No One is Perfect: The Truth about an Anxious Attachment Style

Now that we have shown you what secure attachment in relationships looks like, I’m gonna lay out some specifics on the anxious attachment style and hints to know if that describes you in relationships. So what does it mean to be “anxious”? It is exactly what it sounds like, which means there’s a lot of worrying, over-thinking and need for reassurance involved in relationships for those of us with an anxious attachment style.

        An anxious attachment, in a simple definition, is idealizing everything about your partner while at the same time doubting your ability to be a good partner to them1. As you can imagine, that sets you up to spend a lot of time worrying and not so much time just enjoying the relationship. When it comes to conflict, there are some similarities between secure and anxious, but those who are anxious struggle more with vulnerability due to the fear of pushing partners away2. Those with anxious attachments will stay emotionally in-check for external issues, but when it comes to internal issues, it’s a whole different story. They are more likely to:

• Hold these issues in due to fear of pushing partners away
• Have complete freak-outs when issues do get brought up
• Bring up irrelevant issues during arguments
• Become confrontational and
• Have a negative overall view on the conversation being had.

These people are also likely to bring up many intimate details about themselves early on, find falling in love easy, seek extreme closeness, and invest highly in their relationships2.

        At this point you might be thinking “that sounds horrible, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone that worrisome” or, if you’re like me, you may be thinking more along the lines of “uh oh, that sounds like what I do.” I was in a relationship for four years with a wonderful guy but unfortunately, it ended because we stopped being able to open up with one another and our problems became bigger than our desire to fix them. Afterwards, I became lost and lonely, and jumped into a new relationship just a few months after. This new boyfriend was completely different in that he was very self-centered, independent and laid back (a nice way of saying he didn’t really care). So our relationship became that way too, and it just solidified the emotional repression in me that ended my last relationship. This new boyfriend was bad for me in that he didn’t really care to hear about my problems, he especially didn’t want to discuss ours as a couple, and he was a firm believer in “time fixes everything” rather than communication. Jumping from a solid relationship to a very toxic one like this made my anxious attachment habits much more permanent. I repressed my emotions, worried about losing him over stupid little things, would bring up irrelevant stuff during our fights and would get super hostile at random times. Needless to say, we broke up, but that anxious attachment style that surfaced in myself is something I’m still working on to this day.

        However, I don’t want you guys to worry if you have an anxious attachment style. The way I look at it, it just means we absolutely have potential for a secure attachment, we just need a little extra self-confidence and to push ourselves to be vulnerable. To love is to be vulnerable, and that’s a beautiful thing! Force yourself to not only see the greatness in your partner, but also yourself. And don’t be afraid to bring up your worries to your partner, because their response will show you that they either love and support you (which should get you to a more secure attachment) or prove that you need to show them the door. At the same time, utilize all of your support systems so you have more people to  help you get everything in your head out into the world and to avoid overwhelming your partner. The best thing for someone who is anxious is to be with someone who accepts your worries until they no longer consume you.

How does a secure attachment affect relationships?

With all this talk about attachment style, you might be wondering what exactly is a secure attachment and what might this look like in every day life? Well to begin with, individuals have either a secure or insecure attachment in close relationships, and the insecure attachment can be further categorized. These insecure attachments will be explored later! So, with this information I should point out that attachment is not an individual trait, but is a quality that is variable to change in differing relationships¹.

I definitely noticed this when reflecting back on my own relationships. I dated my ex boyfriend for four years and had a secure attachment with him. We had our arguments, but we were able to work through issues in mature ways, together. Not only is being in a relationship a learning experience, but it is also an opportunity to learn how to be securely attached to one another. I felt securely attached in this relationship with my ex, but I did not feel this way with a guy whom I recently dated for two months. I knew from the beginning that he did not have a secure attachment with his parents based on our previous conversations about our families, and this affected me, and us as a couple, in the dynamics of the relationship. He would instigate conflict and have irrational trust issues. It never felt like we were a team. Even though I have secure attachments with my parents and many of my friends, this relationship made me want to shut down and avoid confrontation. I think it is intriguing how unhealthy relationships can make one feel crazy and not in touch with themselves.

So, based on my past experiences and knowledge of current research I am writing this post to give a small glimpse at what a secure attachment in a relationship can look like and how it affects the relationship. You can tell when there is attachment security because conflict discussions will be effective and your significant other will show supportive behavior². Being supportive of your partner is so important because this will encourage them to turn to you during the hard times. You want to be their go-to person! Offering reassurance and comfort are signs of a secure attachment. Given the same scenario, individuals who are securely attached will expect that support to be available because they feel confident in confiding in their significant other². Support and conflict resolution are what researchers call dyadic, which means that individual behavior is often influenced and reflected by a partner’s behavior. Partners will provide mutual support for each other, and build off of each other’s support methods through regulating emotions together³. Additionally, having a secure attachment allows individuals to feel confident about themselves and about the relationship, which allows for the trust to flourish. Trust and open communication can go a long way. Here are just a few tips to consider that will help you and your current (or future) significant other navigate the hard times and foster that secure attachment:

1.     Taking a step back from the situation is okay! Everyone needs a breather once in awhile to gather their thoughts and re-evaluate the situation.

2.     Remember that arguments are not about pointing fingers or who can come out on top. try using statements such as “I feel…” or “It upsets me when…”. Argue as a team! The relationship will be stronger as a result.

3.     Validating each other’s feelings is important. Feelings are never right or wrong, and sometimes they don’t even make sense! Acknowledging how your partner feels will allow you to step into their shoes.

4.     Be mature and be able to admit when you’ve done something wrong. This will be very appreciated by your significant other!

5.     At the end of it all, just remember that you love this person. You want what is best for them and they want what is best for you. Be grateful for the arguments and disagreements you get to have with them because honestly, life is too short to be fighting over a forgotten date night or why the trash is never taken out.

What is the Secret Ingredient for Success in a Romantic Relationship?

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly go through the ups and downs of relationships? Almost as if they are able to handle whatever situation they may be going through with their lover, no matter how hard?  There have been a couple of relationships that have stood out to me as ones that seem to stay steady throughout the absolute worst of times, and I often find myself wondering what the special ingredient is. I vividly remember one instance in which my parents were talking about finances and things were pretty intense.  I can clearly picture the moment in which my dad reassured my mom, who was anxious and frustrated.  The moment he told her everything would be ok, she relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.  The trust that she had in him was solid, despite her initial concerns about money.  As I was watching this, I was astounded at how my mom was able to shift, and trust in him.  I would’ve continued to freak out for at least a good 30 more minutes, and the fact that my mom didn’t absolutely blew my mind.

            Interactions like these are the ones that get my head spinning about how some people seem to have such trust and security in their relationship, while others can barely let their partner walk in or out the door without wanting to check in with them about every encounter they had that day.  How do we become so faithful and confident in a relationship?  What is this secret ingredient for success? After some research and personal investigation, I have come to find that this secret ingredient may be one’s attachment style.

            What is an attachment style you might ask? Well, I’m here to lay it all out for you! Lucky you! Attachment was first described by Bowlby as the emotional bond formed between a child and their caregiver, beginning in infancy¹.  The safety of this initial bond has many implications on our future relationships.  These interactions that we have as kids with our caregivers begin to form our mental expectations (or what Bowlby called “internal working models”) of what relationships should look like. We carry our initial models of relationships with us into adolescence and adulthood, revising them as we go, and they form the basis for how we attach to others.¹  And, depending on the type of experiences and attachments one has had in life, these attachment styles can look pretty different in romantic relationships.  So, for example, do we feel trusting, secure, and comfortable in a relationship or do we consistently worry about the availability of and trustworthiness of our partners?². Like it or not, the beliefs we developed as a child influence how we interact with and respond to relationships in our everyday lives as adults.   

            By now, you’re probably contemplating what your own attachment style and beliefs are and how they affect your dating life.  Well, don’t worry! We are here to help! Over the next couple of weeks, we will be laying out each different type of attachment, what they mean, and how to know if they apply to you.  Be sure to stay tuned!