“You know me. The
minute they get close I start to pull away. I don’t know…I guess I’m just
not comfortable with letting anyone get too close.”
My best
friend since kindergarten gave me a sad look through the Skype camera after
explaining to me why exactly she had ended things with the guy she had been
seeing. She liked hanging out with him, but when it came to intimacy and
expressing her feelings and desires to him, she pulled away, unwilling to
foster such a bond. And this wasn’t the first time that this had occurred
in one of her potential relationships. It was a common pattern. Sound
familiar? Or what about these:
“I know we’ve been together
for a while, and I really do like you. I’m just not quite ready for a
commitment. I just need a little more time.”
“I’m not looking for
anything serious right now.”
“I just can’t help but
notice ___ about my partner. I know it is a small thing that shouldn’t
affect anything, but I just notice it every time. It’s really getting in
the way of our relationship.”
“No, I don’t need you to
help me. I can do this on my own.”
“They are trying to get
close to me, but it is making me uncomfortable. It’s just too much.”
As you
read these, are you possibly remembering a time either you or your loved one
has said something in relation to these comments? These tend to be common
statements of what is known as the avoidant attachment style. Avoidant
attachment style is observed as an individual’s self-reliance and resistance to
becoming emotionally close to another1. Although a person may be involved in a relationship, the
idea of depending on another person is uncomfortable, and they often perceive
their partner as “clingy” when they begin to get too close2.
This attachment style is also characterized by3:
- Lack of vulnerability and
self-disclosure
- Increased likelihood to focus on
the negatives in a situation and in a partner
- Internalizing emotions
I know it may not sound like the best thing in
the world, but if you can relate, it doesn’t mean that you will never be able
to foster that closeness with a loved one. Rather, it just means that
your partner is going to be one lucky person when you begin to open up to them.
So how then, can you begin to counteract
this attachment style? One of the best pieces of advice I have ever
received about relationships was when I was told that to truly learn and
understand someone else, one must offer up some of themselves. To be
vulnerable and allow someone access to your thoughts and heart is one of the
most intimate and difficult experiences. And it takes an immense amount
of courage to do this or to try! Having an avoidant attachment style does
not mean there is something wrong with you or that you will forever be pushing
relationships away. Some of us just take a little longer to trust and
open up, but just like anxious attachment styles, those with avoidant
attachment styles can also develop a secure attachment with a little extra patience
and self-awareness!
Here are some of the best simple ways to begin
developing that secure attachment between you and your partner:
- Have patience with one another and with
yourselves.
- Recognize the deactivation signs! Know
when you or they are beginning to pull away and come up with strategies to
counteract them. It can be as simple as just saying “I can feel
myself pulling away.”
- Try to share something new about yourself.
Let your partner know who you are. The person you are with wants to
know all of you :)
- Set aside a time in the day where you and your
partner can sit and tell each other about how your day went or how you are
doing. And,
- Try to see the positives of each potential
negative situation.
Dee Dee, I really enjoyed reading your post. It was very relatable in the beginning with the situational quotations you provided. You explained the avoidant attachment style very well! One thing I can relate to is that after I ended my long- term relationship I felt that I began to purposefully take on an avoidant attachment style characteristics. I was not ready for another long-term commitment because I felt that I needed to re-learn how to be single and be on my own. I think that this was a necessary period of personal growth, and having an avoidant attachment style facilitated this. I do agree with you that having patience and self-awareness are important in fostering secure attachments for individuals who are avoidant. Understanding your specific attachment style is key because then one can focus on what they struggle with and can hopefully find an effective way of readdressing their flaws and changing their attitudes toward relationships. Thanks for the post Dee Dee!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your post because I can see these patterns in my friends and myself, and your advice is golden. At the beginning of the relationship I’m in now, I found myself frequently thinking exactly what you said: “I don’t need you to help me, I can do this on my own”. It’s comforting to hear you say that this could just be a bit of avoidant attachment in me, and that I need to recognize my deactivation signs. I always feared that my repression would push my partner away, but a little openness really does go a long way. I had to push myself to be vulnerable, even if it started with little things like admitting I’m having a bad day, and eventually it was easier to talk about big things too. It’s so true that it’s easy to internalize and push your own emotional independence on your partner with this attachment style, but being vulnerable with even little things can make a big difference in relationships. So relatable, Dee Dee!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a helpful explanation of avoidant attachment. Thank you for breaking it down for us! I know many people who wrestle with avoidant tendencies; the one closest to home, though, is my mom. I've seen my mom and dad work through her pattern of withdrawing in their marriage, and though it hasn't always been smooth sailing, they've always come through the storm stronger and more in-tune with each other. For instance, I was in middle school when I overheard an argument between my parents in which my mom desperately exclaimed, "I just need some space, Dale!" and after that escalation, they decided that from then on, they would both take 5 minutes to calm down and process (in separate rooms) before approaching heated conversations. It took a lot of patience and self-awareness for my mom and dad to re-learn how to connect and be intimate without frustrating or exacerbating each other. Vulnerability and communication are key!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this insight on what an avoidant attachment style looks like! I really love how you pointed out how being vulnerable and sharing your heart and thoughts with someone is one of the most intimate and difficult one can have. It’s crazy how true that it is! It can be so rewarding yet so challenging at the same time. I also really love the idea of recognizing your detachment signs and coming up with ways to counteract them, such as saying “I feel myself pulling away”. As I have observed my friends navigate avoidant attachment styles throughout their relationships, I feel as though this piece of advice would be super useful. Whenever they are faced with any sort of conflict, they instantly feel the need to bolt. The process of recognizing the avoidance and simply saying “I am feeling myself pull away” would better help them to work on conflict in their relationships and foster better attachments with their loved ones! Thanks again for the post, Dee Dee!
ReplyDeleteI truly loved reading this post. I have always been in serious relationships and though we are not together due to life changes, we are still very good friends. The one thing I learned in every relationship is that it is important to open up and learn about one another. You are able to grow and create an amazing bond with one another. You want the other person to know that you are there for them, that they are loved and important. Being in a relationship shouldn't be scary; it should be an amazing experience. The advice you gave about developing a secure attachment couldn't have been more perfectly said.
ReplyDeleteSome questions I have about finding yourself distancing from your relationship is that could it possibly be that your subconsciously pulling away because they aren't right for you or it is not the right time? I recently found myself not interested in a guy that I was with for about 8 months and couldn't place my finger on why. I was just wondering if maybe it was a timing thing because I'm 21 and still trying to figure myself out?
This was an interesting post to read. I am immediately taken back to a relationship I have had in the past. We were high school sweethearts but I moved from Iowa to Colorado and we had been long distance for over a year. We had plans for him to move out to CO and we had an apartment that we had already put a deposit down on. Then just a couple weeks before he was due to move out, he completely stopped talking to me for a few days and afterwards gave me a phone call telling me that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship or move out to CO to be with me. I was devastated and at the time shocked. After all, he had barely given me any notice! It is only now years later that I can analyze the relationship and see that there were definitely signs that he was pulling away. Because our relationship was long distance it was easy to mistake his pulling away from the relationship with him just being preoccupied and us only being able to communicate over the phone. I wish I had recognized the deactivation signs at the time and saved myself the heartbreak!
ReplyDeleteDee Dee, your post is highly relevant and is beneficial for readers to be able to recognize what style they may have in regards to intimate relationships. It is also wonderful to include characteristics that describe the avoidant attachment style such as lack of vulnerability and self-disclosure. Not only does your article describe the positives of the avoidant attachment style, but can directly link to how relationships can manifest. For example, a close friend from my high school is in a long-term relationship with her high school sweetheart. She describes herself as an introvert and will usually open up the more she gets to know a person. I have seen how she has exhibited a few characteristics of the avoidant attachment style and how that has led up to where she is with her relationship today. Dee Dee, you mentioned how this attachment style can grow into a secure attachment which is exactly how my friend feels in her relationship. It is truly amazing how the differences in approach when it comes to intimacy can typically result in a relationship that is suitable to the partners involved. I think it would be interesting to see how this concept can be found across cultures and how intersectionality may impact this attachment style.
ReplyDeleteThis article is useful in knowing how to help someone that may think they are incapable of love because of their attachment style. My best friend struggles with opening up with people. They were in a serious relationship with someone and resisted opening up with their significant other because they had seen what issues had come up with their parents when being vulnerable. They lost all hope and ended things shortly after because they felt that they couldn’t give the other person any part of themselves. I think it’s important to remember that there are strategies you can implement to slowly open up to your partner. I like what you said with setting a time during the day to get to know one another and to share your day. This makes sure that both parties felt heard and that there is communication occurring between both people. This article was very helpful. Thanks Dee Dee!
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