Drinking Habits

If you’ve been following this blog, you’re well-aware that our attachment style significantly impacts many areas of our lives, from our relationship satisfaction to our stress levels during conflict, but did you know that our attachment style can even influence our drinking habits? Drinking habits affect our lifestyle choices, and they are often a big topic of discussion among those of us that are college-aged. Perhaps unsurprisingly, those of us that are insecurely attached tend to more negative habits, and we are far more likely to drink in excess and to experience alcohol dependency.

At this time, I feel that it is necessary to remind you all again that we have the ability to change our attachment style and to earn secure attachment. We are not stuck in our current attachment style for life, so if anything that you read sounds like you, don’t be scared, because the first step toward changing our attachment style is to recognize our own negative patterns, and consciously work toward more beneficial behaviors. There is hope, and a recent study found that nearly 1 in 4 individuals are able to earn secure attachment, and that number increases when individuals are aware of their attachment style and consciously work toward building secure attachment.2

Anxious attachment is associated with alcohol use and alcohol use disorders and dependency.1 Those of us that have high attachment anxiety are far more likely as well to consume alcohol as a means of coping with negative emotions.1 The pattern of using alcohol to cope with our own anxieties is not particularly healthy in the long run, as we can run a higher risk of developing alcohol problems. Increased alcohol consumption is more pronounced among those of us who are insecurely attached and in romantic relationships, as compared to single people.1 This means that those of us who are anxiously attached and in relationships might be more likely to drink as a means of coping with wanting to feel closer to our partners, while simultaneously coping with fears of rejection.1

Avoidant attachment has a less significant association with alcohol and alcohol use disorders, however those of us that are avoidantly attached are still more likely to have increased alcohol consumption when compared to those of us that are securely attached. For those of us that are avoidantly attached, alcohol is often used to distance ourselves from our partners, and we use alcohol to help us cope with our feelings of discomfort about intimacy and emotional closeness.1

I asked one anxiously-attached friend to recall if he ever used alcohol to cope with relationship troubles and he recounted this experience: 

“In my last relationship, I relied heavily on alcohol as a coping method when troubles arose between my partner and me. I found it nearly impossible to confront her and be open about the way I felt, especially when it involved her or her behavior. On top of this, the smallest issues would eat away at me for days, as long as I was awake to think about them. I turned to alcohol to combat this, as I usually loosened up and relaxed rather than needing to face my relationship issues.”

Alcohol is used in this way as a crutch for insecurely attached individuals to handle the challenges that we experience with emotional intimacy.1 A large characteristic of insecure attachment is struggling to form close bonds to romantic partners, and alcohol and other drugs are often used to help us to deal with these challenges when the emotional closeness seems too much to bear.1 If you’re wondering about marijuana use and attachment styles, stay tuned for an upcoming blog post where we’ll explore it in detail.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, using alcohol and other substances is not an ideal approach to coping with emotional difficulties, but luckily, we all have the ability to build secure attachment. Understanding that we are practicing negative patterns and then working to establish better patterns of communication with our partners can help us to achieve healthy levels of intimacy and closeness. These are scary steps to take, but they are extremely beneficial for those of us with insecure attachment styles, as they allow us to work toward earning secure attachment and all of the perks associated with a secure attachment style. 

1 Hocking, E. C., Simons, R. M., Simons, J. S., & Freeman, H. (2018). Adult attachment and drinking context as predictors of alcohol problems and relationship satisfaction in college students. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 44(3), 339–347. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/00952990.2017.1344682

2Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Social Media Use

Social media has become a daily part of life for many of us within the United States, and because of the increased use, much research has been done into the effects of social media on our mental and emotional wellbeing. However, did you know that our attachment style also plays a role in how we use social media, and how we present ourselves online?2 Lower relationship satisfaction, which is more common among those of us with insecure attachment, is also likely to lead to social media addiction, demonstrating once again the vast influence of our attachment style on the way we lead our daily lives.1

It is important at this point to remember that we all have the power to change our attachment style and work toward a secure attachment. Those of us that are insecurely attached do not have to be confined to our insecure attachment style for life, and acknowledging our patterns allows us to make conscious changes. 

With that said, there are some interesting patterns exhibited by individuals with different attachment styles on social media. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to emphasize certain aspects of our personality online, while downplaying others, and we are more likely to show a different side of ourselves in person versus online. Whereas, those of us that are securely attached are more likely to present the same face both online and in person.2 

Those of us that are avoidantly attached are more likely to enjoy blogging and using social media because it gives us the freedom to engage as much as we like and withdraw for a few days, or shut down the interaction entirely, if we begin to feel overly vulnerable.2

Those of us that are anxiously attached are three times more likely than securely attached individuals to reveal more personal information during online interactions.2 It is thought that those of us that are insecurely attached feel more comfortable being vulnerable online about the traits that we perceive to be “less desirable,” whereas we tend to hide these traits during in-person interactions.2  Interestingly, compared with those of us who have secure attachment styles, insecurely attached individuals are much more likely to believe that the people they interact with online would describe them negatively, and they are more likely to believe that the people who know them in-person would have positive opinions of them.1 This might be because those of us with insecure attachment are more open online about the aspects of our personality that we perceive to be less desirable, causing us to believe that the individuals who know the aspects of our personalities that we are insecure about will be more likely to describe us negatively.2

Those of us that are insecurely attached are also more likely to turn to social media for support, rather than our romantic partners. Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable relying primarily on our partners, but individuals that are insecurely attached are more likely to compensate for emotional and social support through social media use.1 I asked one friend about her patterns of social media use in her relationship, and she described some very healthy, secure attachment behaviors for her use of social media sites:

“[I] try not to make it seem like my life is all peaches and cream. However, I do not get on social media to complain and search for compliments and reassurance [about my relationship].”

Being aware of our patterns of social media use allows us to ensure that we are engaging in healthy patterns, and this allows us to consider what changes we might need to make while working toward practicing more secure attachment behaviors. Research on social media use and relationship satisfaction is also important to consider, and it is beneficial to be able to recognize when we are turning to social media for support rather than our partners. All of this can help us to work toward healthier attachment behaviors, more positive social media use, and can help us to build a stronger relationship.

1Jenkins-Guarnieri, M. A., Wright, S. L., & Johnson, B. D. (2013). The interrelationships among attachment style, personality traits, interpersonal competency, and Facebook use. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 2(2), 117–131. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0030946

2Trub, L. (2017). A portrait of the self in the digital age: Attachment, splitting, and self-concealment in online and offline self-presentation. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(1), 78–86. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/pap0000123

Stress Levels During Conflict

We know from prior blog posts that individuals with a secure attachment style have more positive relationship tendencies and handle conflict better, but did you know that those of us with insecure attachment styles actually experience a more significant stress response when discussing conflict with our partners?1 The quality of a relationship influences our physical health in addition to our mental and emotional wellbeing.1 The significance is so strong that people in healthy marriages with secure attachment have better physical and emotional health, and even experience fewer declines as they age.1 

This may sound like bad news for those of us that are insecurely attached, but we have to remember that it is possible to earn secure attachment and change our attachment style. There really is hope, just because we are insecurely attached at one point in our lives does not mean that we are doomed to remain that way! 

Most of us experience an increase in the level of cortisol—or stress hormone—in our blood stream when we get into conflict with our partners. It is normal to feel higher levels of stress or concern while fighting with someone important to us. However, those of us with insecure attachment styles experience significantly higher levels of cortisol compared to those of us that are securely attached, which is important to note because prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol can have negative effects on our physiological health and wellbeing.1

Those of us that are securely attached experience a less significant spike in our cortisol levels during conflict, and our cortisol levels return to normal much faster following a fight with our partner. These individuals are also better able to soothe their partner and solve conflict.1 This is consistent with the better emotional regulation and higher levels of partner support that are seen among those of us that are securely attached, and it provides a healthy goal for us all to work toward.

Those of us that are anxiously attached tend to experience relationship conflict as being more distressing than those of us that are avoidantly or securely attached. Male partners that are anxiously attached experience significantly higher levels of cortisol during and following fights with their partners, when compared to males with any other type of attachment.1 

The most significant stress response in women is seen among those with male partners that are avoidantly attached.1 This phenomenon in women is unique to most other attachment findings, as our partner’s attachment style can play a larger role in our stress response than our own attachment style does.1 This also indicates that women are generally more closely attuned to their partner’s emotions and behaviors than men.1 

Differences in gender aside, those of us that are anxiously attached still tend to have the most significant stress response, with avoidantly attached individuals following closely behind.1 This is all important to know because it can offer an explanation for our response to conflict, and it can also help us to better empathize with our partners while experiencing conflict.1 For those of us with partners that are insecurely attached, it is important to be responsive, gentle, loving, and patient with our partners, even during conflict. This can be challenging, but it is a good goal to work toward, and it can help to build secure attachment, which fosters the healthiest relationships, and can even improve one’s physical health.1

I asked one friend in a long-term committed relationship about any changes that she has noticed in her stress levels when she and her partner get into conflict now compared to when they first started dating and she recounted her experiences:

“In the 2.5 years we've been together, I have noticed us both becoming more comfortable with conflict, being able to talk about things without yelling or getting easily offended… with each fight, each opportunity to learn, and the more time we have together, the anxiety surrounding disagreements and fights and conflict does go down and makes our relationship stronger and the communication better.”

This friend is now securely attached, but recalls demonstrating anxiously-attached behaviors at the beginning of the relationship, providing a success story that proves that it is possible to change one’s attachment style and earn secure attachment. 

The most important thing to remember in all of this is that you have the power to change your attachment style. Just because you are insecurely attached now does not mean that you will be this way for the rest of your life, and merely being aware of one’s tendencies allows us to work toward a more secure attachment style. It is important to be patient with yourself and with your partner as you work toward secure attachment behaviors, as these changes do not occur overnight, and it can take a lot of hard work to get there. But, with a little elbow-grease and a lot of love, we can all earn secure attachment.

1Brooks, K. P., Robles, T. F., & Schetter, C. D. (2011). Adult attachment and cortisol responses to discussions with a romantic partner. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 302–320. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475 6811.2011.01357.x

Attracting a Partner

We have talked at length on this blog about how having a secure attachment style makes it easier to facilitate a healthy romantic relationship, but being securely attached also helps us to attract potential partners.1 It’s no secret that the majority of us are drawn to individuals who we perceive to be emotionally healthy. When we imagine a partner that we would like to end up with, most of us would describe them as having qualities such as being reliable, warm, trusting, and secure, which are all characteristics of those with a secure attachment style.1 But, as we know, many of us are not securely attached, and those of us with insecure attachment styles are still able to attract partners. This raises the question, what qualities allow insecurely attached individuals to attract partners?

It turns out that individuals who are insecurely attached possess many traits that are seen as desirable, despite our less optimal attachment style. Individuals that are anxiously attached are often initially perceived as being more caring, interested, and attentive to potential partners than individuals with different attachment styles, which can be extremely appealing.1 These individuals are also more likely to disclose personal information, which can make them come across as more communicative than those who are securely attached. 

Avoidantly-attached individuals are often appealing because they are seen as highly self-sufficient and independent, which are personality traits that are highly desirable in Western culture.1 Those of us who are avoidantly attached also tend to focus on the positive while minimizing unpleasantness during interactions, and we often use humor to keep interactions upbeat. These traits cause avoidantly attached individuals to be perceived as easy-going, upbeat, and low-maintenance. All of these qualities can be seen as desirable and help to attract potential partners. 

These behaviors are often played up by those of us with insecure attachment styles. I know that when I first start out in relationships, I will often attempt to appear more aloof and independent so that I don’t come across as “clingy,” which means not texting as often as I might want to, and deliberately allowing my partner to be the first to initiate contact. However, I have often found myself wanting to initiate contact, despite choosing not to, thus playing up my avoidant attachment style. 

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experiences early on in the dating process, and she reflected on her experiences:

“I definitely come off a little strong at first, I really like to open up and learn as much as I can about my partner at the beginning of relationships. Most guys I have been with have liked how attentive I am, but sometimes I do have to dial it back a bit.”

Being aware of these trends in behavior allows us to become more self-aware and mindful of whether we are engaging in insecure attachment behaviors, or false self-presentation, and it also allows us to be more aware of these behaviors in others.1 Everyone engages in false self-presentation to a degree when attempting to attract a new partner, but there are times where it can be damaging to the relationship at a later date. If an individual pretends to be a completely different person than they truly are to attract a partner, conflict is bound to happen down the line when this false self-presentation is revealed. 

However, this is nothing to be afraid of, as we are not confined to one attachment style for life. Just because we might present with these insecure attachment behaviors does not mean that we are doomed. We have the ability to develop a secure attachment style, and being aware of our behaviors is the first step toward establishing healthier patterns.

1 Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2010). Adult attachment and dating strategies: How do insecure people attract mates? Personal Relationships, 17(4), 599–614. 

https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01304.x

“Girl, what’d he do?”: A College Student’s Guide to Comforting Your Distraught Friends (by Merci Sugai)

From dramatic plotlines in shows like Gossip Girl and Scandal to Tristan Thompson’s very public infidelity with Jordyn Woods, cheating is presented throughout social media, television, and popular movies. Cheating is truly ingrained in our culture. I’m sure you or your friends have experienced infidelity sometime throughout these few years at CSU. Unfortunately, it is incredibly common for many relationships. Marriage and relationship research shows us that 25% of committed relationships experience some form of infidelity.¹  

Personally, I have never had a relationship end because of cheating, but I have had countless friends and peers confide in me that they have experienced their partners being unfaithful. As a friend and future helping professional, I want to do all in my power to help them through these difficult times, as they deal with infidelity. Although a pint of ice cream and a sad movie might be temporarily healing, research shows that being cheated on can actually have long term effects on all relationships, including future romantic partners, family, friends, and future children.¹ Because these effects might need more guidance than a face mask and a hug (although these are nice gestures), us HDFS students need to learn the most appropriate ways to comfort and guide our peers through these tough times of infidelity.

First, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge your friend’s behavior through an attachment lens. People with high attachment anxiety might express more aggressive behaviors after discovering their partner’s infidelity¹, so you as a confidant might need to give them space to express their emotions. After you allow them time to breathe, you could sit and brainstorm with them about things that might be triggering, such as seeing pictures of their ex-partner or hearing a certain song that reminds them of an ex. Invite your friend to recognize the triggers and talk through them with you. Instead of telling them to block their ex’s number, try advising your highly attachment-anxious friends to channel their anger into journaling, exercising, or artistic expression.¹

However, if your friend or peer has a more secure attachment style, it is easy to think that they might bounce back quicker than others with attachment anxiety or avoidance. It’s also easy to fall into gendered stereotypes, believing that men expressing emotional distress after a break-up is irregular. Research conducted on 400+ college students with a variety of attachment styles demonstrated that 60% of men with insecure attachment styles and 42% of men with secure attachment styles said sexual infidelity was the most distressing challenge that could hinder a relationship.² This essentially means that, regardless of the subject’s sex and attachment style, cheating brought out the most intense emotions compared to any other potential roadblock (such as long distance or unexpected illness) in a romantic relationships.

What if your friend still wants to date their unfaithful partner? How could you still be supportive? Even if this is not the choice that you personally would have made, it is still important to recognize and be aware of the advice you could give your friend in this situation. One way to advise your friend is presenting options for couple’s therapy. As college students, this may not be something that is feasible at the moment, but long-term partnerships should consider therapy, even if the infidelity occurred while they were still in college. Couple’s therapy, specifically couples therapy after an infidelity, is challenging but proven to be better in long-term relationship satisfaction.³ Therapists can cognitively map out the couple’s goals, both in the present and for years to follow; this can be extremely rewarding and beneficial for the well-being and relationship of couples who have experienced infidelity.³ This cognitive behavioral therapy may not be for everyone, but as a friend, it is important to bring up this possibility to someone who chooses to remain with their partner after they have cheated.

It’s important to recognize that grief from a lost relationship looks different for every human. But, research proves that infidelity impacts everyone in some way, regardless of attachment style or gender.² Look out for your friends and peers and remind them that they aren’t alone in their heartbreak. We as college students can provide more than just chocolate during a breakup; we can nurture our peers as they navigate through mistrust and re-shaping a relationship. Check on your friends (more than once), validate their emotions, actually listen to what they’re saying, and ask about their feelings. Reassure them that they are not alone, and work on ways that they can channel their emotions in a healthy and confident way. Cheating is incredibly challenging and heartbreaking, but we can take steps to help our friends re-build stronger and better relationships in the future.  

¹Tagler, M. J., & Gentry, R. H. (2011). Gender, jealousy, and attachment: A (more) thorough examination across measures and samples. Journal of Research in Personality, 45(6), 697-701.

²Wang, C.-C. D., King, M. L., & Debernardi, N. R. (2012). Adult attachment, cognitive appraisal, and university students’ reactions to romantic infidelity. Journal of College Counseling, 15(2), 101-116.

³Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Synder, D. K. (2008). Optimal strategies in couple therapy: Treating couples dealing with the trauma of infidelity. Contemporary Psychotherapy, 38, 151-160.

To all the Single Ladies (and Guys) by Lauren Fredeen

Do you find yourself pushing yourself away from every potential partner that you start to get close to? Do you shy away from commitment because you want to keep your independence? Or do you feel that you experience love as a form of obsession, yet find that relationships rarely meet your expectations? Many people find themselves opting for singlehood for numerous reasons. Attachment style is not only an important aspect in relationships but is also a major factor in being single. Singlehood is very common in college as college students often prefer short-term, casual relationships over long-term relationships because it allows them to focus on their academic and career goals, as well as spend time with friends.[1]

One research article describes two types of attachment systems that cause people to choose singlehood, including attachment-system deactivation and attachment-system hyperactivation.[2] Attachment-system deactivation is associated with an avoidant attachment style. Individuals with this attachment style often display reluctance to getting close with others and maintain emotional distance. Individuals with attachment-system deactivation often report not believing in love, expect relationship failure, have low commitment, and have low romantic interest when interacting with potential partners. Due to these common behaviors and beliefs, these individuals are less likely to be in a committed relationship and are more likely to avoid new relationships after a break-up.[2]  I interviewed a friend who seems to fit into this category of attachment:

“I have a desire to be with someone, but for some reason I always find myself pushing people away once we start talking. I think I am just afraid to lose my independence and my ability to hang out with friends as much. I have definitely talked to my fair share of guys that seem to do everything right, yet I still always find myself acting distant and eventually ending it. I’m not sure why!”

I personally also identify with this type of attachment style. Despite being attracted to the idea of having a romantic partner, I always push potential partners away. Even in the long-term relationships I have been in, I felt like something was missing from the relationships and decided to end the relationships so that I could have more independence and spend more time focusing on myself.

In contrast to attachment-system deactivation, people who have attachment-system hyperactivation have high attachment anxiety and often seek closeness to romantic partners but hold negative expectations of partners and think that their partners will not reciprocate their efforts.[2]  People with this attachment style are characterized by experiencing love as a form of obsession and constantly worry about rejection, abandonment, and disapproval. They also often experience jealousy, low trust, and can undermine relationships due to clinginess. People with this type of attachment style are also typically rated as less attractive by potential partners.[2]  One of the friends who I interviewed displayed this type of attachment style when she said:

“I feel like no matter how hard I try to make relationships work, the guys who I talk to don’t seem to put in the same effort. My most recent relationship ended because he said I was too clingy and didn’t trust him when he wanted to do his own thing.”

People with an anxious attachment style overall put in great effort to find relationship partners, but feel dejected and disappointed in the unavailability of a romantic relationship. These individuals will unintentionally undermine their relationships, but report more fear of being single.[2] 

It is also important to note that singlehood does not always reflect difficulties in relationships but may be a secure personal choice.[2]  Intentionally choosing to be single is associated with satisfaction, self-fulfillment, and personal autonomy. In comparison, being single, but not by choice, is associated with regret and dissatisfaction. Overall there is nothing wrong with being single and ultimately allows people to focus on school, careers, and self-care. However, research has found that being single does not negate the need for close relationships. It is still important to maintain close relationships with friends and family in order to experience fulfillment and satisfaction with being single.[2] 

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[1] Fishel, H. (n.d.). 7 Surprising College Dating Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/E6F6928C/7-Surprising-College-Dating-Statistics/

[2] Pepping, C. A., MacDonald, G. & Davis, P. J. (2018). Toward a psychology of singlehood: An attachment-theory perspective on long-term singlehood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 27(5). Retrieved from 10.1177/0963721417752106