Cheating

It’s something we all dread—some more than others—and the fear of being cheated on can keep us from fully opening up in relationships. It is a fear that is, quite unfortunately, founded in logic, as over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extramarital sex over the course of their marriage⁴.

But what about dating couples? Well, one’s behavior in dating relationships can, unsurprisingly, predict their behaviors in marriages.

The likelihood that a person will cheat on their partner is, like so many other things, related to our attachment styles, or the idea that our childhood experiences with caregivers shape our future behavior and expectations for our romantic relationships. And unfortunately, there is more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached, whether married or dating, as we are more likely to cheat on our partners than those of us who are securely attached⁴.

Anxiously attached individuals are more likely to seek intimacy with another partner through infidelity if they feel that their needs for intimacy are not being met, whereas those of us, like myself, who are avoidantly-attached are more likely to be chronically less committed to our relationships, and possess more sexually permissive attitudes⁴.

I know what you’re all thinking: it’s just more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached. But, there is hope. As we’ve talked about on this blog before, there are steps that you can take to become more securely attached to your partners, and improve relationship satisfaction, which would effectively work to prevent infidelity and strengthen your relationship, which you can read about here.

These steps can be taken as preventative measures before infidelity occurs, but they can also be taken after learning about an affair; and an astounding 60-75% of married couples stay married after learning of one partner’s affair¹.

Whether a couple stays together after an affair has a lot to do with their level of commitment and their willingness to work on the relationship, and this is true whether a couple is married or if they are dating⁴.

I know how challenging it can be to trust someone and be willing to be vulnerable when the threat of cheating and the fear of betrayal remains. And although I haven’t been cheated on, I’ve seen the effects first hand.

When I was in middle school, my mom found out that my father had been having a secret affair for years, and was leaving her for another woman. The whole family was shocked as he filed for divorce and left, and my mom and I were left behind to pick up the pieces of our family.

So it comes as no surprise to me that partners who are cheated on often experience symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder².

I asked one friend who was cheated on what it was like for her, and she described it as a truly traumatic experience:

“It was so much worse for me than a regular breakup. I’ve been dumped before, but being cheated on made me doubt myself and feel worthless. I was angry and depressed, and it took years before I could look back with clarity and see that it wasn’t a reflection of me or my worth as a partner.”

As traumatic as being cheated on can be, there is hope for individuals and for couples. My own childhood experiences and watching my parents split up have had a lot to do with why I am more insecurely attached and shy away from emotional intimacy. I’ve seen the pain that can result from trusting someone too much, and it can be terrifying.

But, again, there is hope for all of us. And while I still tend towards insecure attachment, I have happily been with my partner for nearly two years, and we are quite securely attached. It has taken a lot of work on both of our ends, and will likely take more work as time goes on. But, by working to become securely attached in our romantic relationships we can all work to improve relationship satisfaction and prevent infidelity, since couples who are securely attached are significantly less likely to cheat on their partners⁴.

And, again, there is hope for couples that have already experienced infidelity as well, if both partners are willing to work at it. Therapy can be very effective, and some couples even report closer marital relationships following an affair and therapy³.

While the thought of being cheated on can be a terrifying and intrusive thought that can prevent us from opening up, it doesn’t have to be. So often affairs are a result of underlying problems related to attachment insecurity, and this can be improved over time.

In the case of my own parents, they had their fair share of other problems, and the affair was just the precipitating factor for their divorce. To be honest, they’re both far happier now than when they were together.

For others, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness. There’s hope for preventing affairs, and hope for healing after them. For those of us who are anxiously attached: slow down, relax, and trust in your partner before jumping to conclusions or doing something you’ll regret. For those of us who are avoidantly attached, take a chance on your partner and try opening up—they might just surprise you.

 ¹Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A

clinician's guide. New York: Guilford Press.

²Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review.

Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217-233. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01556.x

³Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00722.x

⁴Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in

marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family

Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0032118