Gas on the Fire

Though the term ‘gaslighting’ has only been around for a few years now, psychological aggression and abuse have been around for much longer. Gaslighting is when someone is manipulated using psychological abuse/aggression causing them to question their sanity. This type of psychological aggression often coincides with emotional abuse as well. Most often, especially on college campuses, gaslighting can be seen as a predominant issue in relationships. I remember learning all about what gaslighting is, and how to detect it during my freshman-year orientation. 

People often look at individuals who gaslight others are these terrible individuals, who just want to manipulate and ruin relationships on purpose. But, over the course of my college education and after taking a variety of classes that talk about relationships and attachment, there may be more to the story. I was curious to see if there was a correlation between those who gaslight individuals and their attachment styles. So I asked my friends about their experiences with gaslighting and did some research on the topic as well. 

The first thing I noticed was that the term “gaslighting” is hard to find in research journals, so instead, I substituted “gaslighting” for “psychological aggression and/or abuse”. With that, I found loads of journals that talked about how there was indeed a relationship between gaslighting and attachment styles, especially when it comes to insecure attachment. A study done by Cheche-Hoover & Jackson (2021) found that individuals with insecure attachment styles are more prone to behave aggressively with partners due to maladaptive behaviors that come from their attachment style. With all of that in mind, I talked with one of my sister's friends who had just gone through a breakup. I started by asking her if she knew what her attachment style is and if she knew what gaslighting was.

“If I remember anything from my classes, I think I have an anxious attachment style. I also vaguely know what gaslighting is but I couldn't give you an exact definition of it. I  would say it when someone like says things to you to try and screw with you like they are playing mind games on you.”

I followed by asking her about her breakup and if she thought that gaslighting maybe played a role in the relationship dissolving.

“I do think there was some gaslighting involved in our relationship. We were both guilty of it. Although I wasn't purposely trying to gaslight him [her boyfriend], I do think I did so a little bit because I was trying to pry some kind of emotion out of him, as he just “shut off” there at the end. He definitely gaslighted me into thinking that I was just paranoid and being over-reactive about the whole thing, making me feel like I was losing my mind over nothing, despite there very clearly being a problem.”

Talking about the different types of insecure attachment, individuals who have anxious attachment or avoidant attachment might turn to gaslighting if they feel threatened in their relationships, as they might not know how to properly handle their feelings (Gewirtz-Meydan & Finzi-Dottan, 2021). With that said, the correlation between gaslighting and anxious attachment or avoidant attachment is much lower than the correlation between gaslighting and disorganized attachment. This might be due to the way those with disorganized attachments use psychological aggression to regulate their negative emotions and get responses from their partners (Cheche-Hoover & Jackson, 2021). 

“I think between my anxious attachment and his insecure attachment, the manipulation we put each other through was just more gas on the fire [she smirks at me], get it… gaslighting, gas on the fire. I’m hilarious.”

And while she can laugh about her experience with gaslighting, this isn't common for everyone. Gaslighting is a serious issue in relationships and can do a lot of harm if it's not dealt with. CSU has a lot of resources available for students who are struggling with issues like this and I encourage everyone to use them if they feel like they are struggling. I’ll attach some links to some resources that are here to help us through those hard times!

CSU Resources:

- https://wgac.colostate.edu/ 

- https://wgac.colostate.edu/involvement/victim-assistance-team-volunteers/

- https://health.colostate.edu/about-counseling-services/

- https://health.colostate.edu/ 

- https://www.chhs.colostate.edu/cfct/ 

- https://supportandsafety.colostate.edu/resources/

Sports, Stress, Satisfaction

    I believe that a big part of the college experience is college athletics. Do I play college sports? Nope. But having a school to root for and games to go to have made my time at college a lot more fun. Of course, none of that would be possible if it weren't for the student-athletes that have spent their whole lives competing and working hard to get to the collegiate level. That said, I have always wondered if being a student-athlete has any effects on their relationships. Is it harder to manage them? Is it easier to find potential partners? Do their attachment styles have any special effects on their behaviors? 

    It turns out that although similar to the average college student, student-athletes tend to have heightened reactions associated with their attachment style (Felton & Jowett, 2017). For example, athletes who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles, are more likely to have reduced well-being and substantially increased ill-being. In addition, these athletes report a higher potential for negative interpersonal behaviors, such as a lack of support from coaches or teammates. This can cause strain on their attachment style and ultimately affect all of their relationships, even those outside of the sports teams (Felton & Jowett, 2017). 

    One of my closest friends plays club soccer for CSU. She has played all four years so far of her college career and will play her fifth and final season this upcoming fall. Overall. she reports loving her time playing for CSU and the friends she had made:

“I love my team more than I can even tell you. It is like a family away from my family. I feel a sense of belonging when I am with them like I can be myself. I know that they have my back and I have theirs. I would trust those people with my life.” 

    It is very clear that my friend feels at home with her soccer team. But despite all of these positive feelings, some negative ones still manage to find their way into her life as a student-athlete. 

“There is this overwhelming pressure to perform at one of the highest levels. I don’t want to let my team down, I don’t want to let my coaches down. I think that my stress is definitely amplified in my soccer world vs my ‘normal’ world. It's like there is this extra pressure to not only do my best but to also meet everyone's expectations of me. And when things don't go well, everyone in my life suffers, not just my team, as I shut myself out of all relationships.”

    What my friend is experiencing, according to Felton’s study, is not at all rare, and is in fact common in student-athletes. It is normal for these individuals to feel amplified feelings of stress in relation to their sport-specific outcomes, like their ability to meet their performance self-expectations (Felton & Jowett, 2017). These feelings of stress are present in all types of attachment styles in student-athletes but are seen in higher levels of those specifically with avoidant attachment. These individuals with avoidant attachment feel a greater need for affirmation from coaches, parents, and teammates to feel satisfaction. 

“I just want to make everyone happy. I want my team to be proud of me as a player and to be happy that I am on the team. Soccer stress is definitely bigger than my other stress but when things go right,  my “soccer satisfaction” is also more rewarding than others.”

    So, kudos to all of you student-athletes out there. I can only imagine how crazy it is to balance not only school stress but sports stress and just overall life stress too. I hope learning a little bit about how different attachment styles can amplify stressors in sports can bring an understanding of what might be going on behind the scenes. Best of luck in any and all of your games, meets, or matches! Go Rams!

Dangers of Dating Apps

As today’s world continues to move towards a more technological-based one, we find the internet being incorporated into pretty much every part of our lives. One area in specific that has been and continues to go more virtual is dating. Online dating apps, though around for quite some time now, have been gaining popularity over the last couple of years (Phan et al., 2021). While they can be helpful for finding romantic partners, or even just new friends, dating apps are beginning to pose a lot of threats to users.

Before I discuss the statistics, let's talk about one of my co-workers, we will call her Nicki for confidentiality purposes, and her experience with dating apps. After sitting down with her, I asked how her recent experiences with online dating had been going. “Ummm, not terrible, but also not good,” was the first thing out of her mouth. When I asked her to elaborate on what was not going well, the conversation opened up a great deal.

“Dating apps are hard because I feel like 90 percent of the time, people are just using them for quick hookups or to tear people down. The majority of people I match with, both male and female, make it clear from the get-go that they are just looking for sex, no strings attached. I don't have a problem with that but what tends to happen when I say no or let them know I’m looking for something serious, is I get harassed and bullied. They bring up my physical features and that I’m not even that “good looking” for them, blah blah blah. Or is just getting d**k pics with no context. It's stupid and it's super sucky too.”

Unfortunately, Nicki’s experience is not an isolated one. Many people use dating apps for quick hookups leading to users being twice as likely to engage in risky behaviors like unprotected sex, and if turned down, they often respond with mean derogatory words (Phan et al., 2021). In addition, dating apps are also common places of sexual objectification, which means that individuals are only thought of as a collection of sexual body parts and nothing else. This can be super detrimental as well as it takes away what makes each person unique and objectifies them in a negative and harmful way (Phan, 2021). Likewise, women are more likely to experience hostile interactions with males online through things like inappropriate pictures, offensive comments, and even threats. 

“It's just really hard sometimes [using dating apps] because I have had good experiences, but as of late, those are becoming few and far between. I understand that dating apps are a fast way to find someone for a one-night stand, I just don't get why people have to be so mean when you tell them that's not something you are looking for. Like come on people, have some respect.”

What is interesting is that individuals with certain attachment types are also more likely to use dating apps. Secure and anxious attachments are more likely to use dating apps whereas avoidant and insecure are not (Chin et al., 2019). Thinking about the mean remarks made on the apps, since those with anxious attachments were more likely to have and use dating apps and these individuals are insecure about themselves, it might be a reason why they lash out at others when rejected. 

Is this to say that all experiences with dating apps are bad? No, it is a good idea to understand the dangers that can come from the use of dating apps, but they can actually be really good for creating relationships, both romantic and platonic. In fact, I wrote another blog about a year ago about using dating apps to build connections with others. I recommend checking it out!

References

Chin, K., Edelstein, R. S., & Vernon, P. A. (2018). Attached to dating apps: Attachment orientations and preferences for dating apps. Mobile Media & Communication, 7(1), 41–59. https://doi.org/10.1177/2050157918770696 

Phan, A., Seigfried-Spellar, K., & Choo, K.-K. R. (2021). Threaten me softly: A review of potential dating App Risks. Computers in Human Behavior Reports, 3, 100055. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chbr.2021.100055 

Stupid Cupid

 “We’re high school sweethearts.” “We were in the same orientation group freshman year.” “We lived in the same dorm.” “We met in my biology 101 class, but there was a lot more chemistry going on *wink wink*.” Frequent outings with my friends bring up these topics of  “aww, how’d you meet your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.” And while everyone gets all gushy and sentimental, my roommate and I find ourselves mimicking all their little “oos and aws” as we internally want to vomit at the sound of everyone's sappy love stories.

Oftentimes, being single can feel like we have a giant hole in the person we are meant to be. “He’s my other half”, “I’ll never be whole without them”, “He’s the reason I am who I am today”. All these are things we hear over and over from people who are in committed relationships, and while it might be true for them, I’m here to not let you be discouraged by singleness. 

Being single is a great time for people to truly get to know themselves. We get to figure out what we want in life and we have more freedom to explore ourselves. Periods of singleness are a great way to readjust to life, especially during big life transitions like college (Nguyen, 2019). Being single is a time to reflect on our previous relationships as well. We can take time to better understand our attachment styles and their effects on our relationships with family, friends, and partners. It is a great way to try and build up a secure attachment. 

Curious about how others viewed singleness, I asked my roommate, one of the few single people in my life, what she thought about her current relationship status. 

“I'm like 98% sure that when Cupid was shooting his little heart arrows at me, he missed and shot my brother twice instead. My brother is so in love with his girlfriend, it's like everybody else doesn't exist. If I’ve learned anything from watching him, it's that I should be thanking my lucky stars that I am single right now. Obviously, I do not want to be single forever, but with my current life position, I couldn't imagine having a significant other. It seems bad but I just don't have time, sh*t I barely have time to eat dinner some nights. I’m lucky Cupid was stupid enough to miss me.”

Although very sarcastic, there is a lot of truth to her response. Relationships are not only hard work but also time-consuming. They can be demanding in all facets of life, so having the privilege (as I like to think of it) of being single can be very rewarding. It allows us time to gain emotional regulation and identity formation (Nguyen, 2019). This can be super rewarding during our college years as there is so much going on that it might be nice to not have to stress about a relationship, as my roommate echos:

“I think I might swear off men for the remainder of my college career, mainly so that I can actually get all my school work done but also that I can really get to know who I am as a person before I have to get to know a whole nother person too. And if that makes me an antisocial loser so be it, because I’m happy with my life”

I think my roommate has it figured out. Singleness is not something to be feared or to be embarrassed about, but instead the opposite. We need to embrace it. It's a time to get to know ourselves before we pour our hearts into someone else. There are a lot of good things that come from embracing singleness, and there are other posts on this blog that address this topic as well, so I recommend giving them a quick read too!

Reference

Nguyen, T., Werner, K. M., Soenens, B. (2019). Embracing me-time: Motivation for solitude during transition to college. Motivation and Emotion, 43(4), 571–591. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-019-09759-9

Backlogged with Burnout

As college students, we are at the point in our lives where we are getting ready to move on into adulthood and out into the “real world”. A big piece, arguably the biggest piece, about this next phase of life is starting our careers in the workforce. We get to pick and choose what we want to do for the next 40 plus years of our lives. There is a lot of time, thinking, and preparation that goes into starting our careers with the hopes of being successful. Yet despite this, a problem that often arises in people's work careers is burnout. Burnout is when people have no motivation, energy, or desire to do their jobs (Vîrgă, 2019). It is a hard problem to face, however, there are some ways that we can limit the amount of burnout one might experience.

Suprisingingly, our attachment styles can have a significant impact on whether we experience burnout and/or the severity of it. A study done by Vîrgă et al. (2019) found strong correlations between attachment styles and workplace burnout. Virga and colleagues found that those with secure attachment styles had low rates of burnout as they were more capable of trusting others, and were happier to take on challenges and extra tasks. Individuals with insecure attachments struggled with higher rates of burnout due to letting anxiety about “unmet attachment needs” affect workplace concentration, disruptive job performance, and heightened the need to seek coworkes’ approval. More specifically, those with anxious attachment had an overall less energy, liveliness and physical strength when it came to handling stressful work situations, causing higher levels of burnout and lower workplace performance. Avoidant attachment is very similar to anxious, as they seem to struggle in the work setting but they wrestled with slow turnover and lower levels of organizational commitment. 

Since my friends and I have yet to enter the workforce, I decided to ask my dad what his thoughts were, specifically focusing on his years right after he graduated. My dad and mom were engaged prior to my dads graduation from medical school, so he already had an established attachment style when starting his job. My parents both have a secure attachment style with one another and have since they first started dating. 

“I think that since your mom and I had this secure sense to our relationship, it made the transition from school to work a lot easier. It was a godsend to be able to go home from working my 12 hour hospital shifts to someone that I knew loved me and cared about me. Being freshly out of school, I think if there were any issues with our relationship I would have not been able to handle both that and work. Which isn't to say that we didn't struggle from time to time, however our ability to smoothly handle any conflict made every aspect of my life a little easier.”

I asked my dad if he was ever worried about burnout in school or work and how he was able to cope with it. 

“There are forsure times when I don't want to go to work, or I just feel like life has me down. I mean even when I was still in school, undergrad even, I would go through what I’m assuming was burnout. It was hard and sucky and it made me question if I even wanted to go on and get my PhD. However, during those times I turned to your mom to help get me going again. We both have this understanding of each other and know the best ways to get us out of those funks. I think it is important to have people like that in your lives, and not just after college but during it too, that are going to be willing to help you out.”

Although Vîrgă and colleagues highlighted how our attachment styles can manifest at work and influence our burnout, interviewing my dad helps shed light on how a secure attachment to a romantic partner can make life a little easier. It can help soothe work stress, and decrease any additional stress at home. These secure attachment styles may help to keep work self cool and collected, but having a secure partner at home is the magic behind the scenes as they reduce burnout at work, and likely school as well!

Reference

Vîrgă, D., Schaufeli, W. B., Taris, T. W., van Beek, I., & Sulea, C. (2019). Attachment styles and employee performance: The mediating role of burnout. The Journal of Psychology, 153(4), 383–401. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980.2018.1542375 

Risking It All For Love

During adolescence and young adulthood, people are psychologically developing at a fast rate. One of the biggest things this age group prioritizes is autonomy. Freedom from caregivers, experiencing life on their own, and being able to do whatever they please are typical desires in and around this time in life. With this sense of autonomy often comes risk-taking behaviors. Risk-taking is thought of to be a basic psychological developmental need associated with gaining autonomy (Morsünbül, 2009). 

    Not only are we looking to gain autonomy and take risks during this time period, but we are also starting to form close relationships with those around us. We are learning how to be in a relationship with other people, what kinds of people we want to be with, and also the ways in which we function best in relationships. This is often when we start to realize what kind of attachment style we have. Are we securely attached and find ourselves being confident and having healthy emotional regulation with our partners? Are we anxious attached and clingy and self-doubting? Are we avoidant attached and find ourselves withdrawing from relationships and hiding our feelings? Or are we fearful attached and really struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, and trying to avoid being in relationships? Out of these 4 attachment styles comes a lot of variation in the ways that people act both in and outside of their relationship. 

    So, what do risk-taking and attachment styles have to do with one another? Well, according to Ümit Morsünbül (2009), there is a strong correlation between types of attachment styles and risky behavior. People with secure attachment styles are less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors than those in anxious or fearful attachments. Avoidant styles show less risky behavior than anxious and fearful attachment, but more than secure attachment. This is because individuals with positive attachments like secure attachments feel more comfortable and confident in their relationships and therefore do not feel the need to lash out and engage in risky activities. Individuals who have less positive self-view in their relationships, like anxious and fearful, are often uncomfortable in their relationships and have poor coping strategies.

    With a curiosity about wanting to see how this correlation between risk-taking and attachment styles held true in my life, I talked with one of my close friends, who we will call “Nate” for confidentiality reasons. Nate is the kind of guy that everyone knows as the “guy who gets around”. Nate never commits to a single relationship and would rather just bounce all around our friend group. He is also the one in our group that is always doing ridiculous things. From backflipping off tables at the bar to jumping in the fountains in Old Town, Nate is not one to shy away from danger. Knowing this I thought it would be interesting to talk to him about his attachment style. According to Nate, he doesn't like the idea of being in a serious relationship.

    I don’t want to have to rely on anyone to make me happy. I also don't want to have the pressures of being that for someone else. I wish I was the kind of person that would take it [dating] a little more seriously but it just seems like too big of a commitment for where I am right now. 

From listening to him talk, I would say that Nate has a fearful-avoidant type attachment style. He avoids commitment to serious relationships and seems to have a ton of anxiety about that commitment as well, and although his self-esteem might not seem too low when he is with our big group of friends, Nate tells me that he is worried that he wouldn't make a good partner. 

    I feel like I am not good in 1-on-1 relationships. I think I’m better in a group setting which is why I think that I am always doing silly things to make everyone happy. 

    Just like Morsünbül’s study found, Nate and his attachment style seem to maybe be a reason why he is okay with engaging in risky behaviors. His self-esteem in relationships is not very high and he has a tendency to want to avoid any form of real commitment.

    Being a little risky every now and then can be fun and exciting, but there comes a point when we cross a line over into dangerous behavior. So next time you find yourself taking one risk or many, think about the “why” behind it. Why are you doing it? What is fueling this behavior? Is it our fears? Do we have a person who we trust to talk about this kind of stuff? Whatever the reason is, more likely than not, your attachment style is related. 

Reference

Morsünbül, Ü. (2009). Attachment and Risk Taking: Are They Interrelated? World Academy of Science, Engineering, and Technology, 3, 630–634.

1,500 Miles

     Transitioning into college can be tricky and overwhelming for many students. Leaving home and moving away, making new friends, adjusting to new freedom, and several other reasons can make this time in our lives hard. For some individuals, it can be even more challenging when you are in a relationship. Many relationships that start in high school end up becoming long-distance ones, once partners go off to college. Maintaining these long-distance relationships can look different for different couples based on their attachment styles. Securely attached couples tend to be better off in long-distance relationships than in other attachment styles (Pistole et al., 2010).

My sister Makayla, for example, is in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Quincy. She goes to school in Texas and he goes to school in New York. That's just about 1,500 miles and a 23-hour car ride (without stops) away from one another. They have been doing long-distance for about 18 months now at this point and they have had their fair share of struggles. When asked about the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship, she replied with…

“Holy cow, I don’t even know where to start. For beginners, it's super sucky to not be able to physically see and hug him since he is literally 1,527 miles away from me, and yes I memorized that number. It is also annoying to only be able to talk over the phone or on facetime; it gets really old after so many times. The time difference also sucks and it is a lot harder to make time for one another when we both have different things going on in two different places.” 

Following up on that I gave her a mini-lesson on the attachment styles and she determined that she and Quincy were most similar to secure attachment. I then asked her if she thought her and Quincy’s understanding of one another and secure attachment made it easier to handle being apart from one another. 

“Oh for sure it does. My ability to trust him and for him to trust me makes life so much easier. We also are both super understanding of what each other needs and the struggle of not only being in college but also trying to manage long-distance. We have developed a great communication system between us and I think that has been a huge help alongside just trusting each other.”

This ability for securely attached relationships to do better in relationships like this is not uncommon. According to Pistole and colleagues (2010), individuals who have a secure attachment often have more confidence and motivation to in handling relationship problems. Individuals with other attachment styles, especially fearful attachment, are often seen using less conflict management behaviors to solve issues in long-distance relationships which tends to cause strain in relationships. 

But don't worry if you feel like you don't quite have a secure attachment. It does not mean that your long-distance relationship is doomed. There are a lot of ways to change your attachment style and to better understand it in general. In fact, there are several posts on this blog that have great advice, I would recommend checking them out. 

Makayla and Quincy are just one example of a successful long-distance relationship. Many things help make the distance more tolerable, and trusting one another, communicating with them, and being understanding are just a few ways to do so. So whether you are 100 miles or 1,527 miles away from your partner, having a secure attachment style can make doing long-distance just a little bit easier.

Reference

Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., & Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4), 535–552. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510363427