Now that we have shown you what secure attachment in relationships looks like, I’m gonna lay out some specifics on the anxious attachment style and hints to know if that describes you in relationships. So what does it mean to be “anxious”? It is exactly what it sounds like, which means there’s a lot of worrying, over-thinking and need for reassurance involved in relationships for those of us with an anxious attachment style.
An anxious attachment, in a simple definition, is idealizing everything about your partner while at the same time doubting your ability to be a good partner to them1. As you can imagine, that sets you up to spend a lot of time worrying and not so much time just enjoying the relationship. When it comes to conflict, there are some similarities between secure and anxious, but those who are anxious struggle more with vulnerability due to the fear of pushing partners away2. Those with anxious attachments will stay emotionally in-check for external issues, but when it comes to internal issues, it’s a whole different story. They are more likely to:
- Hold these issues in due to fear of pushing partners away
- Have complete freak-outs when issues do get brought up
- Bring up irrelevant issues during arguments
- Become confrontational and
- Have a negative overall view on the conversation being had.
These people are also likely to bring up many intimate details about themselves early on, find falling in love easy, seek extreme closeness, and invest highly in their relationships2.
At this point you might be thinking “that sounds horrible, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone that worrisome” or, if you’re like me, you may be thinking more along the lines of “uh oh, that sounds like what I do.” I was in a relationship for four years with a wonderful guy but unfortunately, it ended because we stopped being able to open up with one another and our problems became bigger than our desire to fix them. Afterwards, I became lost and lonely, and jumped into a new relationship just a few months after. This new boyfriend was completely different in that he was very self-centered, independent and laid back (a nice way of saying he didn’t really care). So our relationship became that way too, and it just solidified the emotional repression in me that ended my last relationship. This new boyfriend was bad for me in that he didn’t really care to hear about my problems, he especially didn’t want to discuss ours as a couple, and he was a firm believer in “time fixes everything” rather than communication. Jumping from a solid relationship to a very toxic one like this made my anxious attachment habits much more permanent. I repressed my emotions, worried about losing him over stupid little things, would bring up irrelevant stuff during our fights and would get super hostile at random times. Needless to say, we broke up, but that anxious attachment style that surfaced in myself is something I’m still working on to this day.
However, I don’t want you guys to worry if you have an anxious attachment style. The way I look at it, it just means we absolutely have potential for a secure attachment, we just need a little extra self-confidence and to push ourselves to be vulnerable. To love is to be vulnerable, and that’s a beautiful thing! Force yourself to not only see the greatness in your partner, but also yourself. And don’t be afraid to bring up your worries to your partner, because their response will show you that they either love and support you (which should get you to a more secure attachment) or prove that you need to show them the door. At the same time, utilize all of your support systems so you have more people to help you get everything in your head out into the world and to avoid overwhelming your partner. The best thing for someone who is anxious is to be with someone who accepts your worries until they no longer consume you.
I love so many of the tips provided in this post! Thank you for sharing! As someone who tends to exhibit a more anxious attachment style, I can relate to the worrying and overthinking that accompanies it. My last relationship was with a wonderful guy who treated me well. However, I couldn’t seem to get out of my head. I would worry about every little thing, suppress my thoughts and emotions in fear that they would cause problems if I voiced them, and got jealous easily. In the end, it was my inability to voice my thoughts that began to whittle away at our relationship. Because of this experience, I’m a strong believer that communication is a fundamental component of a relationship. Being vulnerable and expressing your emotions can be scary, but it is better than grappling with the constant over-thinking! If I were to give any advice, it would be to take baby-steps. Becoming vulnerable with someone doesn’t occur overnight, but rather involves a slow unraveling of yourself. As you become vulnerable, the relationship becomes stronger because a confidence grows out of revealing your emotions and thoughts to each other. Trust in who you are and who you are with! Just as was said in this post, it is definitely possible to attain a secure attachment through patience with oneself and a level of vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post! You've provided so much clarity about relationships with an anxious attachment style, and I am grateful for the insider's scoop on how to recognize if one's relationship is suffering from the detrimental effects of such an attachment. Upon reading your explication, I am beginning to pinpoint in my life who might struggle with anxiety, and how better to navigate interactions with them. Some of those anxious tendencies materialize in my own thought processes and actions, such as: holding in issues that need to be addressed in an attempt to keep others happy, and all of a sudden becoming overtly confrontational when I can’t hold it in any longer. Thank you for the reminder to be vulnerable and utilize the supportive people in my corner. These things will ultimately help me to become a healthier person, and will foster a healthy dynamic in any future relationship!
ReplyDeleteI love this post and they way you described what it looks like to have an anxious attachment! After reading this and doing some serious self-reflection, I came to the conclusion that I have exhibited some seriously anxious qualities throughout my past relationship. I can totally relate to freaking out and bringing up irrelevant topics during confrontation, just because I was held so much anxiety within my heart all the time. I really love how you pointed out how those with an anxious attachment are not doomed forever. When we become more confident and love ourselves, our partner is better able to love us, and that can make a world of difference! Thanks again for this insightful post!
ReplyDeleteEmma, this post was very thoughtful and relatable! I loved that you stated “to love is to be vulnerable”. This is so important to understand because many people don’t understand this concept. People are scared to open up and/or they don’t know how to because being secure in oneself takes time. This security in oneself stems from secure attachments, so it makes sense that individuals with anxious attachments need more encouragement and support in fostering secure bonds. I can definitely relate to what you were saying about your previous relationship because my ex boyfriend was anxious and this caused me to have an anxious attachment in the relationship as well. I didn’t realize this while I was in the relationship but it is clear now that I have reflected on it and read other people’s stories. Relationships are learning experiences and each one will be different. I think it is interesting how you can be raised with a certain attachment style, but then a relationship will change this and cause you to question your security and who you are. It is important to find that someone who naturally establishes a secure attachment with you, and challenges you to be the best version of yourself.
ReplyDeleteEmma! I can relate to this lifestyle so much! I think that the comment "To love is to be vulnerable, and that’s a beautiful thing" is so true! I love that! Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! This was such an amazing and relatable post that really does a great job at highlighting what anxious attachment-style feels like, as well as reassuring readers that this attachment style doesn’t mean that it can’t change. I was able to relate to this personally because I have shown traits of anxious attachment style in my past relationship. I had a similar experience with a more nonchalant boyfriend who caused me to overthink a lot of things in our relationship until we eventually broke up. Just like in your post, this type of relationship was not beneficial to my anxious attachment style that l was trying to remedy internally. Thank you so much for spreading more useful information on this attachment style so more people can identify what they are feeling.
ReplyDeleteJust to start off I believe you did a great job of describing what an anxious attachment style is and I was a little shocked when I basically thought to myself “thats me.” I tend to worry a lot about little things that should not be thought about. But when you mentioned that they tend to fall in love easily I was a little more surprised due to how I have never thought I would be like that mostly because I believe that I put up walls and can close myself off. However, it was really nice to read about how there are always isn't just negatives with this.
ReplyDeleteI really related to the things laid out in this blog post. I have always over thought my interactions with those close to me, it is incredibly difficult for me to leave a conversation alone after the fact. I can also relate to the tendency to fall in love quickly, often too quickly. I become attached to people before we have even laid down the groundwork for a relationship. I have already planned out our life together before the first date. This often results in me becoming disappointed in people for the smallest things. I also find myself unable to have casual friendships, if we haven't bonded over our deepest flaws and insecurities after we first hang out I find myself uninterested in the relationship. I need the intense connection to be comfortable in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who does have an anxious attachment style, this read was very relatable. The worrying, overthinking, and need for extra reassurance were spot on. I struggle with all of these aspects in my relationships. It was interesting that self-confidence was a factor in anxious attachment styles as well but that got me thinking, what if you are like me and have very little self-confidence and self-esteem? Vulnerability is hard to do when you have an anxious attachment but if you have less confidence on average already, it makes it that much harder to push yourself to be vulnerable. Any advice for those of us with less confidence and self-esteem than the average Joe?
ReplyDeleteMy attachment style is an Anxious attachment style so this blog post really hit home for me on multiple levels. The list of anxious attachment and what they do is very true for me in particular because with my partner I will hold in issues because I don’t want to push them away, when I have an issues. I will delete messages that I have sent about issues before they could even see them because I don’t want to push them away, and I will occasionally bring up irrelevant issues from a while ago during arguments even if they don’t relate at all to the issue at hand. I learned even from this blog that I will overshare with my partner. The point about working on your attachment style even after past relationships is true because in my experience I will work on it every time and maybe don’t do the same things, and you have to be vulnerable in a relationship, and the idea of finding someone who can accept you until they no longer consume you is very insightful.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog. While I do not have an anxious attachment style, my best friend does. She is struggling, much like the experience shared, with her boyfriend not caring as much as she does. While I do try and give her advice to try and talk to him openly about things without getting too worked up, it does not help. I think that a lot of the time people with anxious attachment style have things in relationships they need to work on (just like anyone else), but I do think that there are some people who have different attachment styles that might just nit be compatible. My friend, for example, has tried her best with her boyfriend, but no matter what he does it seems like he does not care. For him, showing affection is not the way he expresses love, and for her with an anxious attachment style, she needs someone who shows her affection to feel confident in her relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis blog did a good job describing anxious attachment to someone who may not know what it is like. As someone in a healthy and committed relationship, I understand relationship related anxiety and anxious attachment. The overthinking and need for reassurance was very relatable. I know my partner is loyal and trustworthy, however, past relationships have caused me to develop anxious attachment. Much like the post described, I often doubt my ability to be a good partner and the idea of confrontation has always scared me. The only difference between my personal experience and what was described in this post is that I am willing to talk to my partner about my anxious feeling rather than holding it in. This way we are able to communicate and problem solve together.
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