Relationship Commitment and the Investment Model

Across all attachment types, one fact remains true for all of us: the level of commitment we have significantly impacts our relationship satisfaction. The investment model describes our commitment to a relationship, using factors such as: satisfaction level, alternative partners, and investments in our relationship as predictors of commitment.² This model shows that if we are happy in our relationship, do not have alternatives that seem more appealing, and if we have invested large amounts of time, energy, or other resources into the relationship, that we are more likely to be committed.²

Our satisfaction is determined by the rewards and costs that are associated with our relationship, and our overall commitment can be defined as our motivation to maintain a relationship based on our level of satisfaction. When the number of rewards exceeds the number of costs, we are more likely to experience satisfaction. This is fairly intuitive, but the number of costs and rewards can change even within the same day. We tend to be happier with our relationships on the days where the rewards significantly outweigh the costs, and our evaluation of the costs and rewards of a relationship are shaped by our attachment styles.²

For those of us that are insecurely attached, our attachment style influences our experience of relationship investment. Having a strong investment in a relationship can help to tie us to our partners, and it allow us to feel more satisfied by feeling closer to our partners.² Those of us with anxious attachment styles are likely to experience a strong desire to merge with another person and forge a strong bond, even when considering our fears surrounding rejection.³ This means that those of us with anxious attachment styles are more likely than those of us with avoidant attachment to experience high levels of commitment.

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experience with commitment levels and investment in her relationship, and she described the following:

“I definitely notice us to be more invested in each other and our relationship when we are feeling anxious about the relationship. Not to say we aren't now even though I feel secure, but I think when there's unrest or a feeling of anxiety related to attachment or the relationship I notice myself focusing a lot of my energy on the relationship probably in an effort to get back to that feeling of security.”

For those of us that are avoidantly attached, we tend to have more negative expectations for others, causing us to be less interested in committing to relationships.² We tend to fear becoming dependent on others, which makes us less likely to be interested in forming committed relationships.³ Alternately, those of us that are securely attached tend to have positive opinions and expectations of others, we are comfortable getting close to others, and are likely to invest in a romantic relationship and practice healthy behaviors while doing so.²

The good news, and what we all need to remember, is that we have the power to change our attachment style, earn secure attachment, and form committed relationships. A recent study found that nearly 1 in 4 people are able to earn secure attachment, a number that increases when we are aware of our patterns and make an effort to change.¹We do not have to perpetuate the same negative patterns of behavior, we have the power to change our lives and transform our relationships, and the first step begins with becoming aware of our patterns and making an effort to develop healthier behaviors. Another hopeful fact is that across all attachment styles, it remains true that relationship commitment is related to our level of satisfaction. Thus, no matter if we are more anxiously or avoidantly attached, if we are more committed, we are more likely to be happy in our relationship. And if both parties are happy and want to make a relationship work and last, then it is likely that it will.

¹Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

²Etcheverry, P. E., Le, B., Wu, T.-F., & Wei, M. (2013). Attachment and the investment model: Predictors of relationship commitment, maintenance, and persistence. Personal Relationships, 20(3), 546–567. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01423.x

³Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 299-346). New York: Guilford Press. 

Relationship Satisfaction

As we have touched on before on this blog, our attachment style can influence our relationship satisfaction, with those of us that are insecurely attached generally reporting less satisfaction in our relationships. This may be disheartening for those of us that are insecurely attached, however we should really view it as good news, because it means that we have the ability to earn secure attachment and change our attachment styles. This one change could, in turn, help us to become more satisfied in our relationships, and even improve our overall wellbeing. 

Insecure-avoidant attachment is characterized by feeling less comfortable with intimacy, and by being less likely to seek out close relationships. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to be self-sufficient, and we show more discomfort with emotional closeness.1 Individuals with avoidant attachment styles enter into relationships much less frequently, and when we do, we are more likely to experience commitment aversion.1 Those of us that are avoidantly attached generally report lower rates of relationship satisfaction, as we have a harder time opening up and connecting with our partners. Those of us that are avoidantly attached also report less overall wellbeing, as we generally do not harness social support, which can contribute to rates of depression.1 

I asked one avoidantly-attached friend about their experience earning secure attachment with their longtime partner and how their relationship satisfaction changed over time and they described their relationship as such:

“We were ‘together’ for almost a year before I finally felt comfortable taking the next step and labeling it because I’d been hurt pretty badly recently and didn’t want to rebound or open myself back up to that pain unnecessarily… [transitioning to a long-distance relationship] forced us to get comfortable because it was going to be really hard either way, but it would have been impossible if we weren’t on the same page and didn’t trust each other. And it’s been hard obviously, but only because I miss them and not because I’m terrified that they’re going to leave me or cheat on me or anything.”

Insecure-anxious attachment is characterized by a high desire for intimacy and closeness, but a persistent fear that something might go wrong. Those of us that are anxiously attached are more likely to experience feelings of jealousy, chronic fear of abandonment, and fear of being rejected.1 These negative emotions can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction for those of us that are anxiously attached, and can lead to feeling as though we can never get too comfortable in a relationship, despite our intense desire for closeness.1 

One of my close friends who recently got engaged was discussed how moving in together allowed him to finally let go of some of his anxiously attached tendencies and become more securely attached to his fiancée: 

“My partner and I started our relationship off as close friends, and I would definitely say that at first, we were insecurely attached. Because of the existing dynamic of our friendship, we constantly worried about doing something to harm the friendship, and personally I feel that at times, I let this worry prevent me from taking the necessary steps to build and strengthen our relationship. We eventually moved in together, and that alone was the turning point in our relationship, I would say. I immediately noticed a difference, and she went from my friend who I was dating to my partner who I was friends with. I no longer worried about upsetting or altering our friendship, because I knew our relationship was strong enough to withstand any changes.”

Both of these individuals have success stories about earning secure attachment. They prove that it is possible to alter one’s attachment style and change our insecure attachment behaviors to develop a secure attachment.

Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable with intimacy, and they find it easy to get close to other people. They do not share the same negative feelings or fears as insecurely attached individuals, and thus those of us that are securely attached report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.1 This is true across cultures, even among individuals from Western and Eastern cultures.1 It is surprising to see that there are such similarities across the world, especially when comparing individualistic versus collectivistic societies.

One personality trait that is correlated with relationship satisfaction, independent of attachment style is personal commitment, or our desire for a particular partner and a particular relationship.1 For those of us with strong personal commitment, we report significantly higher rates of relationship satisfaction.1 This is yet another fact that should bring us all hope, because it means that if we want to continue to be in a particular relationship, that we are more likely to be satisfied in our relationship. It sounds simple, but it is unifying across all attachment styles. 

It is also important to remember, as always, that we have the power to change our attachment style, and we can earn a secure attachment style and find more relationship satisfaction if we are aware of our tendencies and work toward healthier patterns. 

1Ho, M., Chen, S., Bond, M., Hui, C., Chan, C., & Friedman, M. (2012). Linking Adult Attachment 

Styles to Relationship Satisfaction in Hong Kong and the United States: The Mediating

Role of Personal and Structural Commitment. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(3), 565–578. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-011-9279-1

Drinking Habits

If you’ve been following this blog, you’re well-aware that our attachment style significantly impacts many areas of our lives, from our relationship satisfaction to our stress levels during conflict, but did you know that our attachment style can even influence our drinking habits? Drinking habits affect our lifestyle choices, and they are often a big topic of discussion among those of us that are college-aged. Perhaps unsurprisingly, those of us that are insecurely attached tend to more negative habits, and we are far more likely to drink in excess and to experience alcohol dependency.

At this time, I feel that it is necessary to remind you all again that we have the ability to change our attachment style and to earn secure attachment. We are not stuck in our current attachment style for life, so if anything that you read sounds like you, don’t be scared, because the first step toward changing our attachment style is to recognize our own negative patterns, and consciously work toward more beneficial behaviors. There is hope, and a recent study found that nearly 1 in 4 individuals are able to earn secure attachment, and that number increases when individuals are aware of their attachment style and consciously work toward building secure attachment.2

Anxious attachment is associated with alcohol use and alcohol use disorders and dependency.1 Those of us that have high attachment anxiety are far more likely as well to consume alcohol as a means of coping with negative emotions.1 The pattern of using alcohol to cope with our own anxieties is not particularly healthy in the long run, as we can run a higher risk of developing alcohol problems. Increased alcohol consumption is more pronounced among those of us who are insecurely attached and in romantic relationships, as compared to single people.1 This means that those of us who are anxiously attached and in relationships might be more likely to drink as a means of coping with wanting to feel closer to our partners, while simultaneously coping with fears of rejection.1

Avoidant attachment has a less significant association with alcohol and alcohol use disorders, however those of us that are avoidantly attached are still more likely to have increased alcohol consumption when compared to those of us that are securely attached. For those of us that are avoidantly attached, alcohol is often used to distance ourselves from our partners, and we use alcohol to help us cope with our feelings of discomfort about intimacy and emotional closeness.1

I asked one anxiously-attached friend to recall if he ever used alcohol to cope with relationship troubles and he recounted this experience: 

“In my last relationship, I relied heavily on alcohol as a coping method when troubles arose between my partner and me. I found it nearly impossible to confront her and be open about the way I felt, especially when it involved her or her behavior. On top of this, the smallest issues would eat away at me for days, as long as I was awake to think about them. I turned to alcohol to combat this, as I usually loosened up and relaxed rather than needing to face my relationship issues.”

Alcohol is used in this way as a crutch for insecurely attached individuals to handle the challenges that we experience with emotional intimacy.1 A large characteristic of insecure attachment is struggling to form close bonds to romantic partners, and alcohol and other drugs are often used to help us to deal with these challenges when the emotional closeness seems too much to bear.1 If you’re wondering about marijuana use and attachment styles, stay tuned for an upcoming blog post where we’ll explore it in detail.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, using alcohol and other substances is not an ideal approach to coping with emotional difficulties, but luckily, we all have the ability to build secure attachment. Understanding that we are practicing negative patterns and then working to establish better patterns of communication with our partners can help us to achieve healthy levels of intimacy and closeness. These are scary steps to take, but they are extremely beneficial for those of us with insecure attachment styles, as they allow us to work toward earning secure attachment and all of the perks associated with a secure attachment style. 

1 Hocking, E. C., Simons, R. M., Simons, J. S., & Freeman, H. (2018). Adult attachment and drinking context as predictors of alcohol problems and relationship satisfaction in college students. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 44(3), 339–347. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/00952990.2017.1344682

2Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Social Media Use

Social media has become a daily part of life for many of us within the United States, and because of the increased use, much research has been done into the effects of social media on our mental and emotional wellbeing. However, did you know that our attachment style also plays a role in how we use social media, and how we present ourselves online?2 Lower relationship satisfaction, which is more common among those of us with insecure attachment, is also likely to lead to social media addiction, demonstrating once again the vast influence of our attachment style on the way we lead our daily lives.1

It is important at this point to remember that we all have the power to change our attachment style and work toward a secure attachment. Those of us that are insecurely attached do not have to be confined to our insecure attachment style for life, and acknowledging our patterns allows us to make conscious changes. 

With that said, there are some interesting patterns exhibited by individuals with different attachment styles on social media. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to emphasize certain aspects of our personality online, while downplaying others, and we are more likely to show a different side of ourselves in person versus online. Whereas, those of us that are securely attached are more likely to present the same face both online and in person.2 

Those of us that are avoidantly attached are more likely to enjoy blogging and using social media because it gives us the freedom to engage as much as we like and withdraw for a few days, or shut down the interaction entirely, if we begin to feel overly vulnerable.2

Those of us that are anxiously attached are three times more likely than securely attached individuals to reveal more personal information during online interactions.2 It is thought that those of us that are insecurely attached feel more comfortable being vulnerable online about the traits that we perceive to be “less desirable,” whereas we tend to hide these traits during in-person interactions.2  Interestingly, compared with those of us who have secure attachment styles, insecurely attached individuals are much more likely to believe that the people they interact with online would describe them negatively, and they are more likely to believe that the people who know them in-person would have positive opinions of them.1 This might be because those of us with insecure attachment are more open online about the aspects of our personality that we perceive to be less desirable, causing us to believe that the individuals who know the aspects of our personalities that we are insecure about will be more likely to describe us negatively.2

Those of us that are insecurely attached are also more likely to turn to social media for support, rather than our romantic partners. Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable relying primarily on our partners, but individuals that are insecurely attached are more likely to compensate for emotional and social support through social media use.1 I asked one friend about her patterns of social media use in her relationship, and she described some very healthy, secure attachment behaviors for her use of social media sites:

“[I] try not to make it seem like my life is all peaches and cream. However, I do not get on social media to complain and search for compliments and reassurance [about my relationship].”

Being aware of our patterns of social media use allows us to ensure that we are engaging in healthy patterns, and this allows us to consider what changes we might need to make while working toward practicing more secure attachment behaviors. Research on social media use and relationship satisfaction is also important to consider, and it is beneficial to be able to recognize when we are turning to social media for support rather than our partners. All of this can help us to work toward healthier attachment behaviors, more positive social media use, and can help us to build a stronger relationship.

1Jenkins-Guarnieri, M. A., Wright, S. L., & Johnson, B. D. (2013). The interrelationships among attachment style, personality traits, interpersonal competency, and Facebook use. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 2(2), 117–131. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0030946

2Trub, L. (2017). A portrait of the self in the digital age: Attachment, splitting, and self-concealment in online and offline self-presentation. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(1), 78–86. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/pap0000123

Stress Levels During Conflict

We know from prior blog posts that individuals with a secure attachment style have more positive relationship tendencies and handle conflict better, but did you know that those of us with insecure attachment styles actually experience a more significant stress response when discussing conflict with our partners?1 The quality of a relationship influences our physical health in addition to our mental and emotional wellbeing.1 The significance is so strong that people in healthy marriages with secure attachment have better physical and emotional health, and even experience fewer declines as they age.1 

This may sound like bad news for those of us that are insecurely attached, but we have to remember that it is possible to earn secure attachment and change our attachment style. There really is hope, just because we are insecurely attached at one point in our lives does not mean that we are doomed to remain that way! 

Most of us experience an increase in the level of cortisol—or stress hormone—in our blood stream when we get into conflict with our partners. It is normal to feel higher levels of stress or concern while fighting with someone important to us. However, those of us with insecure attachment styles experience significantly higher levels of cortisol compared to those of us that are securely attached, which is important to note because prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol can have negative effects on our physiological health and wellbeing.1

Those of us that are securely attached experience a less significant spike in our cortisol levels during conflict, and our cortisol levels return to normal much faster following a fight with our partner. These individuals are also better able to soothe their partner and solve conflict.1 This is consistent with the better emotional regulation and higher levels of partner support that are seen among those of us that are securely attached, and it provides a healthy goal for us all to work toward.

Those of us that are anxiously attached tend to experience relationship conflict as being more distressing than those of us that are avoidantly or securely attached. Male partners that are anxiously attached experience significantly higher levels of cortisol during and following fights with their partners, when compared to males with any other type of attachment.1 

The most significant stress response in women is seen among those with male partners that are avoidantly attached.1 This phenomenon in women is unique to most other attachment findings, as our partner’s attachment style can play a larger role in our stress response than our own attachment style does.1 This also indicates that women are generally more closely attuned to their partner’s emotions and behaviors than men.1 

Differences in gender aside, those of us that are anxiously attached still tend to have the most significant stress response, with avoidantly attached individuals following closely behind.1 This is all important to know because it can offer an explanation for our response to conflict, and it can also help us to better empathize with our partners while experiencing conflict.1 For those of us with partners that are insecurely attached, it is important to be responsive, gentle, loving, and patient with our partners, even during conflict. This can be challenging, but it is a good goal to work toward, and it can help to build secure attachment, which fosters the healthiest relationships, and can even improve one’s physical health.1

I asked one friend in a long-term committed relationship about any changes that she has noticed in her stress levels when she and her partner get into conflict now compared to when they first started dating and she recounted her experiences:

“In the 2.5 years we've been together, I have noticed us both becoming more comfortable with conflict, being able to talk about things without yelling or getting easily offended… with each fight, each opportunity to learn, and the more time we have together, the anxiety surrounding disagreements and fights and conflict does go down and makes our relationship stronger and the communication better.”

This friend is now securely attached, but recalls demonstrating anxiously-attached behaviors at the beginning of the relationship, providing a success story that proves that it is possible to change one’s attachment style and earn secure attachment. 

The most important thing to remember in all of this is that you have the power to change your attachment style. Just because you are insecurely attached now does not mean that you will be this way for the rest of your life, and merely being aware of one’s tendencies allows us to work toward a more secure attachment style. It is important to be patient with yourself and with your partner as you work toward secure attachment behaviors, as these changes do not occur overnight, and it can take a lot of hard work to get there. But, with a little elbow-grease and a lot of love, we can all earn secure attachment.

1Brooks, K. P., Robles, T. F., & Schetter, C. D. (2011). Adult attachment and cortisol responses to discussions with a romantic partner. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 302–320. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475 6811.2011.01357.x

Attracting a Partner

We have talked at length on this blog about how having a secure attachment style makes it easier to facilitate a healthy romantic relationship, but being securely attached also helps us to attract potential partners.1 It’s no secret that the majority of us are drawn to individuals who we perceive to be emotionally healthy. When we imagine a partner that we would like to end up with, most of us would describe them as having qualities such as being reliable, warm, trusting, and secure, which are all characteristics of those with a secure attachment style.1 But, as we know, many of us are not securely attached, and those of us with insecure attachment styles are still able to attract partners. This raises the question, what qualities allow insecurely attached individuals to attract partners?

It turns out that individuals who are insecurely attached possess many traits that are seen as desirable, despite our less optimal attachment style. Individuals that are anxiously attached are often initially perceived as being more caring, interested, and attentive to potential partners than individuals with different attachment styles, which can be extremely appealing.1 These individuals are also more likely to disclose personal information, which can make them come across as more communicative than those who are securely attached. 

Avoidantly-attached individuals are often appealing because they are seen as highly self-sufficient and independent, which are personality traits that are highly desirable in Western culture.1 Those of us who are avoidantly attached also tend to focus on the positive while minimizing unpleasantness during interactions, and we often use humor to keep interactions upbeat. These traits cause avoidantly attached individuals to be perceived as easy-going, upbeat, and low-maintenance. All of these qualities can be seen as desirable and help to attract potential partners. 

These behaviors are often played up by those of us with insecure attachment styles. I know that when I first start out in relationships, I will often attempt to appear more aloof and independent so that I don’t come across as “clingy,” which means not texting as often as I might want to, and deliberately allowing my partner to be the first to initiate contact. However, I have often found myself wanting to initiate contact, despite choosing not to, thus playing up my avoidant attachment style. 

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experiences early on in the dating process, and she reflected on her experiences:

“I definitely come off a little strong at first, I really like to open up and learn as much as I can about my partner at the beginning of relationships. Most guys I have been with have liked how attentive I am, but sometimes I do have to dial it back a bit.”

Being aware of these trends in behavior allows us to become more self-aware and mindful of whether we are engaging in insecure attachment behaviors, or false self-presentation, and it also allows us to be more aware of these behaviors in others.1 Everyone engages in false self-presentation to a degree when attempting to attract a new partner, but there are times where it can be damaging to the relationship at a later date. If an individual pretends to be a completely different person than they truly are to attract a partner, conflict is bound to happen down the line when this false self-presentation is revealed. 

However, this is nothing to be afraid of, as we are not confined to one attachment style for life. Just because we might present with these insecure attachment behaviors does not mean that we are doomed. We have the ability to develop a secure attachment style, and being aware of our behaviors is the first step toward establishing healthier patterns.

1 Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2010). Adult attachment and dating strategies: How do insecure people attract mates? Personal Relationships, 17(4), 599–614. 

https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01304.x