Okay, relationships are difficult,
but when a couple is separated by a physical distance this adds a new kind of
difficult that many individuals struggle with. There is not a wrong or right
way to go about a long distance relationship, but I believe it takes two
determined and securely attached people to truly make it work. Getting to this
point of being securely attached to one another may require an
attachment-in-the-making phase, which allows individuals to form an attachment
bond and recognize their partner as a safe haven1. Seeing your significant
other, being with them, confiding in them, and enjoying time together are
important moments leading up to the hard “goodbye” or “see you later”. I
experienced a two-year long distance relationship and it taught me valuable
lessons of communication, trust, the value of quality time together, and
appreciation of the little things. I reached out to two of my girlfriends who
have also gone through long distance relationships in different states and even
countries away from their significant other. I asked them questions about
attachment, what long distance has taught them, and their general pieces of advice.
I hope you find their insight helpful!
1)
Do you feel that you and your significant other
had a secure attachment before the distance? Or did this develop over time when
you were apart?
I think we were in a unique situation because it was a bit of
a whirlwind right before we were about to be apart for an unforeseeable amount
of time. However, he and I had developed a very close friendship prior to our
relationship beginning. In a round about way yes, I do believe we had a secure
attachment and it developed over time as well.
I would say that my SO and I had a secure attachment before
the distance, as we were close friends for years before we dated. I think the
distance also helped us build a stronger sense of communication that helped
solidify our senses of attachment.
2)
What did you learn from being in a long distance
relationship, and will this carry over into your current or future
relationships?
I learned how important open communication is especially when
you are unable to see your partner’s physical queues. Without open and honest
communication about everything within your relationship it can never be
successful. This will most definitely carry over into my future
relationships.
My long distance relationship taught me to emphasize
communication. It was easier to talk and show emotions when we were able to see
each other every week, so when my SO and I were transitioning to long distance
it put a strain on our relationship. We had to be more committed to talking and
that was how we could "spend time together." Moving forward, I know
that I put an emphasis on communication and the ease in which my partner and
myself can communicate, as it is a necessity in a close relationship.
3)
Would you ever consider another long distance
relationship? Would you do anything differently?
I would consider a long distance relationship in the future.
The only thing I would do differently is to be in a relationship longer before
deciding to attempt long distance and I would make sure to discuss how
challenging the distance is for both of us more regularly. I would do this so
that we would both understand where we were and how we were feeling, again
going back to the open communication.
If it was the situation, I would enter another long distance
relationship. Long distance sucks at times in my experience. It was difficult
to feel like we were actively involved in the other's life and supported when
both individuals are busy with differing schedules, so I would try to make more
time for video chatting and phone calls. The distance also helped me feel like
we were closer when we got to see each other in person. I feel that we both
valued that time and made extra efforts to be involved in each other's
activities and lives. I feel that I learned more about myself and what I want
from a romantic relationship in my long distance relationship than in previous
non-distance relationships.
4)
What is one piece of advice you have in order to
keep that spark alive?
I think
it is most important to trust each other and decide what works for you two within
the relationship, regardless of if the relationship results in an open
relationship for a short time or staying monogamous. I also believe it is
important to be able to allow the other to go do their own thing and not be
attached to their phone all the time. Allowing each other to go out and be
present in their life and knowing that you will be there when they are not busy
is key.
Advice I have to keep the spark alive is to have fun in
including your partner in your daily lives, find ways that work for each other
in order to feel intimate with your SO.
Interviewing my friends allowed me to better
understand long distance relationships from different perspectives. All in all,
I have come to the conclusion that having a healthy attachment with your
partner will allow the communication, trust, and love to follow naturally. No,
a secure attachment does not guarantee success in long distance relationships,
but it definitely helps. Ultimately, two people need to be committed to the
distance in order to survive the distance, but having a secure attachment
definitely stems from this commitment.
Kaylee, thank you for sharing this post! It seems like both of your friends had mostly positive experiences with long-distance relationships, and I'm taking mental notes. I appreciate that they both shared about the importance of communication. This is a necessity in all relationships, but a lot more hangs on that factor when two partners can't be physically together as they navigate a romantic relationship. I also agree that both people need to be clear and consistent about when phone contact will take place. I've watched too many friends become attached to their phones when their significant other doesn't live in the same city/state. Boundaries have to be established so that each partner can be present and engaged in their individual lives. Great topic and explication!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this Kaylee! It was great! I appreciate you taking the time to ask these questions and your friends’ valuable insight. I personally have never been in a long distance relationship, but I have a close friend who is just starting a long distance relationship right now, and I know they would love to hear your friends’ advice. I completely agree with what they said about communication being important. I am a strong believer that communication is the central pillar of a relationship. Both partners benefit from being open with each other and being able to discuss everything in their lives. I also really like one of the points your friend made when they stated that it is important to go and live your life without being attached to your phone all of the time. I could imagine that it would be hard to put the phone down when it is one of the only forms of communication you have with your loved one, but I also think it is important that you go out and live in the moment, in the present, and enjoy all that is going on around you. Your friend made a wonderful statement when she said that you should allow your loved one to live their life and that you both trust that you will always be there for each other when you both aren’t busy. Thanks again for sharing!
ReplyDeleteKaylee, I loved reading your post! I have several friends in long distance relationships currently and I am actually starting to have that conversation with my boyfriend since I am applying to graduate schools not where we live now. It was comforting to hear similar answers from you and your friends: that communication, trust and a firm foundation for your relationship are key. I completely agree that it’s important to start the relationship physically together, whether that be as a friendship or dating, because that gives you a better opportunity to set that secure base before having to be away from each other. I also found that your advice for long distance couples are highly important for those not in a long distance relationship too. Whether you see each other once a day or once a year, the strongest relationships need communication, trust, honesty, the ability to enjoy the little things and a secure base with your partner. It was a good read, Kaylee!
ReplyDeleteKaylee, I absolutely loved reading this post! While I have never personally been in a long distance relationship, I have witnessed multiple friends go through them and this advice would've helped them immensely! I really love how your friends emphasized communication and how being open and honest is crucial to maintaining a successful relationship. As I reflect on past relationships, I am able to recognize how communication was one of our major downfalls. We simply did not know how to be completely open and honest with our feelings, which in turn lead to some serious conflict. Also, I really enjoyed how your friend mentioned the importance of letting your significant other live in the moment and be present, rather than be attached to their phone constantly. While communication is essential to a successful relationship, being present and active in face-to-face relationships is important for a fulfilling life, and that is something that may be missed when handling a long distance relationship. Thanks again for your insight, Kaylee!
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of some individuals in my own life! I found myself agreeing with both of your friends when they mentioned that communication is vital in a long distance relationship as I was also in a long distance relationship. I really felt that I could connect with your friend who said they were friends with their significant other for years before they started dating as that is how my previous long distant relationship started. My ex and I started dating while long distance though so I wonder what your friends would advise in that situation, as there seemed to be some support for starting a relationship physically together. I found this post very informative and relatable as graduation is only a month away and I will be moving on to another adventure in another city (and possibly state).
ReplyDeleteKaylee, reading this blog post was very interesting to me! Although I am not in a long distance relationship right now I know those who are. This article helped me have insight into what a long distance relationship would be like. They would definitely be more difficult but it would make both people stronger in the long run. After reading this entry I was fascinated to discover how much attachment relates to a relationship. It seems as though secure attachment provides couples with the highest success rate when they are long distance. This post also made me grateful that my boyfriend also attends CSU so that we don't have to deal with distance.
DeleteKaylee,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your blog post, I noticed that the most important factor in ensuring a long distance relationships succeeds is having open communication between both partners. Additionally, I noticed the successful long distance relationships already had a secure foundation, whether they were friends prior to their romantic relationship or they had been dating for a few years.
One of my teammates on my softball team is going through a long distance relationship. Her boyfriend is living in California, where she is also from. However, she is currently attending Colorado State University (CSU). My teammate, Amber, has been with her boyfriend, Andrew, for 4 years already. I have asked her for advice with developing a successful long distance relationship because I may potentially have one with my boyfriend of 7 months. Amber mentioned that developing a solid foundation in a relationship is key for a long distance relationship. Having a solid or secure base in their relationship will lead to trust, loyalty, and communication. When she started the long distance relationship, Amber and Andrew were together for 3 years. Additionally, Amber said that she tries to FaceTime Andrew everyday or every other day. Through FaceTime she is able to strengthen their communication with each other and also she is able to see her dog, Poke. Amber and Andrew are able to survive a long distance relationship because they are both aware of the challenges and work needed to have a successful relationship.
Christine Kerr
ReplyDeleteHDFS 402
Professor Ashley Harvey
I loved this article! It gave me the opportunity to see first hand the opinions and views of couples. When reading this article, I had a couple in mind who reminded me a lot of the topics that were discussed in this article. My sister Mary and her husband Matt, who have been married for a total of 12 years now. These two have the strongest relationship, and seem as if they are still in their "honeymoon phase", which means they still have that spark. They keep a very open communication with each other, and make sure to put the most effort as possible into their marriage. My perception of this is that once you find the person you feel you are meant to be with, it is important to put in as much effort as you can to keep the marriage alive, and show your unconditional love for that person. I believe that every marriage is different, and everyone goes through different trials and hardships in their marriage, but overall, love is the most important aspect. To be there for your partner emotionally, mentally and physically is key when it comes to romantic couple relationships. Overall, I really liked the points you brought up in your article, as it was very informative and interesting! Thanks so much!
-Christine Kerr
Kaylee, I loved to hear your insight on having a long distance relationship. I have never been in a long distance relationship and I noticed that there are different hardships than those who are not long distance. In college, I noticed that the majority of long-term relationships were at the beginning of college because of high school relationships. I like how you expressed getting your friends help especially on the communication and being honest aspect. I think these are some of the biggest factors that make a relationship healthy. If one of these are not healthy, it can create a rocky relationship from experience. I know that you mentioned that you would have wanted the relationship to be longer before it was long distance but I think it can be hard no matter how long or short the relationship was before the person left. I do think that can be a deal breaker for some people no matter where they are at in their relationship. I think it depends on the boundaries of the overall relationship and how much trust and communication they have with their partner. Such an interesting read from a perspective I have not been able to have or see!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog post and hearing about your friend’s experiences with long distance. My best friend and I have both experienced long-distance relationships which is why I found it interesting comparing our experiences with your friends. I think communication is one of the most important components of having a successful long-distance relationship. In my experience it was very difficult to strengthen my relationship while only communicating over the phone. Although I struggled with this, I know several people who use distance to show their full commitment to each other. This shows how every relationship is different and long-distance may work for some couples and not others. I think there are several factors that go into the success of a long-distance relationship however, I agree that communication is key to a long-distance relationship.
ReplyDeleteBeing in a long-distance relationship is definitely one of the hardest obstacles a couple has to face. One of my best friends is currently in a long distance relationship with a girl from Japan. They have been together for one year now and even though they are extremely in love with each other I have seen my best friend cry because she isn’t able to go visit her and vice versa. I actually went ahead and asked my best friend what the hardest part of being in a long distance relationship was and she said the hardest thing was not feeling physical affection. I think this is very valid and I give my props to anyone who has been or is in a long distance relationship because it takes a lot of time and communication.
ReplyDeleteHaving been in two long distance relationships before I can genuinely say it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I really like this blog as is outlines ways to make long distance work and be successful even if it has not occurred yet. Specifically, I like how the interviewee discusses the necessity to be with the person for a longer period of time before you attempt long distance. Because it is already such a hard thing to do, I think this aspect of a relationship is necessary before adding in miles of distance because you need to know it is right before going down an extremely difficult road. I wish I had taken this advice in my own relationships and this really reiterated that to me again. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who was in a long distance relationship for a long time, I agree with your statements that having an attachment-in-the-making phase and forging a secure attachment with your partner before going long distance is crucial to the relationship' success. In my situation, my partner and I did not have time to form a secure attachment before we went long distance. The result of this was a relationship that was plagued with anxiety, insecurity, miscommunication, and secrecy on both ends. After enduring this long-distance relationship, I swore that I would never consider entering into one again. However, after reading your post and the insights of your two interviewees, maybe I will consider trying another long-distance relationship in the future if my partner and I establish a secure relationship beforehand.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are challenging, but adding physical distance creates a unique layer of difficulty that many couples struggle to navigate. While there is no cheat code for surviving a long-distance relationship, it is known that these relationships require two determined and securely attached individuals to thrive. Achieving a secure attachment often involves an “attachment in the making” phase, where partners establish an emotional bond and recognize each other's presence. Saying those hard “goodbyes” becomes critical when maintaining the connection. Drawing from my own experiences, I was in a long/mid-distance relationship during my senior year of high school and my freshman and sophomore years of college. My boyfriend moved to Florida to work on a yacht and I was still in Colorado. This experience taught me the importance of communication, trust, and cherishing the little things. Moving forward, I lived in Fort Collins and he lived in Denver. While the drive was only an hour, making time to see each other became increasingly challenging and resulted in several issues. When that occurred, our relationship fell apart. Communication was lacking and trust was quickly diminishing. Now that the relationship is over, there are many things I would have changed if given the opportunity. Understanding commitment ensures a secure attachment in a relationship and instills core values.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post, and I agree that although having a healthy and secure attachment with your partner helps the distance become easier, it is not guaranteed. A long-distance relationship takes a level of communication that is time consuming, dedicated, and patient. I went into college with a long-distance relationship, and now as a senior, we are still together. We did two years of long distance, and I will say, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It takes such an intimate level of patience and talking to make it work, and even then, there were times where I felt like it wouldn’t. Is long distance possible? Yes, absolutely. However, there is a reason why it does not work out for so many people.
ReplyDeleteSurviving the Distance- Comment 1
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this insightful blog post! As someone who has also tried a long-distance relationship, I would disagree about trying a long-distance relationship again. I can understand your desire to be in one again only if you and your partner had been together for a longer amount of time, but I was so exhausted during and after my long-distance relationship. I was also very young, I was 18 and 19 years old in my freshman year of college. Perhaps my circumstances were also different because I did not fully trust my partner (he actually ended up cheating on me), which sounds like a different situation from what you experienced. It’s interesting to learn another opinion on long-distance because I know not everyone has done it before.