent on going to grad school but the thought of moving makes me anxious and sad. I am graduating a semester late so there is a disconnect between when he needs to start grad school and when I will graduate so we have been talking about doing long-distance during my final and his first semester. Hopefully, everything will work out fine.
ReplyDeleteLong distance relationships are definitely difficult to navigate and I have experienced this first hand. For three out of four years of my relationship we did long distance, the first year being in close proximity, however I just recently broke up with my partner. Personally, I knew that our long distance relationship could be just as successful as one that was close proximity, but my partner felt differently, leading him to not always treat me the best. I found it interesting that it is common for a partner to experience decreased satisfaction in a relationship the two weeks following a departure. This stood out to me because every time my ex-partner and I reunited it felt so amazing, but following the departure my partner would always start a fight; now it makes sense to me why this continued to happen. I was always securely attached to my partner, however I do think he had an anxious attachment to me, which most likely was the reason he struggled so much with long-distance and I did not. I really enjoyed and connected to this blog post and appreciate hearing that many long distance relationships can be successful and also why they are sometimes not successful.
ReplyDeleteI connect with this blog post because I am in a long-distance myself and can understand the difficulty of this type of relationship. We rely a lot on communication and making sure we are both on the same page when speaking about parties or friends. I think that communication is necessary to create a bond with the other person and create a gap in trust with one another. We have also learned how to Facetime and call one another whenever we get a chance because it helps create more closeness between each other. Even though long-distance relationships are very hard and time-consuming to figure out if you are with a person that you can trust and have a secure attachment it is worth doing. Overall I understood this blog post at a personal level and enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDelete• It is typically said that long distance relationships are less secure and stable than those who are close to each other. I think that there is some truth to that but like you mentioned with advanced technology you can stay in contact with them daily. While I personally have not been in a long distance romantic relationship, I have been in long distance friendships especially since starting college. The reunions are so exciting but can also be challenging when you do say bye again not knowing when you will be reunited next. It was mentioned that spouses of military reported avoidance behaviors after the spouse was deployed, yet it is not mentioned how the spouse that was deployed reacts. Is there research on how the deployment impacts both parties of the relationship?
ReplyDelete