Commitment Issues

Here we are friends, the end of this blog series.  It has been a fun ride, and I myself have learned so much from both writing this blog and reading your comments.  Thank you so much for your thoughts!

I’m wondering if some of you are in a period of questioning whether or not the person you are currently committed to is the one you want to be with (if so, might be a good idea to comment on this blog post anonymously!). Maybe you are questioning if this relationship is worth it or are feeling uncertain about the relationship as a whole.

In all types of relationships, there comes a time when you really start to consider if you want to truly invest in the relationship.  One of the strongest predictors of whether or not a relationship will make it is the level of commitment between partners¹.  Relationships that last have a strong level of commitment, whereas the ones that don’t, not so much.

As young adults, we are going through so many transitions in all areas of our lives, and our romantic relationships are no different.  In my opinion, this is why so many of us seek to find the right one in college, and when we don’t, we continue our search.  We want to find our special person, and sometimes, that means we question even more if the partner we are currently with is the one.  We want to make sure we commit to the right person.

Researchers define commitment as “the intentional choice to persist in a relationship and sustain an emotional attachment”, and “giving up other relational choices, increasingly being constrained and dedicated to that person”².  There are so many different factors that influence the beginning and maintaining of commitment.  Some include attachment (I know right, attachment seriously influences everything) and uncertainty. 

Commitment can fluctuate in normal and predictable ways! Please do not feel that if you ever have doubts or thoughts of uncertainty about your relationship that it is automatically headed towards the gutter.  It is totally normal for your relationship ebb and flow through the challenges of life.  Just as our relationship goes through phases, so do our levels of commitment³.  It is often tested, developed, and strengthened in the beginning stages of a relationship, and over time, we experience decreased anxiety about our commitment to our partner¹.  But in between, we experience plenty of normal highs and lows. 

When commitment is truly called into question is when the relationship seems to no longer meet the needs of either one or both of the partners¹.  Either this, or when there has been a significant hurt or breach of trust in the relationship¹.  When either of these occurs, one or both partners may become more uncertain about their level of commitment.  This leads to what researchers call commitment uncertainty¹.  Commitment uncertainty may also refer to the degree in which a partner feels unsure and uneasy about their desire to continue in the relationship¹.  This can create ongoing conflict, both internally and externally.  Fluctuating feelings and thoughts about the future of the relationship is a huge part of this.

One of the main signs of decreased relationship commitment is serious consideration (what researchers call “alternative monitoring”) of other partners¹.  Like mentioned earlier, it is absolutely normal to casually scope out other potential partners.  You know, when your roommate’s brother or sister walk in and you can’t help but think to yourself “how you doin?” (cue Joey Tribbiani’s voice).  This, my friends, is totally normal.  On the other hand, serious alternative monitoring comes into play when we actively strive to get fun and flirty with a potential partner¹. That’s when we should recognize that maybe the relationship we’re in isn’t doing it for us.

As young adults, we navigate romantic relationships like it’s our job (and it some ways, it kind of is).  If we don’t a have a partner, we are probably looking for one, and if we do, we want to make sure all of our needs are being met.  During this incredibly sweet (and incredibly terrifying) time of life, we are very focused on developing our identity and independence, along with developing intimacy¹.  This all sounds great, but in order to develop a strong sense of identity, we kind of have to grow in our independence and autonomy, and sometimes this may not work well with developing intimacy and interdependence with our partner¹.  This may be why some young adults engage in serious alternative monitoring, because it provides us with an opportunity to feel independent and develop an identity outside of the relationship, while also focusing on fostering interdependence and growing an intimate connection with our partner¹.

It can be incredibly challenging to balance the need to develop identity while also develop intimacy and dependency in a relationship.  Balancing separateness and togetherness can be a tough situation to navigate.  I can speak for myself when I say I tried that, and it didn’t turn out so well.  Interestingly, people with secure attachments tend to navigate this the best, even though it is still challenging.  In my humble opinion, growing individually as a person and discovering who you are and who you want to be is so, so, so important! Especially in college.  My friends even agree! Here is what one friend had to say:

“Realize that there are so many things in your life that bring you joy outside of a relationship and if you think you need a relationship to be happy then you’re wrong. Fall in love with yourself and go experience the world before you let a relationship rip your life apart. Get involved and stay close to your friends. Everything in this world happens for a reason.”

If you find yourself feeling stuck and uncertain, I urge to you ask yourself some questions.  What is making you uncertain? Do you see yourself growing as an individual alongside this person? Or are they just fun to have around? Are you looking for other potential partners because you crave to feel loved, or because you are scared of getting to close?  For example, those with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to daydream about being in a relationship with someone technically unavailable to them, like their bff’s boyfriend.  These questions are challenging.  If I were you, I would sit back with a nice cup of tea and a journal and work through them. 

All in all, my biggest advice to you is to stand up for yourself and what you want in a relationship.  Growing as a person and finding your identity is the most beautiful experience.  If you feel as though you are being held back, I encourage you to consider ending your relationship.  I know it seems impossible, but trust me, finding yourself is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.  Learn to love yourself in the process.  You will never, ever regret it. 

Break-ups Gone Bad

So far in this blog, we’ve talked a lot about the grief that ensues when our romantic relationships end.  We are left grieving the loss of that person in our lives, and it’s in those times that we need the support of friends and family the most.  But what happens when the people closest to us don’t recognize the loss of our partner as a grieving experience? That can sure make us feel pretty crappy. 

When some relationships end, the people around us may feel overjoyed and relieved that the relationship is finally over.  The relationship may have been really unhealthy, and the people closest to you may be overjoyed to see you not in a toxic relationship any longer.  For some individuals, abuse may have been part of the relationship.  Whether that was verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, the people closest to us, I would imagine, are relieved knowing we are free from that abuse. 

Knowing that you are free from toxic and unhealthy relationships may prompt our friends and family to not recognize the grief we experience.  In their minds, it’s like “Wow, this relationship is finally over! You can finally be free and happy!”, when in reality you are still going through a large transition. 

Let’s face it, there was something initially very attractive about your ex-partner that drew you to them in the first place.  And, you would not have stayed in the relationship for very long if you did not start to develop romantic feelings towards them.  These special feelings develop over time, and you start to grow very close to them.  At first, it’s all sunshine and rainbows and giggles, and you build happy memories with them.  Then, as time goes on, it may start to slowly get a little less sunny and become a little rainier.  This may lead to conflict, and conflict may lead to what researchers call the “process of escalation”¹. 

This “process of escalation” happens when conflict starts to become verbal abuse¹.  Then the verbal abuse becomes physical abuse¹.  Poor conflict management skills and stress can grow small issues into fights, and verbal lashing into physically lashing out¹.   This becomes what is known as intimate partner violence¹.

Even in situations of intimate partner violence, individuals may grieve the loss of their partner, yet they may not feel like their support system recognizes their need to grieve.  This is called disenfranchised grief².  Disenfranchised grief occurs when an individual experiences a sense of loss, but the loss does not seem socially acceptable to grieve².  Not feeling supported in your grief, even in abusive relationships, is a case of disenfranchised grief, my friends. 

Social support is crucial to moving through grief, and not feeling supported or loved in this hard time may minimize the big loss in our lives².   When we don’t have a support system, we are left feeling like we have to go through this life changing and super hard time by ourselves.  No fun.

Support systems are no joke.  I’ve mentioned them many, many times throughout this series of blogs, and I know it may seem redundant, but I truly believe they are the key to surviving breakups.  My friends even agree, so I must kind of know what I’m talking about.

“I had a very significant support system including my mom, dad, sister, all of my friends, my coworkers, etc. It was the most helpful part of my breakup.”

“My coworkers were significantly supportive, and my best friend was there for every single thing that happened.  She is my entire rock and helped me through this entire situation”

If the people closest to you do not seem to recognize the grief you may be feeling, know that you are not crazy.  Even if the relationship was toxic and everyone is happy to see it end, you are still going through a significant change, and it is ok to feel sad.  You are not insane for wanting to mourn the loss of your partner, and while people may make it seem like you are, trust in the fact that you are not alone.  Disenfranchised grief happens to the best of us. 

Faith in the Fallout

As we go through breakups, or any type of grief for that matter, it is not uncommon for us to turn to faith or spirituality.  We want to understand the purpose behind the pain.  We seek to find comfort and peace.  We desire to know WHY ME?? 

For some, depending upon religious beliefs, breakups may feel like what researchers have called a sacred loss¹.  For example, if you believed that your ex had been God’s answer to your prayers, or you and your ex shared similar belief systems, it may feel like a personal manifestation of God was lost when you lost your partner¹.  For some, breakups may feel as though a sacred part of life was violated, and as though there should be someone to blame for our heartache¹ (the official term for this is desecration).  In many of these moments, we may turn to God as the one to blame¹.  We may experience God as distant or punishing, or question God’s love¹.  If you do not identify as religious, then the loss of the relationship may be less about God about more about a sudden shift in your worldview.  Following a breakup, life may not seem as predictable or happy or secure. 

On the other hand, breakups may take on a different meaning.  The loss of a romantic relationship may lead us to find significant spiritual meaning¹.  We may find relief in believing that this was part of God’s plan for us¹.  We may cope with our loss by seeking the presence of God or searching for divine comfort and direction¹.  We may forgive our partners for the way they hurt us or may even seek forgiveness for ourselves¹.  Or, maybe you don’t believe in God, and find comfort and peace in spirituality, such as yoga or meditation.

SO many students cope with the loss of their romantic relationships by either turning towards or away from God or spirituality.  Both of these scenarios are completely valid.  These experiences are incredibly common, so much so that both responses were common among my friends.

“The breakup totally changed my spirituality.  I feel as though I no longer have a connection with God.  I used to feel somewhat of a connection.  I have stopped attending church almost entirely.  Mostly my spiritual side of my life has disappeared, or become focused on different things entirely”

“I am spiritual person and found peace in yoga and meditation.”

“Oh boy oh boy was my faith a huge part of the healthy healing. There was little to no doubt in my mind that God intervened when he did. It was by far the most toxic relationship I have ever been in and He was gracious to pull me out. He then surrounded me with friends, family and even a new relationship. There were many days when I was in full hysterics over how it ended, and I would feel this strange peace flood me as I began to realize the freedom that came with this break up. There was also immense comfort. I had to dive into the legal and court system unwillingly after this break up and there were multiple occasions when I felt the Lord sit right down beside me as I struggled through paperwork or tough phone calls.”

Even though we vary on how we respond to a break-up spiritually, it should be noted that the research has found similar outcomes for both positive and negative spiritual responses¹.  Viewing a breakup as a sacred loss or desecration (more of a negative response) is associated with more religious and spiritual struggles, depression, and distress¹.  However, these struggles also lead to great spiritual and personal growth¹.  On the other hand, relying on God and spirituality (seen as a more positive response) also leads to incredible spiritual and personal growth.

Why are there similar outcomes for very different approaches, you might ask? Well, it has been theorized that the more people are in distress, the more they tend to turn towards faith and meaning-making to cope with their strenuous life events¹.  While individuals that turn towards this right as their relationship ends have an easier post-breakup adjustment, individuals who struggle with their faith and spirituality still grow spiritually and personally after a breakup¹.

I can speak from personal experience when I say that my breakup helped me grow immensely, both as a person and in my relationship with God.   When I needed comfort, God was there.  When I needed peace, God was there.  The growth that I experienced by relying on my faith after my breakup has been incredibly life changing, and I do not believe I would be the person I am today without it.   No matter what you believe or what your spiritual life may entail, I challenge you to turn towards faith and spirituality.  Even if you feel angry, mad, or upset with God, you will grow spiritually and personally in your struggle.  The research even says so!  Find faith and growth in the fallout.