When All You Want is Chipotle...

Ok, so you and your significant other broke up, and you feel like you’re doing just fine without them.  Even better perhaps.  You are a strong, independent person who doesn’t need a relationship, am I right?!

And then it hits you, that craving for a chipotle burrito.  Your first instinct is to text your ex and say, “Hey let’s get Chipotle!” because that was always what you did together… and then you realize that you can’t go to Chipotle with them because you broke up.  Now, you’re stuck reliving your break-up and feeling sad, lonely, and even more hungry.

This, my friends, is what the grief experts call a secondary loss.  A secondary or accompanying loss can be defined as the losses that are triggered by the major, or primary, loss in your life (i.e., the loss of your ex)¹. They are the losses that result from the break-up, for instance the loss of someone to go to Chipotle with.  Secondary losses can add up and incredibly intensify your grief responses¹.  The feelings most commonly associated with these losses include depression, anger, emptiness, loneliness, frustration, shock, disbelief, helplessness, guilt, and a loss of self-confidence¹.  Yikes, not so fun!

Secondary losses are typically associated with grieving the death of a loved one, but as we established in the first blog post of this series, when we go through a romantic relationship break-up, we definitely grieve that loss.  Romantic love produces an attachment to that significant other, just like attachments in our other relationships².  In college in particular, these losses can greatly impact one’s academic performance, life satisfaction, and mental health².   Also, some researchers believe that, as young adults, we are even more vulnerable to these effects as a result of our developmental stage².  I guess we’re still developing our egos or something like that (not that we need any more of an ego… but that’s beside the point).  Anyways, I strongly believe that secondary losses contribute to this a lot. 

For example, in my past relationship, I spent a lot of time with my significant other in the basement of the library studying.  As soon as we broke up, I had an incredibly difficult time stepping in to that basement, as I knew I would relive so many memories of us there.   So, I had the primary loss of my ex, and the secondary loss of my favorite study space.  This could have even impacted my academic performance in some way, as I was limiting my options of study spaces (Just to be clear, my grades ended up being just fine, but still… you get the point).

This is such a common experience that I reached out to some sorority sisters of mine and asked about their break-up stories.  This is what one of my friends said in response:

“The worst part of breaking up with someone is losing your best friend, and losing someone who knows you probably better than anyone else in the world. It is still hard for me to not talk to him about things that happen to me daily, because he always seemed to know what to say. I valued his experience and wisdom because he was so much older than me, and I always turned to him when things got tough because I wanted to know what to do.”

When we go through a break-up, we are not only losing our boyfriend or girlfriend, but usually our best friend as well. We lose our go-to person to talk to, our friend to laugh with, our friend to get advice from, our friend to get chipotle with.  One suggestion is to simply make a list of these secondary losses in order to name and acknowledge them, and allow yourself to grieve the secondary losses too, in addition to the primary loss of your ex.  Another idea is to tackle these seemingly impossible to handle losses is to reach out a different friend.  Start making memories with other friends and pouring into other positive relationships.

So, next time you get that overwhelming urge for a Chipotle burrito and to call your ex, recognize that as a normal obstacle to overcome, and call a different friend instead.  I promise this challenge will get easier with time.